Inspired by a comment I read earlier, I have decided to write a full length review on the twilight books, the first of which I've been rereading recently anyway, solely for taking the piss out of it.
Warnings: This will include swearing, ranting, and (duh) spoilers, if anyone cared enough.

Here we go, then.

I have a confession to make. As a (wannabe emo, ngl) eleven/twelve year old, I loved the twilight books. I adored them and read them over and over. I'm not entirely sure what attracted me to the series, be it the "romance," the supernatural element, or what, but I suspect it was simply the broodiness. I lived for broodiness. I thought it was so cool, cringey as it is. Anyway, my innocent little eleven year old self found these books and loved them, at least until I was about thirteen and had a complete reawakening.

Let's start with the plot. So Bella Swan, and yes that is her name, it clearly means "beautiful swan," is moving from Florida to Forks, to live with her father Charlie, a name you might recognise from Harry Potter. Don't worry, guys, the similiarites don't stop here. From now on I'm just going to put an exclamation mark after everything plagarised. So Bella (!) is in her car and starts her inner monologue, which is boring and prententious as fuck. The first line, for fuck's sake, is "I never gave much thought to how I would die."

So yes, Bella arrives, meets with her cardboard cutout dad (he likes football and dad things like that and convienently is barely ever around)

Bella is a very wooden character, is never explained in any real depth. Aside from the movies, there is no clue as to what she looks like, apart from Edward constantly calling her things like ravishing and beautiful, though she always calls herself ugly and plain, and has the single tragic and relatable flaw of being clumsy.

So she starts school the next day, and very realisticaly gets asked out to a dance by no less than three guys in the first hour or so, only for her to awkwardly say no.  She then blesses us with this amazing dialogue;

You can actually see the pain in Mike and Jessica's eyes, they're like, What am I doing? This wasn't worth the paycheque. Please help me, pleeeeeeasseeeee.

She meets with two vague girls that are never described or explained, Jessica and Angela, and attends class or some shit, until The Big Moment, which is lunch. The Cullens walk into the cafeteria, and everyone falls silent. So let's get onto the Cullens, Emmett, Rosalie, Alice (!), Edward and Jasper. They're all weirdly pale and reclusive, and Edward instantly catches her eye, though Jessica tells her that he rejects everyone. She watches him as the days pass and realise whoop de fucking do, he doesn't come in on sunny days, and when she brushes his hand it's ice cold. HMMMMMMMMMM, I wonder what the fuck THAT MEANS, HUH?

I'm going to take a break here to ask a question:

1: Why do the Cullens even go to school? There is literally no reason, especially with the fact that at school they are socialising, meaning people notice they don't age and they eventually have to move on. Wouldn't it be just way easier to be "homeschooled" or even not to leave the house at all since nobody ever visits and therefore would never know?

Answer: IT'S CONVIENT TO THE FUCKING PLOT.

Anyway sometime in the upcoming days, Edward invites her to sit with him at lunch, where they have a weird stiff little conversation, and there's a scene where they're in biology and they're testing blood or some shit. I don't know why they would be doing this, but shut up, IT'S CONVIENENT TO THE PLOT.

Anyway, Bella, being a delicate little flower, feels all faint and lightheaded, so the teacher tells her to leave the room, without anyone with her, where she invariably meets Edward in the hall who's skipping class because reasons (bc he's a vampire but shush Bella doesn't know yet, she's thick as a brick) and they have a talk in his car.

So at some point Bella is nearly hit by a car but Edward pushes it away and glares a bit before leaving. At this point in the movie, Bella breathes very heavily. She always does and I don't know why. I don't blame the actors for this trainwreck, because they were given shit scripts, but her breathing is so fucking weird.

So she goes home and Charlie has a friend over, Billy Black (!! Two because of Bill Weasley and Sirius Black) and his son Jacob, who is her Childhood Best Friend. I just want to take a moment to appreciate the awfulness of Jacob's hair. We can't even blame this one on the books:

So anyway Bella finds out an amazing and shocking fact about Edward. He's a vampire! Dun dun dun!
And she reveals it in this amazing scene;

B; *breathes heavily* You're impossibly fast, and strong. Your skin is pale white and ice cold. Your eyes change color, and sometimes you speak like--like you're from a different time. You never eat or drink anything. You don't go out in the sunlight. ... How old are you?

E; *glares, takes ages to answer* seventeen.

B; *breathes heavily* how long have you been seventeen?

E; *glares for an awkward amount of time* a while.

B; I know what you are.

E; Say it out loud. Say it!

B; Vampire.

And then he says weird shit like, "And so the lion fell in love with the lamb."
And she says, "What a stupid lamb."
"What a masochist lion." Or some shit.

Anyway it transpires Edward can read minds but Bella drew his attention because he couldn't read hers, and she's special.

He turns up outside her house and says he likes to watch her sleep sometimes (red flag, stranger danger, STRANGER FUCKING DANGER! BAD TOUCH, BAD TOUCH)
But she just invites him in and he helps her sleep and shit. She describes how beautiful he is. He says he's dangerous and she should stay away.

Here are main problems with these characters;

Bella is a mary-sue. She doesn't seem to care about anything but him. She has no goals, passions, ambitions, or dreams besides wanting to be with Edward. She reads stuff like Shakespere (what seventeen year old reads only Shakespere and Jane Austen and Charles Dickens and stuff like that? She literally reads nothing else, ever) to show how smart she is, but she isn't really.

Edward is selfish. He constantly talks about how dangerous he is and yet puts her in danger again and again. He is a stalker and watches her sleep, he refuses to let her out of his sight, and he doesn't like her being with her friends.

Then these three cuntish vampires try and kill Bella for some unknown reason. Their names are Victoria, Laurent and James (!) and they are pathetic as villians. They just kind of tiptoe across the state lines every so often, waiting and waiting and waiting until Jasper and Alice take Bella somewhere else and then James tracks her down and holds her hostage, but then Edward comes and saves her, and James gets killed. Fucking awful, I was hoping she'd die.

I fucking hate this book. It all boils down to that. It's so boring to read, and the only way I can imagine having enjoyed it as an eleven year old is my obsession with Super Dark Stuff. I like to call it my pathetic little emo stage when I wanted to dye my hair black but my mother wouldn't let me :( and I wore eyeliner that my teacher made me wipe off. Oh my God, what a sad, sad child.

I am aware some people like the movies only, and just for the reason that they think Edward/Jacob is hot, which I think is stupid, but then again I watched all of Friends not because I loved it but because I had a sad crush on Phoebe.
I underline my earlier point.

Anyway, if you guys like this review, I might consider doing some on the other books.