Ahhhhh Eclipse. The book which mostly consists of Bella begging Edward to have sex with her and Edward saying no.

So this book begins when Victoria (I swear to god, that bitch is still around. Like why) is creating an army of freshly turned vampires for not much more reason than she's still pissed with Edward and Bella for killing her mate. Apparently newborn vampires are way stronger in the first few months (not really sure how) before they somehow get weaker or some shit. Anyway, meanwhile back in good ol Forks, Bella is trying to decide which college to go to with Edward whilst being really worried about the fact that she ages and he doesn't. She's now eighteen and of course he'll forever be seventeen and she worries about getting old and shallow shit like that. Don't mistake it for her worrying about him or that she'll die eventually and leave him alone, the primary worry is that she'll look old next to him. Um.

To sum this book up, it's basically Bella trying to get Edward to have sex with her and turn her. Over and over. But he always says no because he's old fashioned or some shit and he wants them to be married. Is Bella thinking about her family and friends, about the fact that she'll be leaving them behind if she becomes a vampire?

No. Of course not. I mean, she ignores her friends whenever Jacob or Edward are around, and anyway her father is never there, her mother seems like a complete neglectful idiot and she has no life outside Edward so maybe you could understand.

So Bella is still friends with Jacob who hates Edward, who hates him back, because vampires and werewolves fuckin hate each other for no real reason. Sometimes Bella goes to see Jacob but Edward hates it because idk werewolves. At one point all the werewolves and Bella are like gathered around a fire or some shit - yep all these hot shirtless guys and one girl - and they tell her about werewolf history or some bollocks. Props to the movie though, they used actual Native American actors in the stories.

Actually, to be fair, there are some parts of this book that are interesting, such as Rosalie's backstory about how she became a vampire, and her revenge on her fiancè and his friends for what they did to her (raped her and left her for dead in an icy street before Carlise found her)

Jasper's story is also pretty interesting, but nope we're back to the abusive relationship.

Don't believe it's an abusive relationship? Let me count all the signs. Hehm - hehm;

1: Edward isolates her from her friends and family.
2: Edward likes to watch her sleep and keep tabs on her at all times.
3: He makes her feel as though she needs nobody else but him
4: There are points when he is almost physically violent, but GUYS DON'T WORRY HE LOVES HER.

Edward constantly talks about how he's so dangerous. It gets old. Stay away from me, I could kill you with my bare hands, oh my gooooood.

On every other page Bella describes how beautiful and handsome he is. Is he a good person? She probably doesn't know. All she cares about are his glittering abs.

Purple prose. Which means the dialogue and wording in general is completely over the top and flowery.

There was a part of me that was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

I didn't even know what the last word meant. Basically the same as unconditionally, if you wanted to know.  

As for Jacob, that isn't much better. On one of these visits, Jacob forcibly kisses Bella. As in, he grabs her face and kisses her, not pulling away when she protests, only pulling away when she actually punches him, damaging her fist. He doesn't take no for an answer.

At one point they go camping (?), Jacob, Edward and Bella, and it's really fucking weird. Bella is freezing, and Edward is, y'know, dead, so he doesn't help. What does she do? Go and zip herself into a sleeping bag with Jacob, who's super warm. Edward and Jacob glare at each other for a while, Bella graduates high school, her dad is her dad, i.e never fucking around. Remember that guy, Harry Clearwater? Yeah well, this random character, his son Seth, is a werewolf too now, and all the werewolves are really, really protective of Bella, and hate the Cullens.

Here is where we learn about imprinting, which is when a werewolf falls in love with a girl and imprints on her, which means that whether she fucking likes it or not, they're going to date when she grows up. When she grows up? Oh but of course. A lot of the time they fall in love with little girls and even babies. Um. I think Stephanie Meyer has several disturbing and weird fetishes, and if she was a man there would be a lot of controversy over her books. But nope, because she's a woman she gets a free fucking pass.

Jacob kind of wants to imprint on Bella, is the bottom line, but then oh no! Victoria the half arsed villain is back, and she moans for a bit about her dead mate or whatever.

Her newborn army are strong and one of them kind of corners Bella towards the end? But then she sort of cuts herself with a rock and Edward fucking kills the vampire and that's that?

So Victoria is killed THANK GOD, because she's been annoying me since the first book. Edward and Bella sort of decide to get married and Jacob flips the shit out but Bella says, and I quote;

"The worst part....." I hesitated and then let words spill out in a flood of truth. "The worst part is that I saw the whole thing - our whole life. And I want it bad, Jake, I want it all. I want to stay right here and never move. I want to love you and make you happy. And I can't, and it's killing me. It's like Sam and Emily, Jake - I never had a choice. I always knew nothing would change. Maybe that's why I was fighting against you so hard."

Um. Bella, you have a choice. You have always had a fucking choice. You're marrying Edward and you say you love Jacob - what the fuck? Make up your fucking mind, I mean what the actual fuck? Do you really crave that power trip of having guys panting after you all the time that you wouldn't let Jacob carry on with his own life? That you'd give him false fucking hope and make it sound like Edward was forcing you? Because for once that fucking emotionless statue didn't force you. You made your own choices.

Yes, you can actually make your own choices, Stephenie Meyer. You are not a victim, a delicate little fairy that needs to be protected and loved. I know that's how you like to think of yourself. I know you have a weird fucking thing about being dominated and abused. I know you have a weird fucking thing about guys tripping over themselves to be with you. But kindly don't make young girls think that that's what they need in a man. Kindly don't make young girls think that guys who forcibly kiss them are the one, that guys who isolate them from their friends and family, are the one. You say sometimes that Bella is a strong woman - where is that evidence? Hermione Granger is a strong woman. Annabeth Chase is a strong woman. Isabelle Lightwood is a strong woman.

They are people without their boyfriends. They have traits, they have personalities. They are not a blank fucking slate for you to project yourself, the you that you wish you were, onto. They are not a manipulative series that uses the things preteen girls are most self conscious about to get fans. When Ron left Hermione, she hurt, but carried on looking for the horcruxes. When Percy and Annabeth were separated, she worked hard to find him again. When Isabelle lost Simon, she kept on fighting. When Edward left Bella, she jumped off a fucking cliff.

Most of all I hate your popularity. Maybe, if you were a brief little blip, something that faded into obscurity, I wouldn't mind. But the fact that your books are so popular, this series and The Host (which I will get to, oh don't worry) makes me angry. It makes me angry that you, with not a shred of originality, are so famous, so rich, when there are people who can't find a break at all.

[added May 2019]

I just wanted to add to this old review about the small problem of Sam and Emily, which I completely missed a year and a half ago.

Ohhhh boy, Sam and Emily.

So Sam is a member of Jacob's pack, possibly the alpha? Anyway, Emily is his girlfriend, the girl he imprinted on, but get this: Emily wasn't originally romantically interested in Sam until one day, he became so angry that he morphed into his wolf form and brutally attacked her, leaving her face mutilated and horribly scarred. It was somehow after this attack that Emily discovered he was her true love, etc etc, and we're told she's forgiven him because he's her "true love."

I'm sure I'm not the only one who is INCREDIBLY disturbed by this. It sounds like an abusive relationship. It sounds like Emily is only with Sam because she's terrified of him, because he once hurt her so badly she realised he would never leave her alone until she dated him. That's what Sam and Emily's "love story" sounds like to me.

That is seven shades of fucked up.