Here we are. The final book. Well. This is debatable. So Stephenie Meyer released another book after this entitled "Life and Death," which is Twilight, but gender swapped. I haven't read it, but the characters are Beau and Edythe (have no fucking idea how to pronounce that one.)

She was going to write Twilight from Edward's perspective, called "Midnight Sun" but thankfully some kind soul leaked it to the internet early, and she threw a hissy fit and refused to publish it.

Since writing the same book three times, she's also written "The Host" which I've read and will review, and "The Chemist," which I haven't, but will try to. Anyway, let's get to Breaking Dawn.

This book is written in three sections, the first and third from Bella's perspective, the second from Jacob's.

Bella and Edward are about to get married, and Bella wants to be a human as long as possible. She intends to be a human for their honeymoon, aka when they have sex, and Jacob is horrified when she tells him this because Edward could kill her.

In the first part is the wedding, a boring affair where, guess what, they get married. Bella's boring dad and mum are there, and Edward's ex girlfriend Tanya, which makes Bella jealous. Jacob lurks around like a creep.
Jessica and Angela are there for probably the only time in the book.

Bella and Edward depart for Isle Esme, which Carlisle apparently bought for Esme years before. So on their first night there they have sex, and in the morning Bella wakes up and she's all bruised. Does she think she should stop? Does she think it's dangerous? Nah. She just wants to do it again. I think we all know what's going to happen. Stepehnie Meyer, I have a message for you;

So they do it like once or twice more and then this cleaner lady comes, only for her to have a seizure or some shit and say Bella's carrying the devil, basically. Then Bella finds out she's pregnant. Here are the issues with that:

1: Vampires are DEAD. They should not have sperm.
2: 1 again
3: and again.
4: and fucking again because this pisses me off.

Does Meyer have no clue about human anatomy? She has said in multiple interviews that she is a Mormon, and as such is uncomfortable with sex and things like that in books, so she has never read Fifty Shades, which was originally based on Twilight.

Back in the story, Edward flips out and immediately arranges for them to go home so Bella can have an abortion, because he says the baby, or "the thing" is too violent for a human body to contain. But Bella being Bella refuses. She keeps having dreams about having Edward's son, a little boy, and she gets all starry eyed.

Now we pop over to everyone's favourite neighbourhood dog, Jacob. A few weeks after the wedding, Bella calls her father, and says that she's sick. Charlie tells Billy, and Billy tells the pack. Jacob being Jacob thinks Bella is a vampire and tries to attack the Cullens because he thinks they've broken a treaty or some shit.

When he arrives he finds her really fucked up, really thin and horrid looking, but alive and human. She tells him she's pregnant, he tells her to abort, she refuses and he runs off. He thinks about it, though, as a wolf. The pack have a sort of a hive mind thing going on, so they can all hear, and they decide to kill Bella, and therefore the baby.

Jacob flips out and then runs off with Seth (remember him?) and they go and sorta form their own pack. Seth's sister Leah joins them. See, this is another kind of interesting story; the only female werewolf in the pack. Leah is flipping out about it, and it might be interesting to read about, but nope, back to the creepy baby.

So basically the baby is drinking Bella's blood or smth so she starts drinking it out of a cup, with a little straw.
She gets better but the baby gets bigger until she's fucking massive. Because of the thing being half vampire, the pregnancy only lasts two or three months, and she eventually falls down and goes into labour.

She's about to die but Edward bites her a bunch of times and puts venom in her and whatever. Jacob thinks she's dead, and as usual does no investigation. He just impulsively acts, and it's getting fucking old.

He wants to kill the baby, but nope. He falls in love with her. The baby. Jacob imprints on the baby. The fucking baby. It's like he thought, "Welp, can't have Bella, so let's have the next best thing."
I want to take a moment to recognise how creepy the CGI baby turned out in the movie

It turns out that since she's half vampire, she grows really quick so by the morning after her birth she looks like that ^^

Bella's now a vampire, and when she wakes up she meets her baby, la la la. Guess what amazing name she's picked out for her. No, guess.

Renesmee. Seriously. She put the names of the two mothers, her mum Renee, and Edward's sort of foster vampire mum Esme, and put them together. -_-

She flips out at Jacob for now calling her Nessie. Like....what? How do you get Nessie out of that mess? Why would you want to call that creepy thing anything apart from the devil?

Since vampires all have a power, such as Alice's future vision, or Edward's reading minds, I would like to point out the other power.

Esme's power is to be able to love passionately. Carlisle's power is compassion, so he can resist human blood. Rosalie's is enhanced beauty. Um.

If I was a vampire, and I lived with other vampires who had powers like being able to tell the future, and mine was just "being able to love passionately," I'd be fucking annoyed. But then again I'd be a minor character, so. Apparently minor characters aren't allowed cool stuff.

Bella's power is a shield. Yep. Edward still can't read her mind, and he says she has a shield over it. Apparently she's so powerful that it was even there as a human. Bella's so special, guys. She's amazing. She tells her dad about being a vampire and he doesn't even give a shit, as per Charlie Swan, he just wants to watch football.

Bella and them kinda fuck around for a while, and they get a cottage, and day by day the baby gets older looking until she's only a few weeks old but looks two or three years. BUT THEN!

This runaway vampire girl called Irina is stalking them because they killed her mate Laurent ages ago (JESUS CHRIST LET IT FUCKING GO THAT WAS VICTORIA'S THING, IT'S GETTING OLD) and she sees the child and thinks she's a human child that was turned, which is illegal. This is understandable, actually, unlike most things in this book. With a child's mindset and liking for fun, they could wreak havoc.

She goes and tells the Volturi, the weird vampire police from the second book, and they decide to come and destroy the baby.
The Cullens start calling on clans from all over the world to help during the fight, and this bit is actually quite fun, because I liked reading about all the different cultures. You have the Irish, the Icelandic, etc. They fuck around for a bit, training and whatever, and Bella discovers she can put a shield over other people too. But just in case she gets a fake passport for the kid so if anything goes wrong Jacob can take her somewhere. She looks maybe about four or five at this point and they got a pretty little human actress with the personality of a brick to play her.

The Volturi arrive to meet them finally, for some reason in a fucking forest?
Anyway they explain, but the Volturi still don't know whether Renesmee should be killed or not. At that time, Alice and Jasper, who had left without explanation ages ago, come back with a vampire/human hybrid who stopped ageing at about the physical appearance of twenty. We're given the story of how his father seduced his human mother and how when he was born she died, and how his aunt tried to pick him up only for him to bite and turn her.  See THAT'S INTERESTING. Why do we have to focus on Bella and Edward staring at each other and breathing heavily?

The aunt, Huilen, tells the story, and the Volturi agree everything's fine? They say they'll track down the other guy's vampire dad because he's evil or something, but then they fuck off back to Italy.

Bella and Edward and the rest are happy and then they go back to their cottage and Bella lets Edward read her mind and see how much she loves him and everything's fucking dandy, the end, FUCK THIS BOOK, THIS SERIES AND THESE CHARACTERS, FUCK THEM ALL THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT.