During college, I was a complete party goer and whatnot. In short, I was the queen. Not the dumb one, the smart one. Everybody bowed down to me with just a flick of my finger. It was like I was worshiped. Everybody would always invite Carissa Bachman and enjoy with her and create memories with her but despite all that, they didn't mean anything to me. 

During parties, I pretended to enjoy with all those popular students but my eyes were glued to one person who stayed in the corner while playing with her phone vigorously. Her eyes shined with the screen as her fingers moved quickly on it. 

Every party I went, she was always there but it seems like she's more absorbed in her game than the party. In a certain party, I've decided to approach and talk to her.

"Hey." I said. "What's your name?"

She looked up, bored. "Hitch. Yours?"

"Carissa."

And with just a simple and awkward conversation, me and Hitch became friends. Yeah, I know I've said some whole mumbo jumbo about not having friends except Annie and Martha but yeah, Hitch is my friend. It made me sad how I couldn't tell her who I really was. Deep down, I've realized that she isn't my friend. She's Carissa Bachman's friend. The thought of that and the lies I've kept to her made me stay up late at night, crying my eyes out. 

"Carissa!" She would say, "You're pretty in your own way, you know!"

And not to mention, she's Annie's friend too. 

Since my old trio was broken, I decided to create a new one that consisted of me, Annie, and Hitch. We stayed together until we finished college. No, we will stay until everything will end. 

"Annie! You're pretty too so stop wearing your shabby hoodie!" 

If only...

"Shut up, Hitch." Annie hissed. "At least, I can be warm if it suddenly snows. You'll get cold with that skimpy outfit of yours."

If only I saved Hitch...

"Guys! We finally graduated and kept our friendship together even if we have different courses!"  Hitch beamed brightly. "We should celebrate! Just the three of us." She hugged me and Annie. 

"Yeah, sure." Annie said with a dull and unhappy tone. "Could get some weed as celebration."

I smiled and shrugged. "Anything will do."

Hitch gasped in horror. "WHY WEED?!"

Annie sighed. "It's just a joke."

If only I was the one who was shot by the bullet and not Hitch.

She was hugging her knees, crying her eyes out when me and Annie arrived in her apartment. 

"What happened?" Annie asked, concerned.

"Hitch, who made you cry? I'm gonna beat that beast to pulp!" I said angrily.

She sniffed. "No, please don't hurt Marlowe."

Annie gave Hitch's shoulder a small pat. "It'll be okay. Sooner, the mushroom head will realize how idiotic he is for leaving a precious woman like you."

"Really?" She choked.

"No. I was just joking." Annie said and tucked her hands in her pockets.

"Annie!" I chided. "Seriously?"

Hitch got to her feet and shook Annie's shoulders. "Really, Annie? You're making me feel worse!" She sobbed again, this time, she leaned on Annie's shoulder.

Hitch is innocent. She didn't do anything bad. She's a pure soul that deserves a good and stable life unlike me. Because of my incompetence, I can't see her smile again. I can't hear her laugh again. I can't smell the perfume that she uses everyday again. I can't feel the warmth of her hugs again. I can't see that cheery and playful gleam she always have in her eyes again. I won't be greeted by her every day when I go to work again. 

"Carissa! Annie!" She said cheerfully, showing off a finger on her ring finger. "I'm getting married."

Annie coughed as she choked on her Slurpee. "For real?"

"Yup!"

"Who?" I asked, munching on a handful of Doritos. 

She cracked a mischievous smile. "Marlowe."

And with that, Annie spewed her drink on me, leaving me with a strawberry scent and pink, reddish stains on my white shirt. 

If only the bullet hit me...

It's my fault why Hitch died! It's my fault! It's my fault! It's my fault! It's my fault! It's my fault! IT'S MY FAULT! IT'S MY FAULT!!!

I bent down, crying. I hiccuped and wiped the tears away from my eyes. I exhaled, hoping that my mucus won't clog my nose forever. "Hitch...Hitch..." I whined as I threw my arms around her, sobbing into her dead chest. "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry!" Her eyes were open and stared blankly at me as if saying: "But you told me everything would be okay. How come I'm not? I can't believe you lied to me. I thought you were my true friend but here you are, lying to me."

I screamed and let all of my tears out. "HITTTCCCHHH!!! I'M SO SORRY! I'M SORRY FOR LYING TO YOU! I'M SORRY!!!"

My screams echoed around my office endlessly as I kept on screaming sounds. I hugged Hitch's body tightly, rocking myself back and forth. My tears still fell, clouding my vision with misery.

I went rigid as I heard a phone ring. I felt on Hitch's pockets and felt her phone moving and I pulled it out and looked at the caller ID. It was Marlowe. My eyes went wide as I saw his name on the screen but...I have to answer this phone call and say sorry.

I steadied my voice and spoke. "Hello?" My voice still sounded watery though. 

"Hitch?" Marlowe asked. "Where are you? It's late now. You should go home. Remember, you should take good care of your body since your having a baby. Are you in the clinic? I'll pick you up."

My lip trembled as I heard what he said. Remember, you should take good care of your body since your having a baby. Hitch? Hitch was pregnant ? So I killed two people? The thought just made me sob harder.

"Hitch? Why're you  crying? Something wrong?" He said worriedly.

"Ma...Marlowe..." I swallowed. "This is Doctor Bachman and please, come here and bring the police."

"What?" He said over the line. "What why? What happened? What about Hitch?"

I sniffled. "Just get here with the police." I pressed the red button to end the call and turned Hitch's phone off to prevent any more incoming calls since I didn't want to talk about anything. I'm too depressed about what I heard. Hitch was with child and I got her killed with her child.

I'm so shitty. Somebody, help me. Somebody...

Somebody, just kill me already. I do not wish to longer dwell in this beautiful and cruel world I was born into. Save me, no, punish me for all the things that I've done. 

Save me...

Save me!

I erupted into sobs again and tried to shake Hitch awake. I couldn't just accept that Hitch died with an unborn child. If there's a way I can save it...I can't save it anymore for all I know is that I sobbed for like forever, surely the child is too weak to survive. After a few more sobs, I just sat on the floor with Hitch's head resting on my lap.

I just sat there, not saying anything nor thinking about anything. I was too stupid and shocked to think about anything. I tried to think something but when I do, my sadness and regret will just eat it away. 

I'm a doctor but look at me. Getting other people to die in my stead. Getting the ones I love to die in my stead. 

How am I supposed to call myself a doctor after I murdered my parents? TELL ME!

I stared blankly at Hitch as I closed her eyes with my fingers.

If only my legs worked and chased after Historia, I would've avenge Hitch and her unborn child immediately. I continued to sob until the cops arrived. They asked me a lot of questions but I refused to speak and just regarded them with my puffy eyes.

"Doctor..." An officer said. "Wait, no. You don't look like Doctor Bachman! You're..."

I looked at him with my sad and tired eyes. Somehow, I recognized his face. It was Jean. Jean was a douchebag (according to Eren) who always fought with Eren back at high school. I didn't know he became a police officer.

"Mikasa." Jean said in doubt. "That can't be. How are you Doctor Bachman?"

When Marlowe saw the scene, his mouth went agape as he fell to his knees. His eyes shined with tears as he saw his pregnant wife, dead and lying bloody on the floor.

I eyed Marlowe from my bangs. I begged to the Lord, praying that he won't see me but he did. His eyes glowed with rage as he saw me.

"YOU!" He growled. "HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO HITCH?! HOW DARE YOU? WHY WOULD YOU MURDER SUCH INNOCENT PEOPLE? WHY?!"

"I-I..." I sobbed.

He raised his fist and prepared to strike me but Jean held him back.

"Please. Calm down, sir." He told Marlowe.

"HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CALM DOWN WHEN MY WIFE DIED WITH OUR UNBORN CHILD?!" Marlowe shouted at Jean. "TELL ME, GENIUS!"

Jean groaned. "Okay. I get it." He let go of Marlowe. "Go on, cry but you're not hitting anyone."

Marlowe then turned instantly into a crying mess and I stared at him with guilt as he snatched Hitch's cold body from my lap and sobbed on it.

I'm so horrible.

"O-Officer..." A familiar voice said. I turned and saw Historia, standing behind my office door, shocked and saddened . "It was her. She killed that woman." She pointed at me, accusing me of a crime that she committed. I can't believe she's here. Don't tell me she just hid somewhere in the clinic the whole time and waited for the right moment to shit my life again?

Jean turned his eyes to me as his colleagues interrogated Historia. Marlowe tried to grab me but I twisted his arm and threw him away from me.

"See!" Historia shrieked. "She's even hurting the dead woman's husband!"

I can't believe that sick bitch is controlling them with her lies.

The other cops glared at me and ran to arrest me. I stood and ran, grabbing a man and throwing him to his comrades that were blocking my way. A man fell over my table and another hit my office chair. Historia gasped as I was standing in front of her and I sneered as I threw a hard punch on her cheek. Weakened by our previous fight, she fell.

Jean stared at me in horror. I pity this guy but I have to leave them all injured so that no one will follow me.

I kicked him hard in the stomach, making him faint.

"I'm sorry." I ran as fast as I could after that.

I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran...

Without knowing where my feet were taking me.

I ran and I ran and I ran.

Hitch...

O, my swift pair of feet. Where could you be taking this pitiable excuse of a master that you belong to?

I ran and my feet has brought me to a bar and since I feel so sad, I'll drown my sorrows in alcohol like how most people do.

Hitch...

I went in the establishment and took a seat near the counter.

"Gimme a shot of vodka please." I said, wrapping my face with my scarf so that no one would notice me.

"The fuck do you want?" The bartender said with annoyance.

I knitted my eyebrows in anger. "I said I want a fucking vodka."

He rolled his eyes. "Okay, fuck, fine."

Hitch...

He served me a shot and I drank it all down at once the instant the glass clacked against the marble surface of the counter.

I huffed as I felt the strong alcohol slide down my throat. Its flavor bit my throat, making it hurt but it hurt in a good way. I stuck out my tongue and cringed as I gripped the shot glass.

"If you're just gonna get drunk with just one shot then get out." The bartender said, wiping a wine glass with a clean and dry white cloth.

I cleared my throat. "I'm not drunk yet."

He shrugged and continued with his work. I looked around, the place was fine. Got nice interior designs and all that.

The next order, I got myself one big bottle of rhum. I thanked the bartender and unplugged the cork and took swigs from the bottle that can only be done by a strong person like me but my eyes began to dance as I reached not even the half of the bottle. I set it down, belching and the bartender looked at me with disgust written on his face.

I set my head down on the counter, planning to sleep.

Hitch...

Wait...I can't sleep here. I'll get raped or something but my head feels fuzzy and dizzy. Heck, I even feel like puking. This is bad.

My eyes drooped and closed.

I am very vulnerable in this state.

Goodnight, world.

Death? Can't you just come here and embrace while you take me with you?

Are you even there, Death?

oof while I wrote this, I wanted to cry.

Well, maybe i did cry...