Genre: Teen Fiction

Summary: "When you were here life seemed better, I felt free and now that I pushed you away I'm lost. I'm to be blamed for the things that I did...."

The video kept going on, those beautiful brown eyes confessing why he did the things he had done

•••••••••••••••••~~~~~~••••••••••••••

Ashley Jefferson lead a quite life until Noah Carter came back.

Previous scars still fresh, she couldn't bear another one.

Web of lies and broken hearts, the cycle never ends for her and yet here she was facing life.

+ Cover

I loved it! I am guessing that it is a painting and believe me, as a person who loves art, this got me squealing (I have an obsession with space and art) The only thing I would advice you to do is change the font and write your pen name properly. Then it would look a whole lot better.

Rating: 8.5/ 10

+ Title

To be truthful, the name itself is beautiful but it is still too early to say what exactly is the significance with the story. Because the name sounds like a complete romance story than anything else. The scene in the last chapter gave a little credibility to it so it would be better to wait forward to see how the story goes.

Rating: 7/10

+ Summary

To be honest, this could be a whole lot better. While it does it's job of informing what to expect, it can be made more attractive.

The excerpt seems to lack any points that would make the readers want to read more so it would be better if you put something that would pique their interest.

The ending seemed abrupt so you could add something like:

Here she was facing life.

But will she be able to live it or will the past continue to haunt her?

(It is pretty crappy but I guess you get my point)

Rating: 6/10

+ Plot

I am not yet sure of where this is heading to so I cant comment on the plot. It sounds like it has elements of mystery in it (What happened in Ashley's past? Who exactly IS Noah?) so that is one good thing.

Rating: 7.5 /10

+ Characters

Ashley: Looks like I share my name with someone :P Anyways, she seems to be a cool character and her inner thoughts are nice to read. I would love to read more of her interactions with other characters (Noah, Leo) so I can get more of a feel on her. Btw what IS her age?

Noah: He sounds like a douchebag- if we believe Ashley. But it seems like she herself is unaware of half the things that went down in the past. So I wouldn't put much trust in her opinions. I am curious about him since he seems all so mysterious.

Others: I would love to see more detailed interactions between the characters. The other just seem to be there without any real reason except to support the plot. So it would be great if you get them more involved. Especially Jonah and Leo since they seem to be close to her.

(I ship her with Jonah to be honest. That is by seeing the cast list. I would ship her with All if he wasn't her brother)

Rating: 7/10

+ Chapters

Length: The length is pretty perfect. Not too long, nor too short.

Grammar, etc: There are punctuation mistakes (missed comma) scattered around. There are also a lot of mistake in tenses (For eg; in the first chapter, 'if she hadn't dried her hair's should be 'if she didn't dry her hair') While these may not seem like big things, most of the readers are very picky.

But overall it is very good for a beginner.

General:

The story seems to have a lot of potential. Since this is your first time writing a story, you may feel it a bit difficult to know whether what you are doing is right or wrong.

Drawbacks:

The only major problem I have, is the lack of any major interactions between the characters other than Noah and Ashley. They went to the beach, but even then Ashley saw Noah and there wasn't any playful banter between friends. Instead of making the story all about Ashley and Noah, it would make it even more better if you showed meaningful interactions between the other characters too.

Oh, and in the first chapter you introduced her mother on brackets. Try to avoid that since it seems unprofessional. Just say something like 'Lucinda, Ashley's mother, asked with her hands on her hips and a stern expression on her face.'

And the breaks between the different paragraphs should be different. The squiggly line and dots just don't seem nice and it kind if irritates me. Maybe you could just use hyphens like -0- with centre alignment. It would do its job.

Positive:

Most of your story is on track. There isn't extra things that need to be kept in mind and would only serve to confuse the readers. It's on the point.

I am sure that the green eyed boy that Ashley saw in her room wasn't a dream. But I do wonder where did he go. Did he jump back out the window? Curious.

The mystery element that you have keeps it from becoming another cliche story. At first, I admit that I thought it may have been a bad break up or something of that sort that made their relationship sour. But with the hints you are dropping, it is far more sinister than that.

And who are the mysterious people she sees at the beach?

I don't ship her with Noah. At all. (As I am sure I mentioned before)

+ Conclusion

For a first book, this story does have a lot of potential. There are very less grammatical mistakes and the pace seems to be smooth. There isn't an overload of information yet it isn't a cliche teen fiction book if the element of the slight mystery is taken into account.

A good read, all in all.

+ Overall Rating

7/10