galaxygal

Rating: F

So, why do I  even give F's? Good question. Sometimes I stay up at night hoping I didn't be a jerk and didn't crush someone's dreams, but all my reviews are out of love. I hope this review hits you like a bag of bricks, so that way you can become aware of the faults and bumps of your chapter. It's a summery of what to improve, and if you hit all these points I'd likely give you something in the B to A range. I really love reviewing and helping aspiring writers like myself climb that ladder to excellence, but there is something we all need to know: the fact that the ladder is really, really long, and the top is clouded in mists of the future. If we don't bring enough rations, if we don't bring enough rope and water, we will fall. This is my way of telling you, with an F, that you should climb down the several rungs you've already ascended and bring an extra water bottle.

However, even in F's there are things I enjoy. There always are. For this story, it'd have to be the ending of the chapter. We go hundreds and hundreds of years without incident as we trace this family line from centuries ago into semi-modern times. It's a trip, and with that much time it adds power to the very last scene of the chapter of Portia having visions. We, as readers, are left wondering what will happen, since you've already skipped so many years. It is a pretty good hook, especially with consideration knowing that no one else had visions before.

Now, let's dive in.

My very first point I'd like to talk about it your opening paragraphs. I will discuss the imagery further down this review, but let's talk about the opening first. While the very opening paragraph doesn't offer anything of worth; no original characters, world, or conflict; the following paragraphs do have this. My advice to improving your opening paragraphs is rather grounding the tension with connotative words and imagery to suggest something isn't right. Something is very, very wrong despite the beautiful day and regular routine.

That brings me to my next point. Imagery. You're imagery is all but absent. Here you are, describing the day and the setting and a great forest and village. You have a stellar opportunity here to go into detail and really ground the reader in this world of yours, but you miss it, going straight for the conflict. I'd advise you to build up tension in the imagery you would be to write, so that way the man under the tree comes at more of a shock. Furthermore, show not tell. This is the most famous writing advice you've probably heard more than 10 times from different people. Don't say the day is gorgeous. Instead, describe the warming rays of the sun, the melody of the water in the brook, the lovely hues of the trees, and the sierra majesty enveloping the region like nature's hug.

Let's talk about your characters. By refusing them names, characteristics, and much anything else you distant the reader from them. While I think the youngest son being forced to attack and kill a vampire is ridiculous on the parenting end, you miss several other opportunities here. You don't say how he killed him. You don't describe the tools in which to do so. You don't use our first sight of a vampire in your story as a tool to really describe what one looks like. Lastly, you don't even build any tone or tension in this scene. It feels like an absolute waste of a scene with lots of opportunity: the young son forced against his will to avenge his village and slay a vampire.

Let's talk more about the setting. Is this even on Earth? We don't get enough hints and clues to even have an inkling of where and when we are. Perhaps it is medieval, or classical, or Renaissance, or dark ages? We have no way to tell other than the fact there's isolated villages and that two occupants of which have black hair and hazel eyes. So I can, with some research, deduce that the village is either in central or southern Europe, or Britain. There's a couple other regions but these are the main ones. Time period is thrown out the window, as I'm barely able to figure that out even. 

Let's discuss characters and time skips. This isn't the traditional type of time skip I run into, with the indentation and little time changed in the scene. Instead, this is a time skip spanning centuries. It's more or less an info dump for lack of a better term. No: it simply is an info dump. There's oftentimes few ways to avoid this. But what I would do in your situation is change the village portions to a prologue and in the first chapter instead say 250 years later or something, and then SHOW the same facial and physical traits of these new characters instead of outright stating they're descendants, and then SHOW that this family still hunts paranormal beings. Furthermore, I would add names to the village characters so that way no reader is confused that they're immortal since they'd have the same physical traits. That is a very good way to fix your predicament and I recommend you take it.

Let's talk about the different journeys of the brothers. This is a bit ridiculous. No matter who they are in the paranormal sense, families in colonial times would be the only thing people had going into the new world. that, and their hands. Every day you have to cook, chop firewood, hunt/check your traps/work and protect the livestock, care for your crops, and then when the seasons change have plenty of hands to take care of the harvest, since practically everyone farmed back then (although I wouldn't know what "back then" is because no time is specified, beside stating that the region is the "would be" USA). There is a whole world of colonial history for the peasantry and commoner, a world in which an extra family member was a burden and a blessing. They had to worry about attacks of unfriendly European nations, attacks of native Americans, ghastly winters and  a brutal existence. Part of the reason America has been seen in the past as hard working was solely because it was born from a stubborn and desperate lot.

The fact of the matter is, for this story, we don't know these characters. We don't care. You've introduced and gone by so many already you don't have any time to actually give them characterization. Either do it all in one big skip to modern day or spend several chapters highlighting the lives and hopes and fears and dreams and all that of every generation. I recommend the former for a quick fix, but it'll take more than a few quick fixes to fix this chapter, so just know that.

I suppose that concludes my review.

I hope this review came as a great help to you and I hope you continue writing. It is crucial you keep writing and improving your craft. Even the best writers alive are still students to editors and publishers.

Good luck and I hope you have success!