heartofemotion

Rating: B+, pretty damn good.

I can easily tell your characters are your strongest point in your book. This is a good thing, and the best thing that any writer could be strongest at. Characterization is the most important attribute you could have in your story, so good job. You started your book well in the first chapter with characters, and if you've read past reviews you'll know that's, in my opinion, the best way to start a hook.

I skipped the cast and trailer and chapters before that because I didn't quite want it to affect my reading, and if you've read past reviews you'll know I do this.

The first thing I notice is the strange way of describing actions and imagery. While it is good you do describe your imagery and such it's a little awkward to read. Sometimes when reading first chapters writers are either too vague or too specific, and seldom do writers hit right in the middle in that nice spot. Yours is a little too specific, and I think it would do some good to edit this portion later. Furthermore, you miss a couple good opportunities for commas and correct punctuation. Without correct punctuation it sounds immature and unprofessional, and is just generally a little bit of a struggle to comfortably read.

There are generally numerous spelling errors that will need to be addressed, but that's a little thing so I won't make a big deal of it.

But, I will make a deal of it.

Here's a prime example: Marissa leaning on the window eyes open tears flow from them....

That's what I mean. Try reading that aloud, and you'll find it's a pain. That's all, really.

That elmo doll simile was a curve ball, but it didn't throw me completely off. I did enjoy that champagne metaphor though earlier, because it hints to their privileged lives, and that's what 'd rather see more of. This is something I'd like to see more in wattpad. Once in GoT (Eh, first seasons were good) one of the characters, Tormund Giantsbane, compared to how they got defeated in battle (If I remember correctly) like piss through snow. This line is beautiful, in actuality. Not only does it describe how easily they cut through their lines, and not only does it hint to his warrior activities, but also hints to his untamed way of life and his northern home and background. Little lines and metaphors like those are gold in my eyes, and even if they just hint to one or two things about the character or setting it saves a lot of space and time in your book where you might've written about that instead of it being easily implied through a little metaphor.

General language could be cleaned up, and I already sorta addressed this but it's very clunky, and I think this and the on-paper formatting/grammar are your two biggest faults. You described luggage as pink whitish. That's horrible. You could describe it instead as salmon, or light pink, or rose, etc. There are thousands of word lists for writers, some of which I might even just print and post on my wall to help me out myself.

With imagery you can also use connotative words. In a recently posted review I discuss was connotation is and how to utilize it well.

You ended it well in my opinion with the introduction of a new character.

All in all, you did a good job. Your imagery was like a slap to my face every time I read a new line, but simple editing would fix that. Your characters seem, without revealing too much, realistic and fleshed out. 

Good luck with this new book of yours and I hope you keep writing and improving your craft. That's the writer's burden: Always improving and never stopping.

I hope you enjoyed my review too and will enjoy the next one.