tanya_4_2003

Rating: C+, needs some work.

Your cast and aesthetics were impressive, so I thought that was a neat touch. Now, the solid things I liked about your story were the tension you built in the beginning and the hook you left at the end. I think your plot dynamics in regard to chapter structure are you strongest points, as well as your flow from one idea to another. It's very fluid and I always like when a writer's flow is that easy when reading.

And while I thought your tension in the beginning was good, it was also short lived. I think that if you linger on it, or rather not tell us who this Felix is and just leave him as "him" until we are introduced to him in the first chapter, it would do much better.

While I did find the fact an arranged marriage is a little strange, you also pointed out the fact that the parents of each family owned companies. I thought that was a subtle touch, as well as the "frat" party specifically, to hint that the students are upper class students at a wealthy college.

One big thing I didn't like was there was little to no definition of setting in your prologue and first chapter. It could be in the USA, GB, Australia, but the only indication that it was the west for me was that they're white casted actors and some of the culture resembles that of the west. That's it. I shouldn't, as a reader, have to dig around to find clues of where the story is taking place. And furthermore, there's no real colleges in modern day that use lockers. Most students just walk around with everything they need with them, because a college is a campus, not a single building.

And because of these little details, or rather lack of details regarding college (major, location, professors, opinions from protagonist on all of these), it gives off an immature feel, like the college that someone would imagine than the actual 3-4 year long enrollment. Almost as if this is a fantasy about what college is like than the actual experience. I would recommend visiting college campuses, contacting people online who have gone or are going to college, and just immerse yourself in that world to better ground your story. This is a huge edit I'm suggesting, but it's an important one.

When reading through I feel as if your dialogue and cliches are your weakest parts, beyond setting. Dialogue, as in not only the grammatical portion of it (which I'll get into later) but the nature of it. The way you write college senior dialogue, it's just... no one talks like that. Even if they are sexually aroused, or genuinely terrified, or genuinely upset, no one really speaks in their nature. This isn't something I can just say "oh here's how to fix that", but it would be good to, perhaps, get a dialogue editor or have dialogue reviews for your writing. That's the best I can offer.

As for the cliche part, they're kinda everywhere. I'm not necessarily against the use of cliches. I think that they're great tools if used effectively, though. Otherwise, your story lacks originality. One way to use cliches are to introduce them, and then later show that there's more to the picture. Maybe this jock is actually really sensitive and weak, maybe this love triangle is actually just a platonic friend third-wheeling their relationship. Those are just a few common cliches I see around. There's numerous ways to do this.

The cliche that struck me the hardest was the alarm clock cliche. In no way, shape, or form is this a way to start your story. I felt instantly disinterested because of it. There's a great video by Diana Collins (?) on YouTube that addresses how to write a great first line. I heavily recommend you watch it, because not only will it help you with this story but it will help you for all stories to come. youtube.com/watch?v=bm9trk8xRpg

Her YT is actually Diane Callahan, and she's great.

Now, reading through the prologue, the grammar seems to linearly become worse and worse. It's a goofy thing to notice, and not a big deal, but if you ever want to have this in its final copy it'd be good to get on that.

I also saw a trend in your dialogue. Again, not a big thing, but the "!!" and "??" and other double-punctuating marks aren't really a thing. The "?!" or "!?" is indeed recognized as legitimate, but I would just scratch those other ones. Hooray to you for indenting dialogue, but properly writing and punctuating dialogue would be a good habit and practice to get into. This includes the ellipses too, the "dot dot dot" (...), but again, no big deal.

While your story is a romance, it's important not every aspect of it is. College should still play a role, as well as the setting, imagery, location, and global events. This strengthens the story by making it seem more realistic, and it makes it so the characters are acting in the story rather than being the story.

I hope this review was very eye opening and helpful! Don't stop writing. There's a first book for everyone, and I hope for you there's a second, and a third, and a fourth... etc.

Good luck, and thank you for giving me the honor to write this review!