Amy400

Rating: B-, still good, just misses a couple things.

For this first chapter, I could tell immediately the world building was very developed. You know exactly what you have in mind, and you tell us in different details how it is.  I think that was your strongest point---you have such a strongly defined world.

Our character is a man. That's just as much as we know about him. He obviously is dangerous and poses a threat, and is clever and knows his magical world well (and he is also determined), but beyond that we don't know that much about him. Most of your story has action and world building inside of it, but little room is left for our hero! I'm not necessarily looking for solid, concrete facts like his name or his occupation or his age. I'm not one of those people who wants a list about who they are. I like learning about my characters as the story goes along, but I think there may be less character than what seems comfortable. A first chapter is supposed to convey the tone and situation that the story is all about, and with the chasing and world building there I'm sure you did convey that well, but I've always said (but maybe haven't done it well myself as a writer) that introducing real and believable characters first make the reader not forget them and want to know more about them.

Now above^ I said you know exactly what you have in mind, but the audience doesn't know. Now that's not really a bad thing, but the way you introduce the information leaves me maybe a little baffled and confused. If I were you I'd want to go for the perfect balance of curiosity and understand. It's like teaching small children mathematics. I hate math, but this is a good example. The best way is to start them off with addition and subtraction, and then build on it with later multiplication and division. In your first chapter it feels like all we get is multiplication and division rather than any basis of addition and subtraction. A fantasy novel's first chapter should introduce the world, in my honest opinion, in bite sized pieces, and if it introduces it in large pieces maybe the narrator or characters could break it down into simpler forms so I could understand it better. That's just a suggestion based on the learning curve, and I like my learning curves a little flatter than steeper.

I didn't really take into account the couple spelling errors and sentence structure errors because I know you're Dutch and not a native English speaker, and those can be easily fixed in edits. I know you'll be able to take this story further, and I hope I get to see that! It was a pleasure reading it! :P