"I am done, Hayden," Ashwant admitted, a look of vexation crossing his face, "I can't take it anymore."

A storm of anguish brewed in my stomach having this conversation with him. The following months of May and mid-June had gone by with absolutely no progress. Almourah's devastating portrayal of violence never stopped. Nazira and I had gone through the details over and over again- same words, same drill, her temper starting to show as well, but neither of us were able to figure out which great detail was going to give a hint regarding his weakness.

The healing process had been consistent. Gaining a fine treatment from Ashwant helped me bounce back, giving me a clean bill of health. But after spending more than three months in this cave, juggling between life and death, and doing nothing but breathing, eating and recovering from death, lately, I started to develop a low-grade fever and had been suffering from sore joints.

I'd been trying to keep pace with Ashwant for so long, having my senses dulled by his remarks. But today things seemed to be changing. His persistent complaining and putting pressure on me to get back to Dakshinpur was driving me up the wall. Nazira, during my original trip to Parallel Universe, had been indecisive as well. But then she had pulled herself together, coming in terms that keeping company with each other would help finish the job in time. But Ashwant was being borderline irresolute. He had his reasons though, and that was holding me back from bursting out. Blaming him would only spoil our friendship.

"I have to look after my clan as well," he continued. "I told you they need me. I'm worried about them."

He concluded the conversation with the note of disappointment with me. I let out a tired sigh and quickly tried to come to a decision. In the given situation, the solution for it that I had in mind was the best way to overcome this problem. Almourah was the only one I needed to put up with. Not with a friend who was being terrible, nagging wife at the moment.

I scrubbed my greasy face and scratched my chin speckled with uneven dirty stubble, "You should go," I said, "Alone."

Ashwant, who was as untidy as me, gaped aghast. "Are you saying you want to stay here all by yourself? Are you out of your mind?"

"You said I was out of my mind when I declared war. Maybe you don't know me too well but I have been out my mind even before that. Things never change with me, alright? I only wish you to get used to it but I guess that's never gonna happen."

He scrunched his face. "It's perfectly alright to accept failure and take a step back."

"That's such a convenient statement meant for one's satisfaction. Similar to, the sun rises in the east, heck, but we all know it's a whopper of a lie. And I'm not taking a step back when I've come this far to save my friend and this country."

"But there is no progress. We are stuck here. It's all because of your psychotic, stubborn attitude. Maybe we can go back and think of something better..."

"Ashwant, I'll be fine," I said, pressing my eyes shut, keeping my voice low, "You need a breath of fresh air, I understand that. Go and have a check on your clan. And if I'm not able to live here by myself, I'll send a word through mind connection. Pruthvi and Leena are trying to contact me so it is working. I'll inform them, alright? You can come back, that is only if you want to."

He stared at me for a moment and stood up. Unable to make up his mind, he walked here and there thinking profoundly. "I can't do that. I want you to come with me or else..."

I looked up, keeping my face expressionless although there was a pressure building up from inside. "We don't have a choice. You don't want to stay here and I don't want to return. Because I swear nothing good will come out of it. I'd just be detained and thrown in jail without even a trial. I'd be useless anyway. So it's better I stay here and keep trying."

"Didn't you say you need me to fill in Doctor's shoes?"

"I just realized there's a difference. He had a son to look after the clan."

There was a moment of freezing silence. The way he held onto that firm look, so deep in thought, either he was considering it, or rathers searching for something that might change my mind and accompany back with him. Only if such a thing existed...

"Is this your final decision?" he asked.

My throat pained. He considered it. Ashwant Veer was going to leave me alone. "Yes. You should go."

"Do you want me to send Pruthvi here instead?"

I paused before giving away a hasty reply. His suggestion seemed like a refreshing thought, like a splash of cold water on a tired face. I wanted to say yes but then gulped it down.

Pruthvi had been my brutally honest buddy. I resented and loved him for that. Accepting the occupational tiffs was part of our subtle bond of friendship. But then, I'd been dying every other day even after having the advantage of being able to see Almourah. If Pruthvi joined me, Almourah would take twice the delight of killing him as well. Apart from that, wouldn't he simply fall asleep like Ashwant? Pruthvi wasting his days here with me would only deprive the country of another Samagraha in charge.

"No!" I said, quite loudly, "Things have to be the same as they are now. If I fail to handle, then you, yourself come back. Not Pruthvi. Not Leena. You."

"If I don't get a word from you," he said, stating his final words, "I'll wait till your birthday, and return immediately. Is that okay?"

"Don't forget to bring a cake," I sniggered, but not because to create humor. "I hope you'll manage everything in Panchayat, though."

"That I will. Hayden, are you really sure?"

"Yes!" I affirmed, "There's no need to feel guilty. You need to do this, so go."

The next fifteen minutes passed agonizingly slowly. Feeling numb, I watched him pack his bag. He left a few stuff behind-the Samavek and a few clothing- as an assurance that he was to come back. He explained what kind of medicine to take, and at what condition. I kept nodding, listening silently, and wishing for the things not to have turned this way. I offered to walk him past the stream, he would be needing help just in case he dropped down asleep.

"I'll be back. Just stay put, okay?" He said, squeezing my shoulder.

"Don't let anyone know about our...my situation. Especially to Pruthvi and Leena. Just tell them you've lost me and have no idea about my whereabouts. Better don't let them know the truth. Otherwise, they'll cause a riot." I said with a hesitant forlorn smile.

Eventually, Ashwant left and disappeared behind the thick trunks of the pine trees.

I walked back towards the cave, staring at nothing through my moistened eyes. The sky was pale with the setting, cloudwashed sun. The bleak weather only added a feeling of desolation. From the corner of my eyes, I watched the lighthouse and that terrifying window seemed to be calling upon me. Tomorrow was going to be another day that would be regarded as another day I died.

I entered the cave. Stood inside, head bowed as if oppressed by the weight of the roof above me. Silent and filled with gloom. Unable to understand what I was supposed to do. It was getting darker and I couldn't get the sense of anything. My stomach churned. Was I hungry? I wouldn't know. Bending a little, I pulled a muffin out of the basket and took a bite. It was sweet but left a bad taste in my mouth when thoughts began to fill in my mind and the realization of my situation.

Horrifying, it was. Utterly hopeless.

Anger surged through my veins, demanding a release. I needed someone to stop me from bursting. Someone to hold my hand and tell me that as long as I was here, hope existed. I looked around. There was no one. The claustrophobic interiors of this cave were making me paranoid. A single drop of tear escaped my eye and that indicated the wrath engulfing me.

I groaned in a fit of terrible anger. Flames erupted out of my hands, like a volcano. I sought for the first thing nearby. And it was the basket. I lifted it and smashed it against the rocky walls of the cave, again and again, until everything built inside me flooded out. Every item in the basket scattered down the floor.  A few sparks escaped from the corners of the basket. And that was the moment I finally stopped bugging myself.

Taking deliberate deep breathes, I threw the ruined basket out of my sight and fell on knees. Sending Ashwant away was the right thing to do. Yes, it was.

In the silence, hearing the steady hum of thin stream, a shoal of fish splashed the water droplets out of the puddle. My burning, teary eyes were drawn towards them. I glared hard at the fish. Took another moment, until the heat abated off my forehead, fury lessening allowing me to think logically.

Those fish reminded me of Matsyasvi and a notion of satisfying the desire of seeing someone arose.

I didn't have to think in a profound way about who I wanted to meet. Gritting my teeth, I strode out of the cave before my mind changed. Lighthouse was straight up ahead, where death was waiting for me. It wasn't going to be tomorrow, it was going to be now. For the very first time and making a resolve that it shall be the last time, I decided to die out of a free will. I was about to pass through the light and talk my heart out with Nazira Khan.