Don't leave yet
Eric Nam

"If it's a dark lonely road
In the car going home
Watching stars on the coast
Without someone to hold
You don't need to leave yet
Cause there's a reason. "

Ding dong

Ding dong, ding dong

Ding dong

The constant ringing of the doorbell is driving me crazy. I can't keep putting up with the person causing the noise and disrupting my peace. He comes every day, mainly in the evening after work. I've tried to ignore it for tonight, but it's clear that he's too eager to get on my nerves. My best friend is concerned for me, especially considering how I struggled when Jennie left me years ago.

As I open the door, my blonde friend Jimin exclaims, "I was on the verge of breaking down your door or calling in the SWAT team!" Without wasting a second, he pushes me aside and enters my flat. The delicious smell of takeout food fills the air, emanating from the array of boxes that Jimin just scattered across my coffee table.

We eat silently; that's how it worked for us the last few weeks. Jimin is scared I'd let myself drown in lovesickness. Finding me unconscious between alcohol bottles and vomiting after the breakup with my first love did something to him. But that was years ago, and I'm not that person anymore. It was my first heartbreak, and I didn't know better how to deal with the constant pain in my chest then. Yet, Jimin also knows how hurt I am. How shattered my soul is while craving for the woman I love. 

Crystal would blame herself if she'd found out I'd hurt myself by numbing the pain with drugs and alcohol to the point of memory loss the following day. And I don't want the woman I'm still madly in love with to worry about me. She always got the best out of me, and I learned to channel my emotions better than before I met her. Before her,  I was an empty shell. My world and beliefs were broken into thousands of pieces after Jennie left me; that's what I thought. Until I met the most amazing woman, she showed me what I could do. The world is a beautiful place if you look at it positively,  even with all my flaws and scars. 

It began when I first saw her on the tram on a cold winter night. Her fragile appearance caught my attention, but when I saw her adorable face, drawn in sadness and betrayal, my heart ached, and I knew I wanted to protect this beautiful stranger. Funny how it turned out. I seduced her. Fucked the hell out of her. I fell madly in love, although I shouldn't. Unnecessarily hurt her because of my dumb pride. I got her back and swore never to leave her again. In the end, I lost everything that I'd ever wanted. 

The love of my life and our unborn baby. 

Jimin's voice trembles as he looks at me with a hint of desperation in his eyes. "Are you still bringing her food?" he asks, his tone laced with sadness. I could sense his concern for the person he was referring to. Without hesitation, I nod, hoping to alleviate some of the burden he's carrying.

I had told him everything that had led me to this moment - the conversation with my parents, Crystal's pregnancy, and the loss of our baby. The weight on my chest was too heavy to carry alone. Jimin had already sensed that something was wrong, but upon hearing the news, he was shocked and hurt. That night, I had called him with a shaky voice as desperation and frustration threatened to drown me. Without hesitation, Jimin had driven as fast as he could to my place to offer me his support.

"Hey, it's been almost a month, my friend. So, is she still not talking to you?" he reminds me with a curious tone.

I let out a deep sigh as I spoke, my eyes fixed on Jimin. "To be clear, my intention is not to have her come here and talk to me," I explain. "My main objective is to ensure that she is taking proper care of herself, especially when she is feeling sad and depressed. I want her to eat well and make sure she is getting enough rest. It's easy for her to forget about herself when she's having a tough time."

Jimin nods, his eyes softening with understanding. "I can see why that's important," he says. "But have you tried to talk to her? Maybe she needs someone to talk to."

I sigh, feeling the weight of the situation crushing me again. "I have tried," I say, my voice barely above a whisper. "But she's not ready yet. And I don't want to push her. I want to make sure she's okay."

Jimin places a comforting hand on my shoulder. "I understand," he says. "And I think what you're doing is amazing. You're a good man."

We sit in silence for a few moments, lost in our thoughts. Then, Jimin speaks up again. "Do you need any help with anything? I can come with you to bring her food if you want."

I smile gratefully at him. "Thanks, Jimin. I appreciate it. But I got this."

I leave with Jimin and walk towards my car as I feel a sense of purpose over me. Even though I couldn't fix everything wrong, I could still do something to help. And that was enough. As I stand by the side of the road, watching my best friend walk toward his car, I feel a sense of sadness creeping up within me. I see him wave his hands goodbye one last time, and he gets into his car and starts the engine. I watch as he drives away, his car slowly disappearing from my sight, and I can't help but feel a sense of loneliness. 

Over the past few weeks, I have deliberately avoided eating fast food like burgers and pizzas. My priority is Crystal's health, and I'm committed to ensuring she enjoys a variety of healthy meals. I've been reading extensively about pregnancy and miscarriage to understand better what she's experiencing. I'm acutely aware of the importance of vitamins in her recovery process, and I take great care to select only the best for her. 

Every day, my desire to see her or hear her voice grows stronger. The absence of her scent from my pillow and clothes is becoming increasingly noticeable. I know I have to wash them at some point, but the thought of losing even the faintest trace of her smell fills me with a sense of loss. I've even gone as far as to buy the fabric softener that she uses, but it's not enough to replicate the sweet aroma that lingers around her. Every time I inhale the scent of the softener, I'm reminded of how much I miss her. 

As I approach the familiar building, I am struck by a wave of memories. The cold steel entrance looms before me, just as it did all those times we walked through it hand in hand. I recall the feeling of her fingers interlacing with mine, the warmth of her body pressed against mine as we made our way to her apartment. I can even remember the sound of our footsteps echoing against the polished concrete floors. I smile as I recall the times when I couldn't resist reaching under her shirt or inside her jeans to feel the soft curves of her body. Those were the moments when time seemed to stand still, and nothing else mattered except for the two of us.

A feeling of nostalgia overwhelms me as I walk down the long hallway that leads to the pure white door. This door holds a special place in my heart, as it once led me to the warm and loving home of Crystal. I have always struggled to feel at home in other people's houses, but Crystal had a way of transforming any space into a sanctuary. As I set down the box I am carrying, a wave of emotion washes over me, my heart heavy with the memories of the time spent in her company. Though my mind is overflowing with thoughts of seeing her again, I am momentarily paralyzed by the sight of her door, standing silently before me.

My heart yearns to hold her close, to feel the warmth of her embrace and the gentle rhythm of her breath. Oh, how I long to taste her sweetness, to savor the essence of her being. I yearn to gaze into her eyes, to behold the radiance of her soul, and to see the joy that shines from within. I want to talk to her, to hear her voice and feel her presence, to ask her how she's been, and to share in her joys and sorrows. But I know that patience is a virtue, and I do not wish to be pushy or overbearing. This woman is worth waiting for, and I will wait for her as long as it takes. For she is the one who has captured my heart, and I will do everything in my power to make her mine again.

As I turn around to leave the gate of my paradise, I hear a faint sound emanating from her apartment. Straining my ears, I try to decipher the source of the noise. It takes me a moment to realize that it must be her, standing close to the door, perhaps lost in thought or hesitant to make her presence known. The sound is barely audible, but it carries a sense of vulnerability as if she is trying to reach out to me without revealing too much of herself.

I am startled as I hear a familiar voice calling out my name. "Tae?" I turn to face the closed door, and my heart skips a beat as I realize it's her. The person I have been yearning to speak with for so long is finally behind this door, and I can hear the sound of her voice. I reach out and touch the door, still in disbelief that she is here.

 "Yes, love, it's me," I answer, my heart beating fast in my chest. I can feel my voice cracking in the middle of my sentence, a mix of excitement, nervousness, and longing taking over me. It's been so long since I've heard her voice, and now it feels like all the emotions I've been holding back are rushing to the surface.

The sound of her faint breath reaches my ears even through the wooden barrier that separates us. Crystal expresses her gratitude, "Thank you so much for the food; they were all delicious," a warm smile appears on my lips, pleased that my efforts in picking the meals were appreciated.

"It's enough now. I can take care of myself. You don't have to bring me food anymore," Crystal says calmly, but her words cut through me like a knife. I feel a lump forming in my throat, and my eyes well up with tears. I try to compose myself, but my body is shaking with the force of my emotions.

I open my mouth to speak, but no words come out. Crystal seems to sense my distress, and she makes a comforting sound against the door that keeps me away. "It's okay, Tae. You've done so much for me already. I appreciate everything you've done," she says, her voice soft and gentle.

I take a deep breath, trying to steady myself. "Can I see you?" I ask, desperation creeping into my voice. I need to see her to know that she's okay. "Crissy, I need to see you!"

There's a long pause, and I feel my heart sinking. Is this it? Is this the end? But then Crystal speaks, her voice hesitant. "I don't think that's a good idea, Tae. I need some time to figure things out."

I feel a wave of despair wash over me. I don't know what to do without her in my life. But I force myself to nod, to accept her decision. "Okay," I say quietly. "I understand."

I stand outside the door, my heart heavy with the impending goodbye. I wait momentarily, hoping for any sign that she wants me to stay. I listen intently, but there's no sound inside the room. I take a deep breath and steel myself for what's to come. "Goodbye, my love," I say softly, my voice barely above a whisper. With a heavy heart, I walk away, the moment's weight.

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