It'll be ok
Shawn Mendes

"If we can't stop the bleeding
We don't have to fix it, we don't have to stay.  I will love you either way"

Silence takes over my whole apartment. The cup of tea Taehyung made me, is empty and still on the bedside where he placed it for me. That was a week ago. My apartment is a mess. Many different takeaway boxes are piled up on the coffee table, some of them are not finished, and the smell of rotting food is quite noticeable. Empty water bottles are spread all over the floor. I haven't cleaned up since the day Taehyung left. Not the apartment nor myself.

It's 1 p.m. and I'm still in bed. Motivation has been an unfamiliar vocabulary to me since I lost my little miracle. The miracle came suddenly and left in a blink of an eye. Physically, I'm better but psychologically, I'm a wreck. I rarely get up only when I need to go to the toilet. Questions about how I should live my life have been bothering me. Anger within me is eating me up but the main reason why I'm angry is because of my weakness. 

I'm weaker than I thought. That's why I had to let go of Taehyung. Even though I love him, I am not the woman he needs right now. Not in this current situation. As if I would be able to give him what he deserves when I don't know how to take care of myself and my late embryo. It may hurt him but it's the best I could do for both of us. Our souls are too damaged right now. Too many things happened in such a short time that I wasn't able to breathe. If we continued the relationship, we would've hurt each other brutally and that would have torn us apart, forever. This way we may have another chance in the distant future.

Taehyung was devastated by the words his parents said. He won't tell me because I know I'm important to him. I also know that he would have chosen me over his parents but I don't want that. My family is already a mess and I don't want him to choose anyone. His mother's eyes were shining when she saw her son in their home. These eyes were filled with nothing more but love and adoration. That's what I imagined a mother would look at her children.

I never had that.

Of course, she reacted the way she did. I was a complete stranger who stood beside her beloved son. And I also understand because of how they grew up. Their standards are different from modern Western culture. Sure I was influenced by my Asian grandparents as they raised me until my sixth birthday but that doesn't change the fact I'm still a foreigner to them. I went blindly into their life without any knowledge of the culture plus I was not able to communicate and give them a proper picture of me as the woman who's in love with their son.

The sound of knocking on my door takes my attention from my daze. Probably it's the same person who knocked on the door yesterday, a day before yesterday, and any other day of this week. And like the other days, the door remains sealed, and without a word coming out from me or the other person outside, silence becomes louder in my ears. Steps hitting the hard floor are audible as they go farther away until it's completely gone. I wish I could let him in but we are not ready to see each other. It would break us even more and healing would take much longer.

My curtains protect the apartment from any light coming inside. The time is long forgotten, this happens when you lay in bed all day long. Only the clock on my phone shows me the reality but physically it feels like a night that never ends. When laziness hits me to rest a bit more to take a nap, the doorbell rings. That's weird because the person I am used to doesn't ring the bell. A moment of unknown and wondering fills my chest but when I hear a familiar voice I shriek up in shock. 

"Bambi, it's me, Jin. Are you in there?" Shit, it's my boss. I saw his messages and calls but I didn't have the strength to answer any of them. Although weak on my feet, I try to stand up and walk slowly to open the door. The sudden ray of light hurts, and  I have to close my eyes to protect them. A fresh scent welcomes me, it's a mix of freshly showered and a cotton musk mix. It's the typical Seokjin aroma. Clean and very comfortable to all of my senses.

He looks around as soon as he enters my flat. Embarrassment should fill me with the condition of my apartment but it doesn't matter to me. "What happened here? I haven't heard anything from you in two weeks!" Jin searches for eye contact but I avoid him as I turn around and sit on the empty spot on my sofa. The only area without wasted food boxes and plastic bags. "Bambi, you should take a shower, no, better take a bath first." My boss and also a close friend by now, grab my wrist gently to pull me up. I submit to his actions and follow him quietly into the cold bathroom. 

Water is streaming into the bathtub and creating little bubbles and foam as he squeezes some soap in. A flowery vanilla mix steams the little room with its sweet scent. Jin turns around to look at me but when our eyes meet, he caresses my cheeks and cleans the rolling tears away. I didn't notice them until he touched me. "Go in and relax for a while. I'll take care of everything." The handsome man says before leaving the room and closing the door.

Feeling the wetness on my face is proof of how I miss Taehyung. My body reacts on its own without me realizing it. Tae loved this scent so much. For me, it was just a normal soap but he would always compliment me. Telling me how good I smell. His first gesture when he saw me after a long day of work was a tight embrace and him sniffing my neck. I miss those little things yet I locked them already somewhere in the back of my heart. 

When coming back to my senses, I realize that Jin prepared the bathtub but I can't use it. I'm still bleeding and it's not a good idea to take a bath. The chance of getting an infection is higher. So I enter the shower and turn on the cold downpour. The freezing water wakes all my cells and every fiber in my body is in pain. Tears stream quietly down my face as I embrace myself on the floor. Too many negative thoughts are playing in my head to stop this dreadful state of mine.

Yet I would never be brave enough to finally end myself. These thoughts are the devil's game and he surely is near to getting me where he wants me but the sound of my friend knocking against the door pulls me out of it. "It's been thirty minutes, are you okay?" A chuckle leaves my lungs at Jin's effort and I couldn't thank him more for what he's doing. 

~•~

A plastic bag with takeaways full of food is on the table. The apartment looks tidy and clean because Jin was friendly enough to put the trash into the bin. Fresh air from the opened windows fills up the room. It's not dark anymore even though it's raining outside but the curtains darkened the apartment. "These were in front of your door." Seokjin points to the white plastics. "I bought you some groceries as well and put them into your fridge. Did you call the food in?"

My eyes are stuck on the food on the table when imagination plays in my mind about how the person must have placed them in front of my door. The bag looks so neat as if he put it very gently on the floor. "I didn't!" I answer shortly with a low voice but enough for Jin to understand. We sit down on the stools as he starts to put them out. As always, the food is put in an extra box to keep the meal warm for hours. "Taehyung did."

"Wow, that's a nice boyfriend." My friend says with a smile on his face. He doesn't know.

"We broke up," I inform him. Jin stops his movements as his gaze wanders toward me with confusion.

"What?" "How?" "Why?" He stutters, "since when?" Jin is perplexed at the news I told him and his face says it all. "And still he brings you food?"

"Yeah, I don't know either. He must be thinking I'm not eating." I can't look at my friend, too scared I could fall apart if he gives me a sad attitude.

"Well, your fridge was empty. The apartment was a mess and don't get me started with your appearance. Woman, I sent you thousands of messages but didn't answer one of them! I'm worried about you and so is Taehyung." At the mention of his name, I finally lock my eyes with Jin. He's frowning. "You heard right, Taehyung called me at work this morning and told me to look after you because you're sick. I thought you had a fight or he was not here because of work but it never crossed my mind that you guys broke up."

He did what? Taehyung would be the last one to call another man to look after me. Damn, my man must be very desperate. I guess he's as stubborn as I am but I also know we're not ready. I am not ready. Too many wounds are still open and they haven't healed yet. Taehyung brought me food twice a day and left without a word after he tried to talk to me the first two days. In the end, he gave up and stayed quiet while he placed the food on the floor. It's been a week since we broke up but he would still come twice a day just to take care that I'm eating.

Time will show us what we want and what's important in our lives. But for now, we need to heal.  "Jin, I need your help!"

"You have a lot to explain first, woman!" My friend says with a worried frown and I will. Seokjin deserves an explanation and I also know he will help me to achieve my goals. 

an: please don't forget to vote⭐

How would Jin be a help to Crystal?  What are her achievements?