Hold on
Chord Overstreet

"Can you hear me screaming? Please don't leave me
Hold on, I still want you
Come back, I still need you"

"Let's break up, Tae!" It's as if she just told me a hilarious joke hence I giggle at her comment. Crystal's facial expression doesn't change. I can't read her but her emotionless attitude is something I didn't get used to the past few days, and I refuse to sympathize with her. Either she shows me her anger, sadness, or worries, any emotion is okay because that would tell me she cares. But her usually love-filled eyes are empty, with no emotions. As if she's watching through me as if I'm not standing in front of her.

"Crissy, this is a joke, right?" I approach her but stop as soon as I witness her body getting more tense. I'm failing miserably as I try to search for a hint of her lie but she's fucking serious. The insides of me squeezing uncomfortably in sorrow. In my mind are playing scenes where she could've gotten the idea of breaking up but I can't find a situation. "Love, did I do something wrong?" 

"Taehyung," It's not good if she starts her sentence with my name instead of calling me Tae which she usually does. "You were perfect, I couldn't have asked for more. Thank you so much for standing beside me but isn't this a sign?" There is finally a glistening in her eyes, showing me how hard she's trying to stay quiet.

"What sign and what for?"

"Everything and everyone is against us. First Jimin, I know we talked about it already and it's in the past but I also know you. You won't forget that and I'm scared it'll backfire on me. Secondly, your parents won't accept me. You said you chose me but let's be honest, won't you regret it after a few years? It's not that easy to be ignored by your family and it'll eat you up so slowly but hit hard at the end. And lastly," Crystal blinks a few times to cover up her build-up tears before watching the burning box on the lake. "We lost our baby. Even the universe is against this relationship. Maybe we're not destined for each other."

The pain in my chest increases with every heartbeat. My head is full of questions yet I feel so empty and defeated. Crystal is right, I'm a resentful person but my love for her is bigger than the negative thoughts. But what if she's right? What if I'll change my mind in a few years when the honeymoon phase is over when daily life kicks in? Will I really regret it as my mother mentioned it already and now Crystal as well? "Crystal, I love you!"

Her eyes meet mine and I finally feel seen by her. The warmth in her chocolate irises reaches me as they hold me in a chokehold. "And I love you, Taehyung, that's why I have to let go of you. I don't want to be the reason for damaging your family and your friendship. I was selfish for wanting you back after the Jimin issue but when I saw how broken you were in Seoul, it wrecked me. I don't have the right to break your heart and especially your mother's heart. She raised and loves you. You're her Baby, her everything, her world and I don't want to take that away from her. Us, losing this embryo was the sign to stop here."

My throat feels sore although I haven't done anything yet. I want to scream and cry out of anger and pain, throw a tantrum like a little kid, and scold her for saying such things. But all I do is stay silent and think about her words. Crystal is someone who doesn't just say anything out of impulse, she gives a lot of thought in her words. Words are powerful and can hurt people, she's aware of all this. "I will always choose you!"

The softness of her skin touches me as she caresses my cheek with her hand. Dark chocolate brown eyes stare into my soul and somehow I get the thought that this could be the last time. It scares me and I don't want to accept this either. "Thank you for everything, I really mean it." Cold sweat covers my forehead when she says those lines in a whisper tone. Her beautiful face is painted with sadness and misery but still gives me the most genuine dimple smile. "I'm not ready and never will be, to take you from someone who is one of the most important people in your life."

"Crystal, but you're as important as my family is to me! You belong to me, I want my future with you beside me." I take her hands in mine and squeeze them gently but she slowly shakes her head in disagreement. Another cracking sound in my heart occurs. "Please, stay with me. We can work this out, we won't even see them as much. They live thousands of miles away."

"Taehyung, do you even listen to yourself? It doesn't matter how far or near they live. Family is family and you can't change that! Do you know how heartbreaking it was to watch you and your mother acting like strangers? Your mother loves you so much that she keeps your room the way you left it just so she can imagine you will come home anytime soon. We lost our baby and maybe this is why it hurts even more but we need to end this." The silence is ending this conversation.

Crystal turns around. I can still see her walking carefully due to the pain. She's recovering but nobody can heal the wounds in her mother-soul. The embryo was only a few weeks old but I saw how proud she was. Whenever she woke up and after she threw up, she would watch her tummy in the mirror from all sides. It sounds stupid because she wouldn't have a belly at such an early stage but I found it cute. She looked more beautiful than she already was. I always imagined what a wonderful mother she would be.

As we arrive home, the first thing I do is prepare a warm cup of tea. The woman I love sits on the bed, her gaze is somewhere out the window. I pack my little stuff in silence but take every chance to look at her. The bigger my bag gets the more hopeless I get. Crystal doesn't say anything. She said enough and I will accept it for now. The past me would've fought her words and argued about this sudden breakup but this woman taught me to stay calm and think of what to say before talking. It doesn't make sense to leave her but it's her wish.

I love this woman so much and to love someone also means being able to let go. That's what she said and I could argue that too but not now. Time will answer some questions and heal our hearts. All I can do is accept her wish and watch her from afar. Crystal looks so fragile and pale. She lost a few kilos. Her cheekbones show off more and the dark circles under her eyes are the result of her sleepless nights.

This scene is kind of familiar. Last time I couldn't tell my true feelings for Crystal and she ended our sex thingy. Thinking back, I was so dumb for not accepting the signs my heart gave me. I truly hurt this woman in so many ways but she still wanted me. This time it's different. I knew Crystal was a people-pleaser, she always wanted to do everything right and she was scared of disappointing people around her. Especially if it's a family member.

"Take care of yourself. Call me whenever you want. I'll be there." My voice cracks in the middle of each word. To think this could be my last words to her is eating me alive and I want to grab onto her shoulders and wake her up. I want her to tell me that she didn't mean what she said but the truth is, I know it's a goodbye. "I will miss you, my little panda."

I look around her small apartment and memories of the past months stream into my head. We had such a good time together here. The heavenly scent lingers in the air and this is something I'll miss the most. Her sweet vanilla fragrance is connected to home, for me. Crystal was my home, she was my anchor when I got too carried away. This place was full of love but now I have to leave this safe place for the sake of the woman I love.

As I grab the knob to open the door, I feel her arms around my waist. My heart beats in excitement at this action. I turn around to meet her eyes, those eyes that belong to the woman of my life. But it pains me even more when I see the sadness glistening in her chocolate irises. Crystal comes closer with her face and I meet her halfway before our lips connect in a loving kiss with a bittersweet taste. This isn't a kiss to hold me back. This sweet and sorrowful connection is our goodbye.

We don't say a word after the warmth is gone. I leave her tiny flat with my bag in my hands and watch her closing the door behind me. Till the last moment, we hold eye contact until the clicking sound disconnects us. The whole world stops spinning for a few seconds as I try to hold back my tears but when I hear a rustling sound behind the door, it wrecks me apart. Crystal is sitting against the closed door and is crying. Her soft sobs are audible and I wish I could hold her but I can't do anything from outside the door other than sit down on the floor and listen until she's done crying.

The whimpers and sniffing stop slowly after almost thirty minutes. She must be sitting quietly on the floor as I don't hear any movements or steps only her faint sobs are audible. I know she wanted this breakup but that doesn't mean she's not as devastated as I am. My legs push me to stand and for the last time I look at her white entry door, fingertips caressing the material as I whisper in a shaky voice,

"Goodbye, my lovely Panda."

an: please don't forget to vote⭐

I hope you enjoyed this chapter.
I usually am not too vocal when it's about my writing but there was a situation that hurt me.

Please write me a DM if you want to say anything about how to improve my style. I think I'm a person you can talk to very easily. I'm not perfect and I'm also not a professional but I love to write.

For all my readers who supported me from the beginning of Crystal's journey, thank you so much for your patience. I love you♥️