⚠️Warning, sensitive topics⚠️

Let go
BTS

"In order to release your hand right now
I gotta let you know that I need to let you go. Hard to say goodbye, But I can’t run. I’m ready to let go."

Nothing is left in this place hence I decided to fly back to the US. My parents didn't exchange a word with me or Crystal. Even though my girlfriend gave her best to talk to them, not with words but with her gestures. She prepared breakfast with my sister and helped to serve tea and coffee, as a daughter-in-law should do, in the old minds of Koreans. But they didn't even look at her or thank her for her hard work.

This is a picture I don't want to see ever again. It's awful and very disrespectful that they ignore the woman I love. Crystal will be the mother of my child who she's carrying in her belly. My reason for existing is not only for myself. Now I have much more to take care of and live for. It's a very lovely reason to keep going harder than before.

They didn't even say a proper goodbye when Crystal respectfully did with a low bow. Taeyeon and Namjoon drove us to the airport but they were silent on the way there. They dropped us with encouraging words such as 'Hang in there' and 'You got this, it'll be fine'. I want to believe them but my hope is low in that case. 

However, there is someone more important than anything right now, Crystal my Panda. I can't sulk in desperation when I'm needed. My woman will take my whole attention and I will gladly give it to her and our future baby. "How are you?" The sudden question shakes me up as I look at my girlfriend beside me.

"I'm good, why're you asking?" 

A smile appears on her face while her hands straighten the fabric of my pullover. There are times when I find it hard to read her and this is exactly one of them. The silence is so loud yet I have no clue what the reasons are. "Don't lie to me. It must be hard for you."

The sting in my heart cuts deeper now that she exposed me. Of course, it's not easy to accept their words but I also have my pride which includes the woman I chose. "Love, it's their problem, not ours. I love you and I'm choosing us." I caress her lower tummy, showing her it contains our baby as well. "You have my back and I won't run away!" 

"Good, just making sure you don't get cold feet."  Her cute giggles ease my heart. I was worried about her stressing too much. Stress is not good for the baby and I will try my best to protect her positive mind. Our destination is still an hour away but fortunately, Crystal doesn't feel nauseous anymore. Maybe she passed that phase of the pregnancy.

"I had a dream last night." My girlfriend looks at me with anticipation. I take her hand and intertwine our fingers. "We went to a park with thousands of flowers and our daughter, Haeun, ran after the butterflies_"

"Haeun? Have you already chosen a name? We don't know the gender yet." Crystal giggles in amusement while her warm lips collide with the palm of my hand. 

"Our baby will be a summer child that's why. Haeun also means summer in Korean. Don't you like it?" She shakes her head and beams one of her most beautiful dimple smiles. This woman is doing something amazing for my heart and it feels so great. I feel invincible as if I could do anything as long as she's next to me.

"I love it. I can't wait to see you being a loving daddy to our kids."

"Kids?" My brow creases at the word before I tease her, "You can't get enough of me. Is that what you wanted to point out?" The woman I love starts laughing while jokingly hitting my chest. "Don't worry, I'm always ready for you. 24/7, night and day_"

"Oh my god, stop." Crystal hides her face in the crook of my neck. Her giggles tickle the sensitive skin.

"Every hour, every minute, every second, doesn't matter if day or night, I'll be fucking you right_"

"Kim Taehyung!" My girlfriend hits my chest but this time a little harder than earlier. I laugh at her reaction and pull her closer to my side. Kissing the top of her head while her little punches take my breath away, feels just perfect. 

"Joke aside, kids sound great to me." Our eyes lock together. It's the way we always connect with a single look that tells how genuine and similar our thoughts are.

"I mean Haeun needs a little brother or sister. I always wanted a big family." And again she's feeding my jokester to tease her. She immediately notices my expression and yet again I get a slap on my chest. Crystal is too adorable and I like teasing her until she gets shy. It's so easy to make her blush but her laughter changes to a confused look.

She scrunches her brows together while her hands go to her stomach. Her breathing is unsteady as if she's breathless. Crystal arches her back to the front, resting her forehead on the top of her knees. "Love, are you okay?"  A cold shiver runs down my spine while my mind is filled with negative thoughts.

"Tae, it hurts." She grasps my hand for support and I lean forward to look at her. Crystal is crying. The pain is visible on her face. Yet alone her spoken words followed by her tiny whimpers give me the worst idea. A nightmare. "My belly hurts." Her final sentence confirms my worries and I feel like my soul is leaving my body. 

"Help, we need help!" My finger is restlessly pushing the button to call in a flight attendant. The desperate call for someone is louder than I intended but that doesn't matter. I'm in panic mode, scared for my unborn child's and Crystal's health. "Please, anyone?" The love of my life puffs air out of her mouth and inhales through her nose as she tries to breathe through the pain. "My girlfriend is pregnant!"

A flight attendant is quick to recognize our state and asks if a doctor is between the passengers through the microphone. The people around us are worried and their eyes are glued to Crystal who's crying in pain. Voices melding in our situation but I don't seem to understand them. Everything is muffled and the scene before my eyes is blurred. An elderly lady approaches us and I automatically stand up for her to take my place next to my girlfriend.

From the moment she laid her hands on my suffering woman till we landed twenty minutes later, I lost consciousness. Awake and eyes wide open but my whole being didn't function. People were chatting and tapping my back for comfort. The flight attendants were hurriedly walking from A to Z. One of them called the airport, informing them to get an ambulance ready, and another one was trying to talk to me but I didn't get a word out of me.

All I could focus on was how Crystal was suffering in pain. Embracing her stomach as if she had to protect our baby from the environment of bad influence. Her quiet little whimpers shoot a bullet through my heart. "My baby, safe my baby, please, safe my baby!" She repeated this sentence in a trance, over and over again, and every single time she begged for it, it tore me inside out. I wanted to hold her tightly and tell her 'It'll be okay' but my body was stiff, not able to move or react in any kind of way that I wanted to.

The plane landed, and no one was allowed to exit before the ambulance man took Crystal first. Another man guided me out and when we passed the seat where my girlfriend sat, that's when I lost my strength in my knees. It was stained with blood, a lot of blood. This must be a bad dream. It has to be a nightmare. Hours ago, the world was perfectly fine, us laughing and teasing each other as if nothing could beat us.

I want to wake up from whatever this is.

~•~

A beeping sound and the smell of disinfectant bring me back to life. The white ceiling welcomes me in a dimmed room. Sunlight is making an effort to shine through the thick grey curtains. I collect my mind, trying to brace myself for the recent situation. My body feels tired and shaky, it's the lack of nourishment. I haven't eaten in hours and probably jetlag is doing its magic as well.

Soft sniffing whimpers catch my attention. On another bed beside me is the love of my life. The back of her head is facing me yet I can picture her face clearly without looking. She's wearing one of the hospital gowns. Her elegant hand is covered with an IV and I spot the ankle of her arm, they took blood from her. Standing on my feet feels still weird but the will to be closer to Crystal is much bigger than the tiredness.

I reach for her chin and as I thought, she's been crying. The redness in her chocolate eyes mirrors the worries in her soul. My palms cup her face, cleaning the salty droplets away but her skin is covered with new tears. "Tae, I have a very bad feeling!" It's painful to hear her cracking voice. I have never seen her this devastated and it's hard for me to find the right words. 

"It's going to be okay, Love." Even if I don't believe my words, I hope for the best.

"No, it won't!" Crystal argues as she holds my wrists. "I just feel it." She shakes her head and more tears cover her puffy face. "I'm bleeding a lot. My body is in pain and even if it sounds weird, I feel empty." I let go of her, she's hiding her face in her palms. "I lost the baby, I'm sure." The words I was scared of, she just said them with so much sorrow that I could feel her desperation.

I sit beside her and take her in my arms. Our whimpers are the only sound besides the beeping tone coming from one of the machines in this room. We didn't get the results yet for the many tests they did on Crystal. "Even if it's so, don't blame yourself. You did nothing wrong." Knowing her, she will blame herself and overthink everything, I have to mention this to make sure she's not at fault.

A knock wakes us up from our state but seeing the doctor doesn't ease our minds. The woman in a white doctor's gown steps closer takes the chair beside the bed and sits down. Her face is serious, there's no trace of amusement and that's when I brace myself for the worst to come. I hold my fragile girlfriend tightly to my chest as if she could fall apart every second. The difference doctor inhales sharply while leaning forward to Crystal. She gently places her hand on my girlfriend's covered knees.

"Miss Miller, we got the results of all the examinations." The elderly woman speaks very slowly and her voice is soft. "The blood test didn't show the hormone hCG anymore, which is also called the pregnancy hormone, and the ultrasound_" She coughs quietly as I prepare for the moment she'd shatter our hearts. Crystal's head hangs low, her hands squeezing me hard. "We couldn't find a heartbeat from the embryo. Miss Miller, I'm sorry to say this but you had a miscarriage."

From the moment she informed us about the loss of our baby to the encouraging words she said, I blanked out once again. Crystal lost herself crying and I tried my best to stay strong yet tears escaped automatically from my eyes. I felt the emptiness my girlfriend told me about. Funny how a tiny living thing could grow on us so much in just a short period. 

The doctor told us that most of Crystal's placenta was out. Her body did it naturally and there was no reason for them to have surgery or give her medication. Painkiller was the only medication that she needed because of the contractions she had. Crystal was allowed to go home after two days and I made sure to stay at home with her. I called her workplace and talked to her boss, Seokjin. The man was very understanding, he didn't even ask why she was not coming. Seokjin told me to take care of her and report to him when she's feeling better.

I tried my best to get whatever she needed but Crystal wasn't very vocal. It must be harder for her to accept Mother Nature's decision to take our baby back and away from us. It's been over a week and she's still in a depressed mood but I don't want to pressure her to be happy. She has all the right to grief, that's why an idea came to my mind. 

Today is the first day she left the apartment. I want to appreciate the short time with our baby even though we never had the chance to meet. We're sitting on a bench in front of a lake while watching the sunset. It's beautiful but it doesn't reach my girlfriend. Crystal's stares are empty. They usually hold the sadness and pain of the loss but after a few days, they changed. No emotions.

"Love, I prepared something," I take a box with a candle and a copy of our first ultrasound picture. She notices the picture immediately but she doesn't react. I thought she would take the picture, and look at it but she didn't. "Today a week ago we lost our Haeun, and I thought we should send her off." The woman I love nods slowly and I take her hands to lead her to the lake. I light the candle and place it back in the box. "We will see you on the other side, please wait for us." My last words are spoken and the knot in my throat is choking me.

Crystal comes closer, she kisses her fingers, and places them on top of the picture. "Mommy loved you very much. I will always do." The tears appear in my eyes, this is the first time I see her loving site again after a week. We place the box in the water and watch it float away and catch fire. The box is burning and the ashes sink into the lake. We stand there for a while until I feel Crystal's hand holding mine.

Our eyes lock. I miss her, I feel lonely even though she's with me but I understand her as well. I'm grieving too but she had to go through the pain. "I love you, Taehyung." My heart aches at the words coming from her and somehow I feel dizzy.

"I love you more than anything." I kiss her cold lips and she kisses me with more passion. She holds me tight, her soft lips molding perfectly onto mine, and the warm feeling of her love fills me with happiness. Crystal disconnect our lips, her eyes watching me, and her sweet smile decorated her perfect face. But the words she's going to say aren't as sweet.

"Let's break up, Tae!"

an: please don't forget to vote⭐

Ok, I cried while writing this. Hope you felt the emotions. This was hard to write, honestly.