Beautiful scars
Maximilian

"That what is lost ain't gone
No, you can't just let go
'Cause it's a part of you that will make you strong
Embrace your flaws"

"Are you telling me you're pregnant?" My heartbeat is so fast but I don't know yet if it's out of excitement or shock. Probably a mix of both. Crystal shakes her head, she's trying to find words to say as her lips are moving but nothing comes out. "How did this happen?"

"Really?" The beautiful woman is looking at me with an eyebrow up, "This is what happens when two people have sex and we had a lot of it!"

"Damn, I know that but why right now?" The thought of being a father was always my dream but not this way. I wanted it to be classic. Marriage first, buying a house with a garden, and then children. "I don't think I'm  ready."

"Do you think I am ready?" Crystal stands up, this time she's the one running up and down. "Look at me, I have nothing to give. I can barely take care of myself. We're a mess, Taehyung."

"What do you mean, you have nothing?"

"Tae, I'm talking about money and my tiny apartment. My salary is just enough for me. How can I raise a child on my own?" Her voice is shaking and I know she's on the verge of crying but she's holding in.

"Don't worry about the money, I'm here too!" I try to catch her wrist but she's pulling away from me.

"Our relationship is a mess, Tae!" She's losing the fight against the tears as they're flowing down her soft cheeks. "I love you and believe me I would tolerate so much. I can endure a lot even if you hurt me with your last actions but with a child, it will be completely different. I have to protect that little soul and if we'd always fight like the last time, we will destroy each other." Her piercing eyes touch my soul. I never thought about what I'd done to her. Always looking into my situation first before considering hers.

Yet she's the complete opposite. Even understood my anger and made efforts to support me to calm down and control my wrath by hugging me although she could get hurt again. "I know, and I want to change that. Listen, I am sorry for what I did and said. This is not how I should have reacted to the news. Yes, I was pissed at the fact that Jimin and you had something but I know now who you love. I was blinded by my ego and pride."

"You know now?" Crystal scoffs when she crosses her arms in front of her chest, "Are you fucking kidding me, Taehyung?" Her voice gets louder as she approaches me. "All the times we had gone through? When I waited for weeks because you didn't react to any of my messages? I always gave you the chance to explain yourself and accepted you. And you want to tell me you know just now that I love you?"This woman is angry and now that she's telling me about all this I feel bad. "I made a mistake in your eyes and you immediately cut me off without listening to my explanation. And you know what, I don't need to explain myself, because it's the fucking past. It's not as if I cheated on you with Jimin, no, I didn't know you then!" She's on fire. Crystal takes a short break to breathe before she goes on. "But guess what, I still fucking explained myself, even felt bad and dirty for what I did because I care for you and felt sorry that I hurt you with this information. Because I love you for fucks sake!"

A hit on my chest shocks me. Her little fists collide with my hard muscle while her fiery eyes are burning me. "How should I show you, prove to you that I love you? Is it too much? Am I too much?" Anger changes to sadness when her gaze gets softer and watery.

"You're not too much, you're perfect." I grab her wrists and this time she allows me to touch her. My heart is aching at the way her lips are trembling but the words she's saying are like a sharp knife cutting into my skin.

"So why don't you show me that I am? Why do I feel I am not enough for you? It's as if you're searching for hundreds of reasons to not be with me and on the other hand, I have thousands of reasons to leave but I'm always searching for one reason to stay with you." The cracking voice makes it hard to hear every word clearly but nevertheless, I  understand everything. "Tell me to stop chasing after you, so I can put an end to this! Loving you is hard but I'd still want your everything."

"Stop chasing after me!" As soon as I say these words, it's like her whole body succumbs and falls to my feet. I hold her from falling too hard and carry her to the bedroom. I can't imagine how stressful it must have been for her. The whole week she was waiting for her period plus dealing with our fight. Hanging in the air is something I hate and I let her go through this feeling a lot of times.

This woman is right, she could have sent me to the desert a long time ago but she returned whenever I needed her. She was always open with her feelings toward me but something was on my way. Something stopped me from feeling free. I thought I could handle it and hide the fact but she's too smart and felt it immediately. Now it's my turn.

"Thank you." She whispers.

"For what?"

"For telling me to stop." She starts tearing up again but she's fighting it.

"You told me to."

"Yeah, so this is how we end, huh?"

"Huh?" I can't follow up with her. "Who said this is the end?"

"You told me to stop chasing after you_"

"Yeah, because you told me to," Her eyes doubled in size, and disbelief. She opens her mouth but before she can say anything I speak up, "And, it's my turn to chase after you. I love you and I will start to be true to myself by stopping to hide us."

"You don't need to chase after me." The warmth of her palms on my face relaxes my body and I lean into her touch. "Let's walk together from now on. Step by step. No hiding anymore." Her soft lips claim mine and my breathing stops for a moment as I save this memory deep in my heart. Crystal, again, is the one who's solving the situation with her kindness.

"I don't deserve you," I say between the loving kisses.

"We deserve each other. You just have to accept it. Don't fight it." How does she always find the right words? She's able to make me feel bad and show me where my place is without hurting or disrespecting me. These are traits I should learn from her. "I'll take a test tomorrow. I read it's better to test with the morning pee."

I nod, agreeing with her although I have no idea what she's talking about. And of course, she notices, "Tae, I'm talking about the pregnancy test!" Crystal starts laughing when I finally get what she meant. "There is something else I need to tell you about. I don't want any secrets between us and I think this is something you should know before diving deeper into my life."

~•~

The morning sun is peeking between the curtains and waking me up from my precious sleep. My first sight is the woman I love, still sleeping next to me. Her breathing is peaceful and slow. I missed this sight. Crystal is someone who brings so much peace to me and I wish I could be the same for her.

I can't believe how much this woman has been going through and yet is still this positive. When she told me the story about her father I couldn't believe what I was listening to. My blood was boiling and anger arose at the things he had done to her. But Crystal doesn't even resent him. I would've cut every tie and disappeared from his life yet she doesn't want her siblings to ask questions about why she would go. Because then she has to tell them about the disgusting things their father has done to their eldest sister.

That's why she kept it a secret and locked it deep inside the darkest place. I had to hold my tears because of her story. First, her mother, who didn't want her, then her adoptive father, who assaulted her, the stepfather who kicked her out, next her ex-boyfriend, and her best friend betraying her; isn't that too much for a little soul? I wonder how she's still standing on her feet.

All these were reasons to give up on love because she was never truly loved by the people she wanted except her siblings. She told me how tight their bond is, especially with her sister, Michelle. That's why she can't break their heart by telling the truth about their biological father.

Aside from all that, she has so much love to give and I wonder what she might see in me that she's staying with me. I always knew there was something behind her sad eyes but I would have never guessed something traumatic. And probably that's why she had caught my attention from the very beginning. As someone who's craving respect and appreciation for who I am, I understand her strength and the will to prove to everyone that she's worthy to be loved.

Crystal shifts in place and scratches her nose with her fist, like a cat. "You're up?" I love listening to her morning voice and examining her cute puffy lips after waking up. She extends her arms around my neck as I pull her closer to my body. "Good morning, handsome."

"Good morning, my lovely panda." She giggles at the nickname I gave her after the first time I saw her wearing a nightie with a panda on it. I remember the day as if it was yesterday. Today could be one of those days that could change our future. Thinking about it makes me suddenly nervous.

"You okay?" Crystal whispers softly.

"I'm scared, to be honest." We promised to be honest with each other but saying this feels as if I'm a coward. She snuggles closer to my neck and places little kisses on my skin.

"Me too." A little glimpse and a smile on her lips is what she's gifting me before she stands up. Crystal is walking to the bathroom and my heart is almost bursting out of my chest when she locks the door. So many thoughts are rushing through my mind yet I can't focus on one specific topic.

The faces of my family appear, especially my mom's. How should I tell them? I know they won't be happy about it but if the test comes out positive I for sure will be there for the baby and Crystal. When I hear the door opening I jump up and walk toward the woman I adore. She's holding the test in her hands, her face is pale and her eyes are teary.

"Crissy, no matter what the result will be, I promise, you have my back." I take her into my embrace since she's shaking. "I want you to meet my parents in Seoul." Her eyes are big at my announcement.

"You mean if it's positive, right?"

"No, I want them to know whom I love and continue to live with in the future. I want this official without hiding from other Koreans in my neighborhood. You should also be able to visit my apartment or even better, move in. No matter the result, you belong to me." Crystal is again on the verge of crying but this time their happy tears.

I thought about this for a while and I think this is a good start for our relationship. She deserves to be appreciated and hiding her just because I'm scared, rumors would reach my parents, won't take us anywhere. It's better if they hear it from me and not from other people.

The sound of her alarm echoes in the room and we hold our breath. We look at each other and she's as nervous as I am. My love takes the test from the table and takes a deep breath before turning the gadget around to see the result. Her eyes are staring at the blue lines and I'm confused. I don't know what those lines mean. "Love, what is it?"

Crystal is looking at me and shows me the pregnancy test, "Tae, one line means negative, not pregnant, and two lines mean positive, pregnant!" The information is simple and I study the gadget in her hands. Now I get wobbly knees at the sight of two blue lines glowing up.

"You're pregnant!"

an: please don't forget to vote⭐

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