Admit
Eric Nam

"When the storm rolled out
And the rain came down
Swore you'd be a face I'd forget
But I can't unsee it
And now I need ya
More than I'd like to admit."

A few days, to be exact, almost a week have passed since I saw Crystal. I left her in front of the gate and it was the worst feeling I've ever had. My whole body wanted to turn around and take her into my arms, I would've whispered "It's going to be okay" in her ears, but my mind wanted distance. As much as I wanted her as much I couldn't bear the anger inside me. In that state, I could have done anything, which I'd definitely regret after. 

Work has been a pain in the ass. If I could, I would stay at home. But my home reminds me of her. Although she wasn't as often at my place as I was at hers. My whole bedroom smells like her, the sweet fragrance of vanilla and her body scent sticks to every inch of my sheets. Even my clothes remind me of her since she washed them all for me with the softener I grew to love because she likes it so much.

Staying home isn't an option. I already struggle every night to get her out of my mind. Same shit tonight, I'm alone, sitting in front of the TV and my mind is full of Crystal. I swore to myself to forget about her. She slept with my best friend and it's not adding up in my brain. How weird would it be if I took her on another occasion and she met Jimin? 

I can't imagine that. The thing is, what would anyone else say if they find out that my girlfriend hooked up with my best friend? They would react weirdly and point their fingers at Crystal and me. Questions like "How can you live with that, I would never approve of that." This sucks.

Thankfully, all of my negative thoughts are interrupted by the sound of a knocking on my door. It's the same person who has visited me every day since the incident. Jimin is stubborn as always, and even though I said I didn't want to see or talk to him he'd come anyway. He talked most of the time but there were also days we didn't share a word. Jimin would just sit beside me until it was too late for him and that's when he eventually left.

Like the other days, he bought something to eat. That's the first thing I notice when I open the door. Jimin steps directly to the living room and sets the food on the coffee table. "Come on Taehyungie, eat with me." I sit in front of him and watch him quietly enjoying the meal. The fury against Jimin faded quickly but it was different with Crystal.

I felt betrayed and it hurts me. Of course, I'm aware she had other men before me but the fact it's Jimin is like a thorn that sticks to my skin. "I'm not hungry!" 

"Stop sulking. You know you could change your situation." It's probably the hundredth time he says this sentence. "Just call her already and talk to her like a man, a mature man. She deserves it and I bet she's waiting for your lazy ass to finally reach out to her."

"If that's so, she could've called me_"

"Stop talking nonsense. You are the one who left her in front of the entrance because your childish and dumb ego couldn't make a proper conversation." Jimin starts hitting me with his wet chopsticks while I try to shield myself from his attacks. "I thought you loved her?"

His words echo in my ears on repeat. He's right, I love Crystal but is it enough to overcome my pride which is stopping me? "I do still love her but it's complicated. My mind is fucking me. I miss her but at the same moment, I can't look at her because all I see is…you!"

"Are you a teenager? Fuck. Tae, I told you it didn't mean anything so why are you still thinking about that? It would be different if I had a relationship with her but we hadn't. Put a fucking end to this topic." My best friend is ruffling through his blond hair in frustration. "You're running in a circle. Stop your childish behavior or else you're going to lose her, forever. Remember the day you drove from my residence away with Crystal?" Jimin's eyebrows create wrinkles between his eyes while his stern gaze shoots daggers at me.

I nod my head in response, not understanding where he is going with his question. He elaborates, "Seokjin followed you. He left the second you two drove away. Jennie was surprised when she got the call from her cousin. Jin said to her that she should drive with Kai then." The air in my lungs feels heavy all of a sudden. Just the thought of them being together makes me want to throw up. I would be jealous of any man at this point.

"And you're telling me this just now?" I scoff back at the blond man.

"Well, at least I told you. Taehyungie, I don't want you to regret something and I know you feel betrayed but she did nothing wrong. Man, Crystal loves you, believe me." A light clasp to my shoulder is the reason I look back at him. Jimin's confidence shrinks momentarily as soon our eyes meet.

"How are you so sure about that?" 

"I_I just saw your chemistry and_" My best friend stutters while searching for his words.

"Jimin, say the fucking truth!" The way his gaze shifts away from me tells me there is more. Is there another secret they're hiding?

He inhales sharply. Every muscle in his upper body stiffens but when his eyes meet mine again he loosens up with a final exhale.

"Listen to me before you say something, okay?" 

"Spill now!" My inpatient is not helping to cool the situation so isn't Jimin.

"Okay. I probably deserved all your punches, that's why I didn't fight back, then. I have feelings for Crystal!"

"You WHAT?" I shift in my position. My whole body is filled with adrenaline, ready to fight again but the gentle touch of my best friend calms me down a little.

"Please, let me explain first." Out of the group, he was always the one with the cool head. "I did an asshole move on her, that's why she rejected me. After that, I couldn't get her out of my mind no matter how many women I slept with. Crystal grew into someone special to me, although I couldn't explain it to myself. We just had one night but she woke something in me that wanted to protect her for some reason. It was eating me up because I treated her badly and one night I was drunk. I went to her place and apologized for my behavior."

Every fiber in my body stiffens as he said the last sentence. The thought of him being in her apartment, alone, makes my head spin. But he's not done talking. "To be honest, I thought she would let me in but she didn't. She accepted my apologies but closed the door in front of my face. I was frustrated but that's when I realized my feelings for her." I'm kinda proud of Crystal at this moment.

Jimin combs his fingers through his hair as he speaks further, "However, I had this new customer who had his office in the mall where Crystal is working. By coincidence, I met her there and we ate every day together as I insisted. She told me that she broke up with someone she couldn't forget and things added up slowly. Kook told me about you and Crystal but I didn't care. I was confident she would forget about you but the longer I was with her the more defeated I got. The woman was smiling and seemed very happy but in reality, she was sad. Her eyes couldn't hide her feelings for you. So I asked her out on a date. It didn't end well, I confessed my feelings but she rejected me again, the third time, because she had only one man on her mind. You. It's always been you Taehyung!"

I gulp the lump in my throat that stuck there since he started confessing his feelings for my woman. The Park Jimin, who thought women are just good for pleasure , catches romantic feelings. Listening to him was hard but it kind of eased my heart. Hearing how she always rejected him because she thought of me, makes my heart flutter in an unhealthy but very satisfying way. Now it hurts even more that I left her all alone without an explanation.

"I need a drink!" The air in this room is too heavy. I need to go out and clear my mind.

"Tae, it's 1am!" Jimin informs me, but I have already left the apartment. Shortly after I hear his steps following me.

~•~

Music blasting from every corner. People dance wildly to the beat, their hands are up as if they want to touch the ceiling. Chatters and screaming are muffled by the volume of the music. Everyone seems to enjoy the party in the nightclub but me. Empty glasses decorate the bar table and a whining Jimin next to me. My head is spinning when the alcohol hits my body.

A woman is pressing her breasts against my arm. Her perfume is too strong for my taste. I like softer fragrances. The ones that are present but not hitting the nerves in my nose. The unfamiliar woman gets an unbothered look from me. She, however, acts as if she bumps accidently against me. Her big eyes are looking innocently at me.

She's probably the fifth woman who's trying to hit on me and all of them were pretending as if they are shy and pure. Is that a new thing? I didn't give them my attention and I do the same with this flirty woman. Like the other before her, she also leaves when I don't react to her. Even Jimin isn't in the mood.

My mind is filled with only one woman, Crystal. Mein Panda. My love. I catch myself comparing the women to her. And none of them were close to Crystal. How could they? She's one in a million to me but I don't want to accept this. I'm still searching for a reason not to be with her but it's hard to find a single one. Even the fact that she slept with Jimin has almost vanished. It's not bothering me as much as it did yesterday.

So why am I still holding back? Why can't I run to her and apologize for what I said and did? When all I want is to hold her in my arms. I miss her smell, her gentle touch, her lips that taste like strawberries because of her lip balm, her voice and the conversation. My whole body and soul is aching for her presence. The salty droplets wet my cheeks while my mind doesn't get tired of thinking about Crystal.

"Fuck, I miss her so badly." Jimin listens to my confession and massages my back with his open palm, up and down. I hide my face with my hands.

"Do you want to see her?"

an: please don't forget to vote ⭐

This is a little filler but still important to the storyline.
What do you think?