Keshi
Less of you

"Hello
Are you awake right now?
God, I just need to hear the sound of you
Please, calm me down.
And I know that it's selfish, but
You are the only thing that's
Ever made sense to me."

"Taehyung, it's important you get this done today! Time is running out and your team didn't finish the montage of the solar panels." My boss scolds me while walking back and forth. "What's wrong with you? You worked fast and the results are flawless, usually, but it seems like you're not the Kim Taehyung, I used to know." He's right, I'm not the same person I was two weeks ago. 

"I get this done, don't worry." My answer is cold but I don't care. I leave the office and enter the car. Nothing lifts my mood. I'm in pain, my heart is aching. I miss her so much that I can't function properly throughout my days. The last time we met didn't end well. She deleted my number in front of me. It broke me but it's all my fault. My mind is fighting against my heart. I didn't expect it'll hit me this bad. 

The messages we shared are my lullaby at night. I couldn't delete her number. Although it'll be the best decision, for Crystal and me. Why am I thinking of her all the time? It's driving me crazy. I can't remember I was this lonely before I met her. Sure, there were nights when I missed Jennie but that was all before Crystal. I was perfectly fine by myself but why does it feel like I was not?

'Come on, take a hold of yourself, it's better this way. Let her go!' I chant this a few times whenever my mind is overwhelmed by thoughts of her. I need to focus on my projects and get my work finally done. It's in the middle of November, and the weather is so cold that everything is covered in ice. Not a good time to hop on the rooftop but what possibility do I have? It needs to be done.

"Hobi, I'll go up there," I tell my friend who is preparing the equipment.

"Thanks, bro!" He says with a smiling face. Hoseok doesn't like heights and is afraid whenever we have to do this kind of job. That's why I climb the rooftops, I'm not scared. I love the sight up there. It's peaceful and the scenery of Manhattan looks beautiful. "Lunch is on me today, Tae."

"Oh yeah, I'll choose something extraordinary, then."

"If that makes you happy, please do." Even though he doesn't know what happened, he always figures out when I'm not ok. Hoseok is the person I am with the most because of work but as a friend as well. After Jimin, he is the one I talk to the most. Hobi is a good listener and his words are wise. I take a lot of advice from him and appreciate them.

"I'll be fine." A squeezed smile appears on my face. I don't want to worry him about anything, it already ended so why bother him with the ashes of my mess?

 "Be careful, Tae. It's slippery and cold out there. I will secure you from here by holding the ropes tight onto me!" Hoseok says in a worried manner. He's always nervous when we work in a high building. This one isn't that giant but it's still 5 meters from the foundation. The cold air hits me when I step outside, standing on the rooftop of this house. Hobi is right, the tiles are slippery. I have to be careful and concentrate on the solar panel's montage. We need to end this today.

Everything is tougher than usual. The weather is foggy, I can't see the ground below and it starts snowing. My friend is pulling on the ropes to inform me, he has something to say. "Taehyungie, it's too dangerous to continue. It's too windy and it's snowing very badly. Come inside!"

"Just a moment, Hobi. I'm almost done. I just need to connect the tubes." I say when I walk to the other side of the rooftop. My steps are well-chosen and calculated but I make a mistake. I forget to inform Hoseok to loosen the ropes to give me space to move. His outcry is so loud that I realize just now that I'm slipping away. I try to hold on to the edge of the tiles but they're too slippery and I'm too heavy. The tiles are breaking and I'm falling.

All of my memories rush in front of me and everything is fast yet it feels like I'm moving in slow motion. Hobi is screaming out of the window with tears and fear in his eyes. The wind is dragging me down and the last picture I get is Crystal's sad eyes filled with tears and puffy from holding back. Before everything goes black I pray to god.

And I lose consciousness.

~•~ 

"Tae, Taehyungie, Kim Taehyung!" This lovely voice is familiar. It's my sister Taeyeon. She's calling me and I try to open my eyes but it's hard to keep them focused. "Oh God, Hoseok, call a doctor. He's waking up." I hear steps coming closer and voices I never heard before. Hands are all over my body and a bright light is annoyingly glowing into my eyes by someone with very cold hands.

"Sir, can you hear me? Are you able to talk?" A man asks. Is he talking to me? I try to voice out that I can hear him and he should fucking stop blazing with his flashlight into my eyes. But all I can do is groan. "That's perfectly enough. Do you feel any pain?" Yes, my eyes hurt because of you! But I feel a sting in my right arm and knee. I point carefully to the parts that are hurting me. "Ok, please hang another bag of painkillers on, it's faster through IVF. Mr. Kim, you'll feel better soon. We gave you another pack of painkillers. You need a lot of rest right now!"

What happened? My head hurts so much when I try to recall the memories. All I remember is the picture of her sad eyes filled with droplets, looking at me in disbelief. What have I done? I made her cry because I wanted to protect her but why does it feel wrong when I think it's the right decision? My pain is vanishing and I finally open my eyes, able to see with clear sight. I'm in a hospital. Taeyeon's irises are on me while sitting beside me on a chair. Her eyes are teary and her cheeks tell that she already cried. She must have been so worried about me.

My sister feels responsible for me because I'm younger but she needs to learn that she can't control everything that I do. I'm an adult who makes my own decisions. "Don't cry, please. The baby in your belly will be sad if you're sad." 

"That's easier for you to say. Damn it Tae. You almost died!" More tears are streaming down her face. "You slept for three whole days. I thought you would never ever wake up again. Do you know how scared I was? Luckily, you only have a contusion on your right arm and your knee. You fell from the fucking rooftop, you could've broken all your bones, or even worse, you could have died." My sister combs softly through my hair. She always did that when I was still little. 

"You see, I'm alive. I'm stronger than you think, don't worry." Even though I'm in pain, I don't want to worry her. My sister is pregnant and stress is not good for her and the unborn baby. "Where is Hobi?" I still remember my friend's shocked face.

"He went outside earlier but I think he'll be back soon. Hoseok always came to visit you after work. He's such a good friend." Taeyeon says gently. She knows all of my friends because I was with them every day and she had the 'luck' to hear us scream and laugh while we played video games in my room. Her favorites were always Jimin and Hoseok. "By the way, TaeTae, do you have a girlfriend?" This question takes me by surprise.

"Why do you ask? You never asked me anything like this." 

"I'm just asking because you said a name over and over again while you were sleeping." Her eyes are on me and I don't like the way she looks. Taeyeon didn't like Jennie at all. They fought a lot and they never got along well. My sister is a tough character and not everyone can handle her temper. I am her decalcomania in many ways.

"Oh, don't tell me, I called her name. You know she was an important piece in my past. I can't control what I'm doing in my sleep." The way her face suddenly changes from teasing to almost a vomiting grimace in just a second makes me laugh at her. "You still don't like Jennie, right?"

"No, I don't and never will!" The pregnant woman's brows furrow in disgust. "But it was not Jennie you called." Another change in her face occurs and I get nervous at the fact that I called someone's name and anybody who came into my room was able to hear it. Who knows what I did?

"Who did I call then?" I try to find a person who's important enough to be called in my sleep but there's none. A woman? I don't have that many in mind, well zero to be honest. Unless it's her…

"Crystal, you called, Crystal!" A smile appears on my sister's face while I'm perplexed. Crissy is already so deep in my system that I can't even deny Taeyeon's information. "I'm sorry, Crystal. That's what you were saying on repeat." This is bad, very bad. I didn't realize how special she is to me. There is no future but I'm still holding onto her. This is just pathetic and weak. Good thing, she deleted me. "Well, I called her this morning."

"You did WHAT?" This can't be, she's kidding, right?

"Taehyung, listen, you were knocked out for three fucking days! I would've even called Jennie if that means it woke you up. Don't give me that gaze, I'm your oldest sister." 

"Ok, I understand that. But she won't come. You gave your hope to the wrong person." In fact, why would my Panda come? We are nothing.

A knock on the door makes my heart race but it drops normally at the person who enters the room. It's my friend Hoseok.

"Taehyung you're awake?" His eyes are filled with appreciation, he takes me in a warm hug yet very carefully. "You should have listened to me. But thank God you're fine." 

"I'm as hard as a rock!" I tap his back gently. Hobi is a person who blames himself first although it's not his fault.

"There is someone for you." My friend's eyes focus on the door with a smile on his lips. This time it feels like my heart stops beating when the person enters my room. Out of all people, I know, this person would be the least I thought of.

"Tae, are you alright?"

🌸🐼💋