It's 3 am, and I'm still awake. Insomnia is kicking me hard. Not only tonight, but the last two weeks. I've been sleepless, the lack of rest makes my days longer and my struggles harder. If that wasn’t enough, there’s one other, bigger thing that has been eating me from the inside out, stopping me from functioning properly - I miss Yoongi.

Staying in our apartment alone is weird and whenever I return to my once safe haven all the memories of us replay in my mind over and over again. This tiny place holds countless treasures, big and small, each filled with love, laughter, and of course the occasional teasing. It filled my world with color, erasing the black that once engulfed my life. We were so happy and perfect.

And then came the time when we slowly fell apart. The gap between us gradually became bigger and bigger, and without knowing, I drowned myself in the deep abyss of our broken relationship. Just like once before, everything is dark, cold, the light non-existing in this world of bitterness as I still lay in between shattered pieces of my heart, and my soul is slowly fading away.

I can't anymore. How am I supposed to live without him? Should I go back to him? No! For fuck’s sake, Crystal, don’t be stupid! He doesn't deserve me. No matter how big my love still is, I don't want a relationship knowing I'm not enough. 

I want to be enough… No, I want to be more than enough. I want to be the one and only woman in someone's life.

But his pull is strong, as Yoongi's scent is everywhere. Wherever I go, bits and pieces of him still linger on my every step. His stuff in the bathroom, the shirt he left on the chair he sat on before leaving, the living room drowned in his perfume. But the worst of all, our bedroom. Being there alone, staring at the empty place, is a new type of pain I haven’t felt before.

Empty, that's how I feel. In one night, I lost two of the most important people in my life. Never in my life would I have thought that Mary, of all people, would betray me the way she did. Her betrayal cut me so deep that the only thing I feel is loneliness.

She was my best friend. She was supposed to be the one to comfort and hug me in this misery; the one to tell me it was better this way; the one to stay with me until I was finally able to smile again. 

Mary had been my best friend since my teenage years. We grew up together and did so many things that whenever I recall the memories, a huge smile stretches across my features. But now, the only things that appear are tears and a heavy feeling weighing on my heart. Now, whenever I think of her, I feel cold, numb. 

I remember drinking my first beer with her. I recall it being the most disgusting thing I ever tasted, and we poured it down the toilet as we hid from her parents in the bathroom, scared to get caught. The first cigarette was even worse. To say it almost killed me would be an understatement because we coughed our lungs out as if there's no tomorrow. At that time, I thought I'd choke on the spot and die.

It’s safe to say that was the first and last time I touched a cigarette.

Mary and I were always stark opposites of each other. She started dating early in high school and was popular among the other sex. She was aware of the effect she had on the boys, and to be honest, she loved it. Me, on the other hand, my shy and inconspicuous appearance self liked to stay in the background. 

Not being in the center of attention or any drama whatsoever was my ultimate goal. I was also the one running with tissues and a box of chocolates whenever my friends' heart got broken, which, considering her nature, wasn’t a rare occasion.

It’s sad that these precious memories, this unique and beautiful relationship, ended with so much pain and heartbreak. I'd lie if I say I don't miss her. I do, very much, actually... but this friendship has met its end.

What she did is something I simply can't forgive. That idiot... if only she didn’t defend him the way she did, or if she only had the courage to confess to me earlier, then maybe, just maybe I wouldn't feel as betrayed as I am.

The mere fact that she didn’t care about my feelings whatsoever broke me more than I thought imaginable, and there isn’t anything she could possibly do or say that could ever mend the bond she has broken. She was my best friend, I trusted her, and she betrayed me. End of story.

The small hallway is packed with boxes as the whole apartment is stripped from my belongings. I'm currently searching for a new place where I can start this unknown future because staying here is not an option.

Everything, from the shoe cabinet we bought when we moved in, to the messy stain in the kitchen that we never figured out where it came from; everything around me reminds me of my first love, Min Yoongi.

Even though he offered to move out, I can't stay here. Not when everything is screaming Yoongi. Too much happened here, and I need a new start. A start where only Crystal exists. The future I am not ready nor prepared for. 

But until then, I'm stuck in this apartment. To be completely honest, I'm glad Yoongi agreed to stay with Kai because us being together in one place, or even seeing each other after what happened, would not be a good idea.

Two years...two fucking years… I can’t say I regret it, but it hurts to know that I saw my future with this man. And it’s sad that I still do. What’s even more tragic is that I can't imagine myself being with someone else than him.
It feels strange, foreign, unsecure.

What if… What if I never find someone else? What if I end up completely alone forever? I mean, am I asking for too much...? Is wanting a person who will love me unconditionally the way I do them something unreachable for me…?

Yoongi is right. I show my love through affection and by making love, and when I love someone I will turn the world upside down if that means making them happy. But… am I being too much? Should I try to be like Yoongi? Sex without feelings... Simply enjoying sex and having fun without responsibility or attachments… Who knows, maybe I'll try it and discover a kinky side of myself in the process.

I fill myself a steaming hot cup of coffee and let the aroma engulf my senses before I go back to the bedroom. Out of all the things and all the rooms, this is my hardest hurdle. Well, it’s not like I’m going to bed anytime soon, so why not face the music right now. I wanted to do this later, but since I’m here, it’s now or never.

It's difficult to decide if I should take Yoongi's presents with me or not. They hold countless memories, each sweeter than the other, but holding his favorite sweatshirt, I realize that those once sweet memories leave a bitter taste in my mouth; one I don’t wish to take with me.

A smile makes its way across my features as I remember our first date. He wore this white sweatshirt and remembered loving it at first sight. We would fight over whose turn it was to wear it, to the point where we even took weekly turns. It’s sufficient to say that I would steal it away every moment I could, and in the end he gave it to me as a present on our 100th day anniversary.

It smells of him. Yoongi must have worn this a lot, as the scent was so strong it never went away, even after washing it. That’s also one of the reasons I absolutely loved it. I loved smelling him on me wherever I would wear it.

Whenever Yoongi would be away, I would snuggle myself into its softness and let his scent hug my whole being while I would fall asleep imagining it was him holding me, and not some synthetic fabric.

Now, he gets it back. I need a clean start, so I place the hoodie carefully back and take the memories with me, as those are enough. I will probably never get rid of them, and that's ok. They taught me an important lesson, and I don't need material things to be reminded of them; or him, for that matter.

A heavy sigh escapes me for the hundredth time because… I miss him so much. We haven't talked since the day we broke up, and I can’t help but wonder how he is, or what he’s doing. Against my better judgment I stalked him on social media numerous times, and although he was active many times, but I couldn't encourage myself to send him a message, or even call him. How would he react?

Social media is toxic, and most of the time instead of flinging that phone away from myself, I go through his friends list and almost go ballistic every freaking time. The list is full of beautiful girls, most of them complete opposites of me. These girls are all thin, white, and blond with beautiful colored eyes, and I'm chubby with dark black hair and an Asian. It makes me wonder what he ever saw in me, since I was obviously never his type.

Maybe I should lose some weight, although I already have, three kilos at least. For the past two weeks, food did not look as appealing as it used to. My mind was too consumed with pain and grief for my lost love to the point where meat and kimchi lost all it’s only heavenly flavors.

I lay my body on the soft mattress and face the side which once belonged to Yoongi. It's so empty and cold. Even though he’s not here, I can still see his eyes holding mine; his sweet little gummy smile giving me butterflies; the warmth of his body holding me close to warm me up. I chuckle softly because I was always warmer than him, and he actually did it to warm himself up. Nevertheless, I loved it.

The chuckle slowly turns into sob because I fucking miss him beside me. I tried to resist, but the tears eventually stream out. Unabashed, I let them flow. It’s not like anyone can see me. I'm alone, and no one is allowed to judge me for missing the man I still love, even though he betrayed me multiple times and even cheated on me with my best friend. I know it’s ridiculous, but still, I am here, missing him, craving for his warmth and touch. 

I want Min Yoongi.

My mobile phone chimes, a message blinking its presence. Reluctantly, I open it, only for my heart to short-circuit. Although my tears make it hard to see, my eyes read the text over and over again until it’s imprinted in my mind. The message is short but impactful as it becomes painfully clear to me that my agony is shared by the man that has broken me to pieces and forever lost his right to enter my heart.

Yet here he is, thinking about me, the way I am thinking about him. 

"I miss you, Crys!" 

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