I'm not fine.

My blood is boiling, the same scene playing in my head over and over again. I act like everything is ok, giving it my all to stay composed and quiet, when in fact I just want to fall apart. 

There is so much I want to tell him, right here, right now, but this time it won't be words of love and affection. No, this time will be different; it needs to be different. I need to be strong and composed, ask him everything that’s even remotely torturing my mind. And this time I won't let him touch me in any kind of way. 

He'll try to manipulate me again, I know that. I have to be cautious if I want the whole truth. Maybe Samantha lied to me, but she could also be right. Whether she is telling the truth or not, I will be sure to find out as soon as I'm at home together with the man I currently want to kick in the balls, Yoongi.

But… What if the woman beside me is telling the truth... What am I going to do? 

A tornado of emotions torments my body, and it takes all my willpower not to lose my act and explode right here and now. Calm down, Crystal, you can do this. Breathe, push the burning anger aside, and stay focused. Just a little more.

If not for me, I have to keep my cool for Yoongi's parents. They have nothing to do with the inevitable mess their son has caused. They don't deserve a huge scene where I yell and accuse their precious firstborn child, in their own restaurant, for cheating on me.

Just wait until we're home!

~•~

The car drive to our apartment is quiet. It's the silence before the hurricane. Samantha sits on the back seat, soundless and cool. Her act is fabulous, no one would ever think that she could be the one who put a loaded gun into my hand.

She is the one that started this Russian roulette, and without a second thought, I will click the weapon until I tug the right case and fire the only bullet in my gun.

Yoongi, of course, suspects nothing, and simply wishes his beautiful friend a good night. Usually, Samantha and I never touch each other, but today is different. She approaches me and holds me in soft embraces. It’s a silent one, but I know what she meant to say. 

It's encouragement. A warm feeling dances in my chest, but my mind doesn’t let me enjoy it. Why is it that I believed her words? What if I’m wrong, and she wants to end my relationship?

For God’s sake, stop questioning yourself, Crystal!

We finally arrive, and our tiny apartment feels just like my inside; empty and cold. Yoongi places the keys on top of the cupboard, the same spot he always does, before he strides to his destination, our bedroom.

I watch his back, my mind already blank. Too much is going on in my unstable self as I struggle to figure out how to start the conversation. I think the best first step will be to follow him and see where this takes me.

"It was great to see my parents and bro today. I missed them," the man changes his tight clothes into big jogger pants and a long sleeve shirt, "Dad even taught me how to cook some basic Korean dishes. What do you say, I cook us dinner tomorrow, and you tell me what you think, ok?"

His tone is a relaxed one, but is met with silence. Yoongi turns to me when he doesn't hear an answer. "Babe, you hear me?"

Again, I don't respond. 

"Crys, are you ok?" The handsome man's brows wrinkle in worry when he walks to me, "Why are you looking at me like that? Is everything-" 

His hand wants to caress my face, but I refuse and step back, leaving the touch hanging mid-air. Our eyes meet, his expression confused, which makes my blood boil even more.

"Crys?"

"How often did you cheat on me, Yoongi?" I try to stay as calm as possible.

"Why are you asking me this now? We talked about this-"

"Answer the question! And for fuck’s sake, I want the truth!"  My voice raises. The man in front of me shakes his head in disbelief.

"I told you the truth! How often do I have to tell you how sorry I am and that I regret it? It was one fucking mistake!" Yoongi brushes through his hair, he always does that when he's uncomfortable. "What do I have to do to be forgiven?"

There it is again, the same lie.

"Yoongi, I'll give you one last chance to tell me everything! And by everything, I do mean, everything!"  Seeing the man I still love breathing heavily is painful, but I need the truth.

"Crys, I told you. Once. I did it once! Please believe me." His body walks towards me again, he tries to touch me again, but I step away from him. I can't be weak now.

"Samantha said you did it multiple times and-"

"Sammy? And you trust her? Since when?" With every question, he comes closer and I step further back. 

"Would you let me speak? I'm not done talking and asking questions!" I inhale an amount of air to gather my strength. "She said you cheated on me multiple times, and she knows about everything. She also told me that she doesn't like what you did or still do!"

Yoongi's head falls back when he desperately sighs, his hands still in his  soft and fluffy black hair that I loved to smell and brush whenever we would lay next to each other.

Our eyes meet again, a lonely tear rests on the corner of his almond eyes and I feel my heart aching.

"Babe, I don't know why she lied to you, but I didn't cheat multiple times. I'm telling you the truth." Yoongi sits on the edge of our bed, defeated and helpless.

His body hangs down the same way his head does. All muscles lost their strength to hold the man I love up. "I never thought Sammy would betray me like this," Yoongi mumbles silently.

"Why would she lie to me?” by now I’m shaking uncontrollably, not able to hold myself anymore, “Yoongi, nothing makes any sense anymore! Please, you need to understand that after what you did, I doubt everything you say or do, and I can’t take it anymore. I can’t and I'm scared!" 

My body can't take the tension anymore. I collapse onto the floor and sit as if all life's energy is taken away from me. Witnessing what he has caused, Yoongi takes one more deep breath before speaking once more.

"Sammy is jealous,” he starts, “When I first introduced you, she was ok. She was happy for me. I never had a relationship and wasn't searching for one, but then I met you and everything changed. The more we were together, the more I fell in love, and Sammy noticed. I stopped showing her attention, stopped hanging out as much as we used to, and she didn’t like it,” Yoongi explains, “We fought a lot because of you." 

I listen to his explanation, but the only thing I feel is, just, weird. I never had the feeling that he stopped showering her with attention, or that they stopped being together. They were together all the time, like twins glued by the hip. 

"You fought because of me?"

"Yeah, she wanted me to break up with you. But I love you. I just couldn't do it."

This… t-this is too much. I can’t deal with this. Yoongi says this, Samantha that. Who am I supposed to believe now? My mind says that Samantha is right, but my heart trusts Yoongi. Of course, it does, I still love this man with every heartbeat.

The mere sight of him makes it hard to sort out any rational thought. I can't think clearly when he's here, on the bed, hurt and struggling with the circumstance we are in. I want to hug him tight and apologize for doubting his loyalty. Kiss him, touch him, tell him that everything is going to be ok. I want to convince him that our relationship is safe, plan our wedding and our future together, and most of all, tell how much I love him.

But I won't! Stay strong, Crystal. Clear your mind. I know my love towards this man is true, but that’s the problem. I love him and thus accept almost everything. But not this time.

I gather all my strength and stand up from the cold floor. My gaze falls to the man on the bed. His eyes meet mine with a sad expression and tears on his cheeks. I stop in front of him. When I sense the warmth of his hands on mine, I shrug him off.

"I need time to think about this, about us. And I need to do it alone,” I say as calm as I can, “Don't wait for me tonight. I won't come home." With that announcement, I exit our apartment with a heavy heart, leaving the man of my life alone behind.

~•~

New York City is cold. The wind is rough as it thrashes against my unprotected face. I forgot to wear my beanie. The tears have no chance of staying on my cheeks because the breeze is too cruel, and in seconds the salty drops disappear, leaving my face dry and itchy.

What have I done? Where am I going now? Actually, I have nowhere to go. My mom's place is not an option ever since that fight I had with her boyfriend. My fathers’ house is no different, although I’m sure my sister would be happy to see me. I don't feel like going.

So, here I am, sitting at the bus station without any destination in mind. It's dark, but New York City never rests. I scroll through my phone, searching for someone who could take me in for the night. Then, one name pops up.

Mary, my best friend.

We haven’t talked for some time now, but I’m sure she would be ok with me staying over. I slept at her place a lot of times when we were young. The last time we talked, she was single. At least, I hope she is. I wouldn’t like to pop in while she’s doing the horizontal Tango.

Well, I’ll never know if I don't try. Let's give it a go.

I tap on the bright screen and watch the phone connect the call. I place the gadget beside my ear and wait. It's ringing, with every beep tone I grow nervous, and my hands start sweating. Then, she picks up.

"Hello, Mary?... I need to talk to you… I'm at my bus station...Oh ok, I'll wait… See you soon.”

Am I lucky or what? Mary is actually nearby buying things at the grocery store. That's actually perfect. We can meet up and talk while going to her place.

I know I can count on her, no matter the circumstances. She’s the one person who knows how I feel by just looking at my eyes. To her, I’m an open book, and she will immediately know how to help me.

"Crissy! Hey, you ok?" There it is, her calming voice. Just hearing her calling my name makes me want to cry and sob, and tell her all my pain and thoughts. The woman I trust the most takes a seat right beside me and embraces my cold body.

"Mary, I don't know what to do." Great, tears again. I feel like I've been crying for years.

"Calm down, honey. Take a deep breath.” her chocolate gaze is on me, and she gives me the feeling of protection. She is always calm and finds solutions to any kind of problem. “Now, tell me what happened." 

And I tell her everything. My suspicion about Yoongi cheating on me with Samantha... our surprise engagement, even though I had a bad feeling... those two beautiful weeks... Samantha's confession... and then Yoongi blaming his friend for lying, and me leaving.

Mary listens without ever saying a word. Even between the sobs and crying pauses, she gives me time to explain and sort out my emotions.

That's what I appreciate about her.

My last sentence is out and silence is here. I look at my friend with questioning eyes, hoping she has an idea what to do now. Who should I believe in this chaos? 

But her expression is empty, one I am not familiar with. It's the first time I see her like this. She's usually smart and quick-witted, a solution already in her head before I even finish the sentence. To be fair, this situation is a messy one, so it could take her a little time to think this through. I know she has my best interest at heart, and I'll acknowledge whatever she'll suggest to me.

“Crissy, I...”

"I know. I know this is difficult, Mary. The thing is I… I just can't shake the feeling that Yoongi is lying. I can't explain it, but I just know it, deep inside my gut. Whenever he leaves, I get this uncomfortable sting and I just can’t get rid of it. I don’t know, maybe I'm just paranoid, or crazy, or-"

"That's not it." Finally, she speaks. Her eyes wander to the dark sky where the stars usually shine in millions of little lights, but the city lanterns are too bright, outshining the beauty of the night. I notice her darkened gaze and the sadness in the corner of her eyes.

I think she's feeling my pain, too. Damn it, I said too much again. I know I can be extreme when I'm emotional, and I also don't want her to feel sorry for me. But it's a sweet gesture to see that she's suffering with me and is hurt when I'm hurt. She's an angel for understanding, and I love her for staying with me. The only friend I have.

My best friend's attention turns back to me, "Crystal, I have to confess something," I don't like the tone of her voice, it's trembling and sounds insecure. "Yes, Yoongi cheated on you, and he didn’t do it just once. He did it at least twice."

If she could hear my heart, she would notice the crash with every spoken word. The pieces of my endless love are dropping down in the form of tears. Unable to hold back the salty droplets and the little whimper, I hold onto my knees, embracing them tightly to rest my forehead on my legs.

Assuming is one thing, but learning the truth is on a whole other level. Knowing he lied to me has hurt me in ways one cannot describe in words. I'm angry at myself for trusting and believing in him, and for all the times I gave my all to him without realizing that for him that meant nothing at all. 

But… one thing is not adding up. The first time I told her about my suspicions, Mary defended him.

"That time I told you about my suspicions, you said I needed to stay strong; that I am surely misinterpreting things that aren’t there. What are you not telling me, Mary?"

My friend kneels in front of me on the cold ground. Her hands take both of mine into her warm and soft palms. Tears appear on her cheeks when she says the most dreadful words I ever heard coming from her mouth.

"I slept with Yoongi."

Silence. Speech leaves me as her words play on repeat in my mind. I can't feel anything. It's like drowning in the abyss of death, where all life is taken from my body. I'm an empty shell. Stone hard and cold, inside and out. The only words I'm able to say are, "When...how...why…?"

"It happened on New Year's Eve. We met at the club by coincidence. We were both drunk and one led to the other. I'm so sorry for not telling you. I was so ashamed, but Yoongi begged me not to tell you. He loves you, he really, truly does. He regretted it instantly. I swear, Crissy, I'm so sorry!" Mary tries to win my attention when she waves her hand towards my face.

On New Year's Eve, I was alone at home waiting for the man I love to come home, but that night he didn't... because he was having too much fun fucking my best friend!

"Crystal? Please say something…" The woman cries tears of regret. Maybe they were tears of betrayal… Is she devastated, she betrayed and forever ruined our lifelong friendship, or that she betrayed the trust of the scumbag she slept with... maybe both... but I don’t care.

I stand up from the cold seat and push her lightly away. The bullet I wanted to fire at Yoongi, shot me instead. My heart is bleeding, my love for this man slashed open as vultures feed on the remaining pain. 

"Crissy, talk to me, please." The woman I once trusted the most in my life grabs my wrist, but I wiggle myself free. For the last time, I take her chocolate eyes hostage, and the only thing my stare allows her to see are hurt and betrayal. This is my farewell to the only friend I had, and now lost.

"We're done!" 

an: don't forget to vote, please⭐
Sharing and comments are welcome♥️

Thank you for reading
Love you 🌸🐼

Please vote if you liked it 💋