6. Proceeding Logically

Jim had spent a good hour talking to Adam, discussing his reservations and everything he wasn't sure about. Adam was a good listener and patient with all Jim's questions and it really did help. By the end he almost felt ready to face the reality. Of course, there was one person he hadn't spoken to properly yet.

That was why he asked Adam and Kris (they insisted on being called by their first names) to give him and Spock some time alone. This time he was not about to avoid the issue at hand. It seemed, however, that all his carefully planned questions went out the window once they were actually in the same room. Spock made him all illogical, the irony of which was not lost on him at all.

"Captain," Spock said politely in greeting and then waited patiently for a response.

"Do you find me attractive?" he found himself blurting out before his brain to mouth filter caught up.

Spock raised an eyebrow.

"Sorry," he said, and turned away; it had been a stupid question.

"I have always found you to be an intriguing example of your species," Spock replied and surprised him, giving him the courage to look back at the Vulcan. "When we first came into contact, I believed many of your qualities to be dangerous and impractical, but I have since come to revise many of my opinions. Your body shape and facial features are also pleasing in an aesthetic manner which is stimulating to reproductive urges."

Jim frowned; he wasn't stupid, but sometimes Spock took some interpreting.

"Was that a yes?" he asked.

Spock inclined his head which Jim had learned to read as a nod.

"According to Attaché Allen it would make no difference if I had not been previously," Spock told him, which made him turn fully towards the Vulcan; "your body chemistry is now perfectly adapted to illicit physiological responses from me."

Jim felt something in his chest twist.

"So, I've trapped you into this as firmly as I have been trapped," he said and felt strangely light headed.

"Captain," Spock said and he quickly found himself being supported by strong arms, "I am not trapped."

That didn't make any sense.

"But you said ..."

"I wished only to illustrate that this situation is not unpleasant for me," Spock told him, sitting him down in the chair next to his desk. "I have noted that you are inclined to worry about such things and would be unlikely to accept the logical course of action if this were the case."

Spock definitely had him nailed on that one.

"I am Vulcan, Captain," Spock continued to explain; "I have been trained since childhood to overcome instinctive urges. If I so chose, I could walk away."

"Why don't you?"

He couldn't help asking. All pointers were indicating that this was not going to simply disappear thanks to the wonders of medical science; it was for keeps unless Bones pulled off a miracle.

"It is only logical to preserve life," Spock said, but Jim didn't buy it.

There was logical and then there was unreasonable.

"Do you think Doctor McCoy and the Sonarian scientists will ever find anything to reverse this?"

Sometimes asking Spock direct questions that weren't quite the questions you wanted answered was the only way to find out things from the tight-lipped Vulcan.

"That is not my field of expertise," was the evasive reply.

"Stop hedging and answer the question," Jim insisted in his bluntest tone.

For a moment Spock simply looked at him.

"Given current evidence," Spock finally replied, "I would have to conclude they will not."

Which was precisely the answer Jim had expected.

"Then you're looking at this as a permanent arrangement," he said, since that was the only logical extrapolation, "which makes it less logical. I'm just one man and, weighed against your whole life plan, saddling yourself with me is tantamount to illogical."

Spock lifted an eyebrow at him again.

"I would disagree, Captain," Spock said, "however, I fear you will not be swayed from your opinion by pure logic. Since your health is at stake, I am forced to admit you have become important to me. You are annoying, confrontational, often irrational and delight in entirely unnecessary mischief and yet I find I would miss you were you no longer there."

Jim actually felt a little better at that revelation and he finally managed a real smile.

"Yeah," he said, "I like you too, even if you are arrogant, a know it all and far too interested in efficiency."

That earned him another eyebrow, which he took as a win.

"Thank you," he said, becoming serious again.

Spock simply nodded and the moment was over.

"I was talking to Adam," Jim said as the silence that had fallen started to feel awkward; "he said that sex usually comes next."

"A logical progression," Spock replied with a nod, "and one which I believe should increase the rate of adjustment to make this transition easier on both of us."

Jim had never had such a frank discussion about sex before. He usually relied on games before finally bedding someone. The game was half the fun, but they were way beyond that. Spock's detached acceptance was a little off putting. He was almost expecting the words 'bodily functions' to come into the conversation at some point.

"So, we should ... um ... then ..."

Talking about sex wasn't usually a problem for him, but then he'd never had a sex talk with a Vulcan.

"Have sex, Captain?" Spock asked. "Yes, I believe that would be prudent. However, it is almost time for the next meal, and you require regular sustenance to recover from your imprisonment. Hence, I would suggest we eat, rest for a sensible period and then reconvene this instigation of physical intimacy."

Jim thought he might be losing it just a little, because the way Spock said 'physical intimacy' was almost sexy.

~*~

This was it, they were alone, together and Jim was supposed to finally give in to his instincts. He wasn't overly sure Spock had instincts, but they just had to get on with it. They had had dinner with Adam and Kris, Spock had explained their decision and the Sonarians had seemed very happy about the whole thing. Now Jim was trying to concentrate on his attraction to Spock and not over think things.

"I believe I have a solution to your problem, Captain," Spock said and totally wrecked any mood Jim had been trying to set in his head.

"Jim, please call me Jim, or at least Kirk; this is hard enough without the whole Captain stuff."

"But, Captain," Spock said, raising one of his elegant eyebrows, "I believe that may be part of our solution."

Jim sagged just a little. Of course, what Spock wanted, Spock was going to get; he didn't have much of a choice, but he had been hoping the other man was not going to make this difficult. There was so much he didn't understand about Spock, but he was trying.

"How?"

"In recent months, since my lack of foresight and subsequent loss of control after the destruction of Vulcan, it has come to my attention that through Vulcan discipline I have been neglecting the additions to my psyche from my human genes."

Spock always used far too many words, but Jim nodded, getting it so far.

"It would appear this is detrimental to my efficiency. I wish to be purely Vulcan, but I am not, and it is illogical to ignore this fact given such direct evidence."

Jim almost thought Spock was talking around the point.

"And?" he pushed, because his hands were beginning to shake again.

"Nyota and I," there was a slight catch in Spock's voice as his spoke the name, although Jim was pretty sure he only caught it because he was quite so attuned to the other man, "have investigated certain outlets for these urges."

He just about held himself back from demanding to know what instantly. It was obvious that this was as hard for Spock as it was for him, logical Vulcan shell or no logical Vulcan shell.

"You have a fear of losing control, Captain, however, Nyota and I have ascertained that due to the control required of me at all times in daily life, in private I find it rewarding to relinquish such control."

For a moment he sat there and thought that through, and it finally dawned on him what Spock meant.

"You want me to be in charge?" He had to make sure.

Spock simply raised an eyebrow again at the dumb question.

"I believe that would satisfy both our needs."

It sounded too good to be true, but Jim knew Spock wasn't lying; he would have felt it. Just for a moment he almost believed what Adam and Kris had been trying to tell him and that submissives knew what they were about when they chose.

"Is there anything ..." he tried to find something sensible to ask, but he was more of a doer than a talker in such situations.

He looked at Spock, Spock looked back and he decided he was being an idiot. He wanted to reach out, so he did, but that was when he found something was wrong and he couldn't touch. His hand stopped an inch away from Spock and he couldn't go any further. He tried to move, but he just couldn't make himself do it, every time he tried the feeling of complete wrongness jumped up at him.

"Captain?" Spock asked.

"I can't," he said, still trying to move, but unable to fight the knowledge that if he did, he could hurt Spock.

He didn't understand, it made no sense, until he looked directly into Spock's eyes. Then he knew and he realised what was going on. He felt the shakes start as soon as the reality became clear.

"I can't," he said, feeling his chest tightening, "Nyota ... you ... I ... you didn't choose."

He could not hurt Spock; he was fundamentally incapable of it and just by being there he knew he was doing it. Pain ripped through his core and he stumbled backwards, curling in on himself and collapsing towards the floor.

"Captain," Spock said and Jim felt a hand touch his arm, but he could not reply as he felt the shaking become full on muscle spasms. "Doctor McCoy, Mr Allen and Protector Lambert to the captain's quarters, medical emergency," he heard Spock say.

It dimly occurred to him that he was going into another seizure and everything around him seemed to become remote.

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