Autumn Leaves

'Was it the end? Where did we even stand, after everything?'

||Her||

I'm usually very happy with how I'd built myself but there were parts that made me deem myself as straight-up 'pathetic', 

"Okay, what the fuck is up with you two?!" Soo-Ah burst into my room, the loud sound of the door banging against the wall amplifying my headache. "Soo, softer please!" I pleaded, cringing at the sound of my own feeble voice. Which seemed to have its own effect on Soo-Ah as her face dropped from angry to worried. 

"Are you okay...?" I could only shake my head against the pillow at her question. My head started spinning even more violently, making me wanna just shut the world off. But of course, my gut had a problem with that as well. My stomach violently lurched and somehow, my already stumbling legs carried me to the bathroom to empty whatever was left in my stomach. I could the vibration of Soo-Ah's hurried footsteps close to me, so I didn't flinch when I felt two hands gather my hair behind my head. Tears sprung out of my eyes; a whirlpool of emotions pulling me in. I was tired, sore, sad and my heart and body ached. 

I knew there was only one person who could cure all of this, but right now, I'd rather suffer in silence than go to him. It had 3 full weeks since we had returned from Taiwan and that somehow ended up being the best and worst time of my life; 

I wanted to talk to Namjoon about what I heard and what I saw but somehow, my throat always caught up. I never seemed to find the best words for it, nor the ideal time to bring it up. Everyone was stressed, and everyone was busy. The last thing I wanted to do was add to already the huge pile of stress Namjoon and everyone else had.  But in these weeks, I raged in a mental war with myself while keeping my eyes trained on the woman who was sabotaging my relationship at any given chance. 

Yoon Harin, just another member BTS crew; and I didn't know if this was a recent thing or had she always had the tendency to hover around Namjoon but she did. And every single time I noticed it, my blood boiled! 

I was more furious at that woman than I was at Namjoon. Sure I was disappointed in him, but I was angry at this woman and her two accomplices for trying to sabotage what me and Namjoon had right now. This was why I decided to deal with those 3 before approaching the issue with Namjoon. 

But I too was human, a human with insecurities and thoughts of my own. Amidst all the raging and all the anger, my own lackings somehow found room to come around and fill my thoughts with doubts. And my doubts continue to torment me until he's near. So I cling to him, hold him tighter and hoped that my doubts would wither away like dried autumn leaves. He was mine, for eternity. Then why could I not get over my insecurities?

"You better tell me what's going on Kim Mishil cause this is getting ridiculous!!" Soo-Ah sternly demanded, while basically carrying me to the bed, once I was done rinsing my mouth. Once my body dropped down the mattress, I could finally see the expression that took over her face; this was what I guess was when she found me in my apartment on the night of the concert; the night I was bonded. 

I nodded, not even having the strength to deny her. I knew I couldn't handle this alone. I had enough of Yoon Harin and now it was time to put her in her place. "Can you call the rest of them?" Soo-Ah pursed her lips and walked out of the room; anger radiating off her stance.  

"Oh my God, what happened to you?" It was Mirae's usually soft voice that broke me out of my reverie. Behind her walked in Mi-Eun and Sora, whose usually soft features hardened when her eyes fell on me. "A lot," I feebly answered, as Sora helped me sit up. It was pathetic, even for myself to see this weekend state and a part of me knew that something was wrong with me, but I could worry about it later,

"Tell us..." Sora took a seat beside my feet. "Everything!" And I did. From the day in Hamilton where this all started, then in Taiwan where I overheard Harin and Namjoon talking and then my observations for the past weeks. 

The more I recounted my experiences the darker the look on Sora and Mi Eun's faces went. Even Mirae, the softest one out of all of us, looked downright disgusted by the time I finished. "You get some rest," Mi Eun gritted out, barely hiding the rage she was feeling. "Me and Eunnie will take care of this, you don't have to worry about her anymore!" Sora agreed, "She'll be out of Big Hit by the end of this week," 

A wave of relief flushed down my entire being as my back relaxed against the soft pillow. "You don't worry one bit, Mish, we'll take care of this," Sora gently patted my hair. Her touch was warm and comforting and I needed all the comfort I could get. Usually, I turn to Namjoon for comfort, but I was too busy pushing him away in the past weeks to tell him now. 

"Why are you pushing him away?" It was rather weird to hear Soo-Ah speak soo softly since it highly contradicted her loud and bold personality. "Hmmm?" I hummed, my head lolling back to plop against the pillow. "Mish, you'd look for excuses to come by the practice room and give him a hug or a kiss and now? For the past 3 weeks, you barely even look at him when he's in the practice room when you do come around!" I wanted to refute and fight back but I was too tired and she was right.

The push-and-pull game I was playing with Namjoon was disgusting to me and I was scared that one of these days, this man is going to throw me out of his life or worse, be forced to stay with me because both of us need the other to live. The last thing I wanted to be was a burden to him. 

"I'm....scared..." I finally confessed, my scratchy voice sounding foreign to my own ears. "Of what? That girl replacing you in Namjoon's life?" Soo-Ah asked like she couldn't believe I was considering this. "Did you somehow forget that you're his soulmate and she's just an ex, who he broke up with?!" She was yelling at me now, "And if it means that much to you, then why don't you go and ask him?! Tell him everything and ask him?!" 

"No, I did not forget!" I snapped back, albeit in a weaker than her yelling. "I am also the soulmate that cannot go more than 24 hours without him. I'm the weaker link of this bond, the needier side. I need him all the damn time! He has been by my side this whole time, while I burdened him with my presence, my emotions, and my feelings and he has endured it all, without a word! Even now, I'm tormenting him with my feelings which, must I remind you, he's enduring with all the stress they've got to go through!" Somewhere in the back of my head, the headache was raging with each gritted shout that left me. The nausea was creeping in again but I was on a roll.  

"You ask why I can't tell him? Why don't I ask him everything?!" She had tried to stop me from flinging the duvet aside and forcing myself to stand on my wobbly feet, the entire hotel room spinning in front of me. "Because Soo-Ah, I can't just burst into his studio and ask him 'Hi Joon, are you planning on leaving me for your ex-girlfriend?!' I can't do that cause I feel shitty as it is for even considering that option! This man has been nothing but kind to me and here I am, worrying myself sick with doubts! This is killing me from the inside and I hate it okay!" 

Where did all of that even come from? I didn't know, but as soon as I was done; my legs gave away. Taking me down on the faux wooden floor, my palms and knees aching under the force of the fall. I heard Soo-Ah grit out a curse as she rushed to my side. "Take...me to the bathroom," It's a miracle how I was comprehendible amidst all the gagging and dry heaving but Soo-Ah basically carried me to the bathroom just in time for me to empty my guts, again.

"I..." I heaved a deep breath, my head spinning uncontrollably now, "I feel like a burden in his life..." "Oh Mish," Soo-Ah's voice dropped into a pained whisper as I broke down in desperately tired tears. "Let's get you settled yeah;" Her gentle fingers carded through my hair, while I messily rinsed my mouth, the best I could.

No words were exchanged until I was back on the bed and near passing out from exhaustion. "Mish, you have to stop," She pleaded, fingers gently moving my hair from my face. "Can't you see what it's doing to you? Doing to the both of you?" I saw and that's what scared me even more. I was pushing him away without a care of how the heck was I going to pull us back to each other ever again. 

"He's not too far, Mish," She assured me, "Just trust him a little more and let him protect you guys! Don't push him away Mish, please! Not when he's right there, waiting for you to reach out. " Tears brimmed in my eyes, again. I was crying too much these days; "Don't fight alone when all of us are here for you, okay," 

"Promise me, Mish," She pleaded, "Promise me that once you wake up, you're gonna talk to him and finish this," To which I only nodded,

I'm usually very happy with how I'd built myself but there were parts that made me deem myself as straight-up 'pathetic' and specifically the part of me that required someone else pushing me towards what I need!

||Him|| 

Something was up with Mishil; ever since that concert in Taiwan, she's grown extremely distant. Which makes it all the more confusing since our time in Taoyuan was the best of our lives. She and I were sky-high until everything went downhill. 

It's been 3 weeks since we came back and she had grown detached with each passing day. Even if she didn't say anything, I could feel the crazy array of emotions she was feeling. Anger, confusion, doubt and when I finally go back to our room, finally some sense of peace. 

We share the same bed, I hold her against me, and I kiss her with every chance I get but I can see and feel the difference;

Her smile doesn't reach her eyes anymore, she holds me tighter whenever she does; like I'm going to slip away if she lets loose. I wish she would tell me what changed but if I was being honest, I didn't exactly make an effort to know. 

My life was too messed up right now; the stress of the ongoing tour added on with Harin being on my tail; bombarding me with questions and threats. 

She constantly cornered me with threats of telling Mishil about the fling I had with her. And while I had told Mishil about my past relationships, she didn't know that it was with one of the company staff members. And she also doesn't know that I ended things just 6 months before the opening concert happened; where we met.

It's not like I liked keeping a secret but the time was never the right time for me to tell her. Every time I wanted to, something would interrupt us. And soon enough, I started to think it wasn't important. I was too focused on my present and started thinking that whoever my past was with didn't matter. 

And I still thought the same. Mishil is my present and future. Harin was my past. Then why was I scared of Mishil knowing the truth?

Was it because I'd lied, albeit by omission and was scared that the consequences of my actions would be too big for me to fix? Or was it the irrational fear that she might not want to stay with me after learning the truth?

I honestly didn't know. What I did know though, was that I really couldn't afford to be scared or stressed right now. Soulmate/boyfriend Kim Namjoon wasn't the only one who was facing a crisis. The leader of BTS, RM was also facing a rather stressful period and between those two situations, I felt like I was trapped from all sides.

Was that the reason why I felt less stressed when I found her sleeping by the time I came back home? No matter how much she tried to hide it, I sensed her dejection and worry. Which worried me, but at the end of the was just was something she had to tell me. 

"Have you told her?" The mere sound of Harin's voice sent a flare of agitation through my being. She never left one chance at reminding me that she knew she had leverage on me; not even when I was in my studio and trying to write the next track; even then, my mind had to be filled up with what potential shit show she can start on my life. 

"Why are you here?" I was careful to keep my voice levelled, cause knowing Harin, would very much be capable of going anonymous and starting internet drama about me not being respectful to staff. And while I couldn't give two lesser shits about how I treated someone who was blackmailing me, the public doesn't know that. And BTS did not need to deal with a scandal, much less explain why I was wanting to oust this woman out of my life. 

"So you haven't?" Her plump lips curled up in a smirk, making disgust crawl up my throat. "Should I Namjoon?" She leant forward, partially hovering over me. "How do you think Mishil would react to that?" 

"Step back from me!" I gritted out, gripping the cushions of my chair in order to restrain myself from shoving her back. If she didn't, I would have to consider throwing all of my fears out and putting her in her place.

"That wasn't the answer to my question," She leaned in closer, making me retreat further into my chair. "I asked, how do you think Mishil would react to that?" Her hand rested on my thighs dangerously close to my crotch, making my body convulse with disgust. 

"Get your fucking hands off him!" It was as though a bucket of ice water was dumped on my being when I heard the soft but firm voice of my soulmate in the doorway. Harin's head whipped to the side, her face resembling that of a serial killer caught in the act. 

Meanwhile, I watched Mishil's usually tender eyes harden each second her command wasn't listened to. Even though she was fuming with rage, anyone with 2 eyes could see that she was sick. Pale and frail, yet eyes glaring dagger into the woman in front of me. 

She scoffed the slightest and stalked my way, shoving Harin back with a single rough push on her shoulders. "What are you doing!?" Harin screamed at her, stumbling back, barely managing to catch herself from falling on the floor. "You can't do that to me!"

"Like hell, I can't!" My soulmate snapped back, borderline yelling as she stood in front of me. In my confused, stressed and terrified state, it truly felt like she was shielding me in this moment. "Are you deaf?! Did you not hear me?!" She snapped her back to me. Even then, I could sense the anger radiating off her. Harin squeaked back, clearly too caught off guard to even answer. "How fucking dare you! How dare you put your hands on him?! How dare you blackmail him?!" 

"What are you-" "What, you think no one would notice? The game you've been playing?" This was the first time I'd ever seen Mishil this angry, she had been annoyed but right now; it felt like with the right motivation, she could've murdered Harin with her bare hands.

Our emotions being fused together was a double-edged sword, I could feel the anger coursing through her being, the absolute disgust raging and the tiny peeks of doubt that she was dismissing as soon as they emerged. 

"I excused you at Hamilton 'cause back then, you were just doing your job, or so it seemed!" She gritted out, each of her screams making the colour in Harin's face drop a shade paler. "Then in Taiwan, you fucking dared to corner my boyfriend and threaten him?! What did you think huh?! That I would leave? Leave after hearing that you were a fucking psycho in the making?!" Her rigid body was now vibrating with anger. I slowly stood up from my seat, fully ready to catch her if Mishil ended up passing out.

"And now fucking dared to put your filthy hands on him? On my boyfriend?! ON MY FUCKING SOULMATE!!? HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!?" Suddenly she had lunged for Harin making the said woman whimper and fall back on the floor, her hands creating a pathetic barrier over her head and face. 

"Babe no!" I have no idea where she got this much strength, but despite our height and weight difference, it was a struggle for me to hold her back. "Baby...calm down..." It was hard for me to hold her back, seeing Mishil's rage explode and now she was seeing nothing but red. 

"What in the-Oh you bitch!" I had never been more grateful after hearing Soo-Ah's voice. She took one glance at the situation and immediately stomped towards Harin, who looked nothing less than an injured animal, cornered and cowering pathetically. And behind her marched in Sora Noona, Mi Eun and Mirae. 

"You just couldn't wait for the end of the week, huh?!" Noona snarled, rolling her eyes. Meanwhile, Mishil was still seething and shaking in my hold. "Baby, you have to calm down!" I urged, speaking to her hair. "See, everyone's here! She's not gonna come near me anymore, I swear. Just calm down!" In a moment of desperation, I pressed a soft kiss to her temple, hoping that it would have the usual effect on her. And it did,

She started relaxing in my hold, angry seethed breaths now dropping down to tired pants. "It's over Mish, it's done, she's done." "I want her gone, right now!" She demanded in a weak but stern voice. I exchanged one look with Noona before Mi Eun ran out of the room and returned with Manager Hyung and our head of security. 

"Take her away," I pointed at Harin, who looked like she was going to pass out from the abruptness of the situation. "There are 2 more staff members who need to be put under immediate investigation. I'll go," That maybe was the cue, since once Harin was escorted out of the room with Mi Eun glaring daggers at her, Noona, Soo-Ah and Mirae also left, shutting the door behind them.

"Namjoon..." The sound of her voice calling my name sent an uncomfortable shiver down my spine. She'd rarely ever used my full name. "Why didn't you tell me?"

My troubles were not over just yet.....

Go ahead and curse me out! I deserve it.

THIS CHAPTER SAT ON MY DRAFT FOR FOUR DAMN MONTHS! AND MY DUMB ASS COULDN'T JUST GO AROUND FINISHING IT.

In my meek defence, it's been a chaotic and busy couple of months; but that is no excuse. I'm truly sorry for dipping. I'm truly very sorry!

And on another note, I initially planned on making the whole fiasco with Harin (we hiss at that bitch) into a total of 3 chapters. But I was on a roll when I finally got to finishing the chapter and thought that after me going MIA for 4 months, I felt you guys deserved a full chapter, with the majority of the drama in one place. 

I am beyond grateful for all the people who've read and voted on Bonded. I cannot thank you all enough for all the reads, votes and comments. 

With that being said, this was it for the chapter. I shall see you guys very soon. 

Till then; how are you? How's life been? Anything you want to tell me?

I'd love to hear what's new with your lives! 

Votes and Comments will be massively appreciated. Once again, I'm extremely sorry,
I hope you guys liked this chapter and I'll see you guys on the next one. 

Till then;

Love

Fay💗

started: 5/3/2023
published: 11/7/2023