| Ricky's POV |

Things have been rather awkward.  Chris and I are existing in the same space without addressing each other. We might as well be roommates instead of lovers set to get married. I have confidence this is just a rough patch but it's slowly killing me. Does he even notice? You'd think after so long of knowing each other, he could clearly see that he's breaking me down. 

That apology the other night didn't go far. It was an in the moment type of thing. We're back to not knowing how to act around one another because neither of us will swallow our pride. I'd like to think I'm in the right here, but then I remember I had kissed Devin. I know I have to tell Chris the truth but I'm sure you can understand why I don't want to. 

"Are you packed yet?" He asked me as I walked into our bedroom. 

That's another thing. We're leaving for our trip to Hawaii in the morning. I'm going to paradise with my fiance and I can't even bare to be by him at the moment. On top of it, we have to go with the most perfect couple we know. No matter how many hiccups Shiloh and Devin have, they still love each other unconditionally. 

"Not yet." I muttered a reply.

"Some things never change." Chris said under his breath.

I narrowed my eyes at him. "What's that supposed to mean?" 

"You always wait until last minute to pack." He sounded annoyed with me. "It gets old."

"Hey look you have small habits that I don't like but I put up with them. That's what love is all about. At least, to me." I let my eyes wonder as I felt so disappointed in the way he was acting. 

"Yeah, well it starts to add up." He snapped. "We're always late places because you have bad time management. When we do get there half the time you won't eat anything on the menu. You have to reorganize everything once a week and I never know where anything is, but I know when I find it it'll smell like fuckin' smoke. And just once I'd like to go to bed without you having to get up to check the locks every five minutes."

Why was he acting like this? He's being a fucking asshole! And to bring up things he knows are actual issues of mine is real low. I thought he accepted my flaws but in a moment of weakness I found out different. 

Tears found their way to my eyes as I replied, "You know damn well why I check those locks twenty times! I thought you were understanding of it but I guess I don't understand you like I thought I did."

"You've let your whole life revolve around him! You don't have to worry about him hurting you anymore! He's fucking dead, Ricky, and he's been dead for five years. Get over it already." 

"Get over it?!" I yelled. "I can't just get over it! I loved him with all my heart and I was the one who watched him die. You don't know what it's like to fall asleep next to someone you love and when you wake up, they're... they're dead. You don't fucking know and you will never understand that I'm not getting over Jani. If you can't accept that, then..."

"Then what, Ricky?" Chris barked. 

"Then I can't marry you." I confessed with tears streaming down my flushed face. 

He stood there stunned. It was the truth. I can't spend my whole life with someone who doesn't understand my main source of pain. I didn't want to talk anymore. I grabbed the car keys from the counter and rushed out to the garage. There was only one place I could think to go, but first I wanted to make a pitstop.

~

It was snowing outside when I arrived at the cemetery. I didn't mind the cold too much and it was a light snow. Because it was nighttime, it was pretty chilly. Oh well. My mind was overpowering my body's need for warmth. I'm sure you can guess why I'm here. 

I sadly knew exactly where Jani's headstone was, amongst the thousands of them. It's rare I come here because I'm always busy with tour or I can't get away from Chris without him figuring out where I'm going. He hates when I come here and I know why now. He still holds a grudge against Jani for some reason. 

Right under the oak tree, which was now leave-less, Jani was buried. His family crest was on the tombstone. Underneath, it read his given name James Berry West. Where his nickname of Jani came from, I have never known. It fit him better than "James" ever did.

Somedays I genuinely miss him. Maybe if he never passed, we could have worked things out and still have stayed friends. When we were first dating, and towards the end when he was dying, he was a really good man. It was just those few years he was being a prick that I don't ever want to return to. Even though he hit me, he still took care of me from any outside forces. It might have been sick, but I loved him. I still do, I just love Chris more.

For as much as I love him, I can't stay with him if he keeps up this act. I won't fall victim to abuse, verbal or physical. Not again.