Roger's P.O.V.

Things turned slightly sour after that little moment with Jim. I knew Brian was hiding something, it was so obvious but he clearly didn't want to tell me. Something had to have happened between him and Freddie...something bad because if it was just an argument, he would have no problem telling me that.

One part of me really wanted to find out and then the other part was slightly scared to know.

I will ask Fred. He tells me everything.

Brian and me decided to retire back to our hotel rooms, we were still ridiculously tired after the shambles of last night and I could do with a quick power nap.

Christ knows how Freddie has found the energy to go in to town.

Plus, the atmosphere between Bri and me had turned a little stale and awkward after speculation had risen.

I tip toed into mine and Deaky's room, the bedroom was dimly lit, he'd pulled the curtains closed and had tried to block out as much light as possible.

Although as soon as I walked in I was hit by the terrible stench of vomit.

Understandably so as John had practically pebble dashed the walls with it. Even though I'd tried my best to clean it up. You couldn't see any anymore but fuck, it stank.

It was eerily quiet and looked like Deaks was sprawled out in the bed. I think he was asleep as he didn't even disturb when I came in.

I felt a little bad that I would have to wake him to get him to move up so I could get in bed too.

I took off my jeans and my T-shirt, leaving them in a pile on the floor and carefully peeled back the duvet.

"How come you came back to the room?" A voice suddenly grumbled.

So...John wasn't asleep after all. I thought I detected a hint of disappointment in his voice when he saw me.

He reluctantly moved over and I climbed in the bed beside him.

"I wanted to see how you were doing. And I'm really tired, I'm going to have a little sleep."

I laid down and stared at the ceiling, everything was still perfectly visible in the room as it was the middle of the day outside and the daylight was leaking in.

I waited for a response from him but I didn't get one.

"How are you feeling?" I whispered, turning over and shuffling closer, I started to spoon him.

"Sick. Please don't." He shoved me away and kept his back turned to me.

I felt a little hurt at his abruptness but brushed it off, if I was feeling sick I probably wouldn't want him to do that to me...or, would I love it?

"Sorry..." I whispered, glancing at him sadly.

All I ever wanted to do was show him affection and how much he means to me. But it was like he didn't allow me to do that. Didn't want me to get close and hold him, didn't want me to compliment him. If ever I dared to I either got completely ignored or scolded.

I mean sure, we kissed and we cuddled. But that was it. Apart from a handjob or a blowjob he gave me which I was never allowed to do back, that was the most intimate we had gotten. I wouldn't say any of it was real...it almost felt forced on his behalf...like he didn't want to be cute or anything.

I put it down to nerves but we'd been an item now for almost 5 months...we'd known each other for years...how much longer was he going to be nervous for?
Or was it that he wasn't that kind of person, he wasn't good at being affectionate...because some people just aren't.

Or was it just because I irritated him and he didn't want to kiss or hug me? He didn't have a problem with performing oral on me but it wasn't intimate...it had already begun to feel like a convenience... to shut me up, perhaps...

It had no meaning. Not like a loving and appreciative kiss did.

Fuck, listen to me. I'm starting to sound like Freddie.

But he was right. I realised that now.

All those years of fishing for an available girl at the bar just to shag her then send her home used to feel like the best thing ever. Now I came to see just how shallow that was of me. I had no connection with them, no affection...sometimes not even any attraction. It was just a meaningless, bland, fuck to get my needs out of the way.

But now I had John. Somebody who I did care hugely about, whom I'd like to think I have a strong connection with...lots of affection and tonnes of attraction. Now he was the only one I craved and was the only one I wished to gain attention from...and to not be getting it was rather...hurtful.

I don't know where I've gone wrong. At the beginning, it was blissful and then all of a sudden, very quickly indeed...that all went and he turned irritable with me. Like he had no patience with me at all. He didn't want to be sexual and sometimes appeared to not even want me near him.

This is why I want Freddie to try it on with him. He fancies Freddie, I've seen the way he looks at him. If he jumped at the chance of having sex with Freddie the first chance he gets, yet still refuses to have sex with me after many many tries. I know where I stand.

But...the singer was right. I needed to talk to him about it. We're both unhappy about something, I know what I'm unhappy about but I needed to know what his reason was.

I didn't want to lose him.

Somehow, through the thread of mind numbing thoughts and the emptiness of my arms where John should be and the lightness of the room...I managed to drift off to sleep.

Only to be awoken...a couple of hours later due to heavy knocking on our hotel room door.