Roger's P.O.V.

I wanted to cry.
And I so very nearly did.

Everything I cared about had walked out on me in a split second.

All because I had been honest with him.

Because I was gay.

His face. John's face. It looked like it was broken. Like I'd truly let him down. I wanted to apologise and make it better but how? Apologise for what? Being myself? I couldn't change. No matter how many times I've wanted to. I couldn't. I'm gay. That's it. I'm sorry John Deacon but that's who I am. He didn't like it. Neither did I. So was that it? I loose a best friend and the only person Ive ever felt so strongly about in such a short amount of time? Was this what rejection felt like? Because if it is it can fuck off. I'd happily live a lie, date girls, marry a girl, just to get John back. Even just as a friend. I didn't care. Maybe not happily live a lie, maybe easily, but maybe not even easily but I'd live it. For John.

But then he would win. He'd have his way. I'd let him win because he meant so much to me but for what purpose?

I realised just how strong Freddie was now. To go through all this...and more. To get rejected and hated by his own friends because of who he was. I admired him now. How he didn't give a fuck what anybody thought of him. If they didn't like it, he would shove it in their face just to get back at them. He wasn't scared. He was proud. I remember when he would meet somebody new and pretend he was only attracted to girls to not cause a scene. Even though now he still sometimes goes for girls everyone knows what his preference is. He won't hide it anymore. Maybe he got sick of it, pretending to be someone he's not. Just like I did. With John.

How could he just walk out on me like that? Didn't he realise how hard that was for me? To tell him? I had run through every possible outcome in my head about what would happen when I did tell him. The good ones seemed far away now, I never actually expected the worst possible scenario to unravel from two little words.

I'm gay.

Maybe he just needed time to think about it? He's not homophobic. He doesn't have a problem with Freddie. In fact he was all smiles and hugs when Freddie came out to us.

So why was I any different?

"There you go, darling." Freddie's soft voice woke me up from my manic thoughts as I heard him place a cup of tea in front of me and take a seat opposite me on the kitchen table.

Yet I didn't look up. I didn't want to face anyone, yet I didn't want to be alone.

"How are you feeling?" He asked.

I didn't answer. Couldn't sum up the energy to make my vocal chords work or to open my mouth to speak, or even lift my head up to speak to him.

I favoured the silent darkness instead.

Although my thoughts were much too loud.

"You know, he can't hate you Roger. It can't have anything to do with you being gay that made him walk out. If that was the case, he wouldn't still be talking to me either. Maybe...it was something else." I heard him slurp his tea.

I still didn't respond but I was listening to what Fred had to say.

"Maybe...it was just a shock to him? That one of his best friends who is notoriously known as the ladies man, doesn't actually like ladies at all." He snickered...but I wasn't up for any humour right now.
He sighed. "Last night, when we went out and I sent you to the bar, I asked John how his sex life was. He made a remark about how he didn't have time for women, so asked him, 'what about men?' He just looked down and shrugged..." he paused mid way through his statement.

I found myself lifting up my head slowly, to look at him, I looked into his eyes and he knew he had me, he leaned forward, his elbows on the table and his head in his hands.

"If he wasn't gay...he would have passed that off immediately. But he didn't answer, he didn't say no."

Whether Freddie was trying to inject false hope into me or not...it was working. If that really happened last night then...then maybe things aren't as bad as they seem.

"What are you implying?" I asked weakly.

"What I'm saying is, the way I just saw that situation pan out, if there is a possibility that John isn't straight, when you told him that you were gay, it made him realise. It made him realise that the one person that he didn't think was gay. Is gay. And he was so overcome by that, he didn't know what else to do other than walk out. Because the one person he probably didn't think he ever had a chance with. Likes men too." He took another gulp of his tea looking proud of himself.

I stared at him, wanting to believe every word that he had just said.

Wanting to believe that John was gay and he did like me and he was completely overwhelmed. But then again, those thoughts were still overpowered by the ones that believed everything Freddie had said was utter bullshit and he was just trying to make me feel better.

I took my tea and swallowed some. Freddie was a good tea maker.

"Was that 100% bullshit?" I asked, the negative thoughts taking ahold.

"No..." he looked offended. "I'm serious. He couldn't act this way with you, basing it all one one thing! That you're bloody gay?!" His voice was raising now as he got up from his seat to put his cup in the washing up bowl. He started to pace about and wave his arms around, something he did when he was mad or frustrated.
"If he was homophobic he would have walked out of my life a long time ago! But he hasn't! So he isn't! He didn't walk out because of that! He walked out because of something else. I know he did." He had a hand on his hip leaning against the kitchen work surface, looking at me as if he was trying to drill that into my brain.

I sighed, angrily and defeatedly, "And how do you expect we make John come out, if he is gay. And then what if he isn't? What's your explanation then?" I shrugged.

"We fucking interrogate the shit out of him if he isn't, that's how we get our explanation!" There was still a sting of anger in Freddie's voice. One that was sort of comforting to know that I still had someone who had my back, who cared about me.

I shook my head with a slight smile. All the commotion and the emotional tidal wave had sucked all the energy out of me and all I wanted to do now was sleep. But I still didn't want to be on my own with my thoughts.

"Fred? Can you stay over?" I asked shyly.

His eyes widened a little. "Tonight?"

I nodded.

"Well, I, I don't have any clothes or anything with me..."

"Can't you wear those tomorrow?" I nodded at the outfit he was wearing now.

"Well, I suppose. Oh, alright then dear I'll stay, I guess I do still have a toothbrush here from last time." He smiled.

I felt elated! I didn't have to spend another night alone. Freddie was so considerate.

We started heading up stairs, "Separate beds right? I mean I wouldn't actually mind sharing it's just-"

"Fred!"

He cackled, "What? I can flirt with you now Roger, you've got worse things coming your way." He said cheekily.

We paused on the landing, I looked into Freddie's warm eyes and...I couldn't help but smile.

He put his hands on my shoulders as he smiled sincerely at me.

"Get some sleep, love. Don't be thinking too hard about all this. I know it's hard but, it's for the best. And, Roger. If it turns out that John isn't gay after all this...you'll find someone. I know you will." He winked and pulled me into a hug.

I sighed into him and hugged him back, "Thanks Fred." I whispered as we pulled apart.

"I'll see you in the morning, okay?" He nodded, backing away towards my spare bedroom, his room for the night.

I nodded back, "Night..."

"Goodnight, darling." He replied before shutting the door behind him.

Retiring to my room I tore off my clothes and jumped right into bed, pulling the duvet up right to my cheeks after switching off the light.

I stared up at the dark ceiling.

Replaying how John looked after I told him and how he stood up, leaving, over and over again.

I felt too numb to cry even though that's how I felt. As if salty tears should be running down my face and soaking into the pillow.

But there were no tears. A dry pillow. Just numbness and confusion.

Freddie was right about one thing. John wasn't homophobic. So what was the matter?

I was trying not to focus on Freddie's idea as the only answer as I didn't want to be let down again.

Soon my mind let me out of my prison cell and let me think of something other than John.

But it made me think of Freddie.

How I love spending time with him so much, how I thought it was somewhat cute that he was being to thoughtful towards me, how he's trying so hard to help with John, staying over to make sure I'm alright...it made me forget about the fact that he had his own problems he was dealing with, yet he pushed those aside to help with mine.

Thinking of Freddie made me smile. I hoped that I could help him with Brian like he was with me.

And if he and Brian didn't work out, he'd definitely find somebody else.

Freddie was actually very handsome...I loved his dark hair, those eyes and his amazing smile and...

My mind stopped at that point and I let out a literal gasp as my eyes snapped open from their previously closed state.

No. I can't have.

I found myself thinking of Freddie in the same way I thought of John for a moment there.

I thought of him again...his laugh, those miraculous cheekbones...

I sat bolt upright in bed as I began to panic a little. I glanced over my room, although my door was shut I looked in the direction of Fred's room and let out a deep exhale.

Did I...did I have a crush on Freddie?