Freddie's P.O.V.

A stab to the heart and a prickling of nervous sweat, I laughed him off casually but I knew he meant every word.

I couldn't look at him.

"Not tonight, darling." I choked, wanting the ground to swallow me up.

There was an awkward silence, defeat on his side, guilt on mine. It wasn't the first time Brian had slyly suggested that I fuck him. I knew he was ready. I knew he wanted it. I knew he knew there was something the matter with me. I wasn't blind and I wasn't stupid.

But I just couldn't do that to him. I didn't want to.

I was letting him down, preventing our relationship from journeying to the next level...but when I looked at him, he was almost too innocent for such a thing.

I knew the dangers of not getting intimate with Brian...he'd possibly think I didn't find him sexually attractive. Maybe he thought he couldn't turn me on. He could get tired of waiting around for me and go and find a fuck elsewhere.

I was quite aware of all the bad outcomes.

Yet I couldn't think of any good ones.

But then again, thinking of the cons, they messed with my head. Yes, I found him sexually attractive. Of fucking course I did! I have done for years. So many lonely nights were spent fantasising about having the guitarist in my bed...yet here I was, he was laying next to me, in the bed, I had the prime chance and I was wasting every opportunity.

Yes, Brian could turn me on. So much so that I sometimes found it incredibly hard to resist him, I just wanted to throw him down on the bed and fuck his lights out because he seduced me so much...

And the single thought of Brian finding a fuck elsewhere with someone else broke my heart. That was the last thing I ever wanted to happen. I had vowed to be everything to him and give him anything he ever wanted...yet I couldn't give him a fuck.

I wasn't that I didn't want to, because I did. I might have gone for months and months without, my need for such a thing may have fizzled out a little but my desire to have Brian had never changed. I was annoyed with myself.

I turned over so that my back was facing him, I stared longingly into the open, dark room, wishing for him to stop this conversation and go to sleep.

"Why?" He asked, quietly.

My heart plummeted. Whenever this kind of conversation had cropped up before, I'd said no, and Brian left it. But he seemed determined to get some kind of answer out of me tonight.

Still, I never turned back to face him.

"I...I don't feel like it..." I lied, trying hard to will the semi hard on away, see, even the thoughts of having him turned me on, he wasn't the problem. I was.
My body wanted to, but my head didn't.

I felt him shuffling closer to me, "Tell me why. There has to be a reason."

"There's no reason. I'm just...tired. That's all." I lied, once again.

I heard him sigh lightly, "You've changed..."

That felt like a kick to the stomach, I turned onto my back again, "Of course I have...I'm no longer a slut who goes to clubs asking for it every night. I thought you might appreciate that." I said, a little coldly, feeling offended.

"I do, it's just...you've gone from one end of the spectrum to the other. Going out every night and having one night stands...then turning into this 40 year old house husband who would rather watch a programme about antiques than have sex." He joked, but he also meant it.

I cracked into a little smile at his description but he was right. It's not like I'd gradually stopped fucking as many people, I just stopped it all abruptly and I've never looked back. It was almost like being on a diet, going so long without chocolate that you get used to it, but when it's right in front of your nose and you're being told to eat it, you feel guilty, like you shouldn't...that's how I was feeling.

"I like antiques." I joked.

"Freddie." He laughed, making me look at him now, "Im not suggesting we fuck right this minute...I just want to know what's going up in here..." he tapped my head, "...because I know whatever it is, it's stopping you from giving in."

He was totally right, but I didn't know how to explain my reasons to him, it was going to sound stupid and almost pretend. He probably will think I'm lying just to cover up a real reason but...I felt like I would ruin him. And not in a sexual way...an emotional one.

I stared into his eyes that were desperate for my answer but the words wouldn't leave my mouth.

I looked away only to feel his fingers tilt my head back in his direction, gently.

"Tell me." He whispered, softly, affection in his eyes.

I swallowed hard and with a strained voice I tried to start explaining myself, "I...I don't want to taint you..." I struggled.

His eyebrows furrowed and he recoiled a little, "Taint me? Don't be silly!" He scoffed.

"No, Brian, listen. I just...I don't  know..." I sighed, "It doesn't matter..."

"No, it does, Fred. Explain."

"I don't know. It's stupid. Everybody I've ever touched or done anything with in the past have turned into some kind of...monster. They either came back for more but never wanted a relationship, just the sex...they'll be fucking someone else behind my back making me think I've finally found someone or they'll just disappear off the face of the earth entirely, never to be heard from ever again...."

"And you think that if you do something with me...I'll turn into one of those people." He figured it out quickly.

I nodded slightly, "I'm so fucking happy with you Bri...I don't want to ruin things."

"Freddie..." he sighed, a slight smile on his face, "You're just going on past experiences. Let's be honest, you've never had the most positive outcomes from a one night stand have you? It doesn't mean everyone from now on is going to be the same. Besides, I'm far more than just a one night stand." He said, softly, tapping my nose and making me smile.

He was right, he was so much more to me.

"I can assure you that when we finally get down to doing something, I will not betray you, I won't sleep with someone behind your back and I will not use you. You're the only one I want. So stop being so silly about it." He giggled, wrapping his arms around my body and spooning me, I could feel his heartbeat thumping against my back.

He'd very much put me at ease, I knew it was stupid to think that way in the first place, but when it's the only thing you've ever known, it's hard to think of a positive outcome.

A few hours past and sleep was yet to welcome me, I still had a lot on my mind. Brian had fallen asleep hours ago, softly breathing next to me, seeming very peaceful. Yet my head was so clouded I couldn't settle at all.

I wasn't as worried about getting intimate with Brian anymore, now he'd reassured me I was being silly and that he wouldn't walk out of my life after I've had sex with him, just like a lot of other people had done in the past. Surely I can't be that much of a bad fuck...but I was still apprehensive about the time it will happen...what would it be like? Would I be able to go through with it? I mean, of course I would but I would have to psych myself up for it mentally, not only would it be my first fuck in months, but a fuck I've been dreaming about for years, I'd have to make sure I wouldn't get too carried away and float off on cloud 9...but then again, having sex with Brian wasn't my only worry, I still wasn't that shallow anymore, but I still couldn't stop thinking about Roger and John. I had kind of made the decision to forget about the fact the Roger had ever kissed me, it was a mistake, I hoped, I didn't want to cause anymore arguments between any of us so I've just left it since it's happened, never mentioned it. Roger and I are okay, not the best friends we used to be, things are still a little awkward but our relationship is still a hell of a lot better than his and Deakys is. Roger still avoids the three of us most of the time but on rare occasions I can manage to get a forced conversation out of him, but when it comes to him speaking to John, he flat out refuses unless it's work related, I don't know why he's doing it, because I can see the yearn and the pain in his eyes every time I see him look at John. He wants him back, not that they've officially broken up yet but it was definitely going to happen, no doubt about that.

I sneakily slinked out of bed, careful not to disturb Bri and threw on some jeans and a T-shirt, figuring I probably wasn't going to sleep anytime soon I thought I'd take a walk, perhaps get a small drink in the bar downstairs.

I was surprised that I escaped the room without waking Brian and started to make my way towards the bar.

Exiting the lift on the ground floor and rounding the corner, there was a handful of people in the bar, it was very quiet, the exact atmosphere I was hoping for...that was until I caught a glimpse of Roger sat in a lonely corner on his own, slumped over his drink, looking like he'd been sat there for hours, drunk and depressed.