Roger's P.O.V.

I had escaped to the only place that I felt I could really be alone. It was a nostalgic place, one I had not been to for a while and I had missed it.
Although empty of any other people now, it had the risk of making my mental situation worse than it already was. I wanted to be alone but being alone also made room for my head to take control, my mind to tell me what I should be doing, and without anyone here to tell me otherwise, I had no choice but to listen to it.

I was sat at a table that many many conversations had been had at, naughty ones, serious ones, heartbreaking ones...with elbows on the table top and my fingers raking through my hair I couldn't stop my conscience from screaming at me that I had fucked up. Big time.

I never thought I would feel like this. I wanted to be happy for Freddie and Brian and I thought I would be. I wanted to be...but I wasn't. All these years of Fred fancying him and talking to me about him, helping him hatch plans to get Brian...even up until recently, making him go on that first date that he very nearly didn't go on. All of this...and I never for one second thought that any of it would actually work. That they'd end up dating...practically a couple.

Yes, I was jealous. Me and Freddie went so far back, we were best friends before knowing the other two and to have him snatched away from me suddenly, hurt a little. He was all over Brian, I know he must be in heaven as this is what he's dreamed of for countless years but I missed him. Even if we did live in the same house and saw each other everyday, since they'd been dating I've not had a proper conversation with Freddie and I was starting to resent Brian for stealing him from me. Which was stupid because he wasn't really stealing him...Freddie had been trying to talk to me but for some reason I just kept ignoring him, when I didn't want to. Besides, I probably did the same to him when I first got with John...that...and I was jealous of Brian. For being in the position he was, having all of Fred's attention, getting to date him and...kiss him...I guess I'd always had a soft spot for our frontman, I'd always found him attractive but always lusted over John more, those feelings never really surfaced, they didn't have to because Freddie didn't have anyone, there was nobody about to make me feel jealous, nobody there to take his attention away from me...John was always my number one because he had no competition.

Freddie was there at my expense.

But now Brian was his centre of focus, now Brian was holding his hand and doing whatever else...I was envious. I had always been overprotective and selfish with Freddie...and I know why now. I wanted all of his attention. I wanted him to be single so I had him all to myself.

I felt like shit for thinking this way, Deaky was the love of my life and he should be all I ever want. And he is...I just catch myself fantasising over what it could be like to have one evening alone with Freddie. And then I feel like shit again, for ever thinking that way and for casting John off to the side as if he wasn't enough for me. When he was, he was my everything but...I just couldn't help but wonder.

I was stuck in a pile of shit now as I'd dropped myself in it. 'Yes, so what if I am?' What the fuck was that?! Why couldn't I just say no. Protect my dignity rather than admitting to him that I was some kind of spoilt little cry baby who wanted Freddie all to himself, that didn't want him to have a boyfriend because secretly...I liked him. And I felt disgusting admitting that to myself. Felt awful for springing that on Freddie just when things were blossoming for him and Brian and now I'd probably made things awkward. Felt guilty for having a crush on somebody else other than my very own boyfriend.
My mind didn't know which way to turn.

I know what I should be doing. Forgetting about Freddie. Being happy for him and Brian and focusing on my relationship with Deaky.
But for some reason, I was finding it hard to think that way.

"Roger?!"

A voice springing through the silence made me jump, I contemplated keeping silent, not really wanting to be found, I didn't think anyone would find me here...but I'd obviously forgotten about one person. The guy that was making my head spin.

I heard footsteps echoing through the house and I sighed, knowing I was about to be found and that I was probably going to have to explain myself.

He gasped, "Roger...darling. There you are." His voice was so soothing.

I looked up at him when he had sat himself opposite me. Of course, out of anyone, it was bound to be Freddie to find me.

"How did you know where I was?" I asked quietly, not really wanting to talk as I returned to staring at the table top.

"It's my old house, Rog. You always used to come over here when you were sad or stressed about something. Which is how you're feeling now..." his voice was soft and caring, my heart yearned for him but my head was pulling me back.

Flashbacks of all the times together we had spent here flooded my mind, things weren't the same anymore. Now Charlie had been kicked out, I thought I'd take advantage of the free space before I would be denied to spend any more time here when another person moves in.

I swallowed hard.

"What's going on, Rog?" He had leaned forward, his voice a hush.

I shook my head a little.

"You've always told me everything. All the problems you're having, gossip...what makes this any different?" I felt his hand lay itself on top of mine, making a tingle travel through my body.

Because nothing I've told you before has ever been about you.

I stayed silent, wanting to talk but not knowing what to say.

He leaned back in his chair, retracting his hand and waited for a few seconds before coaxing me to talk again, "You don't like it...me and Brian..." less of a question, more of a statement.

I glanced up at him to see his dark eyes staring at me with a glint of sadness in them. In my selfish ways I'd never thought about how my attitude could be affecting the others.

"It's not that..." I said quietly.

"Then what is it? You never thought we'd work out...did you." He was sounding as upset as I did now.

I hated it. He could read me like a book.

I shook my head, "No..."

"So...what? Now things are happening between us..." he held his hands up and dropped them again, wanting me to fill in the blanks.

"I...I miss having you...to talk to. Since you've been seeing him...we haven't really spoken..." I forced myself to say, my cheeks burning with embarrassment.

I could feel his eyes on me and he leaned forward again, holding his head in his hand, "I've tried, Roger. You just don't want to talk to me back..."

"I know...I'm sorry. I guess I'm a little envious of...Brian getting all your attention." I allowed a guilty smile to slip from my lips.

I heard him let out a quiet breathy chuckle, "So is that it? You're a little jealous of all the time I'm spending with Brian? I'm sorry, too, Rog. I shouldn't have been ignoring you, I guess I'm just so excited things are finally happening I'm pushing everything and everyone to the side."

I shook my head, feeling awful, "No, Fred. Ignore me, you should be all over him, you've wanted this for years, don't let my spoilt brat ways put you off." I did want him to be happy, he deserved to be after all he's done for me.

He smiled, "But I don't want Brian if it means loosing you."

"Soppy fucker." I joked, feeling a pang of sadness.

"What's getting you so angry though? You're not usually like this." He asked sympathetically.

He knew there was something more.
I stared at him, trying to find the words.

"What exactly is it that your envious of? Brian getting to spend the most time with me or..." his eyebrows furrowed, "...Brian dating me?"
He looked at me worriedly.

Shit.

I could hear my heart beat hammering away in my ears, I was sure it was audible enough for Freddie to hear it too, I stared at him in utter disbelief. How the fuck was I supposed to answer this? Tell the truth and ruin everything for everyone or lie and continue to be bitter?

"It's just something that...that Bri mentioned a while ago and, and I haven't been able to get it out of my head. Whatever it is Rog, it won't make us strangers y'know...I-I just want to make this better..." he rambled, going off on a tangent, while obviously bashful about the whole situation.

"Wh-what do you mean?" I stammered awkwardly, knowing exactly what he meant, but just wanting to buy some time.

He looked away from me, sucking in his cheeks and bracing himself for his own words, "This is going to sound absolutely ridiculous..." he sighed, running his fingers through his midnight black hair, "Do you fancy me?" He blurted quickly, not looking at me.

His red face and his awkward tone of voice made me smile, he was certainly very uncomfortable about this situation and in a way, for this previous sex magnet to be acting innocently about somebody having a crush on him...was kind of cute.

But I had no chance of an escape now, if I lied, I wouldn't be fixing anything, there would still be something wrong with me and eventually, some time down the line, the truth would have to come out. I should just get it over with now. So this patch could get covered and we could move on and forget that this all happened sooner rather than later.

But what would it mean? If I told him yes...Deaky would never ever find out, I'd make him promise that. Maybe I would also make him promise not to tell Brian either so it wouldn't jeopardise them. Maybe it was just something we kept between ourselves and agreed to never speak about again.

I glanced at him and he was looking at me pleadingly. Desperate for me to end this situation for him.

I shook my head, red faced and slightly smiling, "Sort of..." I shrugged, wanting the ground to swallow me up.

He stared at me with a look of shock on his face, his cheeks burning pink and his mouth slightly open, his teeth over his bottom lip, "Sort of?" He repeated, amused.

I let my head bang against the table top where I refused to look at him what with this huge amount of embarrassment, "Shush." I groaned.

"I fucking knew it." He whispered under his breath.

I lifted my head up a little and he looked at me, fighting back a giggle.

"Not that I believed it. Not for a second. Saying that though...I've seen the way you look at me." He raised an eyebrow, leaning back in his chair, licking his lips teasingly.

"Oh, fuck off!" I laughed, hiding my face again.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Hey, listen to me." He ruffled my hair and I reluctantly looked up at him again, "Now that you've made me blush like a little girl and made me feel ever so slightly awkward...I'm not going to bloody cut you out of my life, because that's what you thought I'd do...wasn't it." He smirked a little.

I nodded sheepishly, thinking that this would end in some kind of colossal argument where myself and Freddie would hate each other.

He smiled, "You idiot. This is weird, I'll give you that. Nothing I can't cope with, I've got people everywhere I go lusting after me, makes no difference to me." He shrugged, jokingly.

"I fucking hate you." I shook my head, chuckling but also appreciating how hard Freddie was trying to make this seem like nothing at all.

"No but seriously, Rog. I kinda got the feeling you did, when I started to see Brian properly you didn't seem to really like it. But I hope Brian won't come between us, he's the one I want, darling...I want you to be happy for me." His voice lowered and he looked at me with plead in his eyes. Making it crystal clear that he wasn't about to drop all plans and come running to me just because I might have a bit of a fancy for him. Which I wanted, I wasn't about to leave Deaky for him either, it wasn't that much of a like...

I smiled, "I am happy for you, Fred. I promise. I didn't start helping you two get together for nothing. I just miss your company..." I smiled, drawing little patterns on the table.

"Well then let's make up for the time we've lost out on over these past weeks, shall we?" He winked, getting up, "Let's go for a beer?" He suggested.

I grinned, getting up, nodding my head.

"I need to get out of this house. It gives me the creeps after he's poisoned it." He added as we walked out and he locked the door.

"We had some good times in this house though." I smiled, looking up at it from outside.

"True. We did. I will never forget the look on your face that night we had a wild party and you walked into my bedroom to find me in bed with somebody." He cracked out laughing as we started to walk down the street and into town.

I shuddered, recollecting that night, "That was disgusting. I am still scarred." I giggled, "What about the time where Patricia was still fucking obsessed with me so because she wouldn't leave me alone I said I'd moved house and gave her your address instead?!" I slapped my thigh in hysterics.

"Roger! Do you know how many nights she came round to check to see if you were in?! No matter how many times I told her you didn't fucking live there, I was about to go insane!"

"Those were the days..." I smiled happily.

"Don't get nostalgic on me, we can still have times like those." He nudged me cheekily.

Maybe right this second was the first time, and hopefully last time, that I realised being in a relationship was quite restricting. I couldn't do half of the shocking things I used to do when I was single and free...I sort of missed it. But then again, I loved John to bits. I was just feeling so confused about life at the moment.

"Oh and by the way, this isn't a fucking date." He teased, giggling.

I groaned, "You're never going to let this go now, are you?"

"Certainly not."

On one hand I enjoyed that Freddie wasn't just disregarding the fact that I had just told him I fancy him, although he was making it into some kind of joke and was teasing me about it, it was a lot bloody better than us being awkward and tiptoeing around each other, this really wasn't going to phase us in the slightest. He wasn't going to let it because I could already tell that he was determined to keep himself focused on Brian and me focused on John. But on the other hand, a tiny little bit of me was hurting, a tiny bit of me wanted him to take advantage, flirt and drop little one liners but I knew that would be wrong, this way was so much safer for everyone.

"I would certainly be in the dog house if it was. And, no fucking word of this to Deaky otherwise he'll disown me. Promise?" I said, desperately.

"With my heart." He lay his hand on his chest.

"Or Brian."

"Or Brian?" He asked.

I shook my head, "If neither of them know then there's nothing in the way for anybody."

He pondered a little, I could tell he wanted to tell Brian seeing as though it was Brian who thought this up first anyway.

"Alright, fine. I guess you're right." He finally agreed.

I let out a sigh of relief.

"On a scale of one to ten how fucked do you want to get tonight? A catch up beer or a catch up session?" He asked with a huge smirk on his face once we could hear the commotion of the night owls in the town and could see the entrance to The Mill in the distance.

I grinned thinking about all the wild nights me and Freddie used to have and wanting to relive one just for tonight, "A catch up session."