Sergio

'You still have the gift of life which God gave you. Don't ever take that for granted', the pastor explained to me.

Since finding myself stuck in the hospital for days, this man assigned himself to me, because no doctor or counsellor or therapist would. After all, who wanted to be associated with a high-profile muck-up?

For days, I moped on in his office about everything in my life going to shit. As usual, he disagreed with everything I had to say.

'God? God abandoned me a long time ago. I don't think He has anymore use for me', I scoffed.

'Sergio', the pastor's voice deepened, 'do you think it a coincidence that the bullet jammed when you held it to your head? And was it just chance that a friend broke into your house to save you from yourself?'

'I don't – know'.

'Every year, men like you succeed in taking their lives. Some of these men, I find before they even do it. Out of all of them, why was your life spared? Can you explain that?'

'No. I can't'.

'Well, I can', the pastor responded gleefully, 'where you couldn't do it for yourself... someone has been interceding for you'.

In my hand I clenched tightly onto my daughter's watch, her favorite gadget in the world. Layla. I missed her so much.

That evening, I occupied the back of the airy church hall. Shakily standing, I dragged myself to the front of the room. The alter. Five police officers, and Maria... all dead because of me. I put their lives at risk on the field, knowing the danger they faced just to protect myself and my family.

"Dear God..." In the face of hopelessness, I made the effort to pray, but couldn't even bring my voice to utter a word. The pastor was right.