Reviewer Team:
Team Alexandrite [jasmine_r22 and sapphiresnow_]

Book: Devoted

Author: fire_dragon_24

Chapters read: 15

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Hello,

This is Jasmine and Sapphire.
First of all, thank you for choosing Alexandrite, we really appreciate it. As reviewers, our work is to let you know where you lack and how can you make your story better.

Our reviews are solely based on your book. We aren't here to judge your or your writing skills, because we believe there's always a room for improvement. Still, if we hurt you with rude or harsh criticism, then we sincerely apologise.

And please feel to free share your thoughts on the review. If you find anything wrong with our review or need our help in any case, please feel free to reach us. You can either leave a comment here or DM any of us. Thank you.

-Alexandrite ❤️

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// Cover //

A simple yet eye-catchy cover. As a vector cover, at first, it looks too simple but the Lily on her heart made it stand out. But the size of the flower is a little large. Fonts are simple and good.

Although it's a good cover, but it doesn't reveal much about the story.

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//  Title  //

'Devoted' - an interesting title. No doubt, the title looks quite appealing, but it doesn't go well with the theme of the book.

A title tells us what's the story about. But we couldn't find any link between the title and the story. Lily, the MC isn't someone who is devoted to her boyfriend or it's also not like that everyone thinks that she's devoted to her boyfriend or something. So, the title doesn't fit into the story.

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// Blurb //

Blurb is the most important part of the book after a title. It helps to build up curiosity in readers' minds.

But here, it's more like a summary of the story than a blurb. Insightful but not interesting enough— to build up curiosity. There is no sort of curiosity left behind to pull a reader into the book. Though the tattoo is used as an attraction, the less mention of it, couldn't draw much attention.

Further, the excerpt which is written in the blurb would have done wonders if it was written as a prologue. It had the potential to attract readers. So, rather than starting the book with the first chapter, you could have used the excerpt as a prologue.

Cover, title, blurb, and prologue are key points of a book. So, it's important to focus on those small aspects as those small key points help to attract readers.

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// Plot & Storyline //

The main theme of the book is 'abuse'— the key point of the story.

Although it's a common plot where the female lead is abused by the antagonist, she is bound to stay with him and cannot speak against him. She meets the male protagonist who keeps on pushing himself in her life as something in her attracts him towards her.

Further in the story, he gets to know about her being abused and helps her out, and brings back a normal life for her. While the female lead distance herself from the male lead imagining him to be a bad boy who suddenly entered her life without her permission along with
his friends, who eventually became her best friends knowing the past life of the male lead and in process of healing each other, both end up falling for each other.

A writer can turn a simple plot into a beautiful story by the way he builds the story and brings out the emotions of characters and show the development of the main theme along with the characters.

It's not just a storyline that moves around, even the characters play a vital role.

The plot revolves around Lily and Asher while Carter isn't even around in the half of the book being the antagonist and the abuser. As mentioned in the blurb, Lily and Asher met each other through a dodgeball match where  Lily gets injured while saving Asher and the injury caught his eyes which attracted him towards her.

The sudden savior became his attraction because her bleeding seemed mysterious. To know more about Lily, Asher forwarded ten conditions to be followed.

As readers what surprised us was how she quickly agreed, knowing that he belongs to a bad boys gang.

Moving further, she's all comfortable with his friends, allowing them to hug her, spend a day out with them, have a sleepover while looking at them at their casuals, but suddenly she realizes the fact that they can rape her! That's more confusing and the boys never seemed like bad ones.

They didn't even question her much when they saw the injuries on her shoulders and understood the fact of her being abused. Lily even forgot about Carter being around them like he doesn't even exist.

Her feelings are too surprising like for a minute she feels butterflies by Asher's touch, and the next minute she feels he will rape her or abuse her.

The plot is somewhat rushed, the emotions are lacking. Asher and Carter's face-off was very quick and as readers, we couldn't even understand how Asher and his friends entered inside and took Lily with them.

The next morning, Lily was so fit and fine that she was all set ready to punch Asher while the previous night she was unconscious and lost blood and wasn't even treated by a doctor. It seems too unrealistic and illogical.

Further, the revelation of Asher's siblings is too fast and rushed up. Their talk could have more potential and it's a point of releasing the pain of an abuser. But again the part ended up with them flirting with each other. While there was not much of a role for his friends.

The plot could be shown in a better way by explaining the characters and the storyline. Half of the book was more into friendship and love which is too sudden, there's hardly any mention of tattoos or Carter.

Chapters moved around with male and female leads and the antagonist had no role anywhere. The ways of his abuse are also unclear to the readers.

He puts on weight, uses a knife, and Lily starts bleeding - that's all we got to know in the book. There is nothing more than that. You could have to use the main theme in a better way by explaining and describing the situation and showing the pain and angst of the main character.

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// Characters Development //

The story is about an abused girl meeting the school's bad boy and falling in love with him.  Lily who is abused by her boyfriend, saves the school's bad boy in a dodge ball session, because of which he suddenly becomes interested in her life.

Well, it's quite a common and kinda cliché plot for a teen romance story. This isn't something new to read, but characters are what makes a story different from other stories.

And as reviewers and readers, we are disheartened to say the story lacks emotions. A character's growth depends on its emotional growth. And Lily's character lacks emotional growth.

It's mostly because of the poor execution of the story. Abuse is also important and integral part of this story but it's not properly used. There are just a few scenes of abuse and it's also quite rushed. Because of that, her character couldn't justify emotions like fear, pain, anger, anxiety, angst etc.

Her character growth is also quite unstable. Like how easily she agreed with Asher's demands and went with all boys for a sleepover then to the amusement park without thinking much. Then suddenly, she thinks that Asher is going to rape her or abuse her?

For a person who is being abused, it doesn't make sense. It mostly because of the lack of communication. The conversations between characters are minimum. Most of the things are described because of which the bond between characters seems a little dull.

Coming to Carter's characters, he's the abuser and MC's invisible boyfriend. We didn't feel his presence in the story, he just pops out of nowhere when it's needed for the storyline. Other than that, he's pretty much invisible. And there's hardly any scene between MC and him, which makes us question the actual plot of the story.

About Asher and his friends, they are bad boys but why? Because they are just four handsome talented boys, who are adored by the girls and hated by the boys. But there's no actual reason why are they called bad boys! There are just bad boys for the story. Pretty lame!

That's what we thought after reading the story. Asher and his friends Cole, Ryan, and Jason's characters are good but don't leave an- impression on us as readers. And like Carter's character, Asher's friends only appears when they needed.

Even though Jason treats Lily like his best friend, but it seems too forced. Same with other characters, the bonds between characters lack emotions and also seem quite forced for some reason.

The story mostly revolves around Lily and Asher, they are the main characters so it is understandable. But at the same, it's important to show their growth around other side characters. But here, most of the side characters are pretty much invisible. Specifically, Carter, who plays an important role in the story.

So to make your characters better show their emotional growth, by adding more conversation of the characters in the story. Rather than just describing their situation, it would be more enjoyable if you add their conversation.

The lack of communication made the bond between characters seems dull and forced.

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// Grammar //

From a grammatical point, there are quite noticeable and simple errors/mistakes in the story. Simple proofreading would help you to correct those mistakes.

There's no doubt that you have a good grip on grammar. The scenes are well described, the sentences are well constructed. From a grammatical point, the story improves with each chapter. But due to the lack of dialogues between characters, the story seems a little dull.

But there are a few things we noticed, the way of writing dialogues is a little weird.

For example :

You don't need to write dialogues separately like this. Because sometimes it's confusing to understand who's talking and who's replying, especially when there are more than two people. Even we noticed you used - yelled out a, dragged out a - a few times. The phrase seems a little odd and doesn't fit right.

Try to write those kinds of dialogue in one line. It seems odd to start at one point and end it at another point. You can write it like this ;

"We did?" Ryan and Jason looked at  each other with confusion and asked in unison.

The phrase is more suitable. We do not doubt that you can improvise yourself if you work harder.

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// Payment //

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- Give a feedback on 'Fortune Cookies' by sapphiresnow_

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