"There is one who you belong to,
Whose love- there is no song for.
And though you know it's wrongful,
There is someone else you long for."

*****************

Lilly's POV

"What do you mean you didn't find him?"

The words and the furiousness that followed them had me snapping my head toward dad's direction as he talked through the phone. My heart seized and panic rushed through my chest as I understood who he must be talking about.

"Roman, don't make me lose my mind now," He snapped and got to his feet, he rushed a hand over his face, "I don't care...I told you...Roman, I am so gonna kill you," He threatened frustrated as he listened to whatever uncle Roman must've said. He cursed something under his breath, "He is just a fucking professor, where would he hide, huh?"

Oh my god...what did I do again?

He listened to whatever Roman was saying and his gaze drifted and fell on me, his gaze cautious and calculating, and I couldn't miss the flicker of blame in them, like he knows it's all my fault. I did this again. I gave him the chance to escape; I could swear dad felt it.

He rubbed a hand over the back of his neck, and his gaze flickered away from me, "Yeah, I know, Emma told me she got here an hour ago," He added, "Yeah, well, sometimes she knows how to do things better than you," He added with a roll of his eyes.

What should I do? How can I fix this?

"No, they'll do the surgery tomorrow," He said with a tired sigh, "Okay, keep me updated."

My hand shook so I curled into a fist, trying my best not to expose my panic and fear. He hung up and I let my gaze drift away from him and around. Mom and auntie Katherine were talking about something, mostly discussing Max and his situation. Chase had left last night since he had a flight, and said he'll be back today. That other man disappeared this morning and I haven't seen him since, which is great, he better just make the surgery, save my brother, and leave.

The sound of footsteps nearing shook me out of that thought and had me turning my head. My gaze fell on dad, his eyes on me only and before I could say a thing, his hand curled over my wrist, pulling me up from my seat. My eyes widened at his sudden action, "Come here," He mumbled, his voice more of a hiss as he dragged me away.

My breath caught in my throat and fear consumed me whole. I never thought I'd be scared of him, I never expected to reach a stage where my own dad causes me fear, but here I am. He paused to a stop when we were far away from mom and he faced me, his voice was normal but behind each word was a sense of warning, "You told him, didn't you?"

I stared back at him, silent and terrified of his reaction. My lack of words had him turning his gaze away, the muscles of his jaw worked and I knew he was trying his best to stay calm, "I was being sarcastic when I said it, but," He looked back at me and rubbed a frustrated hand over his chin, "But you actually went and warned him, didn't you?"

How could I say it, without having him hate me more? How could I explain everything? God, I am terrified of his hate. That raged look in his eyes looks so much like hate and blame. He said he won't forgive me, if I tell him this now, how could he ever forgive me?

My lips parted, ready to talk, but words clogged my throat. I felt my eyes watering and I mumbled, "Dad, I..."

"Don't lie again, Lilly, don't you dare lie," He warned, his words strict, "Roman looked into his phone calls; you called him," My heart stopped beating, "I know you called him, and then he just disappeared, what did you tell him?"

I shook my head, trying to defend myself, "I swear I didn't mean to, dad, I swear I didn't warn him, I was just-"

He shook his head in disbelief and took a step backward, "You see I am just...I am not able to process this," The shock in his tone and eyes was more evident than the anger, "I can't understand you, Lilly, just make me understand," He looked at me as if trying to figure out who I am, "Do you not care about your brother?"

"Of course I do, why...why do you keep saying that," I cried out, hurt at his accusation once again.

"It's what your actions say!" He snapped, bewildered, "Someone hurt Max, Lilly, they beat him up, they stabbed him, you didn't see him, I did," Hurt and pain flared in his eyes, his voice thick with all these unwanted emotions and at that moment I realized, I've probably hurt him the most, just like Christian wanted, "I saw my son drowning in his own blood, do you know how that felt like?!"

I looked away, unable to handle his words and the image they drew in my head, "So, no, apparently you don't care about your brother, or else you would've not lied to me, you would've not gone and warned Christian!" His anger multiplied and he took a step forward, "Who are you?" His hand grabbed my arm, stopping me from walking backward, from running away, I winced and pressed my eyes shut, "Because you can't be my daughter."

Tears fell through and when I opened my eyes, he was staring back at me with pure hurt, shock, disappointment and at the moment, I felt nothing could ever fix this broken bond, "You can't be my little girl," His voice lowered and he let go of my arm, "She would've never done this."

He pulled into a calming breath and rushed a hand over his face before he strictly asked, "Where is he?"

I shook my head, "I don't know."

"Lilly, tell me, where did he go?"

I shook my head again, "I swear I don't know, I don't-" Tears fell, draining me, multiplying the pain surging through my veins and pressing over my stomach, where it harbored something I didn't want; a thought I couldn't stand. The paper of the blood test I made this morning is burning in my pocket, I haven't opened it yet, I don't plan to open it just yet.

"Please dad, believe me, I don't know."

He shook his head, "How can I believe you after this, how do you expect me to trust you?"

I sniffled and wiped my cheeks, the pain pressing over my inside made my legs wobbly, but I stood my ground, trying not to reflect my pain and weakness, "It's not Christian," I mumbled, that part I know, "He didn't hurt Max."

He shook his head, "That's not for you to decide, you're too blinded by him, I won't trust your judgment," His eyebrows pulled closer, "But it was him, wasn't it?" He questioned, already knowing the answer to his next question, "He's the one who told you everything."

He was too sure of it and I couldn't deny it anymore.

I nodded my head, "Yes."

He can't hate me more than he already does, so what's the point of hiding it anymore.

Even though he seemed to expect that, a bit of shock flashed through the brown of his eyes, like he wished with everything he wasn't right. For the slightest second, his eyes softened before strictness rushed back, "Why?"

I rubbed a hand over my aching throat, "You killed his father," I mumbled, and right then I heard footsteps slow down right behind me. The chill that rushed through my body made me sure it's that man again. His overbearing presence gets me feeling like this, all types of uncomfortable and on edge.

I turned my head to see his confused questioning gaze drift from me to dad, trying to understand what I was talking about. I immediately moved away from him, keeping distance, and looked back at dad, who seemed to be thinking, calculating and it didn't take him long till the realization consumed his whole expression, "You asked about Lucas," He mumbled, remembering, connecting the dots and figuring it all out on his own.

Lines etched his forehead and he looked back at that man, "How is...how is this even possible?"

He shook his head, in his green eyes that same shocked disbelief, "I thought," He rubbed a hand at the side of his neck, and my eyes followed his movement, falling into a scar that ran from behind his ear, down the side of his neck and my breath caught in my throat, it felt like a deja-vu, like I've seen it before.

I immediately shook my head, kicking the thought away, "I thought Chris..." he winced, as if the name brought unwanted memories, his eyelids closed for a mere second and his jaw tightened, "Fucking hell, I thought Chris died in the explosion."

Dad's eyebrows pulled closer, "How did he even know...about all of this?" His gaze drifted to me, "You said you saw it, how?"

"He had videos, papers, a DNA test,..." I mumbled, remembering everything Christian showed me.

Dad and his brother looked at each other, as if something just clicked. Dad scoffed and Nikolas rubbed a hand over his face, his whole being vibrated with anger, it tightened his jaw and darkened his eyes. The man looked ready to kill. If I thought dad is a monster after watching those videos, I could only wonder what type of monster this man is.

"Well, there was one person who used to watch everyone and document everything," Dad mumbled, his tone a bit sarcastic and his eyebrow raised, "And the DNA test-" He stopped there and that man looked to be doing his best not to lose control and break something.

"Unbelievable," He grated out through clenched teeth and raked a frustrated hand through his hair, hair still so dark, age didn't leave its print on it yet, "Even dead, he still haunts our fucking life, doesn't he?"

Who?

Dad inched closer to that man, his words carefully measured, "Just because he is Chris, that doesn't mean I am gonna let him go, Nikolas-"

Nikolas immediately shook his head, flaming fire snapped all the logic from his eyes, "It means shit, he hurt Max, he crossed a line, and he will die for it!"

Dad nodded, satisfied at the response and I shook my head in disbelief, "Because that's just the answer for everything for you two, isn't it?"

Both of their eyes went to me, dad sighed, "No one asked for your opinion," he said, too tired of arguing with me, "Go back there," he ordered, pointing at where mom and the others are sitting.

I stepped forward toward them and accusation flared in my words, "You know that by this, you are just proving him right."

Dad looked like he wanted to drag me away from them again, too fed up with everything I do or say, while Nikolas shook his head, "Lilly, you're too young to understand this, this is not your fight," He warned me, as if he knew how badly I wanted to be the one to fix this, because it was partially my fault, "So, don't interfere."

"But, it's wrong," It's too wrong to make sense of, "You can't be the judge, jury, and executioner," I shook my head, "It's not how this world works."

"It's how our world work," He said, so casually.

My jaw tightened, "Then, I refuse to be part of that world."

"Believe me, we did everything to keep you out of it," His jaw ticked, "But here we are."

I wasn't gonna try and reason with this man. I don't think he listens to logic. So, I turned to dad and tried to reach for the human in him, for the man who raised me with love and compassion, "If he is not the one who hurt Max, will you really kill him?"

"He used you, Lilly, and just for that, he gave himself a death sentence," The words left his mouth so effortlessly, like he didn't need to even consider other options.

I shook my head, still in a haze, still unable to understand he is the same man who raised me, the one I wanted to be like in everything, the one with a heart so soft and pure. This man wasn't him, he can't be one and the same.

My gaze drifted to Nikolas then back to dad, "But he is still alive," I pointed out, "He did worse, much much worse, and here he is, alive, breathing, why?" I saw it in dad's eyes, I hit a very sensitive spot, but I didn't stop, "Shouldn't he get that same death sentence you're talking about?"

My words had Nikolas looking away, no comment came from him at the moment while dad's eyes dimmed a bit, "Lilly, go back inside," his voice was low, "There is a lot you don't know, and a lot you won't understand."

"You're not making me understand."

"Don't...just don't," He stressed out, his voice still low, so badly searching for control, "Go back in there and stop interfering, this is my fight and I will deal with it the way I should, all I am asking you to do is just stop," I didn't want to trigger him more, because I saw in his eyes how tired he is so I backed away, "And don't think of even calling him again, Lilly, or else-"

"Or else what?" I mumbled, my voice low, but he heard them nevertheless, "You'll hit me again?"

Nikolas's shocked eyes snapped to dad, "You did what?"

"Shut up you," Dad hissed at him, rolling his eyes.

Right when I was about to turn and walk away, Wyatt's voice or the specific words he said had me pausing, "Look, uncle Nik is here!"

Uncle Nik?

I whirled around, my eyes falling on Wyatt as he came to a stop beside them, his mother right behind him. Nikolas's eyes fell on the boy and he gave him a small smile, "Hey buddy," He said, placing his arm around his shoulder.

So everyone knew this man existed, except me and Max? Unbelievable.

Wyatt's eyes drifted to dad, concern flared in them, and his eyebrows pulled closer as he asked, "How is Max?"

"He will be fine," Dad said, assuring himself before anyone else.

His gaze drifted from dad and to me, he gave me a small boyish smile, "Hey," he said lowly and I smiled in return. His eyes were just like uncle Roman's, green and hazel, all mixed in one. His hair a very light brown, almost dirty blonde. He was around two years younger than Max, which made him at the end of fifteen or the beginning of sixteen.

Emma took a stop beside that Nikolas, her hand on his arm, she rubbed at it soothingly as she said something to him. He replied back but I couldn't hear what they were talking about. Her gaze went to dad and she stepped closer to him, "Hey, sorry we couldn't come before," She sighed, "But you know, I can't leave Roman alone or else he messes everything up," She added playfully and dad scoffed, "Tell me about it."

"Any new leads?" She asked.

Wyatt came to my side, he asked about Max and I answered, but most of my attention was on those three as they talked.

"Yeah, the biggest of them all," Dad mumbled, the thought annoying him like anything, "Christian is Lucas's son."

"Lu-Lucas...as in Lucas Lucas?" Emma said, her eyes widening, the news shocking to her as well, "Jesus Christ, the last thing I expected about Christian is that I've slept with his father, whew!"

What?

Dad shot her a glare, so did Nikolas. She gave them a guilty smile in return, "Sorry, sorry, not the time, I know," She looked around, "Thank god Roman isn't here, I would've not heard the end of this," She added, pressing a hand to her forehead.

She looked at Wyatt and her eyebrow raised, "Wyatt, you didn't happen to hear anything, did you?"

He gave her a wink, "Nope mom, nothing."

Her smile widened, "Ah, that's my boy!"

I looked away from them, my hand on Wyatt's arm, pulling him along, "Hey, why...why did you call Nikolas uncle?" I asked, starting my investigation.

He gave me a duh-look, "Because he is my uncle," his answer had my eyebrows tightening and he carried on me, explaining, "He's my mother's brother."

I shook my head, "That doesn't make much sense to me right now."

He looked at me, a bit confused, and my eyes narrowed at him, "You know a lot of things, don't you?"

A small smile broke down his features, "Come on, Lilly," He gave me a proud look, "I know everything."

Oh, he is a little devil. I dragged him with me and forced him to spill out everything he knows.

*************

A couple of hours later....

There is something seriously wrong with my health. So very wrong. Especially in the last two days. It's no longer just signs of being pregnant. I have a feeling it's more.

The cramps tightening my stomach can't be normal. They're so painful, ever so slowly ripping at my insides. I couldn't sleep all night, not just worried about Max, like every day, but this immense pain couldn't let me close my eyes for even a mere second.

This morning, I found a few blood droplets, and the sight of them had my panic rising to a whole new level. I was so scared, terrified even of what I read when I searched the internet for the signs, so the first thing I did when I got to the hospital was take a blood test and book an appointment with a gynecologist, just right before dad talked to me and got to know almost everything about Christian.

Almost everything...

He doesn't know about this child that's probably inside of me. I can only imagine his reaction. If he wanted to kill Christian with such a passion, what would he think of his child. So before he knows, before he decides for me, I need to do this...fix this on my own.

Now, I've been standing by the doctor's office for more than ten minutes, unable to get inside and face this, and at the same time, unable to leave. Every nerve in my being shaking with both pain and pure terror. My eyes burned as I fought back tears, tears of betrayal, of being played with and used for two years, of being lied to for twenty years. Tears for my little brother who is still fighting for his life just a few floors away.

I swallowed them all back and knocked on the door politely before I got in. The doctor got up from his seat and greeted me, "Ms. Dolan, come in please, I was waiting for you," He said, offering me a small smile.

He asked a few questions, easing me in, and probably sensing my level of discomfort before he said, "The nurse sent me the results of your test," His gaze falling on the computer's screen, he skimmed through the words and he nodded his head, understanding.

His eyes fell on me and I tried to read his expression, a million questions roamed my head; what, is it positive, is it negative? what is it? "If you don't mind, I am gonna have to make an ultrasound," He said, giving me a small reassuring smile. I gulped down and nodded, his words placing me right on the edge.

He got to his feet and ushered me to follow him toward the other section of his office. He asked me to lay down and I did, somehow I did, with my body shaking and my legs all wobbly and light.

He placed some gel over my stomach; the sensation and the whole situation had me curling my shaking hand into a fist on the side. The doctor noticed it, "Don't worry," he said, arching an eyebrow and trying to let his tone be playful, "This is just a normal procedure."

"I am sorry," I swallowed hard, "I am just nervous."

He nodded as he moved the thing over my stomach and looked at the screen, "Do you have anyone with you here?" He asked, a hint of concern in his voice. I only shook my head in return, "No, it's just me."

He nodded in understatement and when he looked at me, he asked, "Did you know you were pregnant?"

Were?

My heart skipped a beat, "I had a hunch."

He wiped the thing from over my stomach and ushered me to sit straight, giving me his full attention as he talked, more seriously now, "I am sorry to say this, but the placenta has developed abnormally," he started, trying to soften the blow at first, "The blood couldn't reach the fetus, so it...died."

My nails dug into my palm, too hard till they hurt, "Now, this all happened very recently, so all we have to do is just a very small operation, you won't feel a thing, just to get rid of the residuals, since they weren't normally passed; we call this operation a curettage," He tried to explain the procedure to me, but it was like he wasn't speaking English, I didn't...understand.

I don't want to understand.

I tried with whatever courage I had left in me to get a grip over myself as I asked, "When should..." I rubbed a hand over my burning throat, "When should I do it?"

"The sooner, the better, to avoid any infections," He stated, "Tomorrow morning could be an option, I am available, so we can arrange it accordingly, if you want."

But, but Max's surgery. I need to be there when he gets out.

"How long does it take?"

He shook his head, "It's pretty simple and easy, it won't take much time, we will also be applying regional anesthesia only, so after it, you require an hour or two for recovery and then you can go home," He carried on and neither my brain nor my heart was functioning the way they're supposed to, the one responsible for pumping blood probably stopped, and the one that forms thoughts took a sudden pause, malfunctioning, "It would be better if you would have someone with you," He suggested, and I could feel his pitty on me, "You won't be able to drive after and it's recommended to just rest and not exert effort after it, you know, just in case."

I nodded my head and he carried on explaining everything about the procedure, what do to before and after and what not, trying to make the whole process sound so easy and simple.

I half-listened to him and the other half of my brain got lost somewhere. It's weird. This feeling, it's so weird. It felt like I got something but right at the same moment, it was taken away from me.

I didn't want this child. I said it. I thought about it a million time since I first suspected it.

His father didn't want him either.

He was doomed to come into this world, anyway.

If he wasn't dead already. If I had the enough courage, I would've probably done it myself.

I would've probably...killed him.

Right?

I am not my mother. Dad said it himself, I am not like her. I am not that strong. I can't keep a child from a man who ruined my life.

How can I?

Then, why...why does it hurt? How can it hurt this much?

I didn't understand how my legs walked me out of his office and out of the whole hospital, searching for air, for oxygen to fill my suffocating lungs.

Everything that happened, everything that is still happening crashed on me with full force. It pressed over my heart, tearing it into little tiny pieces.

I gasped for one normal breath, and my legs pulled me down, further and further down. My back pressed against the hospital's building and I sat there, on the ground, on the side, away from people's eyes as I broke down.

I cried. From somewhere deep down in me, from a very dark place in my mind, from a terribly bruised wound in my heart, I cried.

Tears rushed with a force, scrolling down my cheeks, unstoppable, uncontainable and blurring my vision. I hugged myself, my arms pressing over my stomach, trying to hold into whatever was left of me.

I wanted one thing only. I wanted my dad. I wanted my mom. I wanted them to hug me, to tell me it's gonna be okay. I wanted their soft words and their tender touch.

I wanted to feel that I am home. I want my home. I have no home, no place to go. No one to run to. No one to lean into.

I've never felt so alone.

So lost.

I just wanted my dad. I wanted him to call me his little bug again, I wanted him to hug me so tight and erase all those bad images from my mind. To kiss my head and whisper that he will fix it all, he will make it okay again.

They are here, right here, just a few miles separating us, yet I've never felt further away from them.

Christian did this. I did this.

I did this. Me. It's all on me.

I had the perfect life. The perfect family. The perfect boyfriend.

The perfect lie. It was all just a lie.

I felt a gentle touch over my arm, shaking me back in. I lifted my head up and blinked through my tears. Dashed lines blurred until they formed a solid one.

A blue one.

Concern radiated off his gaze in waves, it must be quite the scene, me breaking down, by the hospital's entrance, in the middle of the day.

I didn't think. I didn't want to think. Pain overpowered every sense in me, a sob tore up my throat and I pushed myself forward, crashing into his embrace. My arms wrapped around his neck, tight, so tight.

He was hesitant at first, maybe shocked by my sudden action before I felt his arms wrap around my back, engulfing me into their warm tight embrace.

I buried my head into his shoulder and let all my tears and pain out, "Please don't let go," I mumbled, begging him, "Not yet."

Just hold me for a minute. Just a minute.

He didn't say a thing, he only tightened his arm around me. One hand cradled the back of my head and I buried myself deeper into his hold, clutching into him like he was my last breath.

I felt him, after so long. I can feel him now. He's here. Actually physically here. For five years, he was like a ghost to me. Hunting me and my subconscious.

I could finally smell him again. He smelled like home. He felt like home. So familiar. So safe. So heartbreaking.

"I deserve this, don't I?" I mumbled into his shoulder, "I am being punished." I added and edged my head back a fraction so I can see him. Finally face him.

His eyebrows pulled closer, like he is trying to understand me and my sudden shaken-up state, but couldn't. He used to read me with one look. He used to feel my pain before I even felt it.

It wasn't the same anymore.

I am no longer his Lilly. I am no longer his little ribbon...and he is no longer my Chase.

"I hurt you, I hurt you so bad and I am being punished for it," I said the words that were in my head, I didn't think about what I was saying, I didn't want to think, "I hurt you so bad, didn't I?"

His hand traveled to my face, pulling my hair away, and something flashed into those blue eyes of his, those eyes were my home once, this boy...no, this man, he was mine. He was mine and just like everything that ever was mine, I lost him.

I walked away. He walked away. Everyone just walks away.

Even this child couldn't handle me and...walked away.

I would've probably ruined him too.

"Lilly-" Chase said, his tone begging me to not open this, to not talk about this, "Let me get you out of here, you don't look okay."

I shook my head multiple times, "You didn't answer me, how much did it hurt?" I asked, I wanted his anger, I wanted him to shout at me, to call me names, to throw in my face every bad thing I've did. I need his anger. I deserve his anger.

I took his hand and pressed it over my chest, over my speeding heart that was breaking with every breath I took, "Did it hurt like this?" I mumbled, my tears still falling, slowly now, "Did it break your heart like this?"

"I can't...I can't breath now," I added, shaking my head and choking over my words, "Were you...were you able to breathe?"

His eyes were on my hand, the one over his, over my heart, over that muscle that probably deserved to stop, the one fighting, the one blaming me for breaking it, time after time.

He silently shook his head, and his voice reflected everything he never wanted to feel, "No, I couldn't."

When his gaze lifted up to me, deep blue stared back into mine, an endless ocean, too close but yet too far for me to reach. He let his walls down, he let me see what I did, he let me see the part of him that I ruined. He let me see what I lost. He showed me exactly where everything went wrong.

He showed me that beneath all that hard-soft exterior, behind all that strong man who moved on, there is a boy, holding a blue ribbon and waiting for me to come home.

"Did you forgive me?" I couldn't help but ask.

He nodded.

"Did you hate me?"

He shook his head, "I wanted to. More than anything."

"Can you handle being here with me? Soothing the one person who caused you pain?" I asked.

Silence.

"Please, be honest."

The muscles of his jaw tightened and he shook his head, "No, I can't."

If my heart could break more, it did. I wanted him to break it more. I wanted to feel everything wrong I did, I wanted to face it for once.

Just for once. I wanted to feel the bitter impact of my mistakes.

"Then, why are you here?"

"I don't have an answer for that."

"Did you move on?" Tell me you did; tell me that you love her, break my heart just like I broke yours.

He nodded.

"Do you love me?"

He nodded, "You're Lilly, I will always love you," He said, "But I am not in love with you anymore."

"Do you love her?" I wanted my voice not to shake, but it did.

Another silence.

"Do you?"

"I don't want to answer that," He said. Was he scared of saying yes and hurting me, or was he, himself, unaware of that answer?

I wasn't making any sense. I know. He knew that too, but he went on with me, maybe he still understands me on some level. Maybe he understood how desperately I needed answers. Some answers. Any answers. How I needed a safe known ground to stand on when everything around me is shaking.

"You said when I see you again I can ask you this," I mumbled, "Do we ever stand a second chance?"

His eyes stared into mine for a second or two, and the wall was back up. His guard was back up and I could no longer access him anymore.

He shook his head, "We don't."

It's okay. I already lost everything. I already lost him. I can't lose him twice.

It's okay, Lilly. It's okay.

"Do you still have my blue ribbon?"

His eyebrows pulled closer, taken aback by my weird question. He paused there for a second, wanting to answer, but hesitating.

He finally nodded his head.

I smiled through my tears, "Why?"

He gave me a light shrug, "It gives me hope," He admitted honestly, "It reminds me of a good time," He still held up that wall, his eyes and his mouth telling two different stories, "It reminds of the girl who looked at me and saw her world."

"The girl who broke your heart," I added on his behalf.

He gave me a shrug, "We both kind of did."

My eyebrows pulled together, taken aback that he took part of the blame. He didn't do anything. I did.

"Now, the most important question," I said, looking at him, all of him, "Are you happy?"

There was a pause and then came his answer, "Yes and no."

I felt like he didn't want to explain more. He didn't want to say why yes and why no. So, I stopped.

"You can ask me, if you want," I mumbled, stupidly, because maybe he doesn't feel curious about me anymore.

But, apparently he does.

"Are you still with him?"

I shook my head.

The muscles of his jaw worked, "Did he hurt you?"

I nodded, "In a way, he did."

It was mostly me. I was the fool, the naive girl who believed him and his lies.

His throat bobbed and he looked away for a brief second, when he looked back at me, he asked, "Did you love him?"

I nodded, "There are different types of love," I felt the need to clarify, "There is true love," The one my parents have, "There is epic love," I had that once upon a time, "And there is...normal love."

"With him, it was neither true, nor epic."

He seemed to think my words through, as if they hit too close to home.

"Were you happy with him?"

"Yes and no."

Yes, because he gave me everything I wanted. He said the right thing. He did the right thing. Anyone would've fell for that. Everyone craves perfect. No fights. No tears. No arguments. Nothing. He gave me perfect.

But, perfect doesn't exist.

So no, because he wasn't you. Because I was so badly trying to replace you. No, because there is a hole in my chest that was craved the day you left and nothing...nothing will ever fill it.

*****************

Next day...

I promised myself that yesterday was the last day I will ever shed a tear. Last day to be weak and vulnerable. Exposed and bare.

Last day to let it all out.

But as I laid down now, after the operation, waiting for my recovery, with my cheek pressed up against the pillow, my eyes looking through the window, at the blue sky, at the free birds, and at what's alive.

I couldn't hold back the one lone tear the silently escaped my eye.

That's all. One single tear.

I felt a tender hand reach for mine, I turned around, my eyes falling on the nurse, who smiled at me so warmly, "You can leave now, if you want."

I nodded, and pulled myself up.

"Do you feel any pain?" She asked, concerned.

I do. But, it's all on the inside.

She helped me get up, she even helped me change the gown and wear my clothes. She took pity on me the moment I said I came alone. No one waiting me outside that door, just me, facing and correcting my mistakes on my own.

And I took her help, seeking comfort from a stranger, someone who didn't know me, who didn't know the real me, the bad me.

"Follow the doctor's orders and rest, okay," The nurse stressed out and I nodded.

I will rest once Max is okay.

"In case anything happens, or you feel any pain, immediately come back here," She added, she was being sweet and caring.

Would she be the same if she knew the things I did? How selfish I was, how I turned my brother's life upside down in a matter of a day, how he is in a risky surgery now because of me.

She probably wouldn't.

"Thank you," I mumbled lowly, energy-less and tired.

She led my way out of the room and I headed for the upper floor, and walked toward the waiting area, where they were gathered, waiting for the surgery to be done.

Dad was pacing around, anxious, nervous and worried, raking his hand through his hair and rubbing at the back of his neck. Mom was sitting, tapping her leg relentlessly over the floor, her worry eating her up alive.

She looked tired, so tired, like she hadn't slept in days, yet still, she was able to get through this without breaking down.

I wanted to ask her, how could she do it? Can she teach me? Can she tell me how will it ever be okay again? Can she give me part of her strength, the part that kept her standing still when everything was crashing.

I went and sat down by her side. I wanted to be close to her. I needed her more than she can imagine.

Maybe she sensed it, she felt it, a motherly instinct that had her looking at me. More worry cut through her face and her hand reached out for mine. She took it in hers. She tightened her hold, silently telling me it will be okay. Max will be okay. We will be okay.

An hour passed and with every minute, I felt more uncomfortable. I couldn't sit anymore. The cramps I felt before came back with a force. I stood up. I walked around, trying to calm my body down, but I failed. I felt more tired. I went back and sat down.

My eyes met Chase's for a mere second, both of us very silent after our honest conversation yesterday.

I looked away from him the second I heard the door open. I jumped to my feet without thinking, rushing to dad's side when the doctor went out, he lowered his mask, a small smile curved his lips, "Everything went smoothly, thankfully, the surgery was successful and the transplant was done," A large breath of relief pushed at my chest, almost knocking me back down.

"We will monitor his state all through the night, and if everything kept going smoothly, we will transfer him to a private room and you will be able to see him."

Oh god...finally.

I wanna see him, I wanna hug him, tell him how sorry I am, promise him I will never screw up again.

The doctor went back in and everyone was talking, all relieved at the news we were waiting for.

It wasn't till then that my body decided to betray me, like it knew it couldn't give up till Max was fine. The doctor's warning proved to be right the moment I felt the dizziness swarm all over my vision.

Black dots blurred, and my balance faltered. I reached for something, for anything to keep me from crashing. My hand shot out to the closest thing to me, it wrapped over dad's arm, holding into him before everything went black.

************************************

I know you all hate Lilly, but god, it's like watching my child get hurt. Damn it. I am not okay with this xD

Anyways, whatcha ya think?
They finally know who Christian is. The surgery was successful and now they have the time to go and find him. Also, what about Lilly and chase and their little talk?

What else are you looking forward to?

Max walking up and meeting Nik, and them discovering that Lilly was pregnant; that'll be next chapter's problem to deal with xD

Chapter's question: if Lilly was still pregnant, what do you think Alex's reaction would've been? Lilly believes that he would've made her abort the kid, what do you think he would've done?

Anyways, that's all for now, love ya all!