A/n

!IMPORTANT!

If you're thinking Marcel shouldn't have given in to Louis so fast, and hate that then don't worry I hate that too.

I need to edit it.

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SPECIAL DOUBLE UPDATE BECAUSE....

HAPPY ONE FLACKING YEAR ANNIVERSARY BMG<3

••••••••••••••••

•Marcel•

I woke up with Louis' arm over my stomach. I looked over to him and noticed he was sleeping. I sighed and tilted my head back, looking up at the ceiling. Millions of thoughts fluttered through my mind, always the same ones.

'I gave up a four year relationship for a guy who always hurt me'

'I gave up a really good guy who never hurt me to go with a guy who has done nothing but that'

'Did I make the best choice?'

'Obviously if you're second guessing it you didn't'

'Im not second guessing it, I just-I know I love him'

'You love James. He could make you happy, and he would never hurt you'

'But I wouldn't be happy...he wouldn't be happy'

'Why not?' I groaned. It always came back to that, I felt Louis move around beside me and I waited a few seconds but again he didn't wake up.

'Louis. It will always be Louis. Last night, showed I would only ever want him in such a close way.'

Satisfied with the thought I sighed and turned to look at Louis. He hasn't changed much since high school looks wise. Except for a few more tattoos along his chest. Wrinkles by his eyes when he smiled, his blue eyes still twinkled with laughter and mischief and sadly still held coldness in them. I was still taller then him and his lips were a pretty shade of pink. I brushed my thumb over them and I felt him lean in.

If he hurt me again, where would I go? Who would I turn to?

It was Saturday so I didn't have to worry about going to class. I did have to worry about talking with James.

"You're thinking aren't you?" Louis' raspy morning voice said. My eyes widened and I locked eyes with his just opening blue ones.

"Yeah." I said, no point in lying.

"About?" He asked turning so his whole body was facing me, but his arm didn't leave my waist.

"Us." I said more quietly.

"Oh...and?" He said. We haven't really talked about us in a bit, we knew where we stood. I knew he cared deeply about me and I about him. But we weren't together, the idea of what we did last night caused me to blush darkly and look away. He caught on and smiled.

"Even after everything we've done. You still blush, and it's still my favourite color." He whispered and his hand brushed across my cheek.

After a few moments I looked back up and met his eyes. "I thought about everything, not right now but before and I realised you didn't mean to hurt me the last time and we should both be blamed equally for how the things ended. So in reality it was my foolishness that caused things to end so badly. I guess being insecure on the fact that you would leave me after all still affected me. It still affects me now."

Louis kept his eyes on me until he shook his head. "That night, I didn't want to leave you. Knowing how fragile you were and still are, and how you would take it if I wasn't there. I didn't want to leave, any other person I wouldn't have, but it was Zayn and he's like my brother. And you looked so peaceful I couldn't wake you, especially for what I was going for. Knowing you, you'd want to intervene and I couldn't let something happen to you. I left you a note, I'm pretty sure I did. I didn't mean for things to end like that, and if I hadn't been unconscious all day I would have run to you the first second I awoke. I technically did but it didn't matter then. You were gone, and for days, weeks, months I hated myself for letting you go. I knew you probably thought I left you, after everything and that's one thing I didn't do. I didn't leave you, not willingly anyways. I loved you then I love you now. You're the most important thing in my life babe. And I know that you're probably rethinking what you did. I know James has and will never hurt you like I did. I know you could have a healthy relationship with him instead of the fucked up thing you have with me. I know you could be happy with him because he would take you back and you would forget about me eventually. But I also know that I am a selfish bastard and I can't let you go. I know that if you did decide to go back I would go to the end of the world to get you back, no matter what. That's how fucking selfish and sick I am."

I looked at him, his shoulders were trembling and he was staring at the white pillow underneath him. I slowly placed my hand on his shoulder. "I fooled myself into thinking I had forgotten about in the end. The first couple of years it didn't work, you were still there. Such a prominent figure in my thoughts it scared me that I would never not think about you. Even with James you were still there, every kiss, every touch, at least in the beginning with him filled me with guilt. Guilt because for some odd reason I thought I was doing something against of you. I thought I could be happy with him. He did make me happy at first but I couldn't help but compare him to you. I care about him but I fooled myself into thinking I could one day be in love with him like I am with you. Cause damnit Louis I'm in love with you. Have been for the longest time. I can't be happy with him cause after four years of fooling myself into believing you were gone from my life I couldn't help but hope that I'd see you again one day. I know I'm stupid, an idiot, fucked up, everything that is dumb in the world for taking you back but fuck it. As fucked up as I sounds I'm in love with you and only you. You incompetent fool."

Louis looked up at me and his eyes shined with an emotion that I couldn't put my finger on.

"Our relationship is screwed up isn't it?" He said quietly taking my hand in his.

"Very. Now get up and make me breakfast." I said.

He chuckled and placed a kiss on my cheek before he stood up and walked out of the room. I sighed rubbing my eyes and walked into the bathroom. I brushed my teeth leaving alone my hair. I walked back to the room and pulled on my glasses from the table beside the bed.

I groaned internally realising I would have to grab the rest of my clothes at James'. I sighed, I was sad I ended things with him so abruptly. But I didn't regret it, it would not have worked out in the end I just know it, I was crazy enough to say yes in the first place. Of course when I said yes I was thousands of miles away in a new world. I walked over to the closet and pulled on one of Louis' sweatpants and black t-shirts, along with a black sweater. It was literally the only color he owned. I grabbed a beanie and grimaced at my curls quickly shoving them down with the beanie. Small curls peaked out of it's side but I deemed myself okay to go and walked out. On the way I saw my cellphone lying underneath the bed. I have not seen it since I got here. I grabbed it and strolled through the stuff. I was surprised to see that James never tried to text me or call me. Then again I haven't texted or called him either and this was all my fault...I sighed and put it away.

Zayn and Louis were talking to each other in the kitchen.

"You don't think I don't fucking know that?" I heard Louis say.

"What? Did you think it was just going to be easy to drop everything and try to be normal?" Zayn said.

"No. I don't know what to do. I need money and people think I'm some drug dealing psychopath. I mean, the first part okay but still!"

"Well...we'll just keep selling it until you or I get back on our feet." Zayn said.

"Look at us. Everyone thinks we are some low life punks."

"Technically we-"

"Shut up." Louis groaned. "Alright but you can't tell Marcel. You know how he is around the stuff. Just for a couple of months until I find someone who doesn't hate me for how I look."

Oh I understood. People distrusted him because of all his tattoos. He couldn't get a job so he still had to sell the drugs to get money.

"You can't not tell him. He'll understand. You guys have some freaky connection. By the way if what happened last night happens again I'm kicking you out."

"I know and shut up you love me." And I heard Louis and Zayn let out roars of laughter and I smiled.

Everything was okay again.

I walked into the kitchen unnoticed and saw that bowls of cereal and toast were on the small kitchen table. "You guys sure know how to cook." I said amused. Louis blushed and looked away. Zayn laughed.

"Lou cook? Ha that's like wanting your kitchen to be burned down." He said laughing as he sat down. Louis blushed even darker. He mumbled something but it sounded really rude and Zayn kicked him for it.

"I can cook. My mom showed me how to when we were in California. School lunches were shit and she was always working so I had to make the food all the time and Jam-" I stopped. "A friend and I would have regular cooking sessions. Weird I know." I muttered quickly turning to the bowl of cereal.

"Louis could really use some help." Zayn said, and he stood up taking a piece of toast and with a quick nod he walked away. "Oh and nice look Marcel."

So it was just Louis and I. I turned and smiled at him, he was looking at the ground. "I can show you. I clean too, but I think it's because I have some disorder where I need to have everything clean and organised. I mostly cook though, I love it a lot." I said sighing happily. He looked up at me and his eyes were soft. I shivered and wondered at his change in emotion.

"I don't deserve you." He said again.

I sighed. "Stop saying that." I mumbled.

I took in another spoonful and quickly put it back down. The cereal had gone to mush, my appetite following soon after.

"We'll start tomorrow."

•~•

"You don't have to go." Louis said for the millionth time.

I sighed. "Yes, I do!"

"But what if you-"

"Louis Tomlinson I am in love with you now shut up! I'm going." I said. "Besides I need my stuff. I'll be back in an hour, tops."

"I'll take you." He muttered.

"I don't think that would be a good idea."

"I'll stay in the damn car then." He said anger in his voice and he walked out before I could say anything.

I walked out seconds later as well, I saw that he was sitting in the front seat already. He was pouting and looking down at the ground. I walked over to the passenger seat, soon realising this was the same old car from before.

"Louis will you stop being like this? How can you still think I don't want to be here? Like I said, other people will call me crazy and stupid for this but I know what I want." I said.

Louis looked up and he smiled, though the smile didn't reach his eyes it was still something. He leaned over and pressed his lips to mine. I melted into the kiss and kissed him back.

He pulled back and he began to drive while I settled into the seat. My hands trembled, if I was going to be completely honest I was thinking. I wanted Louis, I have always wanted him. I can be without him but I would always think about him. I haven thought once about James, unless it was in the to talk to him and settle everything.

Sooner then I would have liked we were there. Louis was tense beside me and I rolled my eyes and opened the door. "Stop being a baby." I muttered.

"Hey! I'm just worried. I wouldn't blame you if you went with him though. As much as I hate him, he could make you happier."

I groaned and glared at him. "Say that one more time and I just might." His mouth shut and fear crossed his eyes. He shook his head. "Good. Now, I'll be back in an hour tops. Don't go inside okay?! I don't want things to end up how they did last time." Without another word I closed the door behind me and walked into the familiar complex building.

I soon found myself outside of the familiar door. I realised I didn't have a key so I would have to knock. Stupidly I knocked on the door. Not even a second later it was opened and he was standing in front of me an annoyed expression on his face. Until he saw it was me and the expression turned to confusion and then happiness and it just settled on a mixture of sadness and thought.

He looked me up and down and his eyes darkened in anger. "What? You're going to take the rest of my heart and rip it out." He muttered, but he widened the door and let me in. I looked down and shuffled my feet.

"I wanted to talk." I said quietly.

"What is there left to talk about?" He said. "You chose that stupid punk over me. You threw a four year relationship for a dickhead that did nothing but hurt you. Please enlighten me on whatever the fuck there is left to talk about." His tone made me flinch, he never swore in front of me well he never yelled either. This was a side I have never seen from him. Sudden anger took over me. I brushed past him and walked into ou- his room. To my relief I noticed that all my stuff was still there.

I grabbed my school bag and began to stuff all my clothes into it. I knew I couldn't fit it all in there but I could fit most of it. In the midst of doing that I found a small box. "What are you doing?" I heard him ask. I didn't reply as I took the box out. I opened it and there were pictures. Of just him and I.

The first time he was at my house. Christmas. Birthdays. Other holidays. Pointless ones. Some taken just for fun.

There they were and they hit me like a ton of bricks. Seeing me smile and how I seem like I'm happy with him. He took my hand in his, it was warm and soft. "We were happy, and we can still be happy." He said. I abruptly stood up and shook my head.

Anger became prominent on his features. "You can't be serious though? This isn't you." He said and he pointed at me. He went to my clothes and threw all my sweaters and dress pants at me.

"This-That is you." He walked over to me and yanked the beanie off of my head and my curls fell everywhere. He placed his hands on my shoulders. "What makes you so sure he won't hurt you again? That he won't hurt you? He wasn't there for you for years! I was. I'm still here. I would never hurt you not in a million years. You can't just walk away from something like this. Please." He said his voice softening. My green eyes locked with his brown ones. One of his hands slipped to grip my neck and he leaned in. I turned to the side and his lips brushed my cheek. I heard him let out an angry groan.

"I know." I said. "I know you would never hurt me like he has. I know that if I kept trying I could have been happier with you one day instead of fooling myself into thinking I was. I know you're better for me. I know that I don't know if he will hurt me again. I know that he could hurt me again. But I also know that I can't be without him, even with you he would still be there. In my thoughts. I know that I love him, that even after everything I still love him. That I'm still in love with him. It's so screwed up. I know that. You just don't get it. I need to be with him, if I have the chance to be with him I will take it. I know that he might hurt me in the future but I'm not thinking about that I'm thinking about now. I'm thinking I can be with him now and that's all that matters. Please accept that. I'm sorry I made you waste four years of your life on me, I'm so sorry. I care about you so much and I wish that we could stay friends. But now I know that we can't. Forgive me, that's all I ask from you."

He was silent and I was shaking, I refused to look up at him as I walked past him and finished putting all that I could fit into the bag. I looked at the pictures and though I felt remorse and sadness, I didn't feel regretful for saying what I said. I grabbed one and looked at it in my hands. It was when he proposed, I was crying and he was hugging me. My mum had taken it. I remember that day, I remember part of me crying was because that had been a way of me saying goodbye to Louis once and for all, but the other part of my crying because I was saying goodbye. Or so I had thought. Even then I couldn't give him up. I let the picture fall to the floor. I picked up another one, it was when we had taken a picture for prom, the same year I met him. Suddenly I kept rummaging through the pictures for what I didn't know. Then I found it.

The five pictures that my mum had taken from prom the year before that one. Candy and I. Niall, Candy, Louis and I. Three of those but they were formal. And then finally the last one. Candy was on Niall's back, he was kissing her cheek and a smile flickered across me at that. But my eyes landed on Louis and I. The last day we were together, he was kissing me and I was smiling way too much into the kiss. The last time I had seen this was when I had put the first pic of James and I in the box, after my mum had stumbled and quietly handed them to me.

"One day, I hope I can find that someone that's like you with Louis." I heard James say behind me. I turned towards him questions in my eyes, I was still clutching the pictures to my chest. "The way you talk about him, it hurts me to say and to see how your face just lights up. I hope one day I can find someone that lights up at just the mention of me."

"So do you forgive me?" I asked. He shook his head. I frowned but nodded.

"But I will tell you one thing, if he ever hurts you again, I will not hesitate to hurt him. You deserve the best but if he's the one you want then you deserve him." He said. I smiled he reached over and poked my dimples making me laugh.

"Thank you for everything you know. I might not have been in love with you like you were with me but I care for you." I told him.

"I know." He said, and he went over and picked my bag and he handed it over to me.

"You're going to find him one day. I know you will." I told him. He rolled his eyes and laughed.

"Yeah whatever." He muttered. I looked at the pictures that were strewn everywhere. I bent down and picked one, it was of him and I on his birthday and I was kissing his cheek. It pained me to realise I felt nothing in my chest. I finally saw one and we were just smiling at the camera. It seemed neutral so I picked it up. Along with the other five I placed it inside the bag. James was still looking at me, a small smile on his face. Though things would never be the same with us again they were okay for now.

"Bye Marcel. I'll see you later." He said, handing me the beanie and walking me to the door.

I kept my eyes on him and I knew they were empty words. He wasn't like me, he wasn't going to forgive me anytime soon. He and I both knew it would be a long time before we saw each other willingly. I gave him an appreciating smile and turned to walk away, he didn't stop me and I just heard the closing of the door.

I walked downstairs feeling numb. I walked out of the building and noticed that Louis was still there and he immediately got out of the car and walked towards me. Relief was clear on his face, but I ignored him and kept walking. It wasn't until I was sitting inside the car that I finally broke down.

I felt free, I felt happy, I felt good. For the first time in years.

"Marcel?" He said. I just shook my head and grabbed the picture where all of us were laughing and handed it towards him.

"Oh." Is all he said.

We didn't speak as he drove back to the house.

"Now what?" He asks quietly almost as if he was scared for my answer.

I tilted my head. "I really don't know."

He looked like he was about to say something. "I swear if you say if I'm sure about what I'm doing I'm going to have to hurt you." I said.

He cracked a smile and leaned in kissing my lips and cheeks. "You're so amazing. And you're mine." He said.

I blushed under his touch. He pulled back and went to open the door for me and he grabbed my hand. We went inside and walked through the hi-our bedroom door. He kissed me on the lips and I kissed him back shyly. Softly he pushed me back into the bed and I let him.

See how things turn out if you just don't give up on the people you love?

____