twenty | if i (lose myself) kill me before anyone finds out

Harry is next to me, but I'm so cold I can't even feel his skin against mine. My fingertips are grazing against his forearm in a continuous calming pattern, in an attempt to fall asleep. The air conditioning about us is blowing at full blast, being that it's one of the warmer nights. Even under the three layers of sheets, I can see my breath escape my lips in the dimly lit room. The dark blue LED lights outside the small window are the only thing that give off the light.

In three hours, I go on my first rescue mission. It had been categorized under protection, but Harry said we were getting the princess and another middle class worker out of her country. When he told me the story, I was more than awed at the situation she had at hand.

The princess had had the throne passed down to her about two years ago. She was set to marry the prince once the time came, but according to what the EYAD has figured out, the princess is a lesbian.

She fell in love, but being that she's the princess, she knows the laws. Homosexuals are hung in Kiribati, and apparently that's where they come in. Not only that, she may have information about the psycho murder out for my head.

So, as Harry stressed to me multiple times before he fell asleep with me, this mission is extremely important. It could change a lot in the case and everyone here is aware of that. Knowing this, they also want it to go extremely well. I don't think I've ever heard the word 'extremely' be used in such...extreme measures.

Knowing the impending success of this mission could change everything, I can't help but wonder why I had been called out to operate with the team. I'm so clueless when it comes to this life, and I'm just going to drag them behind.

But I want nothing more than to stop thinking about princesses and escape routes and rescue missions. Maybe my rescue mission from this painful reality I'm trapped in, but nothing else otherwise.

Will it ever go back to normal after this? Because if we don't catch Drake, I'm either going to be dead, or stuck down here for the rest of me life.

Neither option sounds pleasant, even if Harry will be around.

The rest of the night goes on in a similar pattern, laying awake until Harry rustles beside me, hours later.

"How'd you sleep?" He asks drowsily, his eyelashes fluttering against my bare back. This is the only good part of the job; waking up next to him and listening to the raw beauty embedded in his voice.

"I didn't."

"Nervous?"

"No," I say sarcastically, "one hundred percent confident in my skills."

"I know they're throwing you in without warning--"

"Which is why you should have said something."

"I tried Liam; I can only do so much."

"I wish you could do more..." I say, and he sighs, sitting up and cradling my chin in his hand.

"Me too."

Harry kisses my forehead before getting out of the bed,

"I have to go back to my room and get ready," he says quietly, "a prep team should be here soon, to get you ready and whatnot. You'll be taken to where the pilot is waiting. I'm not sure when we'll see each other next, but if it's in the field, then I can't help you much."

"Yeah, I figured," I sigh, leaning up and pressing my lips to his softly, "see you."

-

The pilot is nice enough to give me a seat by Harry, giving me somewhat reassurance as we fly towards the drop area. My knees can't stop bouncing as the plane flies through turbulence. There's ten more people around me, three girls, and seven men, including Harry beside me.

The males seem to be more fearful then the women, who are holding their firearms firmly in their hands. There's a boy across from me, about my age from the looks of it. He's shaking more than me, and I knew I wasn't the only one unprepared to be thrown in the field.

"How long until we get there?"

"I wouldn't ask. I'm not even sure myself. The island is practically invisible. Not many know of its existence."

"H," I whisper, and he nods, looking over to where I sit anxiously.

"Yes?"

"Please just, make sure I don't fuck up."

"I'll try as hard as I can," he sighs, "I know this happened quickly, and that you're afraid, but we won't have you doing much. Probably keeping watch when we get the princess and her other passenger out."

"Chances of me dying?"

"Pretty high," he shrugs, "but every day you go out, those are the stakes you have to live with."

"Okay," I sigh, "alright."

"You'll do fine," he assures me as a signal goes off. Red lights start flashing all around us as our seat belts automatically whip away from where we're seated.

"What's going on?" I ask cautiously as I get up the same time everyone else does.

"Drop point approaching!" The pilot shouts.

Drop point?

"Are we skydiving?!" I scream, and Harry grabs me.

"Okay, yes, you can be afraid, but you also have to be professional Liam. No. Screaming."

I nod weakly, trying not to cry next. The last thing I need is Harry screaming at me. That will only make it worse for both his temper, and my dwindling confidence.

"We're jumping," he answers for me after I calm down, "and you have to. Sometimes in this business you have to do things you don't want to, such as shoot someone you're in love with."

Ouch.

"Drop in ten,"

"So take a deep breath," Harry continues, and I follow his orders, "close your eyes, and pretend you're somewhere else that isn't here."

"Okay okay," I whisper, and the second I hear 'one' leave the loudspeaker, I'm being pushed off of the ground and into the sky.

I don't scream when I fall, but my mouth isn't closed. Maybe I am screaming, but I can't hear whatever leaves my lips. My ears are vibrating against the side of my face, or somewhere that I can't name, but things aren't in place and all that's registering in my mind is that I could go 'splat' on the ground at any moment.

"Liam!"

Harry's bellowing voice over the sound of the wind rushing past me catches my attention as I look beside me. He points to the red chord on his pack, and when he pulls it, he disappears from my frontal vision, only to appear above me.

Liam. Pull the red chord.

When I do, I'm being pulled back by the restraints of my parachute. I gasp, covering my mouth as I look around at the others floating around me. Harry, the only person I can really recognize, gives me a curt nod before using his feet to navigate himself towards the landing spot.

"Follow me!" He shouts, moving to a clearing in what seems to be a clearing in the forest.The other members of the team follow him as he said to, and I do the same, trying my hardest to stay close to the one that knows best.

My landing is pretty bad, considering I've been trained only 0% in any type of infiltration like the one we're doing. Or, practically, anything that these people on my team know. Harry probably knows this, but he's too busy leading the team to pay attention to my helplessness.

I should have known that soon enough, his duties would get in the way of 'Harry and I' time. It was bound to happen some time. He looks back at all of us, moving a few bushes and revealing a black case. He opens it, and pulls out one firearm after another, tossing them lightly to us.

"Ready?" He asks, and we all nod anticipatorily before he continues, "Okay, I need two on my right, two on my left, and the rest of you behind. We have an odd number, so work it out amongst yourselves, or I'll do it for you."

I choose to be in the back instead of taking one of the important roles. Whoever's in front is part of the group protecting Harry. I wouldn't do any good in protecting him anyway. Some of the more experienced agents take the said positions and he nods in approval.

"Good work," he says proudly, "I want silence when we enter the palace, and remember; we have to make this look like a threatening operation. If the people were to find out that this was an exfiltration and not a kidnapping, we would be next on their kill list. Both us and the princess and her girlfriend would be in danger at that point. Do you understand?"

"Yes sir." They all say simultaneously, and I blush when I don't say it. Nonetheless, he nods and clicks his gun.

"Let's move."

With that, everyone begins to move behind him, staying in their coordinated places, guns up. I do the same, but with a weak hold. Even the volatile boy from the plane is holding his gun up confidently as we move towards the castle. Everyone here has succeeded in making me look like a complete weakling.

Even though I seem to be the weak link, I make sure I remind myself that I haven't lost what makes me who I am yet. Harry told me he hadn't felt what he felt with me in years, that he lost all his will to love until he laid his eyes on me. I can't help but wonder what drastic measures these assassins have to endure in order to reach the peak of their training. How much of themselves did they have to let go in order to become who they are today?

It's in this moment that I realize I don't want to be here. I don't want to be doing these missions, or killing people I don't even know. I just want the man out for my life to be captured. Afterwords? I'll go home with Zayn and get a new cat.

I can't lose myself to them, and maybe it's too late for me to save Harry along the way.

"Stop!"

I trip over my own feet at the sound of his voice. My weapon lands on the ground before I fall face first into the dirt. Everyone looks back at me, annoyance painted all over their stern faces.

"Sorry..." I whisper, and Harry continues.

"We're here. I need three heading east, three west, and three behind me. Follow the plan you were briefed with this morning. And Liam,"

I look up frantically as he nods knowingly,

"You're going to stay with me."

Oh thank god; I was getting sick and tired of being in the back and not knowing what's going on. There's no space to zone out. But then again, zooming out in the front also gets me killed.

I walk to the front of the pack, each step I take becoming more and more timorous until I stand beside Harry.

"We're going to go up and in, okay?" He whispers, "I need you to be like, absolutely silent. We're going to grab them from the princess' room. When she screams, the guards will come in, but our team will be there to protect us. When you see them, don't be scared. They won't have a chance to hurt us."

"Okay," I whisper, "okay okay, but what do we do after?"

"Leave 'after' to me, alright?"

"Mhm, okay."

He nods, and suddenly he's sprinting to the back of an enormous castle. As I'm trying to catch up to him, I can't begin to fathom the gorgeous artistry of it. The pearly white surface, the vines of flowers surrounding the windows and doors of the many floors of the castle, it's all elegantly placed in the middle of the most peaceful place. Even though I can't take my eyes off of it, I know I don't have time to be analyzing details.

I run until I slam into Harry's back, falling onto the ground again. He looks down, smirking as he grabs the window ledge,

"Cute."

"Nothing about that was amusing..."

Suddenly the ground shakes, causing Harry to slip and fall where I had just fallen. I go to smirk back at him, but he isn't smirking at all. He takes his walkie-talkie out and begins to try and contact the rest of the team.

"This is Harry," he says quickly, "status update."

Radio silence commences and Harry starts shaking the device. We both sit on the ground, waiting for the slightest response of life.

"But how..." he whispers, "I've never lost team members; not after her, no no no..."

"Harry what are you talking about...?" I ask, searching for sanity within his shock. Harry's eyes are slowly losing their beautiful green and gold flecks, and becoming grey.

"I don't hear anything else..." he whispers again, "they must have been mines. Unless they're okay, they have to be."

"Harry--"

"Fucking respond!" He exclaims, but I grab his hands hastily. It's obvious what happened. It's weird that of the two of us, he's the one that's surprised. My fingers begin to shake though, as the sudden realization that the people I was sitting with on the plane are dead.

"Harry," I push past it for the both of us, "we have to keep going..."

His hands are shaking as he lets go of me and drops the walkie-talkie. He takes a few deep breaths, in and out, before nodding,

"You're right. Let's go."

His scarily quick recovery commences as he refocuses on the mission. He gets up off of the ground, deserting me as he climbs through the window. I frown, following him into the castle.

My boots land onto the carpet lightly as my eyes align with two other pairs. A bright hopeful hazel, and a shakingly familiar blue. Like Louis' eyes, but fear shatters its complexion. The blue eyes match to a girl with unkempt curly brunette hair, and freckles scattered across her cheeks. Her hand is tightly entwined with the other girl's. This one, with blonde hair and rosy pink lips, seems to have confidence and excitement written all over her face. Polar opposites, just like two people I know.

"You must be Harry," the one with hazel eyes says excitedly, and suddenly I realize the crown on her head.

"Yes," he says, "do you have your computer?"

"Yeah, I do." She says, reaching under her bed and handing it to him, "are you contacting the helicopter?"

"Something like that," he says quietly, "looks like we won't need as many as planned."

He begins to type quickly when it's finished loading and I sigh, hanging my head. It wasn't fair, what happened to the rest of our teammates. But I can't help but wonder how Harry feels, considering he hasn't lost a team member in a long time. But, which team member had he lost before this team?

"Okay," he closes the laptop and looks at me, "when she screams, you need to take them the way we came, but a little further. Don't look back, because the teams aren't there to shoot down the guards."

"God..." I whisper, "that's right. Who's going to stop them?"

"I am," Harry responds, "just make sure you get them there, alright?"

"What if they shoot you down?!" I exclaim quietly, rushing to face him, "Harry you can't do this alone!"

"I've done it before Liam," he whispers back, looking beside him at the two girls, who seems to be whispering to themselves as well, "what's the big deal?"

"There's no way you're going to live," I protest, but he shushes me quickly before leaning down and kissing me. It's the most inappropriate time, but I let it happen anyway. When he pulls away, I miss his lips more than I intended to.

"I can take care of myself," he whispers, "just let me do what I have to do."

"I--fine." I sigh. He nods, squeezing my shoulder before looking back at the other girls.

"Okay," he repeats the plan, "Liam, when Princess Haley screams, you're going to take her and Moni out of the window. They know to look for the helipad, so don't worry about loosing them."

"Okay," I say.

"Ready when you are," Harry points to Haley, taking his weapon from where it's hanging off his body and holding it sturdily in his hands. It's not until seconds before Princess Haley grabs her girlfriend and kisses her quickly that the situation registers. We're about to kidnap royalty. But not really, because she wants us to, so...now I'm not quite sure. But I know either way, what we're doing is a felony.

When Haley opens her mouth to shout, I reach to grab Moni's arm. Everything is radio silence as I drag her towards the window and the door behind us breaks down. Harry's weapon clicks as he pushes her behind him towards my direction and starts firing at the guards. As they climb down, I can't help but stare at the bodies dropping in front of him as bullets leave his machine gun.

"Go!" I zone out of my trance as Harry waves his hand at me, the other still on the trigger. I nod, everything moving forward in slow motion as I follow the two girls out the window. Sirens are sounding as we run towards the helicopter, and I can hear the steps of foot soldiers coming for us. All I'm praying for is that I won't have to shoot anyone.

"Come on!" I shout as soon as I see the helicopter blades. I push through every bush and tree in the way, relieved to see our rescue close. It haunts me that the rest of the team wouldn't be returning with us, that it would be just Harry and I, and Haley and Moni.

I look back, seeing not soldiers, but Harry catching up. Relief washes over me as we arrive at the helipad. I help Moni up first, then Haley. before climbing up myself. We all scrush up in the back seat, giving Harry space to sit with his gun aimed at the people coming.

"Cover your ears," he says sternly, and we do as we're told. The helicopter begins to lift off in the air as Harry continues to fire at the people coming. The bullets flying back at us are firing at a rapid speed as he shoots every single man coming after us directly in their bodies. It scares me, how his aim happens to be perfect.

Moni and Haley look away, but I can't tear myself from his gun, being that it's yet another sole reminder that it could've been me, dying to the threat of the gun in his hands.

"Is everyone okay?" Harry asks, sitting inside fully and looking at all three of us.

"Yeah." We tell him we're alright, even though I know I'm not.