CHAPTER TWENTY TWO.
WORLD CAME CRASHING

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The feeling of happiness was a strange one for Amandla Fitzgerald, especially in the times that she was in. But that day, the days following the Quidditch match which Gryffindor had won, she couldn't stop smiling. It was an odd sensation, but she felt so bubbly and light and couldn't help the giggles that always seemed to escape her lips. She was happy, something she forgot she could feel.

When she had woken up the day before, Hermione's arm draped over her body, a smile spread on her face as she remembered the night before. Everything was fuzzier than she would like, but she could remember Hermione's soft lips against her own, the way her hands moved under her shirt and took it off. The hunger in her eyes as she looked at Amandla, who found that she didn't feel self-conscious at all, and the way that Hermione had given her everything she could ever want and more. So much more.

And the way Hermione had begged for her. For her! Amandla! Yes, she had dreamed of the pleas that might escape her lips, but for them to be real, for her to actually beg...it was better than any dream could ever be. Amandla, that morning, couldn't help but admire the beauty that was Hermione Granger, lying there in deep sleep with her lips parted slightly and arm over her own body protectively. It was a beautiful sight and she never wanted to stop admiring it, never wanted to wake another day without Hermione in her arms.

But she had to leave. Had to leave the room before any of Hermione's roommates came upstairs and saw them, even if every bone in her body was trying to refuse. They didn't want to leave the sweet embrace of Hermione, Amandla's heart didn't either, but her mind knew she had to leave. So, with a pouting lip, she got up, only for Hermione to mumble in her sleeping state, "Stay..."

Merlin, Amandla had to bite her lip. That had just made it two-hundred times harder to leave her, and the way she looked...so peaceful, yet disturbed now that she wasn't holding anyone in her arms. Fuck. She was fucked. Amandla Felicity Fitzgerald was properly fucked in that moment because all this had happened and she wanted it to happen again and she was so happy she didn't want to leave. But, begrudgingly, she got in her clothes from the night before and walked out of the room quietly, closing the door slowly so that it wouldn't make a sound and wake Hermione from her slumber.

And then, down the stairs, in the common room, she noticed that no one was even awake. They were all asleep. All these Gryffindors on the floor or the couches with sleep taking over them and she knew when they awoke their hangovers would be worse than hers. She hadn't gotten drunk that night, surprisingly, and even then, she was used to getting drunk and the hangovers it didn't bother her as much as before. It just became another minor nuisance.

When she returned to the Hufflepuff basement, and went into her room, she saw Cevira already up – but she always did wake up early – and putting on her makeup as she stood in front of mirror where she first noticed Amandla. In all honesty, she was expecting the silent treatment from the girl, seeing as what happened the day before. She wouldn't hold it against the Stature, she knew the girl's insecurity of being second best, knowing what it had meant for her for Corey to come to her instead of Cevira herself. But she wouldn't have understood, only Amandla and Corey knew that, because they knew what it was like to hit that point where they had to depend on something else to lighten them. Cevira didn't, she hadn't hit that point and Amandla hoped she never did. It was a terrible point that she herself was stuck up.

But she was surprised when Cevira set down the mascara she was applying to turn and look at Amandla, "Where were you?"

Now, if they were friends and nothing had happened yesterday, Amandla was sure she would break out into a squeal and a little dance and exclaim to the world that she had just shagged Hermione fucking Granger – that maybe her crush liked her back! But they weren't, that fight had happened, and she wasn't sure what Cevira's response would be – or if she would even want to know. So she didn't say that and omitted it.

"I was celebrating in the Gryffindor common room, crashed there last night," Amandla answered, feeling that guilt seep in for not telling the exact truth she wanted to so badly. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. She hated everything about this...this cold and awkward feeling where she thought she couldn't say anything to her best friend anymore and that hurt. But what hurt more was the thought that maybe they would never be friends again. Shit.

Cevira nodded and didn't say anything else, returning to finish her makeup and Amandla couldn't help but feel a sliver of disappointment that there was nothing else. No I was worried or I stayed up all night waiting for you to return because I was so worried about, just a nod. That was it. But she shouldn't have expected more, her mind was telling her that, but her heart was still hurt that it seemed like she didn't care about her anymore.

Maybe they wouldn't ever be friends again, and Amandla had already fucked up so many relationships. She refused to speak to her aunt and uncle (though that was entirely their faults), and she wasn't on good terms with Draco because it didn't seem like he cared either, Corey was still a work in progress, and this Cevira thing was just absolute shit. Behind Draco, she turned to Cevira the most. She thought that the girl would always be there for her, but she was proved wrong again. And there no was anger or bitterness in that statement, because Amandla knew she had caused it. She was at fault for this because she was the one who didn't immediately tell her everything when she knew the girl's own insecurities. Amandla was to blame, as she was for everything.

She didn't really have anyone to rely on anymore. Cevira was always there to support her, through everything even when she didn't know why Amandla was crying or breaking down, she was still there and didn't ask questions. No one else did that. No one, not even Draco. But now it felt as if she didn't have anyone on her side because she had broken all those ties, though she could still mend the one with Corey – he was willing and so was she.

Amandla wasn't ready to face Draco, and she wasn't sure the boy wanted to see her again. Not after she left him, even after promising to always be there. And she knew that Cevira didn't want to talk to her. At all. So she felt so alone.

But even then, with that all happening, the smile was still present on her face as the day started and she had probably her least favorite class of the day to begin with. Defense Against the Dark Arts. A class she used to love and call one of her favorites, turned sour after last year when Umbridge forced herself to teach it and then Snape. Fucking Snape. It was terrible, she thought she had left him behind when she hadn't gotten a good enough grade on her O.W.L.S to get into Advanced Potions that year. But now, the world decided to screw her and the rest of Hogwarts over again with him becoming the new DADA teacher.

And why was she happy? Well Hermione Granger of course, and the memory of what happened that night and how happy she felt then. Tipsy, yes, but none of that mattered when Hermione's lips had found their way onto her own and the way her hands found her face and Merlin, it was all too intoxicating. More than any alcohol could ever be, and that feeling of euphoria that followed. Well, it felt like she was on Cloud 9 with Hermione by her side, almost leading her. Fuck, she loved it all, and couldn't keep the smile for her face.

That's when she saw said girl, walking with her face down in the almost empty corridor and Amandla felt a surge of confidence, fueled by what had happened between them, smiled at the girl and said, "Hello, Hermione! Fine morning, isn't it?"

And the girl nodded mutely, Amandla's smile faltered a bit. Wasn't she going to say something? Anything? Hadn't they reached the stage where they could talk – or Amandla could initiate their talks? Or had she fucked everything up now? "Hermione," she was hesitant to asked, "is everything alright?"

The Granger girl's head finally turned up to look at the girl before shifting to the others in the corridor, grabbing Amandla's arm and leading her into the girl's bathroom before making sure no one was there. "It was a mistake."

Amandla wished she didn't know what Hermione was talking about. She wished she didn't know the exact reason as to why the girl was saying the four words she did and wished that her heart wasn't breaking for the sound of them either. But she was breaking and her smile had officially left her face and this was rejection...this was the rejection that Amandla had always feared and kept her from ever pursuing her dreams with the girl. Because this happened and there was no coming back from it. Fuck.

"I-I'm sorry..." it was easier to pretend that she didn't know, maybe Hermione would take it back.

"That night. None of that should've happened. You were drunk and I was just sad and confused, it didn't mean anything. You were there and I couldn't stop myself, I'm sorry for taking advantage of you. It was a mistake."

That hope was gone; Hermione didn't take it back, she didn't laugh and say that it was all a joke.

"I thought...I thought that –" Amandla had to stop herself.

"What? You thought that I actually liked you? Or girls for that matter? Amandla, you know this, but I like Ron. I only like Ron, I'm sorry if I led you to believe otherwise."

But she did believe it, that was the thing. Amandla was foolish enough to believe that Hermione actually cared for her and maybe she didn't like Ron and fancied her instead and this was her way of showing. She thought it would happen again and they would be together and everything was fine. She thought that when they were older they would have to lie to their children (adopted, of course) about how they got together because what parents would say they got together after one was drunk and they had sex? She believed they would get married and would be happy, maybe Ron would even be with Lavender still, and Hermione wouldn't mind because she had Amandla – her only love. She thought that Hermione liked girls – liked her – and was only pretending to like Ron for the sake of pretending to be normal.

Except, that wasn't the case. Amandla had believed all those things, had dreamed of all those things, and none of them were true. Because that night was a mistake, Hermione said it herself, and she wasn't gay – she fancied Ron, truly. None of it mattered, Amandla didn't matter, not to Hermione anyways. And it took all her self-control not to start crying right then in front of the girl would had basically just broken her heart. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

"Oh, Amandla, you did," Hermione concluded after the long pause of silence as the other girl was thinking, "Well, we can at least still be friends."

Hermione was smiling weakly at her and Amandla wanted to be angry with the girl, glare at her and coolly say something, but all that came out was a soft, "I don't think we can." Her voice was small, so small because she was afraid that if were any louder it would break.

The Granger girl sent her one last look of pity before nodding and walking past her and out the door. Once she had heard it close for good, that was when Amandla let her knees buckle and bring her to the ground, letting out all those painful sobs she had been holding back for so long. And all she wanted was her best friend to hold her.

―

She hadn't gone to any of her classes that day. Her emotions weren't stable and her eyes were puffy and you could tell that she had been crying so she had taken the day off, opting to hide in her room until classes were over. She hadn't even gone to meals in case a professor saw her and reprimanded her for skipping their class that day only for the other professors to chime in. But what could she say? That her heart had been broken only that morning and she couldn't? No, she couldn't say that, so she decided not to say a thing at all. Decided not to show her face anywhere during the day.

And when the time came and everyone returned, no one looked at her – not even Cevira, but Amandla couldn't blame her. This...this guilt, this heartbreak, this everything made her itch for a drink – for a chance to forget everything that had happened the past few days so she left earlier for her nightly drink.

So she did. She left early enough for herself but late enough that the house elves had already left the kitchen for the night and no one would bother her, or at least she hoped they wouldn't. And when she had gotten to the kitchen, she immediately went to the place the liquor was kept before seeing the table that she used to sit at with Draco when they were still close, when Amandla hadn't turned on him. She would sit on the right side and sometimes he sat beside her while other nights he was across, one bottle between them. They would share it and talk, or maybe they didn't, but they always seemed to be comforted by the other's presence in some way. She missed that, but she couldn't go back. It was too late. Too late for anything.

Her breath was caught in her throat before gulping it down and sitting where she always sat and opening the bottle swiftly and taking a large gulp. She needed it. Especially that night, especially after everything. And even though she had been crying all day, she began to sob again, her eyes trained on the place where Draco used to sit. It was bringing back everything, because lately she had been at the counter and taking quick sips before returning, trying to wan herself off the addiction. But not now, she couldn't anymore. It was too painful, and she cried.

She cried for Cevira, the girl who she betrayed. She cried for Draco because she couldn't keep that promise she wanted to so badly. And she cried for Corey because something bad was also happening to him and she didn't know what. But most importantly, she cried for herself and how pitiful she had been. She believed that Hermione actually liked her, but who could ever like her? She was just Amandla Felicity Fitzgerald who didn't deserve love, she was evil anyways. At least, according to anyone who believed the Prophet and their nasty lies.

And with her sobs so loud, she couldn't hear the door open until it shut, causing her to quiet down. "Amandla..." she heard a voice call to her, looking at her, "Are you crying?"

It wasn't someone she would have liked to have seen, but it wasn't someone she wanted to avoid. It was Pansy, that fucking girl again. "No," she weakly attempted, but it was no use.

Pansy sat down beside the girl and took the drink from her hand, "What's wrong?"

Amandla shook her head, like someone would actually care enough to listen. She was just a pitiful girl, that was it. There was nothing more, end of story. Fuck. And why would Pansy even care? All she ever wanted from the girl was to know how Draco was, she didn't care at all about Amandla, but who did? No one. That was the answer. No one, because she didn't have anyone anymore. But she wanted to believe that someone cared, even if it wasn't true.

"It's nothing. Really, i-it's stupid, you wouldn't care," Amandla shook it off, wiping her tears and swallowing the sob in her throat that just wanted to be released.

"Amandla, you're crying," Pansy's tone was soft and she wondered how someone who was so cruel to her last year could be so kind to her now, using these gentle words that she didn't deserve anymore, "That means it's important."

That only caused Amandla to cry again and lean her head onto Pansy's shoulder, who held her. This shouldn't be happening, she would never in a million years had thought that Pansy Parkinson would be comforting her. Fuck. But she couldn't bring herself to care because it felt so nice to be held again.

"It's just – I'm so, so stupid. I thought that she cared – really cared about me!" Amandla wailed, hearing Pansy trying to calm her, "And I just – I wanted her to like me so much but she didn't and I thought she did."

"It's alright," Pansy softly spoke, "She doesn't deserve you anyways."

She cried harder. No one deserved Amandla because she was a mess who didn't know when to tell the truth and when to lie, didn't know how to stray for her loyalty to her family, and was feeling all this guilt because of what she had done and didn't know how to stop it. No one deserved her; they deserved better.

"And-And Cevira won't even talk to me because I fucked everything up and I can't even look at Draco and everything's just falling apart," Amandla cried.

"I understand," Pansy offered, but didn't change the subject to herself. It would've been so easy too, to talk about herself even though Amandla needed her because she did understand and she did need to vent, but she didn't care Amandla needed this more than she did.

Amandla had reached her breaking point and it was a terrible sight, seeing this strong girl be broken by the words of someone she had adored for years.

The Fitzgerald looked up at the girl who was holding her, seeing her pink lips and her short hair that only went a little below her ears. The freckles that adorned her cheeks and that dull sparkle in her eyes – she remembered the days when those sparkles shined. They were younger then and Pansy was ignorant, but now she knew and know that sparkle almost didn't exist. But she looked so beautiful and Amandla really just needed a distraction, she really just needed to forget everything and Pansy looked so pretty in that moment and she knew that Pansy would help her forget.

So, Amandla leaned in and kissed her, and was surprised when Pansy had kissed her back. But it only lasted a few seconds before Pansy was pushing her back and muttering, "Amandla, we can't..."

"Please," she whimpered, "Just help me forget. I-I need to forget everything. Please. No one needs to know, we can just forget it all happened tomorrow."

This was different from when she was with Hermione. Unlike the Granger girl, she told Pansy that it was just a one-night stand before it happened, letting her know it didn't mean a thing. She didn't let Pansy get up her hopes and smile and be happy, believe that maybe they did have a future together only to crush them days later with those words of rejection that was breaking her and causing the moment that was happening right then.

Amandla saw the hesitation in Pansy's eyes, "I don't want you to think I'm taking advantage of you."

"You're not."

"And I don't think this is the smartest idea."

"It isn't."

"But I need a release, I need to forget," that was all she said before pulling Amandla closer again and kissing her, both of them forgetting the world that night as they held each other close with their own bliss clogging their minds.

when it's almost eleven and you haven't even started your homework like the good student you are...

anyways, to clear stuff up:
1) I'm not trying to antagonize hermione in any way. she was confused about her sexuality and then and sex with amandla but still likes ron and knows that gay isn't normal so she's trying to figure everything out and try and fit in

2) amandla sleeping and pansy has been planned for months now, it wasn't just something i added in like other stuff. I wanted to incorporate pansy bc she needs love and amandla's going down this dark path and sleeping with someone to forget makes sense