CHAPTER NINETEEN:
SELFLESS AND SELFISH

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            The thing was, she didn't know what to say or what to do. It was clear, everything was clear and she couldn't ignore the truth no matter how much she wanted to. She knew the truth, yet she didn't want to believe it for a second, but she knew it. He was there, he had motive, and he did it. Yet even when it was so clear, she still tried to defend him and think that maybe he didn't – maybe there was some redeeming quality about him.

         And she tried to think about who else would do it, who else would give that girl the necklace meant for Dumbledore. Who else would try and gift Dumbledore a cursed necklace that would kill him. She tried to think of another person, and her mind drew a mind. It drew a complete blank because there was no one else but him. It was only him, of course it was him, yet she was still trying to say that maybe he didn't do it – maybe it was someone else.

         She had been trying this for the whole day. Her and Cevira had gone back to the castle, eaten a nice lunch there but her thoughts were still on the necklace – still on him. She caught up on the schoolwork she hadn't done before, she had listened to Cevira read. Still, it did nothing to help. Of course her thoughts went back to him, what he did – what he had to have done because who else would?

         Through it all, she hadn't said a word. She kept quiet, didn't even think of telling anyone because why? Why would she? She promised to stay with him, to never leave, to always to be there when he needed her, and she intended to keep that promise. It was so simple, everything should've been so simple. If it were another person, someone who had a better at deciding good from bad, they would've said something by then. The day had gone and yet she still hadn't said a word, and her mind never dared to think of saying something.

         He was good. He was! He had to be because he was her cousin and he was falling so quickly and he had to be good! But why, why so quickly? Why couldn't he wait?

         Everything was so simple. Go to someone – Sprout, anyone – and tell them everything. Tell them the truth and try and make them sympathize and maybe save Draco. He hadn't a choice, she knew that, but still. But still, she was trying to save him.

         And she was there now in the room with the Vanishing Cabinet and Draco wasn't even looking at her and she didn't know what to say. He was holding a bottle he had taken himself, he was looking at the cabinet and avoiding her eyes and she hated it. She hated everything.

         "Tell me that it wasn't you," she pleaded. She knew the truth, she knew that he had done it, but she wanted to deny it.

         He didn't. Of course he didn't, how could he? He couldn't deny a thing because that would be a lie – he had done it. It was him! "I didn't have a choice," he muttered.

         "No, no, no, NO! Tell me...please, tell me that you didn't do it," she was trying not to cry. He still didn't look at her.

         "You know that I don't have a choice," was all that he could say, tears in his eyes as well.

         Amandla shook her head, closing her eyes for a moment and whispering, "All you have to do is deny."

         There was silence for a moment as he took another sip and, the only soft voice in the silence, said, "I can't."

         That was what broke her. She let out a large sob, sitting down as well, because she knew in that moment she couldn't pretend anymore. She couldn't tell herself that maybe there was some redeeming him, some saying that maybe it wasn't him and maybe...maybe it was someone else. She wanted to say that, she wanted to be able to say that. She shouldn't have asked him that. Of course she didn't like the answer – why would she?

         "No, no," she gasped for air before swallowing her next sob, "Why? Why couldn't you wait?"

         "Because it has to happen! It will happen! Why not just – just get it over with?" Draco yelled, getting quieter as he said next, "I just need to finish everything."

         Amandla looked away from him, "You can wait. You can finish everything later."

         "I have to do this, I don't have a choice."

         "But you do! You have a choice! You can run!" Amandla cried, "You can be selfish again and just run – run and don't stop running and let someone else do this!"

         "And let someone else hate themselves? Let someone else live with this guilt of knowing everything you've seen, everything you will, and everything that has to happen? Let someone else feel this helpless every waking moment?" Draco questioned. "I can't, Amandla, I can't let someone else feel that. Because it's crushing, it's crushing me and I won't let it crush anyone else."

          "That's the thing, Draco, you're too late. This...it's crushing me. I know everything, I feel guilty for everything, and I feel so helpless. And I don't do anything, because I can't," Amandla said.

         That, of course, was a partial lie. She could've. She has every chance to speak, so say something against him and not feel so helpless, yet she wasn't taking it.

         And the last words he spoke to her rang through her eyes for a while: "That's where you're wrong. You have the choice to leave, I don't."

         She left after that because she couldn't say anything else to counter that. It was the truth, the complete and utter truth. She could do something – say something, but she wasn't. She wasn't doing anything all because of that stupid fucking promise she had made him, and while she would continue to keep it, she still hated the tugging on her heart. Amandla could say anything, could leave, but she wouldn't.

         Her breathing wasn't stable as she wiped her tears from her cheeks. She felt so weak crying so publicly, allowing anyone who was walking the halls to see her this way. But it was late, so late, and maybe she was safe.

         But she couldn't deny anything anymore; her cousin was a terrible person. Of course, she had always known this. She had known this from the days she had seen him sneer and throw insults and horrid names at those he thought were below him, she had seen the days when he made comments about the boy who rejected his friendship, and she had seen him protect his parents when they were at fault against her. He wasn't a good person, but he wasn't a killer. She didn't think she would see the day he would become him, yet there was the day. Here was the day he had tried to murder someone by cursing them. And while this wasn't an in contact murder, a wand to someone and a spell to their chest, it was still murder. He still almost became a murderer.

         Maybe there was no saving him, the thought dawned on her. The horrid thought that maybe she couldn't say him and maybe he was just too far gone and she couldn't pull him back up. And then another thought came to her mind; what if there was no saving her? She was beginning to drown, she was beginning to drown and be pulled into the darkness she had fought against for a long time, and she was losing. She was losing the fight but she didn't want to drown.

         Then she turned the corner as a sniffle escaped and she saw the last person (besides Corey) that she wanted to see; Pansy Parkinson. And it was too late to turn back because the Slytherin girl had already seen her. "Fitzgerald, right?"

         Amandla nodded and Pansy continued, "Big scandal, isn't it? News that your parents are Death Eaters?"

         "I've known all my life," Amandla muttered, "Not really a shock for me."

         Pansy nodded, "I know, but for everyone else. The rumors and all, bet you hear everything. And, well, the knowledge that your Draco's cousin and everything."

         Oh fuck me, Amandla thought. It was no secret that Pansy had a massive crush on her cousin, and honestly she didn't feel like talking about it. "Yeah, so what?"

         "He's different...he's acting different this year," Pansy said, "I mean, I know it's not really my business, and I know that he doesn't really like any of us, but we care for him – I care for him. Like, he was there for me last year a bit, and well, I want to know if he's alright."

         "He's fine," Amandla stiffened, shoulders tensing as her voice turned cold, "Everything's fine."

         Pansy scoffed and rolled her eyes, "That's the biggest lie I've ever heard. We all understand how he feels, maybe you do too, but he's isolating us...I know I have no right, but I don't like it. I wish...I wish we were close enough that he would open up."

         Amandla shook her head, "You don't understand, so don't act like it."

         "Just –" it was clear she was angry but didn't want it to show, "Just, tell him that I'm there for him, please?"

         "I would, except I don't think I'll be talking to him at all in the near future," Amandla brushed by her, walking past her like she was nothing, like the many times Pansy had done to her before. And maybe that was a lie, maybe she wouldn't have said anything to Draco out of spite, but no. That wouldn't have happened, Amandla would've said something because she would hope that maybe Draco would find someone else to help him – to maybe help him see the light again. If there was any light to see.

         And the night turned to day and a week turned into more and suddenly she hadn't spoken a word to Draco in three weeks. She didn't want to drown yet, she wanted to live just a little longer.

         Her focus was on that, of course it was, even though she was with Hermione in the fucking library of all places and the Granger girl was ranting and venting. "Lavender's been trying to get his attention for weeks, and what's worse is that Ron likes it. Can you believe it? I mean, what does she have that I don't?"

         Amandla didn't answer, looking down at the question on her parchment that she was supposed to answer. But her thoughts were thinking of Draco, if he was still continuing – if he had another plan to kill Dumbledore. And her thoughts didn't break until she felt Hermione's hand on her arm.

         "Amandla?" her soft voice came. The Fitzgerald girl blinked and looked up at her, smiling fondly at the look of worry because, well, Hermione Granger was worrying about her!

         "Yeah?"

         "You're spacing out a bit, something wrong?" Yes. The answer was yes, something was bothering her, it was eating her alive basically yet she was still keeping silent for the better of her cousin. And now...right then at that moment, she didn't know why.

         But Amandla shook her head, "Fine. Anyways, what were you talking about?"

         "Oh," Hermione blushed, "just Ron...and Lavender. She's been trying to gain his attention."

         She nodded, "Lavender's the girl that yelled out at try-outs, right?"

         Hermione nodded, "Yeah, and now she's been stalking him. I mean, not really, we have basically all the same classes and then even share Divination together – but still. And she's been trying to talk to him in the common room when we're obviously having a conversation and I just...I just hate it."   

         "It's called jealously, I'm familiar with the feeling," Amandla hid the bitter tone in her voice.

         She was. She was getting jealous just hearing Hermione talk about Ron, but she didn't say that. The girl didn't need to know about her longtime crush when it was obvious that she was straight and fancied Ron Weasley.

         "Right, you like someone. How's that going?" Hermione remembered that she liked someone! Holy fucking shit, maybe she does care!

         And she really wanted to answer terribly, because well, Hermione liked someone else and that definitely wasn't progress, but she refrained. "It's...coming along, we've been getting closer recently." Well, it technically wasn't a lie.

         "Well, I wish you the best," Hermione smiled, but Amandla couldn't help but think about how much that definitely wasn't true. If only she knew, then she would wish her the worst.

         Again, she only nodded and muttered, "Thanks."

         Hermione peered over to see what Amandla was working on, "Transfiguration?"

         She nodded, "Would be Potions, except I don't have that class this year – thankfully. I don't think I could've survived another year of that class."

         "It's not that bad this year. Professor Slughorn is definitely a better teacher and I feel like I'm really learning something in his class – you would enjoy it if you took it," Hermione said.

         "Too late for that now," Amandla joked, feeling lighter, "It's basically winter so I don't think they'll let me switch classes."

         She shrugged, "You're taking Divination, right?" Amandla nodded, "With Ron and Harry?"

         "Yeah."

         "What's it like? I mean, between Ron and Lavender? Do you think there's a connection? Is he talking to her at all and encouraging her behavior?"

         "No...don't think so," Amandla shrugged, "Seen them have small chats now and again, but nothing serious."

         Hermione sighed a breath of relief and allowed her shoulders to relax, "Good. But I don't know what to do anymore, to get his attention."

         "Sorry, I can't help you there. If I knew how to grab someone's attention, I think I would've done that a long time ago," Amandla smiled, although she really didn't feel like smiling.

         Hermione chuckled and Amandla felt her stomach soar, being graced with the sound of an angel. She felt herself smiling because, Merlin, this girl was truly amazing.

         "You're funny, Amandla, it's sad that a lot of people don't know that," she complimented the girl, which only caused more butterflies to swarm in her stomach.

         "T-Thanks. I guess, I'm just not good at making friends," Amandla began to ramble, "And a lot of people don't really want to be my friend anymore because of, you know, my parents and everything. But I understand, really, I do, but um...uh, thanks."

         "No problem," Hermione smiled.

         Amandla's eyes wandered away, a smile still prominent on her face as she looked around the library. Of course – I mean really, of course – Corey fucking Lovegood was there and he was reading by himself before he abruptly stood up and lurked deeper into the library. It didn't seem like he saw her, and frankly, she didn't think he would care if he had, and that thought in itself made her feel quite sad. They hadn't spoken a word since he bumped into them that day at Hogsmeade, and frankly, she wasn't sure if she wanted to speak to him anymore.

         That was a lie, of course. She wanted to speak to him so badly, she wanted to ask him what she had done wrong and why he had chosen to not be her friend anymore. And her eyes stayed where she had last seen him for a long while, so long that even Hermione noticed where she was looking.

         "What happened between you guys? I remember you being such great friends last year," Hermione asked her. To be frank, she didn't have an answer.

         "I don't know. He just kinda...stopped this year," Amandla whispered sadly.

         "He seemed weird at the, uh, dinner party Professor Slughorn had a few nights ago," the Granger girl continued, "More closed off. I'd imagine he'd have been the life of the party."

         Amandla nodded but didn't say anything, her sadness growing as she listened. "Maybe you should go talk to him," Hermione suggested, "Corner him here while you can."

         "You don't mind?" Amandla looked at Hermione with wide eyes, still feeling a little bad at the thought of leaving the girl alone.

         She shrugged, "I should go and meet Ginny anyways, I'm supposed to be helping her in Potions."

         The Fitzgerald girl nodded as Hermione stood up, smiling and saying goodbye, which she returned. And she stood up, going to the dark corner where Corey went before peeking slightly and seeing him with a cigarette in his mouth. Something was definitely happening to him, and she intended to find out what that was exactly.

         "You're a smoker now?" Amandla showed herself, whispering not to let anyone else hear the conversation.

         "And you're an alcoholic," Corey deadpanned, "It's nothing new."

         "You didn't smoke last year."

         "You didn't drink either, but people change," Corey quickly followed her, "So why do you care?"

         "I'm your friend, Corey," Amandla stepped forward slowly, cautiously, because she didn't know how he would respond to her.

         Corey rolled his eyes, "We aren't friends anymore, why won't you just accept that?"

         "Because I don't know what I did," Amandla told him, "Just tell me and then...then I'll leave you alone."

         Corey took the cigarette between his fingers and looked, almost longingly, at the girl, "You don't do anything wrong, this is my choice."

         "I don't see why you're making it."

         "It's for the better, trust me," was all that Corey told her, "You should just stay away."

         Amandla shook her head, "I won't do that because I care for you, and I don't abandon the people I care about."

         Her thoughts went back to Draco. It was obvious that she cared for him, loved him, he was her cousin. How could she not love him? And yet, she was abandoning him because she didn't want to drown just yet. But what about him? He already drowned, he was already gone, and Amandla watched – she let it happen.

         "You don't care about me," Corey gave her a look, "No one does..."

         "That's not true! I care for you, Cevira and Luna care for you...you're my friend, Corey."

         "He doesn't though. He doesn't care and now..." Corey stopped himself before he could continue talking, leaving Amandla more confused than before.

         "Corey, who are you talking about?" she stepped forward again, close enough that she could take his hand in hers if she truly wanted to. She almost did, but she knew that he would pull away from her.

         He shook his head, not answering, "It doesn't matter, Amandla, just stay away. Please."

         "Why?"

         "Because I don't want to hurt you," Corey softly, quietly, answered, "I never want to hurt you."

         "Why would you hurt me?"

         He doesn't answer, he takes the cigarette, hides it behind his leg and moves past her. Something was definitely happening with him, something that was causing him to drown and Amandla didn't want that. Corey was beginning to drown alongside her, but she wouldn't allow anyone else to drown – not even Draco. And with one last sigh, she left the library after retrieving her schoolwork with a plan to save her friends forming.