When I woke up the next morning, it was with a lot of excitement in my heart. My fatigue melted away as I sat up, gazing down at the sleeping man beside me. As light of a sleeper as he was, he grumbled when he realized I had moved, and readjusted himself accordingly to pull his head into my lap.

"Levi," I called gently. With a grunt he ducked his face towards my leg. "Come on, now. Up we get. Today's a special day."

I gently maneuvered his arms away from me and lowered him gently back to the bed as I slid out from under the covers. With a smile I made my way over to the cradle where Emi lay, peacefully sleeping.

It was late fall, almost winter.

Today was Emiko Ackerman's very first birthday, marking her first full year of life.

Our beautiful, precious daughter had been alive for one full year – and this was only one of many. It was morning, but about time we all got up for the day.

"Good morning, sweetheart," I said as I reached in to take her into my arms. I lifted her up and held her to my chest, her blanket coming up with her. The sweet little thing's nose scrunched up as she woke up, her little hands coming up to rub her eyes.

Her eyes were comparable to Levi's, being just as pretty – if not more so – as his own pair. Even so young, she was so inquisitive, those eyes so intelligent. Her eyes held within them the ocean, that gorgeous blue of the waves as they caught the sun, or perhaps the gorgeous glow of a full moon. When her eyes fluttered open at my gentle caresses to her cheek, I was suddenly reminded of the glowing stone of that damned underground cavern. Her eyes were gorgeous, almost ethereal.

Emi's skin, much like her father's, was pale - so pale that I was scared to leave her out in the sun for too long. I'd be as worried about Levi, but his skin was tough and hardened with years of training and work in the sun. Her skin by comparison was smooth, porcelain, and oh so delicate.

There was a tiny cut, hardly a nick, that she'd gotten on her cheek while playing outside with Levi, only a few days ago. She'd cried for a few minutes, at least until Levi ran over to me with her arms. Within moments of having her in my arms she'd stop crying, with the beauty of distraction and misdirection. A band-aid was put over her battle wound, and she was back to playing and babbling happily.

Yet somehow, I was at the receiving end of a lecture about responsibility that night. Go figure.

Now, Emiko smiled up at me, that precious little smile that was perfectly gummy and showed off her impressive display of tiny teeth. The smile that we saw so many times a day because she was so open with her emotions. She smiled whenever she was me or her father, and even some of the familiar faces she'd grown accustomed to over her past year of life.

Whenever I was swamped with work or reminded of the grim reality we lived in, all I needed to do was think of her little smile, or imagine her laughing, and I'd be reinvigorated with energy. She was hope, she was happiness, she was love. She was our future. Where in the past I had fought for myself, for my own well-being and that of my comrades, I could safely say I fought for her now.

I fought for a future where she would never have to learn to use a blade. If her only need to learn how to protect herself was because of Levi's and my own paranoia, for having grown up as we did, that'd be perfectly fine by me. I only hoped that she'd never need to pick up a knife or a blade or even a gun to defend herself.

Her scars in life should only reflect fun times, reminders of times when she played too hard or was trying to push herself. She shouldn't ever trip and fall running for her life, but rather trip and fall into our arms. She shouldn't have to experience the fear of a battlefield, the stark reality of life and death of comrades. Instead, I'd be content if she'd only had to be taught about life and death when we told her about our fallen comrades.

"Mama," she said, giggling through her words.

"My beautiful girl," I cooed, lifting her upwards to press a kiss to her forehead. "How are you this morning?" There wasn't anything coherent coming from her mouth, but I didn't mind too much. "You should know this is a very special day, my sweet."

"Uh oh," she said, something new she'd picked up saying. I laughed openly, but cut it short, minding my volume in case Levi was trying to fall back asleep.

"Not uh oh," I said quietly. "Today's a happy day." She settled into my arms, a big yawn escaping her. "Still so sleepy. You really are your father's daughter."

I leaned down and kissed her cheek again. I began to rock her, swaying side to side. Her lazy, dopey smile was so terribly endearing as she began to relax again. I'd go to hell and back for that smile. Based on what I'd already done in this life of mine, I was sure the list of things I wouldn't do for her was short. I'd brought her into this world – I'd do my damned best to keep her here. And thankfully, she also had a kickass father and an entire military legion that already loved her.

In place of a regular lullaby, I sang her a happy birthday. I continued to sway, keeping my volume low. She was already back asleep by the time the song ended, but I didn't slow.

"I love you, my darling," I whispered, gazing down at her fondly as she settled back into a dream. "Absolutely perfect, look at you."

"Both of you," I heard. I turned my head and there was Levi, just sitting up in bed. I pivoted slightly to see him better, but he held a hand out, making me stop immediately, my own eyes widening. "Don't – don't move. Just... stay there."

"Oh?"

"Sorry," he said. "It's just... this was a nice view to wake up to."

"I'm glad you think so," I said.

He had this terrible bedhead, disobedient strands of his hair sticking up at odd angles that didn't look physically possible. I tried imagining what kind of view he was seeing right now; I'd only just woken up, but Emi was fast asleep again, the cuddle-bug only wanting to snuggle up with her parents for now. But maybe he liked seeing his two girls like this, messy and sleepy.

I couldn't say I blamed him. I couldn't help but stare whenever I caught him soothing her back to sleep with his own methods – hushed words meant for only her ears to catch. Meanwhile, I had to do a whole song and dance just to get her to pay attention to me. She definitely was a daddy's girl. She had him wrapped around her finger, and he fell for every trick in the book.

I wasn't sure if he was even aware of it or not, but he was.

Even if I told him about it though, I was sure it wouldn't change a thing.

—

"Oh, honey," I cooed, trying to hush my daughter. "Shh, shh. It's alright. I've got you. Mommy's got you."

We had been playing in the living room, keeping busy as Levi prepared dinner in the kitchen. It was nearing time for her afternoon nap, so the poor thing was tired and fussy. She'd tripped over a block, not getting seriously injured so it wasn't the pain that she was crying about, but more so the shock, I think.

Whatever the cause, she'd been wailing her head off ever since.

I was walking in a circle in the nursery, hoping to get her to calm down. As tired as she was, so overdue for a nap, she was just crying and crying. "It's alright, my love, I'm here," I whispered, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

Eventually, she did stop crying, a tired hiccup escaping her as she popped her thumb into her mouth. I gently pried her finger from her mouth and replaced it with her pacifier. At least now she accepted the pacifier; when she was crying, she kept pulling it back out of her mouth as she refused to calm down. And now, finally, she was drifting off to sleep. I continued to pace around the room with strides even, rhythm repetitive, and steps quiet even against the wood of the floor.

The door was slightly ajar, and I could hear the sounds coming from the kitchen, the pots and pans clanking against each other as Levi searched for the one he needed for the part of the meal he was working on now.

In the dark room, I could feel myself grow tired. I hadn't taken a nap this morning when Emi had hers, like Levi and I usually did on the weekends. Instead, I'd let Levi relax while I got ahead on the chores we'd only have to do later. I was antsy and full of energy, and hadn't felt up to a nap, but perhaps I'd earned one now.

Typically Levi and I would use this quiet time as she slept to be together and simply enjoy the peace while it lasted, in the other's company. I suddenly felt bad as I lowered myself into the rocking chair, Emi in my arms. My body was simply moving on its own.

I felt bad because Levi looked forward to this time each day. Our nights were full of getting as much sleep as we can, constantly slipping between deep sleep and being wide awake because of Emi's crying.

On weekdays, while our mornings were spent together, during the day we were kept apart by our duties around the base. With the extreme lack of hands and manpower, both of us were needed and our work kept us in different parts of the base entirely. Oh, and we had to care for Emi at the same time. Our lunches never fell during the same time, and neither of us finished our tasks for the day at the same time, either.

But once we got home, we were split between making dinner, caring for Emi, and catching up on the chores for the day. When it was Levi's turn to make dinner, there were some nights where I'd been tempted to skip the cleaning and maybe take a longer bath than normal, maybe take a power nap, or read. Goodness, when was the last time I'd picked up a damn book to read for myself?

I never truly skipped out on the cleaning, because I knew how my husband was and I certainly appreciated keeping the home clean, too. We really only had evenings to ourselves, when Emi went down for her second nap of the day, and we both looked forward to sharing that time together each day.

Sometimes we bathed together. Other times we collapsed on the couch together and complained about our days. On some days we let out our frustrations between the sheets. This sweet, rare time we had together, and I was about to sleep through it.

I didn't even know why I was so damn tired. Today was one of Emi's bad days, where she seemed to get tipped off at every little thing and she'd go on a tantrum. I had felt Levi's frustration and so had taken her into the other room.

We loved her so, so much. Our hearts beat for her. We lived our lives day in and day out trying to do right by her, but god dammit, sometimes she was so difficult.

Not now, however. My eyes were heavy as I gazed down upon her. She was curled up in my lap, my arms around her securely. She was turned towards my stomach, one of her hands grasping my shirt.

"Goodness, love," I said quietly, "how can someone so troublesome be so cute?"

I drifted off to sleep, offering quiet apologies to Levi as I did.

By the time I woke up, Emi was beginning to stir in my arms. She gazed up at me with those beautiful eyes of hers, a dopey smile stretching across her lips as she slowly woke up. I lifted her up slightly, guiding her to stand in my lap. In the act of doing so, I felt something shift from my shoulders. Looking down, I saw a shawl draped around my shoulders that definitely was not there when I went to sleep.

Well, either my husband was a sweetheart, or someone broke in just to make sure I was comfortable.

Honestly, I wasn't sure which was less likely.

Ha, just kidding.

"Come on," I said, standing from the chair. I held her on my hip, and she set her chin on my shoulder. "Let's go see what daddy is up to."

—

"Levi," I called, stepping into the shared room on the coast. I looked around, not seeing him in here. Emi was holding my hand, and I let her step into the room and lead me in after her. "Where is that man? He's gonna miss your party, little miss."

"Like hell I would," we heard.

"Dada," Emi said excitedly, his voice catching us both off-guard.

"Over here," he said.

The two of us walked around the bed and there he was, sitting on the floor cross-legged. There was a small mirror propped up against the wall, and he was hard at work leaning this way and that as he cut his hair. The cut strands were lying in small heaps on the floor.

"Dada," Emi called again, sounding equal parts relieved and excited.

"Hi, Emi," he greeted evenly. "Almost ready for your party?"

"No," she said.

"No," he repeated almost incredulously, glancing up at me in the mirror.

"We're off to get ready now," I laughed. "I was just making sure everything else was almost ready. And, you know, parading the birthday girl around." I let go of Emi's hand and lifted her onto the bed to sit. I pulled her shoes off, despite her excitedly kicking legs. "Are you excited, girlie?"

Emi chatted away in that little language of hers. Since she's started speaking, she'd only mastered a few words so far, which was to be expected. But aside from mama and dada, her favorite seemed to be no, because that was a word Levi and I used often. It wasn't our fault she was a troublemaker – or was it?

The little thing loved to press our buttons; we hadn't even gotten to the terrible twos, and already she was testing us and keeping us on our toes. She was always crawling her way into cupboards at home and was constantly getting herself into trouble around here.

She was lucky everyone here loved her and watched out for her – if she were running around like that around the Military Police, for example, well the three of us would already be kicked the hell out. I undressed her as she continued to talk and couldn't stop the smile from appearing on my face as I helped her into a little dress. It was blue with some embroidered flowers on it, the colors accenting her eyes.

It was a wonderful evening for a party. It was fall, very late into the season, but it was unusually warm for the time of year.

The coast was beautiful – the water was far too cold now to swim in, though it wasn't like we were doing too much to begin with, due to how busy we all were. The leaves of the trees in the area had all faded into that beautiful array of gold, brown, and red. The Scouts did their best to keep the piles of leaves at bay, but by the end of the day everyone ended up running through the piles, ruining them again.

I made sure to keep Levi from seeing those atrocities. He knew he couldn't clean all of nature but had certainly tried before. Knowing that people were running through the neat piles and sending the leaves flying everywhere again would absolutely destroy him and send him on a warpath.

But one of the campfire sites at the base was expanded and more logs were dragged over to work as seats for tonight. Oddly enough, it wasn't my idea to throw a party. I was figuring our day would be fairly normal. I'd asked Nicolo for a favor, and he'd agreed to make some sweets, but other than that, I was prepared for a normal working day here.

It was to be one of our last days here; Hange had given us the official go-ahead to head back home to the base, especially considering we'd need to prepare the castle for the winter and visit Shadis to check on the next batch of cadets.

She and the other scouts had a pretty good grasp on things here, and the volunteers were readily working with us, which was a good sign. Trust was building between the two groups, something that I loved to see.

There was even some romance building, unless my eyes had been deceiving me recently, noticing how much time Sasha and Nicolo were spending together. It all bodes well for the state of affairs here. When Levi and I reported back to the capital with updates, it was to be good news from us, at least for now.

It'd actually been the kids' idea to throw a party for Emiko. I believe it was brought up by Armin, since he was the sweetheart that he was. It helped that he was the only one to remember her exact birthday. Knowing him, he'd probably written it down somewhere so he wouldn't forget.

Well, all the kids had pitched in, and while Levi and I had been told only yesterday that they were planning it. Levi had looked surprised, and I'd been over the moon with happiness. The fact that they even cared enough about her to do something like that amidst everything else they had going on in their lives warmed my heart so damn much.

I helped Emi into her shoes, then sat on the bed, lifting her into my lap. Her hair wasn't very long yet, and it was still rather thin, but there was enough for me to give her cute little pigtails. I gently combed my fingers through her hair.

She let out happy little noises, especially when I reached further onto the bed for one of her stuffed toys to distract her with. She took it happily, and while she was distracted by it, I did her hair. When I was finished, I let her lean back against my chest as she continued to play. I wound my arms around her to keep her in place, and watched as Levi stood, now done cutting his hair. He dusted himself off, a few stubborn hairs falling from his clothes as he did. He glanced at me before turning slowly in a circle, presenting himself.

"It's even, right?"

"Perfection as always," I assured him. How he was so good at cutting his own damn hair, I'd never know. Years of practice did get him somewhere, after all. "But you cut it last week, didn't you? Why do it again?"

He clicked his tongue as he walked to the corner of the room where a broom was leaning against the wall, a dustpan on the floor beneath it. He grabbed both, then began to sweep up the hair he'd cut, which wasn't much.

"It's my little girl's first birthday," he stated plainly. "I want to be presentable."

I snorted. "You're too cute," I said.

"I'm not cute," he protested.

"You are," I pressed.

"The only cute one here is her," Levi said, stealing Emi from my lap. She giggled, and I crossed my arms in playful defiance.

"And where do you think she got it?"

"Definitely not me," he said. "Not you, either. You're only cute when you're mad."

I smirked. "I thought you said I was hot when I'm mad."

"Depends on who you're mad at," he said. "Mad at a subordinate? It's cute. Mad at one of your higher-ups? Then it's hot." He set Emi on his hip and seemed to consider something. "But when you're mad at me? Sexiest damn thing I've ever seen."

"Is that why you never take me seriously when I'm angry with you?"

"Maybe," he said with a shrug. "I'll watch the kid. Go get ready, love."

—

"Levi," I called, stepping inside the house. The basket of laundry, brought in from outside now that they were finally dry, sat against my hip. There was no answer. "Hello, love?" I left my shoes by the door as I stepped further into the house. "Huh. Levi, are you here?"

I pursed my lips. I wasn't quite concerned, he was more than capable of taking care of himself and Emi, even with one hand tied behind his back. I was simply confused because he hadn't told me he had plans to go anywhere today. Perhaps he went into town? Him going somewhere, even into town, without me wasn't unheard of, and of course he was his own person, it was just strange that he hadn't let me know, or even left a note for me to find.

Unless I just didn't find it yet. The living room seemed like a good place to start, so that's where I went.

I readjusted the basket against my hip as I peeked into the living room. I smiled at the sight. Levi was laying on the couch, Emiko resting on her belly on his chest. One of his hands was behind his head, the other gently rubbing her back. His eyes were open and were gazing lovingly down at our daughter. When he noticed me enter the room, he looked up at me.

He lifted a finger to his lips, letting me know to hush, that she was sound asleep. I nodded and set the basket down. I grabbed one of the throw blankets draped over the back of the couch and draped it carefully over both of them, tucking them in comfortably and gently.

Then I pressed the lightest of kisses to Emi's head, trailing a finger along her cheek. She shifted slightly but did not stir. Levi met my eyes as I lowered myself to him. I kissed him sweetly, smiling against him when he brought a hand to my cheek. I pulled away, running a hand into his hair to tug the bangs away from his face.

"I'll take care of the chores, hon," I said quietly, standing up. "I'll wake you for dinner."

"You don't need to do all of them," he protested, his voice a hoarse, sleepy whisper.

"I want to," I assured him. "Don't worry about it."

I did as I said I would, letting my two loves sleep while I tended to the cleaning. I folded the laundry and washed a new load, setting them to dry before scrubbing the floors and windows. I changed the bedsheets, cleaned the bathrooms, dusted the corners, tidied the nursery.

By the time the house was clean, I still had some time to myself, seeing as my husband and my daughter were still fast asleep on the couch. I got myself cleaned up, and halfway through my shower – quick as it was – I realized it'd been a long time since I'd had an afternoon to myself.

Well, it wasn't really an afternoon to myself, exactly, not with the way that I checked in on my two loves every few minutes between chores to make sure they were still doing alright.

And usually when I had an afternoon to myself, I wouldn't spend it cleaning, I'd usually nap or read or something relaxing along those lines. Though perhaps it was because this was my home now, and because it was my own, I wanted to keep it clean not only for myself but for my family, and that made the chores more enjoyable somehow.

Regardless, it was therapeutic in a way, knowing that I was taking care of my family as they relaxed. It wasn't a chore, in that way, I was simply doing it because I loved my family. And that was enough for me.

Still, I enjoyed my shower, allowing myself these precious few minutes I had just to myself. I sighed at the warmth of the water as it rolled down my body. Goodness, this was nice, and oh so rare. Even before Emi was born, finding time to myself was uncommon. Hell, even far before that. Since we'd joined the military, free time had been rather limited.

When I was clean, I stepped out and dried off, got dressed into some of my own clothes, oddly enough, and not Levi's. I brushed my hair out, putting it up, then headed to the kitchen to start preparing dinner. The golden sunlight was pouring in through the large windows of the kitchen, the light reflecting prettily off the counter and other surfaces.

I'd left the windows open, letting the cool breeze blow through the house, airing it out. I decided on a simple meal for the night, something that I knew how to cook without even really thinking about it. And that's what I did.

I drifted away into my thoughts as I slipped the apron over my head, tying it behind me as my mind settled on an old tune I'd heard long ago. I hummed as I worked, watching my volume to make sure I didn't disturb the two sleeping only a few meters away in the living room.

It wasn't until the meal was almost ready that I heard movement behind me. Levi's footfalls may have been quiet, but in the otherwise silent house, I heard them loud and clear. "It smells good in here," he said quietly, coming to a stop next to me to watch what I was doing.

"Happy to hear it," I said, beginning to plate the food. As I portioned the meal, I glanced over at him. Emi was in his arms, awake from her nap. One of her fingers was hooked into her mouth. "Does she need to be changed?"

"Oh," he said, "I don't know. I didn't check."

"There could be a poopy diaper in your arms," I said, setting the utensils down. I took Emi from him as soon as a look of pure disgust took over his face. "I set your plate already. Go ahead and eat, hon."

"I can change her," he said.

"Don't worry your pretty little head over it," I assured him. "If you'd have seen the look on your face when I even mentioned it, you'd understand." Levi looked like he was going to protest further, so I huffed and kissed his cheek. "Levi. Eat, love. It'll only be a minute."

"Fine," he relented. "Just hurry your ass up."

I smiled. There he was. I went and changed Emi, cleaning her up and then washing my hands before returning to the kitchen. Levi had prepared a plate for me and put it at my spot. He was waiting patiently at the table, looking up expectantly when he noticed us enter the room.

"I got your plate ready," he said, shifting in his chair as I sat down, settling Emi in my lap. "I didn't put in too much, did I?"

"No," I said, glancing up to meet his eyes. "It's good. You didn't have to wait for me to start eating, you know."

"I know," he said with a roll of his eyes, "but I did it anyway. You did all the hard work today, so I could at least do that much." I smiled as I began eating, as did Levi. Emi was sucking on her pacifier, still half-asleep in my arms. "You really didn't have to do the cleaning, you know. I could've put her in her crib.

"She'll only be this young for so long," I said after swallowing another bite. "We have to take advantage of that while we can. I got to hold her for her morning nap, so I figured you should be able to have some naptime with her, too."

"If I'd helped you clean," he said evenly, "we both could've napped with her, dumbass."

"Language, hon," I said. I met his eyes briefly, hoping he saw in them that he was probably right, but I was just being stubborn. It was a look he knew all too well by now. But I lowered my gaze with a sigh.

Levi, perceptive as always, noticed my subtle change in mood immediately. He put his fork down. "Amaya? What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I said in the most reassuring tone I could muster. "We can talk about it later, darling. Don't worry about it."

"I'd be a pretty shitty husband to let you worry about something alone," he said. "So spill it, brat." When I didn't, he sighed. "Listen. You know that if you don't tell me, I'm going to keep asking. You know better than anyone how persistent I can be. And how annoying."

Despite the worrying thoughts racing through my mind, I couldn't help but smile at his words. "You've got that part right, at least," I said. "I, uh, well, it's kind of..."

"It's not stupid, silly, or anything," he groaned. "Just say it. Please. I want to know what's bothering you so I can go beat the shit out of it already."

"Is violence always your first option?" I asked teasingly, knowing the answer before he had to say it.

"If it's something hurting you, then yes," he answered plainly. He began to eat again, gesturing for me to get on with it already.

"It's not a physical thing that's bothering me," I began. "Just something we're going to have to face eventually. I was just thinking about the fact that one day we're going to have to tell her."

"Tell her what?" He asked. When his eyes met my own, lifting up from his plate briefly, he seemed to understand. "Oh. That's a... good question. But just so we're on the same page: you mean all the shit we've done, right?"

"Yeah," I answered. "I just don't know how or when we should tell her about what we've done in our lives. I don't want to hide it from her. And she'll find out, whether we tell her or not. It's not like people don't know who we are, and what we've done. But if she finds out from anyone..."

"You'd rather it be from us," he clarified. I hummed an affirmative, hesitant though it was, in response.

"We were criminals," I went on to say. "We are murderers. Goddesses only know what we're going to have to do before this damn war is over."

I glanced down at the sleeping babe in my arms. A quick glance out the window, and I surmised she'd probably wake up soon by hunger, if she adhered to her usual pattern.

"Oh, god," I whispered. "What else are we going to do before we're finally free?"

It just then struck me - though perhaps it was more accurate to say that it had resurfaced, because all along I knew that war was inevitable, and it was on the way – that we were really nowhere near close to being done with all of this. Levi had been fighting since he was just a child, and I wasn't too much better, and here we were, adults.

If we were normal people, perhaps we'd have three kids by now, Levi would have that damn tea shop I knew he wanted so badly, and maybe we'd have a dog and two cats to watch over, too. We could visit friendly neighbors, let the kids play in the town while the men cooked, and the women chatted.

We could bring the kids to see their aunt, meet their cousins, and hear stories from their grandfather. We could raise Emi into a good big sister to her siblings and watch as she grew into her own person.

...Except we couldn't.

We couldn't do that.

We weren't normal people. We were soldiers. We were Devils on an island people wanted to destroy. We weren't run-of-the-mill soldiers, either; we were Captains, because of fucking course we were. We couldn't bow out quietly away from the war. Levi and I could never fit into that domestic mold because we weren't built to, and there was just no changing who we were.

We were criminals.

Thieves.

Torturers.

Murderers.

...Not exactly the kind of role models I wanted for my daughter.

Our daughter, and our only one - because Emi really was likely to be our only child. We had no way of knowing how long this damn war would last. And with it looming over the horizon, there was no way I was going to risk getting pregnant again.

Though maybe that was the reason Levi was so adamant on still not using protection; if I got pregnant, there'd be a solid reason to keep me far away from the fighting. But they needed me there on the front lines.

None of the ideal domestic life I yearned for was possible. Levi couldn't open his shop, not with his duties as a soldier. I couldn't keep making kids and expect to fight as well as I do now. We couldn't have pets because we had enough to do already. And we didn't have friendly neighbors. Rather, we had wary neighbors who feared us because they knew we were soldiers and they still didn't quite trust the scouts. Levi and I had no family left, so there was no one to tell her old family stories.

Our stories... How would we tell her that we had robbed people, mugged them, threatened to have them hurt or worse if they didn't give up their money? How could we tell her that we had injured others sometimes just to make a job easier, even if we didn't need to? How the hell were we supposed to tell her that we had killed people?

We'd made her, loved her, raised her; but we had killed countless others, preventing them from living their own lives. I didn't realize I was crying until Levi began to wipe my tears away.

"Amaya," he called gently, a firm hand on my shoulder, pulling me back from the edge my thoughts pushed me to in a way gentler than I thought I deserved right now. As my eyes refocused, I locked eyes with my husband. I was still in the chair, Emi in my arms, but at my emotional outburst, Levi had stood and came to crouch beside my chair, one hand on my shoulder and the other gently wiping away my tears. "Are you alright?"

"No," I admitted. "No, not really."

"Talk to me then," he said. "I know you, and you look like you want to talk."

"I don't know what to say," I admitted. "Or how to articulate it, I mean, because-"

"Don't worry about that," he said, adjusting to get more comfortable in his crouch. "Just talk."

"Ok," I breathed out, trying to piece together what I was going to say. "Ok. I..." A deep, shuddering breath passed through my lips as I summoned up my nerve to speak. I met his eyes surely, not because I was sure in what I felt or what I wanted to say but because I knew how to read him and I needed to see exactly how he would react to my next words. "Do you ever feel guilty, Levi?"

"Guilty?"

Other than the confused furrow of his brow, he reacted in no way using his facial expressions which was troublesome. Was he really that confused about what I meant? Surely not, right? I suppose I had to elaborate.

"We live," I said quietly, "and we have a good life. After everything - despite everything - we still have our health and our lives. We have fought in battles harder than I ever imagined we would face and somehow we survived it all. And we have a good life, a great life together, even. It's certainly better than I ever thought possible."

"We do," Levi said quietly. "We fought hard for it."

"I know," I agreed, "but do you ever feel guilty for it? We have a home, our health, and a beautiful little girl - but so many of our comrades never got the chance."

"And you feel guilty for that?"

"Sometimes," I admitted. "How can't I? I've looked so many of our comrades in the eyes as they died, held their hands as they took their last breaths. There were many I could not save, and they looked me dead in the eyes before being eaten, or crushed, or whatever else."

The irony of this was not lost on me. I was safe at home, recalling horrible memories of losing those I cared about, those I wanted to protect, those I had an obligation to try to save despite the mortal risk to my own life. All of that, and somehow, I was safe at home with a meal before me and my daughter in my arms.

"Their deaths weren't your fault," Levi argued. "They're not."

"Some, sure," I said. "But Moses, when he died, he-"

"Don't," Levi interjected gently. "Don't do this to yourself, Amaya."

I did not listen.

"When Moses died, he told me to stay back," I said.

During that expedition, the one that was Shadis' last as our commander and the one that left us with only twenty soldiers total in our whole regiment... Levi had been fighting close to my side, but instinct had taken hold of me. Our battles that day were hard-fought, and the memories came back to me in a rush.

The rain coming down like bullets, the thunder shaking the ground below our feet, the mud flecked across my uniform and my skin. I could even feel the strain of the gear against my body, which was so often a comfortable sort of weight for it meant I could defend myself and fly as I so loved to do, but now, in my own home, it was a terrible burden against my body.

No longer was I safe at home, but out in that forest we'd found ourselves ambushed in. The wooden chair below me was instead Strider, my horse so loyal and so brave. Instead of tear-tracks on my face, there was rain stinging against my skin as I rode on.

Titans had broken through our ranks, taking the lives of dozens of comrades I had grown to care for. Many more Titans had grabbed my colleagues, including Moses - who used to be my superior when we first joined the vanguard but grew into a close friend and trusted confidant.

Not wanting to lose another friend, I had leapt off Strider when I saw him trapped in a Titan's hand. Up, up, up he was raised, closer and closer to the Titan's mouth.

I had taken hold of his hand.

Losing him would mean losing one of the most elite soldiers in the regiment at that time.

Instead, I lived.

He died... and I had lived.

"I've got you," I had said to him. "I won't let you die, Moses. I'm going to get you-"

He had died in that instant.

Despite my best efforts, he had died.

"Levi," I now said aloud, my heart as heavy as lead in my chest, "I let him die. He had a family. He had a loving mother, a partner waiting for him back home, and... and yet, I live."

"You tried to save him," Levi reminded me.

"But I couldn't," I reminded him. "Just as I couldn't save Farlan and Isabel."

Levi was quiet, then. That day still weighed so heavily against our shoulders, it almost hurt to bear.

"Isabel," I had said while reaching for her disembodied head. Farlan had pulled me back. My ankle had been injured, his gear destroyed. Flagon, our squad leader, had died next, after Isabel had tried to play the hero.

"Stay here," Farlan had told me, but I didn't listen to him. How could I? How could I possibly do that?

When all was hopeless, we had stood together, watching as Flagon was eaten. At the very least, it provided us the time to say goodbye. To come to terms with our incoming deaths.

"I don't want to see you die," Farlan had told me. "Would it be cowardly of me to go first?" I had affirmed it would, and he followed with, "That's our Amaya."

Oh, yes. Their Amaya, who had let so many die.

Their Amaya... who lived on even after his death.

The same Amaya who had let her brother and her father die, and had avenged only one.

"I had to wait a long, long time before I met you. I can definitely wait a little longer for you to meet me there." El's words echoed in my mind, and perhaps I said them aloud, for Levi's eyes widened. "Wipe those tears away. Can I see you smile? I'm sure you've got a pretty one."

I closed my eyes and willed myself not to sob. I'd held my father as he died. He wanted me to live, and yet... it was so hard. Even now, it was so, so difficult.

"Our daughter will eventually learn of the history of this island," I told Levi. "And with that, she will learn what we have done. I know we have to keep fighting. It's just..."

"It's hard," Levi provided. "I know, sweetheart."

I opened my eyes and looked at the man who was growing glassy-eyed now, himself.

"Can't we just run away?"

"Amaya," he pressed gently, knowing exactly what I meant, "you know we can't."

"We've done enough, right?" I plead, my voice cracking as I choked back sobs. "If we just run away, we can raise Emi, we can both be there for her, give her the life she deserves-"

"Shh, shh," Levi tried.

"I just want her to be safe and happy," I cried. "With things the way they are now, we're just delaying the inevitable, right? But if we, you know, run away, so far that no one will know where we are, when the war comes, we won't have to go fight, and-"

"You know exactly why we can't do that," Levi said, lowering himself into a crouch. He rested one hand on my thigh, the other up on my shoulder. "Use your brain, here. If we run away, we're leaving those kids you care so much about without two of their leaders. Not to mention that Hange will be running around unsupervised, too."

Despite the harshness of his tone, I knew what he was saying was true.

"But, if we die, o-or just one of us, Emi will be left without-"

"The war is not here yet. But when it comes, you know damn well that it's not something we can run away from," Levi cut me off again, his voice stern. A few silent seconds ticked by before he spoke again. "I will be joining them in battle. You will remain here with Emi."

"No," I protested as he stood, as though it was the end of the conversation. "If you go off to fight, I am too. You're not going alone."

"So we both die, then? Absolutely not, Amaya. That's the end of it. Now eat."

I did not. When Levi returned to his seat to finish his meal, I got up to pack mine away.

Something told me that was not the end of that conversation – not if I had any say in it.

—

"Here come the proud parents," one of the scouts cheered when they noticed our approach. I grinned and glanced at Levi, who wore a proud, yet serious look on his face as we arrived at the party. It seemed that most of the forces had congregated into this one area for the afternoon, save for those on lookout, of course.

Emi was walking between us, each of us holding one of her hands. She'd walk a few steps, then leap up and refuse to let her feet down, leaving us to lift her. Sometimes we swung her back and forth, other times lifting her up and down. She was in a good mood, and I was grateful that her birthday didn't land on one of her extra moody, fussy days.

She looked around happily at everyone as we wound our way through the crowd to the center. The clearing was covered in cut logs meant for seating, and a large fire roared in the middle. People were milling about, still in uniform, drinks in hand and there was a group cooking off to the side, led by Nicolo.

I wasn't sure if it was completely appropriate to drink alcohol at a baby's party, but I wasn't about to get in the way of their fun.

Of our squad, Connie found us first. When he appeared in front of us suddenly, I was surprised, but more so because he wasn't joined by his best friend. "Hello, Captains," Connie said, then crouched down to get to Emi's level. She looked at him curiously, before downright beaming once she recognized him. "And hello to the birthday girl!"

"One year old already," I heard Jean say. I smiled at him, not realizing that he'd followed behind Connie. "Practically an adult already."

"With these two as parents, sure," Connie agreed.

"Should I be insulted?" Levi asked coolly.

"No, of course not," Armin piped up, appearing at Connie's side. "What he means to say is that she'll want to be just like you guys, and she definitely will have your combined strength and-"

"Take a breath, Armin," Mikasa said. Eren was with her, and while he still looked distant and his face was blank, his emerald eyes were bright as he looked around. That, at least, was reassuring.

"We're missing somebody," I said, looking around at them, referring of course to Sasha.

"She's with Nicolo," Connie said with suggestive, wiggling eyebrows.

"Ooh," I cooed, "I knew there was something going on there!"

"We can all see it," Jean said. "It's just a matter of if either of them is brave enough to do something about it."

"You're one to talk," I muttered under my breath.

Jean's eyes snapped to mine, knowing that I knew of his little crush on Mikasa. Levi chuckled under his breath, the sound barely audible. He only knew because I told him all about the gossip I gathered, and the bits about Sasha and Nicolo's budding romance was so very cute and the gossip was oh so juicy, so I gushed to him all that I could about it. He thought our love story was better, and so did I, but the new pair was so damn cute, and nothing had even happened yet.

The night was wonderful. Nicolo and his chefs had prepared a plentiful smorgasbord of food for everyone, each piece of food better than the last. There were assorted sweets and baked goods on the way too, but those came later in the night.

But as the sun neared the horizon, everyone settled with their food around the pyre, chatting in groups. I was sitting cross-legged on the ground, my plate in my lap. I was leaning against Levi's legs, who was sitting on a log, with his own plate resting on his thighs. Emi was sitting next to me, eagerly picking at her food.

I didn't talk much, I just listened in on the conversations happening around me. Mason was next to Levi, the guitar leaning against the log between them, and surprisingly Levi was humoring him with conversation. Mason was chattering away excitedly, and Levi spoke up with his comments often.

The kids were sitting scattered around us too, in a lazy circle. Hange spent some time with us, even stealing Emiko away for a while (not that Levi was happy with that, but I argued that Hange was rather responsible when she wanted to be). But for the most part, Hange floated between the groups of Scouts, being the sociable commander that she was.

Volunteers and scouts alike came by to see Emi and speak to us, making occasional small talk but mostly asking what it was like to have a kid. My heart was on wings the entire party, especially seeing the small gifts the soldiers made for her. They'd knit little things for her, including warm socks, hats, and the like for the upcoming winter.

The entire time, she'd only cried once, and Jean had surprisingly been the one to pick her up and soothe her. Well, that was, until he realized that she was hungry for milk, which only I could provide, so I'd taken her from him and found a nice spot to feed her. Sure, she enjoyed some solid foods now, but she hadn't completely weaned off milk yet.

But at some point, without any warning, music began to play. Joy swelled my chest as I heard the familiar sounds of Mason's guitar. I tilted my head back to look up at him, flashing him a smile as he returned it. He continued to strum mindlessly, the music adding to the calm yet fun atmosphere of the event.

Emi, having just returned from being paraded around on Connie's shoulder, was sleepily sucking on her pacifier, leaning back against my torso in my lap. As the sun set, the mood mellowed out, and the sailors began singing shanties and the Scouts sang little ditties that only we Corpsmen knew. Songs of grief and love were things that generations of Scouts had written and passed along to the young ones as they came, as a way to unite us.

I knew a few, and sometimes sang them to the kids on our nights on the run. Without music, it wasn't nearly as fun singing them by myself, but it worked to comfort the kids a bit and get their minds off things for a while. So, there we sat, singing the hours away. When Emi, despite the noise, was fast asleep in my arms, I passed her up to Levi and stood only to take a seat next to him. I leaned against him, snaking my arms around him, a warm feeling bubbling up in my chest when I heard the quietest of hums from him.

"One year down, love," I said softly to him, reaching out to trail a gentle finger down her cheek.

"The rest of her life to go," he replied, his voice just as quiet.

As always, he gazed over her with so much fondness in his eyes. I had a good feeling that that look wouldn't ever go away. Even when she was throwing a tantrum, yelling that she hated us, or whining about how protective he was being over her very first date, I knew for a fact that never would that loving look leave his eyes. Not when it came to her.

Our beautiful baby girl, our lovebug, our daughter. The intelligent, cuddly, sweet thing that she was. I could only hope that when she knew of our sins, she'd still see us as she did now, as her loving parents – nothing more, and nothing less.

This was, after all, only one year of life complete. We had many, many more to share with her.

More lessons to learn, advice to give, love to show. Sure, we'll have our challenges. But moments like this... Well. It was safe to say that she was well worth the trouble. In my heart of hearts, I knew: the Ackerman family was strong, and we'd be just fine.

Life could throw all the shit at us as it wants, because we'll be ready. We'll always be ready.