There was a deadly fire in Levi's eyes, one that I didn't see often. And if I wasn't mistaken, the last time I had seen that same look in his eyes was when Isabel and Farlan died and in turn, when he thought I had died. That'd been such an awful day, a scary day, and if I felt that way, then I could only imagine how he had felt. For him to suddenly come back and see not just two members of his family had died, but the woman he loved as well...

I was so sure I was going to die on that day. It seemed everyone was; I could so distinctly remember the look in Erwin's eyes when he had seen me stand up, my wounds severe and still bleeding at the time, all to protect Levi's honor or come to his aid. He'd looked at me as though I was a ghost, and perhaps to him, I seemed like one.

I digress. That wasn't the point of what I was trying to get at.

All of that aside, needless to say, the fear and adrenaline of that particular day sparked a fire within him that I hadn't seen before in anyone, let alone him. It'd been a terrifying sort of power, with his heightened reflexes reaching levels more akin to lightning than anything else, further propelling him further than even the best soldiers we'd met.

In the moment, it'd been incredible to see, but uniquely horrible in its own way, for who could handle such power and speed and reflexes as that? But... he had. Not only could he handle it, but he was able to bend it to his will, use it to his advantage. To be present for such a feat had been, in a sense, liberating, because how could I see someone do that and not be inspired to work harder so as to achieve it myself?

Still, I had forgotten exactly how it felt to be around him while it happened, since it had been so long. But now, as I could all but see the power surging through his veins, I figured I would have a chance very soon to relive it.

Internally, I was grateful for this chance.

She had this coming to her.

After all she had done today, all of the good men and women she killed... They were people first, then soldiers. Sure, our numbers had thinned a great deal today. But more importantly than that, families have been broken up today. So many families were left without sons and daughters, mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, cousins, and even husbands and wives - unknowingly, at least until we stepped back through the gate and revealed how few of us had returned.

Alongside all of that, I had lost a great deal of friends today, comrades who I had hoped to one day retire my wings with. If Levi was the White Wing, and I was the Blue Wing... our comrades made the feathers, those that enabled us to fly. Even if we were the symbols themselves, the great muscles that enabled the wings to move, to flap... our comrades were what assisted us, aided us, helped us stay aloft and helped us to soar.

I wanted to watch, at Levi's side, as the members of our squad rose in the ranks once we released them from the squad with recommendations to be lieutenants, squad leaders, captains of their own. I was prepared to step back and watch as they led subordinates of their own. I didn't doubt their ability to lead the entire regiment, either. I'd have gladly continued leading them into battle, and I'd have gladly followed them into battle. One day, any of them could have been a fine commander.

... But now they'd never get the chance.

Yet another family had been stolen from me today, and from Levi. How many more would we lose before we could turn in our uniform and settle in for the rest of our lives? It was foolish of me, I knew it was, but I had believed a few of us to be invincible from the world and its terrors. Levi and I had lived through enough so far, hadn't we?

Surely it was enough? Surely the world wasn't so cruel as to keep stealing people away from us? Surely the goddesses with all their supposed grace saw what Levi and I had gone through and decided that enough was enough? Surely we would lose no one else?

It was getting harder and harder to believe that. How much longer could I delude myself into thinking that? I wasn't that foolish, surely? I loved each and every member of my squad. They had been brothers and a sister to me but now they were gone. Unfortunately, it was becoming more and more clear to me that Levi and I were doomed to see this pattern repeat, until we died or just gave up on getting close to people.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't notice Levi grab... what was her name, Mikasa? She was one of the new recruits, but... just when had she gotten here, exactly? Had we caught up to her or did she catch up to us? Why the hell had I spaced out so much?

But... No, she wasn't stupid enough to attack that thing on her own, was she? Judging by the situation, I guess she was. Who the hell was her commanding officer? Where was her station?

Goddesses, it didn't matter right now. Help was help, no matter who it was from. She needed only to stay out of the way when it counted.

"We'll stay back for now," Levi said. He then let go of her, and the three of us maintained a constant speed to trail the Female Titan. "Maintain the current distance," he ordered sternly. "She's slowed down a bit. That fight wore her out, too. It looked like she may have bitten the entire nape off. It's unlikely Eren survived."

"He's still alive in there," Mikasa said assuredly, and I wanted to ask what made her so sure if I didn't hope so dearly for her to be right. I needed some hope, today. After all that happened, something good to fight towards would be a damn good thing to have.

"This Titan is different," she continued, as though she heard my silent pleas to elaborate further. "It acts with purpose. If she wanted Eren dead, she could've simply crushed him. No, she needs him for something. But she also needs her hands to fight, so she's been holding him on her tongue."

"We figured it was different already," I told her, only because it was important to keep in mind. "So there is the possibility she took him whole. I wouldn't put it past her."

"It is possible she just wanted to savor her quarry," Levi agreed, "in which case it's likely he's already been swallowed. If so, he's dead."

"He's alive," Mikasa said forcefully, with more than one note of clear vehemence. All at once, I recognized her by the venom in her eyes: she was the one Eren attacked on accident, wasn't she? At the court case... Yes, that's right.

Levi took a moment to consider her words before answering. "Let's hope so."

I resolved myself to focus on the topic at hand when Mikasa spoke once more. "If you had just done your damn jobs and protected him like you were supposed to we wouldn't be having this conversation."

Oh.

Hm.

Interesting.

And very uncalled for.

I looked down at her, my eyes narrow and my feelings nearly getting the better of me. I mean honestly - how dare she? She didn't know what our orders were today, and she had the audacity to talk to us like that? Did she even knew who we were? I didn't care about our nicknames, no; did she know who we were? We were commanding officers, her superiors technically. She must know who we were, for she knew what we were to Eren?

Besides the fact she was just a recruit, a newbie, someone who hadn't yet earned the right to speak out - not that I was against people speaking their minds, because of course I wasn't - this was her first expedition, where we purposely kept them out of the loop...

Oh, I had lots of things I could say to this one.

Levi turned and faced her just as I did, and I had to admire her courage in being able to look so defiantly up at not one, but two commanding officers. In our squad or not, we outranked her. In our squad or not... we deserved her respect.

"Oh, I see now," Levi said in a rather taunting manner, and I knew right away what he was playing at. "You're his childhood friend, right? Suddenly it's all making sense."

He turned back around, and I took a deep breath to steady myself. Now wasn't really the time to chastise her for insubordination. Besides... my heart was hurting enough, I didn't need to add anger into the mix, nor guilt for chastising one so young and so clearly fearful for the life of a loved one.

"Right," Levi mused seriously, "for the sake of argument let's narrow our goals. First, we forget about taking her down."

"No way," Mikasa said. "She's killed too many of our people for that. She's dead!"

"Did you think we hadn't noticed?" I snapped before even having a chance to think about it. "Did you forget whose squad Eren was stationed with? And are you even aware that she's able to harden her skin at will? I suppose not - you weren't stationed in a spot that allowed for you to see it. For one thing, we don't know what else she's capable of, and for another, we only have so many blades, and so much gas. Fighting something with no knowledge of how to beat it is a surefire way to get all of us killed. And if Eren really is alive, who will be left to rescue him?"

"She's got defenses that none of us have been trained to deal with," Levi agreed. "I'm telling you it's a lost cause. Instead, we'll act on your assumption that Eren is alive and focus only on freeing him before she exits the forest." He brandished his blades, and I prepared to do the same. "I'll handle all the cutting. You two find a way to distract her."

"Levi," I called. He looked over at me, and there was an expression on his face that told me he thought I was going to argue with him. It shocked him, then, when all I said was this: "Stab her eyes out for me, will you? Make it hurt."

I met his eyes surely, steadily, and the shock in his eyes left just as quickly as it came. He nodded surely, and I felt the urge to smile, but couldn't, not when the situation was so dire. If anyone would make sure she felt the pain that we did, it was Levi. Of course, even for all the physical pain he would ensure she felt, it wouldn't be but a fraction of the pain we were feeling.

I could see the pain in his eyes and the exhaustion, but also the determination, the fire, hidden away in them. He knew what needed to be done, and he would do that. "Mikasa," I said, breaking my gaze away from him, and looked instead at the girl. "With me. And if you have a problem with that, I'll be sure to keep you as far away from the boy - should we recover him - for a long time. Understand?"

I turned to face her when I received no answer from her. When our eyes met, one of my eyebrows rose in a silent question, a prompt for her to think wisely before answering, and she rather wisely decided within that moment to nod. "Understood."

I pushed myself to go faster, steadily gaining on the Female Titan on one side. Mikasa matched me on her opposite side. With each pace, we drew closer and very quickly surpassed her. The movement drew her attention to us, and I turned to fly backwards so that I could meet her eyes. They were, as I had observed earlier, that icy blue, yet colder for they were impassive and chilling, as expected of a killer. I wanted nothing more than to kill her myself, but Levi had to do it.

I was content just aiding him, however I could. I would certainly enjoy watching it all happen.

She then noticed Levi above her, and her eyes met his. Well, that certainly wouldn't do. Just as I started to dive in, to recapture her attention however necessary, a massive amount of energy was summoned forth, and I could all but feel it gather within her before it was all used, in one moment, in one second.

All at once, Levi switched his grip on one blade, holding his right one backwards - a special grip only he utilized. The Female Titan turned, throwing a punch at him with speed I had never seen a Titan have before - but Levi was faster. He spun, using his momentum to rotate like a wheel up her arm, slicing the skin as he went. Not a single moment went by before he reached her face, stabbing both of her eyes and leaving the blades inside.

Well. Holy shit. I asked him to do it, but I hadn't expected him to do it like that.

As quick as lightning, or perhaps even faster, he leapt away from her and drew two more blades, using her brief bout of blindness to his advantage. He worked with stunning speed, and it was hard work just trying to keep track of him as he raced around her body, cutting her to ribbons.

It didn't seem like he needed us to distract her, really, but I wasn't going to just watch on idly and let him have all the fun. With more well-placed strikes, the Titan fell to her ass, her legs rendered useless by his cutting. She slumped back against a tree, and throwing caution to the wayside, I decided to join in on the fun. Besides, I knew exactly what his strategy was.

She might have had a hand protecting her nape, but it was just a simple matter of slicing her muscles enough to open her mouth, for if she really was still holding him, that's where he would be. Recovering Eren: that was the goal.

Tempting though it was to cut her out of her nape, tempting though it was to utilize my own talents and couple them with Levi's, we had to show restraint. We'd lost enough today; if we pushed too far, we would only risk getting ourselves or Mikasa, or even Eren, hurt. And if we don't incapacitate her properly, we might run the risk of her coming after our ranks once more.

We used the tree she was leaned against to our advantage, swinging around it for momentum as we pierced her skin, ripping through tendons and ligaments like scissors through paper. I could so distinctly feel the resistance of the triggers on my controller grips, pressure that I was more than used to. The weight of my blades in my hands were of a comforting kind, and the feeling of my uniform fit snugly around me, and the way my entire body felt connected with the use of the straps and belts and buckles, made me feel whole, complete.

My blades glided across her sinuous skin, ribboning it in some places and leaving deep gouges through others. When Levi went high, I went low, and when he tore into her, I took a page from Eld's book and left a smokescreen behind so that she wouldn't see where he came from nor where he went next.

The only movement from the Female Titan came when the fruits of our labors presented itself: the arm protecting her nape fell. We had all noticed, and were all enticed with the prospect of killing her, but only one of us was stupid enough to act on it.

"Mikasa, don't!"

"Don't do it!"

The foolish girl forgot the Female Titan had two arms, and only one had been made useless. I dove in to stop her but Levi was there first, landing against her hand as it swung up to swat Mikasa away. Sure enough, Levi managed to yank Mikasa back, yet with that, landed roughly against her hand. I was there to continue guiding Mikasa away, but I was close enough to hear a sharp, painful sounding crack, and his resounding grunt of pain.

"Levi," I called almost fearfully as I took Mikasa's hood in my hand.

I sent her a look, telling her quickly to get going before looking back towards Levi, now injured, yet still going at it. He leapt from her hand with his good foot, slicing through her cheek with the help of his gear.  The Titan's bottom jaw fell away, and there in a nebulous, mucus-covered, absolutely disgusting mess, was Eren. He looked whole, and as such, he was probably fine, for his Titan powers would keep him alive, if all went well.

"Oh," I breathed out at that realization. "Thank goodness."

"Eren," Mikasa cried out, relief flooding her tone.

Levi acted first, retrieving him from the Titan's mouth, slime, saliva and all, and I pulled Mikasa with me towards a tree, where we perched. "I got him," Levi said, landing briefly on a nearby branch, and I could tell he was being careful of his presumably very injured leg. "It's time to go."

"Eren," Mikasa said quietly, still so relieved, and quite clearly at a lack of anything else to say.

"He's alright," Levi assured us before looking down at him and grimacing. "Disgusting, but alright." He looked at me then, nodding slightly before looking at the girl to speak sternly. "What'd I tell you about trying to take her down? Now come on. We've got Eren, that means our work here is done. Don't screw this up by making this personal, do you understand? We all get that you love him but try not to act crazy."

Mikasa looked taken aback but didn't move right away once Levi set off. I nudged her, surprising her into moving. "You foolish girl," I said to her. "Haven't you done enough? Go!"

—

The Survey Corps regrouped once we were well out of the forest and were nearly to Karanes District. It was standard practice by now. We were relatively safe, but could not, of course, sit idly for long. We counted our remaining forces, gathered the bodies recovered, took note of who was injured and who was able-bodied. As soon as Levi and I had left the forest and caught up with Mikasa in tow and Eren in Levi's arms, the Titan-boy was whisked away to a cart, Mikasa following closely behind.

Soldiers ran up to us, asking us questions about what had happened, but it was hard to hear from them or humor their questions. I politely pardoned us from the conversations when they sought us out, and assured them that we could all talk later. Our priorities were elsewhere. We needed to find Erwin, now that we were soldiers without orders, and more than that, we searched the seemingly endless rows of the dead, looking for four in particular.

It was obvious who we were looking for, and it was obvious why.

With each and every recovered body laid out, lying prone on their backs and covered with blankets for privacy, for respect... It was still easy to know who was who. Their hands, uncovered by the blankets, were hands that I had shaken, that I had held while they had sutures on wounds tightened or injuries treated, that I had grabbed to help them up during training, that had... Well, they were all hands I knew. And then we reached four with distinct bitemarks embedded in the skin of their hands between their index fingers and thumbs, all lined up in a row.

Wordlessly, the two of us came to a stop. Wordlessly, we let our gaze go from one to the next and then back, our eyes searching for any sign that they were alive, for even a hint that we were wrong.

We just needed one of them to draw breath, to suck in enough life to speak to us once more... to tell us they didn't blame us, that they had fought bravely, that they trusted us to the end.

Just something, anything...

I broke the silence first. "Levi," I said gently, "do you think we could... that we should take something to remember them by?"

"Their patches, you mean?"

I nodded, and with not another word passed between us, he crouched down, peeled back the blanket of the first soldier, and revealed...

"Oh, Petra," I sighed out. Levi ripped the patch from her chest, then replaced the blanket, offered his own silent respects, then moved on. I watched as he did, my heart too broken and my limbs too heavy to even think about helping.

I watched as he gathered the patches from Petra, from Olou, from Gunther, and from Eld. When he had them all, he stood, backed away on silent feet, then stopped once he was next to me. We looked over these fine soldiers who had given their lives in the fight against Titans, to protect the hope of humanity. We stayed rooted there for a while, even as soldiers all around us bustled and worked.

To think that four soldiers, no - four people, individuals with their own ideals, motivations, goals, dreams, aspirations - were so dedicated to us, to this cause, to the hope we somehow provided, that they fulfilled their duty to the bitter end, even when they didn't know if we even had a plan, when they didn't know if we knew what we were doing.

We had known what we were doing, and had planned for it, but because we couldn't tell them, it was all blind faith that drove them to fight on... Perhaps it wasn't blind faith at all. Perhaps we had proved ourselves as leaders through our actions before.

They gave their lives so that Eren might save humanity... even if they wouldn't be there to see it.

"We should go find Erwin," Levi said at last, his voice quiet, and it felt less to me like we were out on an expedition and more like we were at a wake or a memorial service. He took my hand in his, intending to go together, but I stayed put, offering resistance when he made to lead me along. "Amaya?"

"They gave their lives because they believed in us," I said softly. "Because they believed in Eren, in him really being the hope humanity needs to fight back against the Titans. But today, he... Levi, he got captured. Isn't that..."

"He's got a lot to prove," Levi agreed, knowing what went unspoken. "He's got to prove to us that their sacrifices were worth it."

"I'll catch up with you and Erwin," I said to him. "I just want to say goodbye."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," I answered. "I won't be long."

"Alright," he conceded, letting go of my hand, but not before offering it a gentle squeeze, a silent way of telling me that he was here for me, if I needed it. When I was left alone, I went to each corpse in turn, giving them my quiet regards, thanking them for their service.

From Petra to Olou I went, and from Olou to Gunther, with more difficulty than I thought I would. The movements were simple enough, but gathering the strength to do so, and being able to leave any of their sides was difficult enough. When at last I crouched down beside Eld and pulled back the blanket to reveal his face, peaceful in its eternal rest...

"You were supposed to walk me down the aisle, Eld," I murmured, fighting to keep my voice even. "I was trusting you to..." I heaved a great breath in, gathering the nerve needed to continue. "Thank you for being my aide, a great training partner, and just..." I sighed, lowering my head into my hands. "Pick up your head, Captain, you'd tell me. Isn't that right? I'm so sorry I wasn't there to help you." I let my gaze drift from him to the others in the line. "I wasn't there to help any of you. I'm so sorry."

I stood after covering him back up. Soldiers began moving in, gathering the bodies to lift them back onto the carts so we could move out, and I watched silently for a moment.

"Captain Amaya," one of the soldiers acknowledged as I stepped out of the way to watch them work. "We're moving out soon."

I nodded my head and turned to address him. "Understood," I said. "Thank you."

I looked over the line of corpses once more. After saying a final goodbye, I turned on my heel and walked through the temporary resting point, maneuvering purposely through commanding officers addressing their subordinates, recruits talking quietly, and groups going by with extra equipment and leading horses without riders along.

Where I found Erwin and Levi, I also found my horse. Levi had, when he retrieved his own from where she'd been hitched, taken it upon himself to lead Strider along as well. The horse greeted me upon seeing me, his ears perking up as I walked towards the four of them.

"Amaya," Erwin greeted. "As I was just telling Levi, we're tightening the ranks. You two will be stationed with me in the commanding unit up front."

"Yes, sir," I responded stonily, accepting Strider's reins from Levi when offered. Only, as Erwin addressed one of his lieutenants who arrived now to ask him a question, Levi's hand kept a tight hold on the reins, staying firm even when I made to lead him along. "Levi? What's wrong?"

"I should be asking you that," he countered.

"It's been a long day," I told him. "We've lost a lot. That's all. But you should be getting your leg looked at."

"It's fine," he told me.

"I heard something crack," I replied, meeting his eyes and letting him know only with a look that I didn't believe him for even a moment. "Was it your ankle?"

"It's probably only a sprain. I'll get it checked later."

"If it's in pain, you should be in one of the carts for the injured," I insisted. "You're in no fit state to fight right now, and you really shouldn't be riding a horse either. If you're hesitant to go because you don't want people to know that you're injured, I think it'll be more shocking if they realize we both made it out unscathed. This is about more than just your pride, Levi."

"I'm not going," he said. "Leave it at that."

I dropped it, knowing better than to press the issue when it was so clear I was getting nowhere. "Just be careful," I said quietly to him. "That's all I ask. We've lost enough today."

Without another word, I led Strider a few paces away, then mounted. Levi followed suit, and all too soon, we were flanking Erwin in the commanding unit, leading the way back towards Karanes District and eventually, home.

But it wasn't that simple. When has anything been that simple?

Titans were soon spotted to the rear. That by itself was not the issue; the issue was that we were in a wide, open field, one without buildings or trees or even shrubbery of any kind to utilize. While that wouldn't be an issue for myself, it would be an issue for other soldiers, and I wasn't going to lose more comrades today. So, Erwin was quick to send out the order: "Full speed, all soldiers!"

Sure that Strider would maintain a steady course, I turned my head to look back. With the formation tightened so much, it was easy to see even those in the back. And from what I could tell, the Titans were steadily gaining on us and soon, we would lose our rear wagons.

"This could be trouble," I called to the men. Erwin did not look, but Levi did, and his brows pinched together.

"Our best chance might be to circle back and make a beeline for the trees," Levi said. "We can't put up much of a fight out here."

"No," Erwin countered easily. "Our best option now is to continue to the wall." Levi clicked his tongue and, without a word, slowed his horse from our steady gallop to fall back with the rest of the ranks. I turned my head and watched as he went. "He's not going to fight when injured," Erwin said assuredly, and the way he said it was clearly meant to lead me along.

"He wouldn't do what I think he's going to do, would he?"

"I think you know exactly what he's going to do now," Erwin spoke, and I shook my head, refusing to believe it.

Just as I adjusted my hold on the reins to follow Levi and stop this before it could happen, Erwin looked back at me, his crystalline blue eyes piercing right through me and making me go stock-still.

"Amaya," he said firmly, "you know it has to happen. We either lose them...or lose more living soldiers."

"But..."

"You're a good soldier," he started to say, and I knew right away that in this moment, I was not his trusted comrade nor his confidant, nor even his close friend. I was his subordinate, little more than someone who had to follow his orders. It was Erwin's game, the way he so skillfully managed to convince people to go and die for him and the cause. It was manipulation, it was the politics of it all. "You wouldn't want to risk losing anyone else, would you?"

I stayed quiet and watched in disbelief as Levi ordered the soldiers in the carts to jettison the bodies, to discard the extra weight so we could pull away. It worked, of course it did. But if he had told me that was what he was going to do, I would've gone and killed the damn titans with no problem. I wasn't injured. I could've gone. We didn't have to dump the bodies.

"There's nothing to be done about it now," Erwin said, resolutely facing forward. "As soon as we lose their interest, we're stopping."

Just as he said, so we did. We stopped briefly to check our direction and make minor adjustments, and that was all before Erwin gave the order to move out once more. I kept to myself, blocking out all the chatter around me. I only dismounted Strider to grant him a short rest, to eat and drink, all while waiting for the order to move out.

I really just wanted to go home.

"Let's move out!"

As the sun began to set, we approached Karanes. The sun had not yet dipped below the walls when our ranks thinned out into a few rows and progressed through the streets. We received the same reactions we always got.

There was the usual wave of disapproving looks we'd get, the tired taxpayers calling out to us about what a waste of money we were, there were the loud naysayers, letting us know that all we were good for was getting people killed, and those that shouted expletives to us, as though we hadn't heard it all already.

There were the friends and families of our soldiers, waiting to see familiar faces. Sometimes, they saw who they were looking for, in which case they'd run out and have a heartfelt reunion. Sometimes, they saw who they were looking for, but they were horribly disfigured now and nearly unrecognizable, or otherwise so injured they couldn't go say hello. But more often, due to the huge amount of loss we'd suffered today... they didn't see who they were looking for.

There were the children, staring up at us wide-eyed and hopeful, not knowing of the horrors we'd faced today. They still looked at us like we were heroes, but today of all days, I certainly didn't feel like a hero.

Typically, as would be expected, squads would walk together during our march. Levi and I didn't have that luxury today, so we walked together, our horses dutifully following after us. No one stood behind us; no one from the Special Operations Squad, anyway. We were trailed by ghosts.

I told him more than once that he should have remained on his horse, that he shouldn't have been walking, but the stubborn man didn't listen. Just as I made to tell him once more in hopes he might listen just this once, a man came jogging up to us... or rather, up to Levi.

"Excuse me," he said, "Captain Levi. Good evening, I uh, yes... I'm Petra's father, sir. Might I bend your ear before she sees us? I received this letter from her somewhat recently. Apparently, you hand-picked her yourself? She's very excited, I can assure you. In fact, it sounds like she's utterly devoted to you in every way. So devoted that, well, to be honest, her mother and I are a bit concerned, you see. Now, I know that fathers can have trouble letting go, but still, I can't help but feel she's far too young to be thinking about marriage. She has so much yet to experience before settling down. And-"

Oh, goddesses preserve  me. I couldn't listen anymore.

That poor girl.

I wasn't sure if such devotion was simply conjured up by her father, or something that maybe she hinted at in her letters over the past few months, but it didn't matter. Goodness, this poor man... In his eyes I could recognize the doting, loving look when he talked about Petra that I would see in El's eyes whenever he looked at me, or when I would peek into a room as a child while he was talking about me.

The love a good father had for his daughter was unique, and very hard to replicate, and I hoped that even when he received the news that his daughter had given her life in a valiant fight against someone as sick as whoever inhabited that Female Titan, that he would never lose that look, that he would always think about his daughter with such happiness with his eyes.

Levi was silent as Petra's father went on and on, and when he left our side, we both lapsed into a heavy, uncomfortable, nearly tangible silence.

I looked up towards Erwin at the sudden wave of yelling. As Commander, he received the brunt of the insults, it was obvious. He was a clear scapegoat, and if people were going to lash out, of course it would be at him. People blamed him directly for the deaths of their loved ones, the wasted money, the wasted resources.

The way they saw it, we had to obey his orders no matter what, and that meant throwing ourselves in front of him to die for him - so it was his fault. While this was partly true, they couldn't fathom the possibility that we wanted to leave the walls, that we were ready to die for the better of mankind. Sure, a lot of us died, and sure, sometimes, it was needless. But we had dedicated our lives to this.

That should've been good enough for them, but it wasn't. It never was, and I feared it never would be. Until everyone knew how it felt to go beyond the walls, they would never understand why we fought so hard to do it again, and again and again and again.

Through Karanes we rode, and to the base we returned at long last. I thought that once we returned to the familiar grounds that I would be able to breathe a little easier, but the fact of the matter was that it was a hell of a lot more suffocating.

I needed something, anything to occupy my mind, so I offered to assist the teams unloading the carts, but the higher-ups were called in for a meeting with Erwin as soon as we were all settled, and Levi and I were also given the news that Mike's squad would accompany Eren to the old base, and after the meeting, we were to head back there, ourselves.

By the sound of things, the meeting wouldn't be to discuss any good news. Express messengers had been sent our way and accosted Erwin upon returning to the base, so from that alone, it seemed the brass knew what happened and were coming soon to apprehend Eren.

Before heading up for the meeting, there was some time, so I made my way to the stables, only to find Levi there, speaking with Mike. As I heard it, Mike's squad had made it out alright, which was why they'd been chosen to accompany Eren. I'd have to go talk with him later, and see Nanaba, Gelgar, and the others, too, just to check on them. Our squad and his own had been close, for we trained together often, so the loss would weigh heavily on their hearts, too.

Mike walked away, and with him out of the way, Levi's eyes now found my own. I walked right up to him and gently took the reins from Levi for his horse. "Go get checked out," I told him. "I know your leg is hurting you. You'll have plenty of time to still make it in time for the meeting, but if you're late, I'll vouch for you."

"The others take priority," he protested, but letting me take his mare's reins anyway.

"Go," I told him, not in the mood to argue.

He sent me an odd sort of look, one I didn't have the energy to try to decipher. "Is that an order?" His tone was as gentle as he could muster; it was spoken not spitefully, and not aggressively. It was only meant to get a smile out of me.

It didn't work. But that should have been obvious. All I did was answer his question outright.

"It is," I said simply, stepping past him and heading into the stables to hitch the horses for now and grant them some rest.

—

My guess had been correct: we received a summons for us to go to the capital within the next few days. Not just Erwin, no, but all of us higher-ups, but I'm sure it was just so that they would avoid calling Levi and myself out directly.

It was obvious what was to happen: our custody of Eren was being revoked, and we were to be held accountable for such an awful loss of resources and life. Levi and I were sure, of course, to receive most of the flash from the brass. Eren had been in our custody, of course, and so who else would they blame?

Goodness, but how long ago was it that we had met just like this, just the higher-ups, to discuss the plan Erwin had to lure out the other intelligent titans? It would have worked; it should have worked. We just didn't know enough yet. In our tireless pursuit for knowledge, how many more good men and women would be eaten by Titans, or killed in cold blood by other people?

Our war against Titans was once so simple. We went out and we killed them. Levi and I were quite good at it. With Hange's guidance, we studied what we could. Before all of this, there had been one documented instance of an intelligent Titan, but it had eaten Ilse before we could capture and study it.

Before Eren, we had no idea that other Titans were among us, walking and talking with us, with the power to kill us all hiding deep within them, a deadly secret it seemed they were willing to take with them to their graves as the Female titan had proved.

This war was changing, and we still had no idea how to fight back.

It was, to be frank, bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit. The meeting, the state of this war, all of it.

That night, after the meeting and after reaching the abandoned base and touching base with Eren, Levi and I retired early to our temporary quarters. We were both quiet, which reflected the entire damn base, and surely even the main base, too. In light of everything that happened, no one there would dare speak too loudly or do anything that would make too much noise. No one wanted to break the peace, fabricated though it was.

In our case, it wasn't too out of character for us to be quiet, and besides: there were only three of us here. We enjoyed the peace that silence brought and had learned to enjoy it together, going about our individual business. Way back when, he was the one that retaught me to appreciate the silence. I grew to hate it after Caden and Elwin died. Being with Levi usually brought with it quiet, and it was so peaceful, so calm, it was hard not to enjoy it.

But... this quiet was different. Neither of us felt like talking. Or, at the very least, we had nothing really to say right now.

Our hearts were hurting. We were sore and exhausted, in more ways than one.

I stepped out of the bathroom in nightclothes, left the bedroom, and made my way over to the large window behind my desk to watch the moon as it rose higher into the sky. Levi was going sorting through documents at the desk, paperwork that we would have to get around to doing. It didn't need to be sorted, nor was it worth it to look it over right now. I saw right through it: he was trying to keep his hands busy, his mind occupied.

"Levi," I called quietly, not looking away from the window. I heard him pivot on one foot to face me, and I could feel his eyes meet my figure, but I couldn't quite yet meet his eyes. I took a moment to gather my thoughts. "Why..." I trailed off, my mouth suddenly dry. I swallowed hard and licked my lips, trying to summon the nerve to speak. "Why did you dump the bodies from the carts?"

I looked over my shoulder at him, meeting his gaze steadily. He blinked, his eyes slightly widened with surprise. One of his eyebrows rose as he considered my question. Of course, I knew why, and he knew that I knew. He knew there was another meaning to the question, it didn't just sit at face value. He set the folder of documents on the desk gently, leaving the room as silent as it was before.

"I couldn't kill those Titans," he told me slowly, as though it were obvious. "Not with my leg as it is."

"The leg that you're now standing on, instead of resting," I noted, more than a little bit of snark sneaking into my voice. "But instead of asking me to kill them, you went back there on your own and gave the order to jettison the bodies?"

"We needed to get rid of the extra weight," he said. "Otherwise, those Titans would have killed even more of our soldiers. Did you think I was going back there to fight them with an injured leg?"

"I knew exactly what you were doing," I said, my eyebrows furrowing. "But I didn't want to believe it. I trusted that you wouldn't just dump them, that you would remember that my authority is just as important as yours, as is my opinion."

"It was the only option," he said.

"It wasn't," I pressed. "I'm not injured, Levi. I'm perfectly able-bodied. Not only that, but I'm a damn good fighter. You're lucky I'm too good a soldier to make a blatant show of it in front of the entire regiment."

"There were too many-"

"There were two there," I cut in. "And three more, a hundred yards back. I could've and I would've taken care of them. If you had only told me what you were planning, I would've gone in your place."

"What, and risk you getting hurt too?"

"Am I not a soldier as well? Have we not been fighting together for years now, Levi? I know damn well that I'm not as strong as you. You're insane if you think that isn't clear to everyone, least of all me. But all the same, I like to think I'm more than capable of taking care of myself. I've fought Titans in groups before, and without your help."

"There wasn't anything to hook to," he argued, knowing damn well that it was a moot point.

"Oh, please," I responded with a huff. "You know I'm pretty good at using their bodies to my advantage, you know."

"Dammit, Amaya, listen-"

"No," I refused outright. "Absolutely not. Their families have nothing left of their soldiers now. Petra's father, her whole family... They trusted us to take care of her after bringing her into our squad, and we let her die."

"We did not let her die," Levi snapped. "She was following orders. The Female Titan is what killed her, not you or me."

"They trusted us to the very end," I said, my emotions starting to take over. "The least we could do is honor them, and let their families know just how bravely they fought. If you'd only trusted me-"

"Is that what this is about? You think I didn't trust you to take out a couple of Titans? And now you're complaining about corpses? That's rich, Amaya." He shook his head. "You're guided too heavily by your emotions. If you can't handle being a commanding officer, then you should head back to Erwin's office and tell him yourself."

"Wow," I scoffed, hardly believing what I was hearing. "What, you don't let your feelings get in the way?"

"No," he answered, "I don't. I do as told, and I do what's best for everyone! That's why I gave that order today, Amaya. It wasn't pride, it wasn't anything other than making sure we didn't lose anyone else!"

"I've killed how many Titans in my career thus far? And you seem to think, what? Five more would kill me? On my own, with only Strider, I could've gone and been back before the main forces made it to Karanes." Tears welled in my eyes now, but I kept speaking. "Is this just your way of telling me that you're just better than I am? That you do what's best for everyone? That somehow, me killing those Titans wouldn't have been best for everyone?"

Levi clicked his tongue. "Everyone's said it," he muttered. "I'm not the first: you've got too big a damn heart to be a soldier, much less a commanding officer."

"And yet this heart was just right to be a criminal, right? Spare me, Levi. Is it your professional recommendation that I just give my title up? It's not happening."

"I was already injured today," he said, and it was not lost on me that his eyes narrowed, the icy blue tones seeming... colder than usual. "If something happened to you, if you had gone to take care of the Titans, the Scouts would be left without its two top soldiers. If something else came up? Like if the Female Titan or another one came to attack us, who would there be to fight?"

"Levi," I started hesitantly, only to be cut off.

"Don't," he said, turning on his heel and heading to the door that led to the hallway. He grabbed the doorknob, but did not pull the door open yet. "We'd already lost enough, today."

Whatever words he wanted to say after that hung in the air, and I knew what it was he meant. He hadn't wanted to lose me or even run the risk of it. He'd lost his mother, I'd lost my grandmother and father and brother, we'd both lost Farlan and Isabel, and now Petra, Olou, Gunther, and Eld had been added to that list.

Levi always maintained that I didn't need to be protected, just as I always knew how strong he is, and always had been. He knows how capable I am. But to at least be there in case something happened... If I went and got myself hurt, he wouldn't have even had the capacity to help me.

I made to call after him, but he left the room and closed the door behind him before I could. The slamming of the door had a certain sense of finality to it, and now alone, I closed my eyes and pressed the heel of my hand to my eye as more tears threatened to spill.

I cried.

I let my tears out, let out everything that had been bottled up all day. We were used to bad expeditions; hell, Levi and I had joined while Shadis had been commander. But today had been... different. To nearly lose Eren, for Levi to have been injured, to lose our first set of subordinates...

So, I let myself have this good cry. I earned that right, today.

I thought about my fallen comrades. I thought about our squad, the soldiers who had put so much faith in us that they gave the ultimate sacrifice. I thought about how scared I was, going up against a monster that could do things no one had thought possible. I thought about how close we had come to dying today, when fighting the Titans she summoned and then going after the Female. She had wiped out so many, so many. She could've easily taken our lives too.

She'd certainly given it her best shot.

But I was here, I was still fighting, and I would make that mean something. I would. I owed it to my fallen comrades, and besides... If I knew Erwin, which I did, then he would start hatching a plan to get Eren back. I would need to be ready for that, but that could wait until morning.