Year 845:

Riding through the gate after an expedition was never easy.

Alright, let me be specific. For the most part, physically, it was very easy. No matter how exhausted I was, how forlorn, how lost in grief or fear or whatever else, Strider was a good horse, with even strides and a desire to please, and so he always did as told. So, when instructed to follow along with the rest of the herd, he did as such, without complaint and without question. Really, if I were to be absolutely transparent, I wasn't doing much.

It was the emotional toll that made it difficult.

We, the soldiers, were always quiet. There was never anything to talk about. Each expedition resulted in the loss of soldiers, that was a simple fact of the matter. To that end, what was there to talk about? The weather? Definitely not. If we were expected to think about the results of the mission and what it would mean for the regiment and our future, that wasn't up to us. Our superior officers would debrief us as they always did once we returned to the base, and the day after an expedition would mean the return of training.

It would be business as usual... only without some of our friends, some of our comrades.

Levi and I were still in the Vanguard. We remained the front line for the Survey Corps, leading the way for the rest of the regiment to follow. But for this expedition, Commander Shadis had decided to try something different, a formation of his own design that was tighter that would hopefully allow for more co-dependence between the squads.

A tighter formation would also ideally allow for assistance to be received quicker if necessary. In theory, it would work just fine, especially for an operation such as this one. We'd been in a forest far beyond the walls, one that so many months ago, Levi and I had ridden ahead and secured, at least for a time.

Seeing its tactical potential, Shadis wanted us to completely capture and secure it. For this expedition, Shadis had ordered us to join up with the Special Operations Squad, headed still by Moses. In this way, it should have been easy to secure the forest. Levi and I had done it on our own, we could have done it again, right? Especially when backed by the rest of the regiment?

Only, it had not worked that way. Not at all.

That might seem strange, so let me explain why it hadn't worked out for us. The answer, like so many things, was simple. And in this instance, well, it was simply because everything had gone wrong. Weather was something we could never control, and today was no exception. The rain had rolled in quickly and without warning, as it seemed to accustomed to doing when we left the safety of the walls.

Winter had come and gone with the arrival of the new year, and the snow had long melted. Summer was soon approaching now, and though expeditions had been going well, today had been worse than the others. So much worse. And all because of that damned rain. Always the damned rain.

The Titans had arrived in swarms, and though Levi and I had done what we could to take care of them, we had gotten overwhelmed quickly by the sheer number of beasts that had arrived all at once, and how they broke through the ranks from all sides. In short, there was nothing more to be done. It was a damned miracle we had even gotten out alive.

Actually... It was a damned miracle that those of us that had escaped with our lives had gotten even the chance to. Levi and I had survived, as had people we grew to care for: Erwin, Mike, Hange, and several others. The same could not be said for quite a few of the men and women we fought with in the Vanguard when it had been one full unit, and nearly the entire rest of the regiment.

This expedition had been devastating for us, and at the end of it... only twenty of us had survived.

Twenty soldiers. No more, and no less. We lost so much, and in only the span of a day or so. It was, simply put, a disaster. Besides so many other losses amidst the general ranks, nearly the entire elite unit had been lost and among the many soldiers lost, Moses, our old superior, was one of them.

He'd become something of a friend over these past few months. Working with him was nothing less than an honor, with as good of a soldier as he was. I hadn't gotten to know our first superior officer Flagon all that well; we'd been too preoccupied trying to find a time to kill Erwin, of course, so we quite simply hadn't had the time to - nor the desire to. But when it came to Moses...

 I wasn't sure how Levi thought of him, nor how well they knew each other, but I had gotten to know him incredibly well.

I would miss him.

I wasn't the only one, of course. But hearing who was obviously his mother speaking with Commander Shadis now... I couldn't help but think back on how close I had come to saving him, and how ultimately, in the end... how I failed to do so.

—

The Titans were everywhere. How the fuck had so many sneaked up on us? The rain was loud, pouring in through the canopy the trees formed, but surely we'd be able to hear their thundering footsteps, right? Perhaps I was naïve to think as such.

Back underground, I had never guessed that rain could be so heavy, so thundering, so cold and so loud.

At first, there'd been only one Titan, and that was simple enough to take care of. But that had only been the start. They'd appeared from the shadowy forest into the clearing we were in, forcing us to scatter. The formation shattered and a group of Abnormals - when the hell did they start traveling in groups - ran through, their patterns unidentifiable and therefore impossible to predict, making them difficult to avoid. So difficult, in fact, that their presence alone threw the entire regiment into pandemonium. And they were so dangerous that they alone killed half the regiment.

"Amaya," I heard Moses say. "Stay back!"

I'd already leapt off my horse, ignoring the worried shouts of both him and Levi, who had been nearby. I wasn't thinking, really. Instinct alone guided me as I flew right towards the Titan who was now lifting Moses feet-first towards its mouth.

Its bottom jaw dropped open and before I could do anything to stop it, Moses was in the Titan's mouth up to his chest. "Stay away! Don't get yourself caught too!"

I'd already landed against the beast's chin, far closer to its mouth than I ever wanted to be but I did not care about my fear, about my potential doom, at this particular moment. How could I? I did not want to lose another friend, and I did consider Moses my friend - and a good one, at that. He was a valuable comrade, too.

To lose him would mean losing one of the more elite soldiers here with the regiment.

I could see, far down below us, the distinct movements of Levi leaping off his horse now, realizing I was as stupid as he thought I was. But again... I thought not of the danger, nor of my own fear, nor of my potential, impending death. There had been no time even for me to fly around to the back of its neck and kill it. The Titan would chomp down before I could.

I took hold of Moses' hand.

"I've got you," I said, my voice as sure and as confident as I could possibly force it to be right now. "I won't let you die, Moses. I'm going to get you-"

A startled shriek fled past my lips as the Titan bit down, its blunt teeth crushing Moses from the chest down. His shout died in his throat before it could reach my ears and then... All I was left holding was his arm, down to the elbow.

"Moses," I said uselessly, my wires still hooked to the Titan's cheeks as it chewed on my comrade, on my friend. I stared down at the hand and the deathly grip it still had on my own. I was standing still with my feet pressed still to the Titan's chin, but with the movements of its chewing, I began to sway... or was that because of a wave of grief striking me?

My movements were jostled more when someone cut through the Titan's nape. I was torn away from the Titan and it took all I had to remember to withdraw my wires as Levi - because it could only be Levi - escorted me rather forcefully to the ground and to safety, before the Titan's body could even collapse now that it had been killed.

When it did drop down and hit the mud, and it did so only precious meters away from where we landed and sent a rush of air blowing by us that was accompanied by the heavy, coppery tones of blood and a disgusting wave of mud at us as well, I was still looking down at Moses' arm.

"Levi," I said quietly, "I couldn't..."

"I know," he pressed. "I saw. Don't dwell on it now." He brought his hand to his mouth and whistled. "We've got bigger problems to worry about, so focus."

His words were stern, and when he grabbed my jacket collar to all but drag me to Strider who arrived dutifully alongside Levi's dark mare, I knew rationally that he was right. There was no time to dwell, not now. But it was hard not to dwell, not to think on what had just happened...

As I settled in Strider's saddle, the arm still in hand, I locked eyes with Erwin, who was looking at me with those eyes of crystalline blue. He looked as though he wanted to speak with me but right now... I just wanted someone to tell me that Moses wasn't dead, that I had not failed.

Of course, it's what I wanted, but in my heart... I knew it to be true. He was dead, and I had failed.

—

Still standing before the entire Survey Corps now - though is entire the right word when there were only twenty of us left - was Moses' mother. We all listened as she wept, and we all knew that she was only one of many who would weep today. She was doing weeping now and would likely continue to do so through the night and morning and however long after, at least until her tears were spent, and the families of the others would do it when word reached them that we were back but their son, daughter, father, mother, husband, wife, uncle, aunt, cousin, or friend was not with them.

We, the soldiers... we would weep when we returned to the base, if ever we did weep, if we allowed ourselves to. Some of us would not. Some of us would. I wasn't sure quite yet where I stood. We lost all but twenty scouts. Twenty. This expedition had been devastating, but that word alone didn't come close to the reality of the situation. How the hell were we supposed to recover from this?

When we first joined, we easily had somewhere around twenty superior officers... majors, lieutenants, captains, section commanders, deputy commanders, and anything between. But now only twenty soldiers remained. The number was near unfathomable and I couldn't quite wrap my head around it, but with a glance behind me and one sent ahead of me, I knew it to be true.

What an awful day.

Back to how difficult it was to walk back through Shiganshina after each expedition... this one was far worse, by a long shot. In each instance, we were always exhausted, physically and mentally and so very often, emotionally as well. We always brought back less people than we left with. The people would always crowd the sides of the thin roads to watch our return.

It was worse now, but at least I was well-versed in how to deal with it.

Thinking about it now, the responses we got from the people were always varied, but they were predictable in their variability. I'd seen it all by now, I was sure. Most of the people standing here looked on disapprovingly. They did not - or perhaps would not - understand why we did what we did.

Were my reasons for being here strange, and not at all the norm among these brave souls that chose from the start to dedicate their lives to this? Absolutely. But I was a proud Scout now, and I understood damn well why they continued to leave the walls. It was, of course, why I now continued to leave the walls.

I was once like those people who did not understand, but their ignorance - very much unlike my own - was willful. I had not known of the motivations of the scouts because I had not been one and I had been dealing with my own problems underground. But I had unlearned my bias, and I was here now.

The same couldn't be said for the hecklers.

They, quite simply, did not get it, and so they did not approve of the idea of wasting tax money on us. They hadn't gone beyond the walls, they were born with the privilege of being able to see the sun, and they did not know what it was like to be truly free, regardless of the danger. The freedom alone made the danger worth it. Learning to fight Titans was a necessary cost for the price of experiencing the truest form of freedom we had.

There was no way for them to know that feeling, and so they would never understand our desire to go back time and time again, even if it resulted in death and injury and mental strife. Similarly, they did not understand the goal we were working towards: getting all of humanity to experience what it was like to go beyond the walls. Why would they care? They were content to stay where they were.

They were ignorant. That was all.

Of course, outspoken hecklers were not the only people who came out to watch our return.

As a matter of fact, many of the people that came to see us pass through Shiganshina were those who ignored the hecklers as we did, for their eyes were searching for familiar faces and their ears were straining to hear familiar voices. They waited with bated breath for their friends and family members to pass by. Sometimes, they found who they were looking for and everyone would watch as they reunited, happy that their brave soldier had made it through another expedition.

But a lot of the time, more than I cared to admit, and what was at an increasing pace nowadays, we would only be able to offer up all that we had in their memory to give to the family. A keepsake, their jacket or cloak, a patch with their assignment, or... in worse cases, we did not have anything to give them. But in the worst cases, what happened with Moses' mother happened, in which all we had was... a limb.

I was not a mother. But if I was given nothing but the arm of my son or daughter, I... I don't know how I would react. Maybe I would cry, maybe I would scream. Maybe I would stand silently to the side and allow the regiment to pass. I don't know. I didn't want to ever know, to be frank.

Would ignorance be better? To never know what really happened if my child died in some battle facing horrors I would never understand? I don't know.

And speaking on ignorance, then there were the children. They always looked so joyful, so hopeful, upon seeing us return. They'd look up at us with these bright, happy eyes, and these incredible smiles, and it would nearly hurt. It would. If they only knew what we went through out there...

Did we choose it for ourselves? Yes, of course. We continued to go back out and fight those monsters. But the children did not know what we saw, what went into being the heroes they saw us as. The children shouldn't ever have to know. I would be happy if this generation of soldiers were to be the last. It was hell, it was.

We had a community, a rapport, a family amongst each other but losing people so often was hard. Fighting was hard. I would not stop, but hopefully one day, we few scouts would be the ones to kill all the Titans, figure out where they came from, and stop them once and for all.

As we continued on through Shiganshina, I allowed myself to, for a moment, wonder if that would be possible. It would, wouldn't it? Levi and I certainly had the strength. We were the sole members of the Survey Corps vanguard, and even in the few months we've been here, we've made names for ourselves and we were, admittedly, getting quite skilled at killing Titans.

Realistically... Could we kill all the Titans? Sure, I'd gotten hurt and Levi had gotten his share of bumps and bruises, few though they were, but two people going out would attract a lot less attention than an entire regiment. So, theoretically...

It wasn't quite realistic. I let the thought go as I caught sight of a child. Goodness, she looked so happy, and almost like she was proud of us. Just as I did with each child I locked eyes with, I smiled at her, only for her mother to gently nudge her to stand behind her.

I let my eyes drift away, and just in time too, because here came the last group of people: the shouters. They were like the hecklers, but far more aggressive. They were common, too and often would follow after us in a crowd emboldened by each other's rage. They'd yell about taxes, blame us for the death of their very distant cousin, tell us that we were a waste of space and air and money and food and a million other things.

It was harder to stomach today than it usually was. The shouters derived people from a bit of each group; if a family didn't get a keepsake from their late soldier, they would make a scene, for example. But the shouters today were bold. Very bold. They tagged alongside our horses, getting in the way and often spooking them.

There was a man, right now, walking right next to me, and my only consolation was that I was on Strider and so I could look straight ahead and not look at him. But goddesses help him, he was insistent.

He just prattled on and on about such awful nonsense. "You had how many soldiers just yesterday, huh? What, can't count that high, can you? Most soldiers can't. Honestly, look at you. Not content to sit at home and keep a home, are you? You have to run off and kill yourself with the scouts?"

That was when the man, enraged by the fact that I refused to answer him or even acknowledge him, dashed out in front of Strider. Well, that caused a ruckus and of course he scared the shit out of Strider who reared back. I guided him back, and when his front hooves were back planted on the stone road, I backed him up further.

"Easy, Strider, easy," I said, patting his back to try to soothe him. I could see the scouts around me all start to move, but it was Levi who was there first, charging forth on his mare and forcing his way between us. "Levi," I began to protest, just as the man was pulled away by his buddies.

Levi, for his part, didn't have to say a damn word to let the man know to back off, and despite making a scene, I was grateful for it. And I was especially grateful for the fact that for the rest of the ride, we rode close to each other and the rest of the trip home was uneventful.

—

Just as I would never get used to watching comrades die, I would never get used to having the family member of a soldier blame me for the death of their relative.

But there was, at least, a certain kind of relief that came from simply arriving back at the Survey Corps base because they could not reach us here. The public surely knew where the base was, but they were only allowed to visit with a permit. In short, we were free from their judgmental looks and their snide remarks here.

I looked up at the castle as I dismounted and took Strider's reins in hand. It would surely feel a lot emptier without all that we had lost.

Still, at long last, we were home.

I found myself looking over at Commander Shadis who was staring up at the base just as I had been, but his eyes were... shallower. He looked crestfallen. His proud, coppery eyes were dull, and even the wings emblazoned on his back seemed muted. I found myself reaching unconsciously towards the patch on my left shoulder. I'm not sure what I expected. Did I expect the patch itself to burn against the skin of my palm, singe my fingertips, with the fire in my belly I had for this cause?

Whatever it was, all I felt was cold leather, chilled by the cooling air of evening. It was only a patch, after all. We soldiers ignited the flame that pushed us onwards. The wings were only a symbol. Right?

Shadis, still looking upwards, likely towards where his office on the top floor was, grasped the fabric over his heart. This expedition had been devastating for us, but as the commander, he had to have been taking this harder than us. The responsibility laid on his shoulders, such was the burden of being the commander. To work so hard, to progress through the ranks of this regiment to finally become commander, only to be the harbinger of something as terrible as this...

I couldn't imagine how he was feeling.

Each death today must have felt like a physical blow to his own heart. That was what it was to be a leader, wasn't it? To take full responsibility, to be the bearer of bad news, to - knowingly or not - send soldiers who trusted you to their doom...

His horse pawed the dirt impatiently, and that was when Shadis was brought back into reality. He kicked into his steed's sides, and off they went in the direction of the stables, leaving only myself and... oh, Erwin was here.

Levi had gone off ahead, wanting nothing more to clean up from the day, and after such awful losses despite our best efforts to save who we could, he deserved time to decompress, to relax as best he knew how. He wanted to be alone, so I had to grant him that time. Besides... Some quiet reflection would do me some good, too.

But it seemed as though Erwin, now that he had spotted me, wanted to speak with me. It seemed that he hadn't quite brought his horse to the stables yet, either. With long strides and his horse following dutifully behind him, led along by the reins, I waited up for him, as I knew he wanted without having to say even a word.

"Erwin," I greeted, knowing damn well by now that he did not want me using his title around him. When we were talking, just the two of us or even with Levi, he was Erwin, and only Erwin, formalities be damned.

"Amaya," he replied, letting me fall into step alongside him. We walked slowly, with purpose, the way that higher-ups normally did, the way they walked when they had places to be but had important things to talk through before they got there. "I'm glad to see you unharmed."

"I'm glad to be unharmed," I replied easily. "And what of you? You're like me; you tend to hide your injuries, don't you?"

He kept his eyes trained on the grounds ahead of us, keeping his strides measured so I wouldn't have to rush to keep up with him. "Do you pay attention to everyone that closely, or just those that are close to you?"

"I find that I'm quite an observant person," I told him. "It doesn't matter who. I tend to pay closer attention to my friends, however. Just like you."

He hummed thoughtfully. "Just like me."

"Don't think I didn't realize you didn't answer my question."

"I'm fine," he said, finally answering me. "My subordinates and I are just fine. How is Levi?"

"Tired, I'm sure," I said slowly, "but he's uninjured, thankfully." Erwin slowed to a stop and I followed suit a pace or so after him. I pivoted to look back at him, finding myself surprised at the look he was giving me. "Erwin?"

"How are you holding up?"

"I'm alright," I told him. "I'm unharmed, as you already knew."

"That's not what I mean," he said evenly, his eyes seeming to look right through me. As such, I figured there was no hiding it from him. If he already knew, then...

"I don't know," I told him honestly. "I've lost people before. I'm no stranger to it. Erwin, how do you...?"

"Hm?"

"We lost so many," I said. "I don't know too much about the history of this regiment. We didn't have a lot of resources available to us in the underground for that sort of thing, but this is an anomaly, right?"

"Losing so many all at once in one expedition is an anomaly," he confirmed, and I sighed. I wasn't sure if that made me feel better or not.

"As I said," I started to say softly, "I'm no stranger to loss. I'm not. But on this scale, I don't..." I huffed and looked away from him.

"I understand how you feel," Erwin said. "And... I had a feeling that you'd take this harder than the others."

At that, I looked at him, my gaze meeting those eyes of crystalline blue. In this light, as the sky darkened and became this brilliant purple color, his eyes looked particularly ethereal. "Is that why you waited for me?"

"It is. I know that you usually make the rounds after an expedition, talking to all those that were injured. May I ask why?"

"I don't know," I said once more. "When we first came here, we were outcasts. Now that we've been here for a while, I've realized that among the military, we're all outcasts. I feel like a part of this regiment now, I do. I know that we didn't join the way everyone else did, but everyone welcomed us with open arms now that we've made it clear that we're here to stay. So, I wanted to... I don't know, pay it forward? Pay it back, maybe. Despite knowing we were aiming to kill you, you treated us with such kindness and respect and I thought you were so stupid at the time."

"Magnolia told me as such."

I smiled and shook my head fondly at the thought. "Of course she did. God, that's so like her."

"It seems rather clear to me," Erwin said slowly, "that you don't want to leave any debt unpaid - no matter how small."

"My little brother died before we could get him to the surface as he wanted, and as we wanted for him," I started to explain. "And...And my father was murdered before I could repay even half of what he did for me growing up. The feeling of leaving such things unrepaid is awful, and I don't want that to happen anymore. I don't want to feel that anymore. So... whether it's as small as making one person feel better, or as big as trying to save them, or just letting them know that someone here sees them as more than just someone to be sacrificed for the good of all humanity, then I'll do it."

Some of Erwin's seriousness left his face and was replaced with something softer, something more tender, and he smiled down at me. "You've got a good heart, Amaya." Then, his face took on something that might have been melancholy, maybe a certain sort of ruefulness. "I only hope the world does not take advantage of it."

"It already has," I said quietly, considering his words closely. "How do you do it, Erwin? Stay so motivated when so few make it back, I mean."

"I've got this dream," he answered honestly, his tone matching my own. "I want to see it come to fruition. I use that as my motivator."

"Must be quite the dream," I murmured. "Is it the one you mentioned before?"

"It is," he confirmed. "I'll tell you about it, someday."

I nodded, a smile curling on my lip now. He had mentioned it, mentioned his father, mentioned a lot of things. But what I didn't have were details, and just what he thought were beyond the walls, just hidden out of view. "I would like that."

"In return," he said, "tell me your own."

"I want to-"

"Not now," he cut in, chuckling at my eagerness. "Someday."

"Someday," I repeated.

"For now," he said surely, "to move on... simply move on. That isn't to say we should forget those we have lost, no; rather, refuse to forget them. Fight in their honor, remember their names, and don't let their deaths be in vain."

"Is it that simple?"

"I'm afraid I'm oversimplifying it," he admitted. "It gets easier with time and experience. For what it's worth, I have a feeling that each soldier you met with appreciates your efforts and your time, and they will continue to. You're a wonderful addition to this regiment, Amaya. We're happy to have you."

That had me smiling again, and I looked away, almost in a bashful sort of way. "Thank you, Erwin."

"There's no need to thank me," he assured me. "But allow me to take care of your horse."

"Hm? Why? I can handle him just fine."

"I know. I wasn't doubting that. But I did notice that you gave your ration this afternoon to Nanaba."

"She fought hard," I argued. "And she looked as though she was about to faint."

"I know why you did it," he said sternly, though not unkindly. "But have you not considered that you might be about to faint? Whatever the reason, however you feel in this moment, you should go to the mess hall all the same and get something to eat."

"I..." I trailed off right away, knowing that continuing to deny his kindness would get me nowhere. If I was as stubborn as a bull, he was as stubborn as an entire herd. So, I handed him Strider's reins and nodded gratefully to him. "Thank you."

With quiet words of parting passing between us, I changed course, heading now right into the castle. It would do me some good to get something to eat. And maybe, if I was lucky... I might fall into a dreamless sleep, one void of nightmares despite all the horrors I had seen today.

Only... that did not quite happen.

—

Days Later:

It wasn't long after that expedition - that awful expedition - that Commander Shadis stepped down from his position and appointed Erwin Smith as his successor. Erwin was sworn in as the Thirteenth Commander of the Survey Corps.

When next we saw him, Hange made a joke about that number being unlucky, but I followed it up with a hurried comment that he did not need luck to succeed, and that we believed in him - only for him to state that everything he did was based on a gamble, so my effort to make things better ultimately failed. So.

Anyway, after such a devastating blow to the regiment, we all saw it coming... Shadis stepping down, that is, and so too did we expect his successor to be Erwin. Who was as qualified for the position as he was?

With a regiment so small, a public so divided in their trust in us, and decreasing funds, Erwin had his work cut out for him, but he had the intelligence, the foresight, and the courage to push through it. He was just that kind of man, just that kind of leader.

If I didn't know any better, and I believed in that sort of thing, I would say he was born for such a role, but the truth of the matter was that he forged himself to fit into it. He trained himself, mentally and physically, to play the part well. Even when simply a squad-leader, he carried himself with all the pride and power of a commander.

And now... it just felt right to call him Commander Erwin Smith.

I suppose what surprised us most was how he restructured the regiment. With nearly all the other section commanders, squad leaders, and captains left dead, he had a lot to consider, and while I knew there were some incredibly talented leaders in the making among the twenty of us that survived, I did not expect myself and Levi to be at the top of his list for who to promote to Captains.

He brought us both into his office one day. He hadn't quite set everything away just yet, so it was a mess of books and trunks and untidy stacks of paper. It was a labyrinthian sort of room as it was now, and just being in it for the few minutes we were seemed to piss Levi off to no end. But with a stern look from me, I let him know that it had to be important, and so we stayed.

Simply put, Erwin got right to business when he rounded the desk only to lean back against it in a casual manner.

"I'd like to ask you both to accept positions as Captains of the Survey Corps."

Well, holy shit.

"Huh?" The simple word had been uttered by Levi, who looked incredibly confused, yet at the same time, incredibly annoyed at such a proposition.

"Your skill is obvious," Erwin explained, looking at Levi, then at me. "Both of you. Your innate instinct for battle is clear, you are both dedicated to this regiment, and your strength is unmatched. I see great leadership potential in you both. Levi, I ask that you lead the Special Operations Squad. Amaya, should you accept, you would head the Vanguard. They are both prestigious and honorable positions. I ask that you consider accepting them."

They were, as he said, both incredibly honorable positions to hold. To be the leader of the Vanguard... it was quite the honor to even be considered. But... doing so would mean being away from Levi's side during battle. That hadn't happened yet. And the one time he went on ahead...

Best not to rehash. Still, Erwin could very well just order us to take command, wouldn't he? He was our commander. And so, just as I opened my mouth to ask something, Levi spoke up.

"If we're to lead, we're to do so together."

What?!

I glanced over at him, shock written across all my features and hell, his words even seemed to surprise Erwin, whose eyebrows rose towards his hairline incredulously. Levi only crossed his arms over his chest, leaned back in the chair, and crossed one leg over the other, the very picture of nonchalance.

"That's not what I said, Levi."

"I'm well aware," Levi replied back, his voice as even and as sure as ever. "That skill you've said we display, it is only because of each other."

It was simple, but it was a lie. An obvious one, even to Erwin. I watched Erwin's face closely, searching for changes within it, and ah, there it was. He caught on. The look in his eyes made it clear. Erwin knew damn well we worked just fine when apart. That was clear from training. But separating us on the field would put us both on edge.

If forced to fight apart, we would. But I had to admit... I'd be worried about him the whole time, and I knew the same to be true for him.

"I am well aware that you two are romantically involved," he said, and I glanced sidelong at Levi. Were we so obvious? I thought we had hid it well. Perhaps Erwin really was that perceptive. "I haven't said anything thus far considering how talented you two are, and how professional you two are in the presence of the other soldiers. However, I'm afraid I cannot allow you two to lead together. Not only is it an unconventional form of leading, it can be a conflict of interest. While I'm sure those of this regiment would not mind, the brass might disagree."

"You think we would prioritize saving each other?"

"I do. I cannot set aside that possibility."

"If that is the case," I spoke up, "then do you not think it would be a bigger issue if we were across the formation from each other? I can assure you, it would set us both at ease if we could see each other. We also - as you have seen time and time again - work better when together. There is hardly a soldier here that can keep up with either of us, aside from each other."

Erwin let out a breath and let his shoulders slump slightly. "I'd argue more, but I know that you're right. You're an impressive pair."

"So?"

"So," he said slowly, his tone measured and even, "it can be arranged. Just keep in mind that if there is a conflict of interest, if I see even a hint of you prioritizing the safety of each other over your subordinates, then I will be forced to separate you."

"Being comrades means that by nature we will have to protect each other, to some degree," I said. "But rest assured, we will put the good of the many before the good of each other. And we're both perfectly capable soldiers."

"Yes," he agreed. "This I know."

"So give us a straight answer, Erwin," Levi said, and I shared a look with Erwin. Only he would have the audacity to speak with a commander like that. Erwin took a good, long moment to relax and let an easy smile grace his face - all at his leisure, and on his time, leaving us waiting.

"I believe," he finally said, "that I am now speaking to joint commanding officers of the Survey Corps Special Operations Squad, Captains Levi and Amaya."

"And I believe that we will do our best for this regiment and for you," I said, grinning now. "Thank you, Commander Erwin."

When we stood, shook Erwin's hand, and left his office... I took hold of Levi's hand. I don't think there was a time when I felt prouder to bear the Wings of Freedom on my back than at this moment.

—

"I'm not sure if I ever told you," I said, sauntering up to Levi in a casual way, my fingers linked behind my back and the slyest of smiles on my lips, "but the uniform suits you."

If he was fazed by my words or by my tone, he didn't reveal as such on his face. All he said was: "Something's got you in a mood. What is it?"

"We just got promoted," I said. Wasn't it obvious? "That's two promotions and we haven't even been here for a year, yet."

"This promotion comes on the back of the deaths of nearly the entire regiment."

That had my mood sobering quickly. "I know," I said softly, noting the way that his eyes seemed guarded, more so than they usually were. But he couldn't hide such things from me. It bothered him. There was no way it didn't. "How are you feeling, Levi? And don't give me the I'm fine thing."

"I don't know what you want me to tell you."

"I want you to tell me how you feel," I said to him. "How you honestly, really feel. I know you handle loss well, and I know you've a lot of it. But that doesn't make it easier on you. Am I right?"

He was quiet.

"If we're to stay here, I want you to know that you can be vulnerable around me," I went on to say. "That expedition was hard, and I'm sure we're only going to keep losing comrades. I don't want you to feel like you have to bottle everything up anymore. It's not healthy, and I think you know that."

Perhaps here, on the roof, the most isolated part of this castle... perhaps he would open up.

"I know that for as aloof as you act," I continued, reaching out to take one of his hands into my own, "you take it all to heart. You care for your comrades, just as much as I do, as Erwin does, as we all do. But I want you to know that for as strong as you are, it's ok to be vulnerable sometimes."

"That's only ever brought me trouble."

"If you're around people who would take advantage of it, sure," I mused. "But I would never do that to you. Do you think I would?"

"No," he said, and for the life of me, I thought I saw something like regret in his eyes. Maybe it wasn't regret, but whatever it was, it was something incredibly dark, incredibly sad, and... he looked as though he needed to be held. "No, I don't."

"I think you put too much pressure on yourself," I said softly, lifting my free hand slowly towards his face, looking for any sign that he did not want me to. But I saw nothing of the sort and when my palm came to rest against his cheek, he leaned into my touch, if only slightly. "We can't save everyone. That day, I couldn't even save Moses. And now... we've taken his spot, haven't we?"

Levi nodded.

"Let's just make sure no one ever has to take our spot," I said. "Cruel as it might sound... I don't want to lose you. Not now, when we're here on the surface. Not now, when we've finally decided to... to..." All coherent thoughts left my mind as he started to lean in, his head tilting just so...

I closed my eyes and met him halfway.

This kiss was sweet, and it was slow, and it shared what so many words could not. He did not believe in the power of words, in such silly things like promises or saying that he wouldn't allow anyone to take our place as I suggested.

What he believed in was something far more tangible than that.

Of course, what was slated for the future would come with time. We could not control that as of yet. So for now, what better way to seal our efforts in stone, our conviction, than a kiss? It was all we could do right now, to that end.

The kiss spoke where words could not.

And so when I drew away, I found myself at a loss for words... or nearly.

My eyes were trained on his lips as I licked my own, gathering the breath to speak. "Captain Levi," I murmured softly, letting the hand that had been on his cheek tuck beneath his chin, my thumb grazing across his bottom lip. I looked into his eyes, finding those beautiful skies of blue to already be on my own. "I like the sound of it."

"You were saying something before," he responded quietly. "About the uniform."

"Ah," I said, smirking now. "Fishing for compliments, are you? I was saying it suits you. It looks good." I let go of his hand to palm the patch above his heart. "And it'll look better when this patch here says that you're an official captain."

"And what of yours?"

"We're not talking about me," I said with a laugh. "We're talking about you, and how cute you were to demand that we lead together, or not at all."

"That wasn't... I'm not cute."

"You don't get to see yourself every day," I argued. "I think I get to make that call, not you."

"Is that right?"

"It is," I affirmed. When another laugh escaped me, he grew indignant, drawing away to glare at me.

"The hell are you laughing at?"

"You're adorable when you're flustered," I noted. "You've got this cute little blush, and-"

"That's enough," he huffed, pressing his palm to my mouth to keep me from speaking. It didn't matter; what I wanted to say was written in my eyes, and all too soon, his other hand was placed over my eyes, making me laugh some more.

I took his wrists into my hands and peeled them away from my face, uttering apology after apology, all hurried, and all with a smile on my face, and all of which he did not believe.

"Just stay quiet," he muttered, tearing his wrists from my grip. I let go easily, a smug smile sitting on my lips.

"We've gone over how best to keep me quiet before, haven't we?"

Even as he clicked his tongue with annoyance, he set his hands on my shoulders and pulled me towards him. I met his kiss eagerly, giggling a little against him at such blatant enthusiasm. I set my hands on his waist, responding to each movement he made.

Before he could, I started to walk him backwards, guiding him - as he had once to me - towards the door leading down, back into the base. Wordlessly, he obliged, and he did not protest in any form. Emboldened by this, I continued, and all too soon I had him pressed against the door with my weight against his.

Some sort of contented noise escaped him, but before I could gratify it in any way, he drew away, breaking the kiss. "Levi?"

"Shut up," he hissed, his cheeks flushed more than they were before. "Just shut up."

My gaze softened and I pressed a kiss to his cheek. "Don't be ashamed, love," I murmured when I drew away. "There's nothing to be embarrassed about, Levi."

His eyes, which had fluttered closed as I kissed him, flew open at my words. "What did you just call me?"

"Hm? I said Levi. That's your name. Don't tell me I've had it wrong all this time!"

"Not..." He huffed, probably at my idiocy. "Not that. That is my name. I meant... the other one."

I thought back, but it didn't take long for me to remember what I had said. "Oh, that? I called you love. Is that alright? It just came naturally, I'm sorry if it made you uncomfortable."

"It's not that," he mumbled, looking away, and it took all I had not to outright coo at how cute he was. He added, quietly, "I liked it."

"Did you?" I'm not sure why, but the sound of him saying that had me smiling and my cheeks darkening. "I'm glad."

"Again," he said, a near-silent demand. I leaned in, resting my forehead against his and resettling against him to hug his frame more comfortably, just as his hands readjusted for his fingers to link behind my neck. "Again, Amaya."

"Whatever you want, love," I said slowly, deliberately, almost teasingly. I tugged him away from the wall and he followed, letting me wrap my arms around him in a real embrace.

He ducked his nose towards my neck, his breath ghosting across the delicate skin there as he spoke. "Conflict of interest, my ass," he mumbled against me. "I'm not letting anything happen to you."