"Eren Yeager is dead."

"...What?"

I lifted my eyes from the cup of tea in my hands to meet the inquiring gaze of Reyes and the disbelieving look from Edith.

Honestly, I wasn't sure if it was the right way to start the story, but I hadn't had a lot of time to prepare. Only moments ago, when Edith had seen my injury, she'd murmured a faint, "Amaya, darling," and I knew what she wanted to ask even as she backed away.

"Emi," I had said, looking down at my daughter, and prompting Edith to take another step back. "Didn't you have to use the bathroom?"

"Oh, right!"

She slid off the couch after that, and Reyes called for his son to help her out. "Alright," Kai said dutifully. "Come on, then." 

He'd been hovering in the doorway at that point, and now I still didn't know if he'd seen my injury, but I let my eyes trail after the, Emi as she ran to take Kai's hand and head off to the bathroom. When they left the room, my eyes didn't quite want to focus on anything. They had drifted to the floor, ignoring the way that Reyes and Edith both were still looking at me.

I'd asked then for my cup of tea, and Reyes, as if coming back from a trance, blinked a few times as he forced his eyes away from my injury. He handed me my cup and I took a long sip as I gathered my words. When I lowered the cup, I focused my gaze onto the tea left in the cup, refusing to still in my shaky hands.

"Amaya, how did that... No, better question. What happened? Starting from the day I saw you last?"

That was what led to now. "Eren Yeager is dead," I had said. It was the truth, but it was a harsh one to accept, because I had not been there. I had not seen it for myself. But I knew it to be true, because he had come to me... to say goodbye.

"After I left you and Emi at the inn," I started again, "I headed towards the fortress. I made it there and saw Zeke Yeager sitting atop the wall."

"Zeke Yeager," Reyes said, "was who Levi was watching, wasn't he?"

"Yes," I answered. By now, Edith had settled into the armchair beside the couch. Their daughters were putting the groceries away in the kitchen, leaving us alone in the living room. The couple sat still, not daring to speak or look away from me.

"Zeke was there, but Levi was not," I continued. "It was hard not to think the worst. But I went inside, got orders from Pixis, and then took off to join the fight. As you'd seen, there were zeppelins, soldiers paradropping into the city, and several titan shifters. Eren, Zeke, Reiner, the Cart, and the Jaw."

I'm sure neither of them knew what any of the Titans looked like, nor recognized the names of them. It didn't matter. I continued with the story.

"Of course," I sighed out, "none of that accounts for the many dozens of soldiers that were turned into Titans."

"How?"

"The wine," I answered easily. "I know I mentioned it in my letter but I didn't explain it, did I? Zeke contaminated it with his spinal fluid, meaning that he could turn them into Titans on command and control them. And that's what he did. I spent my time alone, fighting Marleyan soldiers and Titans alike, until the Rumbling happened."

"You fought alone?" Edith asked. "Amaya dear, that's-"

"Irresponsible and reckless, I know. I didn't really care what happened to me. I was exhausted and thought that Levi was dead. I didn't care about what happened to my life. Thankfully, others did. After the Rumbling, I made my way back to the fortress and I learned that Hange had been taken by Floch, leader of the Yeagerists, to go find Levi. Only Floch returned. But one night I stumbled onto a meeting between Hange and the kids of my squad, planning to leave and go after Eren. And they did."

I took another long sip of my tea. My heart felt heavy, my limbs like lead. Having to recount what had happened was difficult, far more than I would've imagined. Emi and Kai, holding hands, came back to the living room but he stalled in the doorway. Seeing that we were having an adult conversation, he gently led her back out.

"I managed to weasel my way along with them," I went on to say. "No one wanted me there, but I went anyway. And finally, I was able to meet the alliance that had formed without me. Levi was with them." I could hear Edith suck in a breath, holding it with anticipation of my next words; surely to either release it with relief or dread, depending on what my words were. "He was alive."

"Oh, thank goodness," Edith breathed out, just as I'd expected.

"He wasn't exactly in good condition," I stipulated right away. "Zeke had pulled that wine trick on the soldiers who'd been there watching him. All thirty soldiers accompanying Levi were turned into titans. Zeke seemed to forget that Levi is the single greatest titan-killer on Paradis. He killed them all, then defeated Zeke. When he was coming back home, he tied Zeke up with a Thunderspear attached to him. Any movement, and he'd get blown up. Zeke was suicidal, all for the chance to kill Levi. It... nearly killed them both."

"How incredibly awful," Edith said quietly. "To almost kill yourself, just to hurt someone else. He's a monster."

"He is," I agreed. "Anyway, I was there, so there was no keeping me out of the fighting anymore. The very next day was when this all happened," I said, gesturing to myself with a vague wave of my hand. "We made it to the harbor, but the Yeagerists beat us to it."

"That's such a dumb name," Reyes muttered, and I nearly laughed.

"There was a flying boat we could take to go after Eren," I continued, "but with the Yeagerists there we couldn't exactly take the time to service it, so we decided to take the boat it was attached to. To give the boat time to prepare, we had to fight. I found myself offering cover fire but got attacked from behind. I got a grapple in my leg and got caught. They thought I could be used to lure Levi out and so they were going to torture me. That's how I lost the ear. They'd have done more if they weren't distracted."

"Distracted? By what?"

"A little boy, a Marleyan warrior candidate, transformed. He wasn't supposed to have one yet, but he took one just before the Rumbling," I told them. "One ran out to go help the other Yeagerists. The other stayed back and... cut off my ear. But I think she got distracted too."

"By...?"

"I was unconscious by then, but one of the boats was blown up. Only, I'm not sure which boat it was. Everyone had already boarded the ship with the flying boat on it. There were multiple boats there, sure, but I had no idea if it was the one that they were on or not. I was still, you know, not ok from the whole losing an ear thing so I didn't find out until long after it happened."

"So, you don't know if..."

"No," I said once Edith trailed off, knowing what she was going to say. "They might all be dead, Levi included. But even if they set off after Eren, I'm not sure how exactly to beat Eren if they could even catch up. I... honestly think it might've been a suicide charge no matter how you look at it. Because people who will commit mass genocide aren't exactly the kind of people who would be willing to stop for a chat to talk things through. And to kill him would require numbers we didn't have."

"But you're here, at least," Edith tried.

I couldn't hold my temper back, even though I tried really hard to.

"Why does that matter? My husband and the kids I've trained for years could be dead!" I could feel the familiar stinging of tears forming in my eyes and a pressure built in my sinuses as I tried my hardest not to cry right now. "It took all I had in me to get there in the first place, and I couldn't do a damn thing! And now look at me: a bum leg, one ear gone, and they could very well be dead! I've done nothing, yet I'm alive! Why do I get to live, when people who have done so much more than me have to die?! What have I done to deserve this?"

"Amaya, honey-"

"I'm sick of it! I get off easy while everyone else is forced through so much more! I want to do more for them but whenever I try, I get stopped! Why the hell do I even try?! They didn't want me there, but I went anyway, and look what it got us! I didn't do anything, yet I'm the one who gets out ok?!"

"You're hardly ok," Edith said.

"It's better than being dead, isn't it?" Tears rolled down my cheeks in uneven streaks, lining my face. Once again, I'd been allowed to live. Fate was a cruel mistress. "I'm alive but don't know what the hell happened to them! Everyone I've ever loved has left me or died and I thought that for once things might have been alright - just this once! We were supposed to be heroes, heroes that save the entire world! Even if I go home, I'll be constantly reminded of everyone. Erwin picked out the damn house, I shared it with Levi, and they'd all come over for dinners and, and... god damn it!"

"Amaya..."

"There were bits and pieces of everyone I have loved in that house. They're still fighting. Why me? Why do I get to live, to be ok? I thought maybe I would finally prove myself. But I can't fight anymore," I hissed. "Without that, what am I?! If I lose my wings, and I'm not a soldier, I'm not the Blue Wing, I've got nothing!"

"That's not true, and you know it," Reyes said.

"Just one more fight," I said weakly. "That's what I always tell myself. Just one more can't hurt, right?" I shook my head. Tears dripped from my chin to my lap, my tea. "This time, it hurt. I took out some of the enemy, sure. But just look at me. I've no idea if they're even alive. Or if I even helped. I just can't help but wonder if it was worth it."

"I'm sure it was," Reyes said gently. "Even when I was with the MP's, it was never quite to this scale, but I at least understand that feeling."

I met his eyes and held his gaze for a moment. "It's different," I said quietly. "You didn't have to fight your own comrades, kids you'd trained."

"No, but I was disgusted when I learned about what the Interior Squad had been doing. And when I learned that one of them killed El..." He sighed. "It's not quite the same, as I said. I know that. I was never dragged into a global war. I've never had to kill one of my subordinates, or had them fight me aside from arguing against some of my orders here and there. But I've seen my comrades fall, my superiors and those I've trained alike. It was always tough. But you've done a whole hell of a lot good, Amaya. And... I know, Amaya."

My gaze turned skeptical. "Know what, exactly?"

Reyes' eyes were soft, his gaze warm as he regarded me. He spoke slowly, as if I were an animal that would run away if spooked. "About you never thinking you actually did any good. I know people have tried to lecture you about it before, right? I'm sure it wouldn't help to get that talk from me, but they're all right. But you know El wouldn't exactly like you thinking like that, would he?"

"He wouldn't like me being a soldier either," I argued. "He wanted me to grow up and be normal, whatever the hell that was."

"He gave up a lot for you," he reminded me. "But he loved you far too much to give you anything less than all he had. For you to fight recklessly, without caring if you lost your life, when there are so many that would be affected by your passing..."

"I know," I sighed. "I appreciate everything you've done for me, too. And everyone else I love. But just thinking of living without Levi scared me."

"You've still got a family," Edith said. "You have Emiko, and you've got us."

I looked at them each in turn, the slightest ghost of a smile on my lips. But then I drew my bottom lip between my teeth and looked down. "Eren Yeager is dead, and the Rumbling is over. But the fighting isn't over. If the Rumbling wasn't stopped, the entire world would have died. But it is over, and now the world might retaliate. That's what I'm most scared of now."

"We've every right to be scared about that," Reyes agreed, "but you're an injured soldier now. It's not your responsibility anymore."

That's... that's what did it for me. I couldn't help but hunch over, my head hanging low as I started to cry in earnest again. I wasn't ashamed to be seen like this, bawling my eyes out. I trusted this family. That had never been the issue. The issue now was that he was correct. He was absolutely right. If they did stop the Rumbling and the world came back to Paradis, I really would not be able to do a damn thing. And that was scary. Now, it didn't matter if I wanted to fight or not.

All these years, I'd had that choice made for me by others. I'd had to stowaway to Liberio, to meet the Alliance. And now, my own body was keeping me from rejoining the battle.

That was a scary thing. I was powerless now. Powerless to protect Emi if I needed to. If I did as Hange wanted and continued my post in the military purely from a diplomatic, political side of things, I'd be an easy target because quite frankly, I was useless now. If I hadn't been before, I certainly was now.

Life was cruel. I'd gone my whole life believing I was useless when I had power and had used it. I'd helped people. Lots of people. I supposed even checking in had done a lot of good for the people I'd been around. I didn't think it would take almost dying and realizing what it truly meant to be useless for me to realize just how useful I'd been.

But I would take living like that over being injured like this. Millions of regrets raced through my brain.

...I should have stayed here. If I'd have stayed here, I wouldn't be powerless. I wouldn't be hurt. I could still fight if they needed me to. I could protect Emi. Hange was right. I really should have just stayed put. If I'd stayed here, I wouldn't have put Emi and Reyes at risk.

I wouldn't have known about Levi, but I'd have been one less thing for him to worry about at the port, worrying about not being able to help me when he's the one who needs it more. They needed... him, more. Not me. They had who they needed. I was just another target. And I'd done the one thing I wasn't supposed to: get captured.

Even as so many regrets raced through my mind, Levi's voice rang through, disrupting the dissonance cleanly, and as clear as a bell: "The only thing we're allowed to do is to believe that we won't regret the choice we made."

Did I really regret doing what I did? No. I knew for sure that every single version of me would have picked to leave, to go fight, because otherwise it wouldn't have been me. I would always choose to fight. I'd never been complacent, able to just sit still while others fought for what I wanted.

That just wasn't who I was. It wasn't how my father had raised me. Being complacent would mean being passive, and goddesses only knew I was anything but passive. I wanted a good life for my daughter and husband. That would only come if I fought for it. If I got to enjoy the fruits of their labors, I'd have never been able to live with myself.

In this way, El had taught me to be strong. Not just physically, that had been a side effect. No, before anything else I was headstrong. I really would have no right to complain if the future didn't end up how I wanted it to if I didn't fight. And that's why I did.

That's why I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that I did not regret my decisions. I'd been with Levi and my scouts in what could have possibly been their final moments. I'd always pick to fight alongside them. I'd gotten injured but it was a testament to what I'd been fighting for. To whom I was fighting for.

As if knowing I'd been thinking about her, Emi came running into the room. "Mommy!" I barely had the time and instincts to lift the teacup out of the way with one hand before welcoming her embrace with the other. With an arm wrapped around her, I helped her climb up into my lap. "Why are you crying, mommy?"

"Your mother's been through a lot these past few days," Reyes explained to her.

Emi was knelt in my lap, her hands planted on my cheeks and her blue eyes blown wide as she gazed up at me. I looked down at her, smiling even as my watery eyes made it hard to focus on her. I set the teacup down on the arm of the couch and ran that hand through her hair. I dropped a kiss to her head then pulled her against me in a gentle hug. I rested my cheek atop her head as she threw her arms around my neck.

"I don't like it when you cry," she said softly. I swore my heart skipped several beats. Honestly, how had I been blessed with such a wonderful daughter?

"I know, sweetheart," I cooed. "I won't cry anymore. I've just had a sad few days without you."

"Stop being sad," Emi said. "It makes me sad too."

"I'll try," I replied.

"Are you sad because daddy isn't here?"

"Yes," I answered. "There's a lot, Emi. I did my best to bring him home, but I don't know where he is. I'm sorry, sweetheart."

"He'll come home! He will!"

Stunned by her firm belief in him, I could do little more than nod. Perhaps I should take a cue from her? Perhaps I was silly for not believing in him - but it wasn't that I didn't, I was just... No, not realistic. I was being overly pessimistic. I needed help in the worst way and perhaps this was just what I needed.

She drew away, staring up at me defiantly. "You gotta promise! No more being sad!"

My eyes widened as I peered down at her again. Something about this situation seemed terribly familiar to me. A faint memory - so faint I could hardly remember details, but I could distinctly tell it was my own - tugged at the back of my mind. I was tempted to recall it, but I pushed it aside.

Goodness, making a promise. She was certainly my daughter.

"Ok," I responded finally with a nod. "Alright. I promise."

No matter what happened to me, this island, or the world, this is what it all boiled down to. Making sure my daughter was happy, healthy, and safe. I could no longer fight for humanity, but I could at least do this.

I was unlikely to ever don the Wings of Freedom ever again.

But taking care of Emi was my new life mission. I'd vowed myself to the military, dedicated my heart to the scouts. Now, I devoted myself to her, entirely. There were other ways to embody those wings. Other ways to show courage, pride, and love.

It was all I could do, taking care of Emi. And yet, it was also all I wanted to do.

I didn't think I would ever shoulder the leather jacket with the Wings displayed proudly on my back again. Yet I wouldn't lose them. I could still embody what I devoted my heart to, so long ago.

To that end... my fighting was not over yet, but there was still lots to be done.

"Mama!"

"Hm? Yes love?"

"You gotta come look at what Kai and I made!"

"Of course, Emi. I'd love to see it. Where is it?"

"It's in the yard!"

"Lead the way, love."

She took my hand and did just that. I hardly let Emi out of my arms for the rest of that night. I'd missed her so dearly; I didn't want to let her so much as even get out of my sight. Only when I needed the bathroom, or when she did, did I leave her side. From sitting on the floor playing with her, to reading to her, to listening to her stories, I spent the day simply catching up with her.

And for a while, I managed to forget the pain I was still in. I could forget that I had to learn how to live with only one ear and only one leg. She offered a helpful distraction, a reprieve from everything else going on.

For the most part, it just felt like a normal day spent with Reyes. On some mornings, when Levi would be especially snippy, I'd take her, and we'd spend time with the family to give him time to cool off. And that's almost what it felt like. With my focus on her entirely, it just felt like one of those days, where Levi was fine, just in a bad mood, and we'd be back in time for him to snap out of it.

Only... that didn't happen. It couldn't happen today. Because I couldn't go home right now, and Levi wasn't waiting for us there.

Ah, well. We continued to catch up as the smells of dinner started to waft throughout the house, but unfortunately, I wouldn't even be given a single night of peace, so it seemed. No, we'd had the Rumbling, that singular night before the coast, that entire damn fiasco the next night, and traveling for days on end to get here...

And somehow, even all of that wasn't enough.

No, of course it wasn't.

What happened was something that I wasn't expecting; that something, of course, was being accosted by leftover Yeagerists during dinner. It was a shame, too, because the meal had been delicious. I might not have been talkative during dinner, but I sure had been enjoying the food while brooding in my thoughts.

We'd been gathered at the table for dinner, Reyes' entire family seated in the chairs. An extra seat had been pulled up for me and Emi because I'd been insistent on letting her sit in my lap for the meal (though she was certainly far more than capable of sitting in a chair by herself and eating). I was just extra clingy today, that was all. Regardless, the meal had been excellent.

The women of the family had made it, while the men had been lazy slugs and just laid about around the house ignoring the calls for assistance in the kitchen. Though they had watched on affectionately as I played with Emi, so the time wasn't completely wasted, I supposed. We were cute anyway. It was only natural that we'd gather an audience.

And it was only when Kai had gotten up to get his third portions of the meal, much to his mother's disapproval, that there was a knock on the door.

Reyes stood up to answer it. No one thought anything of it. Reyes' community was a tight knit one. The neighbors were all kind to each other, talking frequently and visiting often. So, for one of them to show up perhaps for a bite to eat or just to catch up, it wasn't strange.

It'd be more strange on a nice night like this to not get a visit from one of his neighbors. Though perhaps they knew I was here, and didn't want to encroach on this time. Still, the point was, it wasn't entirely out of the question for this to happen.

But the sudden visitors weren't his neighbors.

It was a pair of Yeagerists. I only knew what affiliation they aligned themselves with because of how adamant they were to see me. If they were normal soldiers, they'd be a bit more reserved about demanding to see one of their higher-ups.

"Who are you supposed to be?" I could hear Reyes ask.

At his words, Edith perked up, but not noticeably enough for the kids to see. I only noticed because I'd been across the table from her and being with Levi for so long meant that I was finely tuned to seeing even the most minute changes in demeanor and body language.

"Victoria Moore and Theodore Davis," was the reply. As it was, my back was to the door. I kept an eye on Edith's expression to gauge what was happening out there.

"Right. It's a pleasure to meet you. But why are you here?"

"We're looking for Captain Amaya Ackerman," the other voice piped up. "We know she's here."

Edith's eyes landed on my own. I tightened my grip around Emi slightly, preparing myself to get up. These fools had better not cause any trouble in this home.

"Why are you looking for her, exactly?"

"We're taking her in for questioning. She didn't comply with our orders on the days leading up to the Rumbling to get herself banded. Nor did she comply in the days following. She swore herself to our cause but word has reached us that she actually fought against our forces at the harbor."

"She's a traitor to this island," the other one spoke up. "She fought openly against Eren and the Rumbling with the Marleyan Warriors."

I pushed my chair back and stood, lifting Emi up with me. She was confused, looking up at me only for me to set her against my hip as I turned to face the door, the crutch under my other arm.

"I did not sign anything; my words were not legally binding," I told them. I took a few steps closer to the door but stopped several feet away from it. I didn't quite trust that they wouldn't just grab me if I strayed close enough. "I don't make it a habit to lie, but even you must know that you cannot take words at face value in war. Unless I signed a document, my so-called allegiance is void."

By now, the scene had stolen the attention of all the people still at the table, of course including the kids. These assholes had better leave quietly. The children didn't deserve to deal with this.

"It doesn't matter. We're taking you in. Come along."

"It doesn't matter," I repeated with a scoff. "It only doesn't matter to you because you know that I'm correct. As an actual commanding officer, I know these kinds of things."

"Come quietly and don't cause a scene," one of them spat.

"Leave quietly and don't cause a scene," I spat back. "You're fools. Fools for coming here, and fools for believing that I would ever support a faction that idolizes that furry bastard that tried - and failed - to kill my husband. And that doesn't even consider the mass genocide yet."

"You-!"

"Now hold on," Reyes said. "You lot seized power only because there was chaos. There was never a formal exchange of command. With Zackley, Pixis, and Dawk dead, and Hange out of the picture, the chain of command remains. The closest higher-up would be her. You don't have any power over her."

"Step aside, old man. I don't want to have to push you down to get to her."

"You're harboring a traitor."

"And you can't come inside," Reyes stated, an air of easy authority in his voice. "I know my rights. You are not allowed in my home. I'll have your asses tossed in jail, no matter what your allegiance is to."

"You're interrupting dinner," Kai suddenly shouted, standing from his chair. Edith was quick to grab his arm, trying to tug him back into his seat, but he brushed her hand off. I turned to look at him, to tell him silently to knock it off with nothing more than a look, but he was looking right past me at the soldiers. When did he grow up and become so brave? Stupid, but brave?

"Kai," I said quietly. He glanced at me, only briefly.

"Auntie Amaya only just got back today," Kai continued. "You can't even let her eat dinner in peace?"

"Yeah," one of the daughters cried out. "Um... on what grounds are you taking her?"

"You don't even know what that means," one of her sisters hissed.

"Maggie!" Edith snapped. "All of you, hush! Don't cause trouble!"

"I'll go with you," I interjected, looking at the Yeagerists. "It's only an interview, right? Because I'm one of your childhood heroes?"

"Don't make jokes," one of the Yeagerists hissed.

"If it's only for questioning, they won't hurt me," I reasoned. "I've nothing to hide. And I refuse to leave this property, if I agree to be questioned."

"Amaya," Reyes protested. "Don't."

"She's a traitor and a fool," one of the soldiers hissed.

I narrowed my eyes at him. "I'm a traitor? Don't make me laugh. You betrayed the very wings you wear on your back when you decided destroying the world was the right thing to do."

"Just grab her," the other said, taking a step inside the house.

"Don't you dare," Reyes said, setting a firm hand against the soldier's chest and pushing him back out onto the stoop.

"I told you, I'm going," I said. "There's no need to come in."

"Auntie Amaya, don't go!"

"I'll be back," I assured Kai, whose eyes were now blown wide with fear.

"Hurry the hell up," barked out a Yeagerist. I began to walk towards them, stopping only to hand Emi to Reyes who was very reluctant to let go of me. As soon as Emi was out of my hold, the one of the Yeagerists had me by the arm with a forceful grip.

"She's going willingly," Reyes hissed. "Don't you dare treat her like that, not with those fresh injuries!"

"Don't you know who that is?" Kai shouted.

"Be nice to her," cried Maggie.

"Don't hurt her," pleaded Reyes' youngest son.

"There's no need to be so mean," another of his daughters said.

I, very gently and calmly, removed their grip from my arm. "You do not need to make such a disgusting show of yourselves in front of children," I scolded. The Yeagerists' eyes widened as they glared incredulously at me. "I am going willingly. Don't you dare frighten these children more than you already have."

"Question her here," Reyes advised. "She's heavily injured."

Over the shoulders of the Yeagerists I could see Reyes' neighbors leaving their homes, standing in their yards, and even coming out into the road. Everything out there was quiet, save for what was happening right here, of course.

"What's going on?" One of them asked, his voice faint from the distance.

"Don't know," another replied. Their voices started to all blend together as they all began separate conversations.

"Isn't that Amaya? Haven't seen her in a while."

"Is Reyes getting himself into trouble again?"

"Glad she's ok. Been a few weeks since we saw her last."

"Please. How long has it been since his last bar fight?"

"I wonder if Levi's alright. Oh, and their home."

"Oh, are those Yeagerists?"

"They live in Wall Rose, don't they? I do hope their home is alright."

"Hon, get the kids inside. There might be a scuffle."

"A scuffle- ha! Imagine those brutes trying to outmatch Amaya!"

"Ooh, now maybe I do want to see a scuffle. It'd be entertaining, that's for sure."

"There was no formal exchange of power," I said quietly. "You're doing nothing more right now than making fools of yourselves and tainting the image the Scouts have worked so hard to reclaim over the past few years. You are, quite frankly, a disgrace to those wings that you're wearing. I happen to be well-known around here. If you don't want an angry mob on your hands, then I suggest you stop making a scene. I already agreed to be questioned. However, I am still your superior, and I am not leaving this property."

The Yeagerists exchanged a look and then turned to peer over their shoulders. They seemed to come to a mutual understanding and consequent decision because they backed away. "Excuse us... Captain."

I stayed where I was in the doorway until the two were out of sight. Only once they were gone did I allow myself to take a deep breath in. I leaned more heavily on my crutch, releasing a shaky sigh.

"I figured as much," I muttered to Reyes. "They only wanted to take me in to beat some information out of me. Thank you, all of you," I said, looking at each of the family members in turn.

Emi reached for me, and Reyes helped settle her back in my free arm. I pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "Mommy, are you alright?"

"I'm fine, darling," I said.

"You're not leaving with them, right?"

"No, of course not," I told her surely, holding her tightly against me. "Thank goodness Uncle Reyes has such nosy neighbors."

"I knew something felt off," Reyes muttered. He waved to his neighbors and then we stepped inside, closing the door behind us. "That wasn't who I was expecting to visit. In any case, I wasn't about to let them manhandle you like that, regardless of those injuries."

"Oh, honey, are you alright," Edith asked, coming up to me now.

"I'm alright, really," I assured her. "We can continue dinner."

—

We did continue dinner, though the conversation was a bit stunted given what had just happened. I found that even as the conversation started again, the kids excitedly discussing something, I couldn't exactly bring myself to talk.

I was just tired, I supposed. A lot had happened today. It was hard to believe I'd only just reunited with Emi today. The family sat around the table long after the dessert was finished, and the dishes were cleared away. The sun had been down for a while and Edith had taken the kids into the living room when Reyes spoke my name, catching my attention.

The two of us, and Emi, were the only ones left at the table. Emi had one of her toys on the table, playing with it as she sat in the chair next to me. The candlelight flickered, casting long shadows all through the room. Aside from the noise coming from the living room, all was quiet.

"I'm expecting a friend to pay a visit soon," he told me. My eyes, focused on the lines in the wooden table, didn't move at first. I hummed my response. "He's a doctor, used to work for the Military Police. That's how we met. He specializes now in physical therapy. He might be able to help you. See if you can't eventually regain full use of your leg."

"That'd be nice," I said absently.

"I wrote to him a few days ago, after your letter saying you were coming home and were hurt. He's excited to meet you."

There was something strange in his voice, a tone that added a sense of hesitance almost, as he spoke. "If he's truly able to help me," I said, "then I'm excited to meet him too."

"And I had this idea," he continued. "You might be able to go home tonight."

That got my attention, but not in the best way. "Reyes, trust me, I want to get out of your hair as soon as I possibly can. I don't want to keep being a burden on your family. But as I am right now, I can't exactly take care of myself and Emi on my own."

"No, no," he said. "You're not a burden. But I went by your place yesterday, and the doctor can become something of a full-time caregiver. I think it would help Emi to have a sense of normalcy again."

I nodded, slowly and unsurely, but then shook my head. "Reyes, I'm not sure how much I trust having a stranger in my home while I cannot properly protect myself or my daughter."

"I've known him for years," Reyes reasoned. "I truly think he'll be able to help you. He's helped soldiers with worse injuries get back on their feet. He worked for the MPs, but he was never a soldier himself. Only a doctor. And I think being home might help you and Emi a lot. I know I didn't even truly feel safe until my family was home, too."

"I'll try it," I told him, "but if I end up not liking this man being in my home, I'm kicking him out."

Reyes chuckled. "That's understandable. And don't worry, I'll still be there to help."

"I can't believe our house is still up," I murmured. "It almost seems like too much to ask. We got lucky."

"We all did, too," Reyes said. "I'm glad this little neighborhood got out alright."

"Oh," I said, "what about groceries? I won't have anything at home for us."

Reyes shook his head with a warm smile. "Why do you think Edith came back with so many groceries? We're going to bring them over for you."

"Wait, you bought us... No, Reyes, I can't accept that."

He rested his elbows on the table, his small smile widening to a grin. "You gave my family a safe place to run to during the battle and to wait out the Rumbling. A few groceries are nothing compared to that."

"But-"

"No buts, Amaya." That's when there was another knock on the front door. "Ah," Reyes said, standing up with a grunt. "Hopefully, that's who I think it is."

I turned in my chair and watched as he made his way to the door. He opened it, only a bit at first before beaming and opening it all the way. In stepped a casually dressed man with dirty blond hair and blue eyes. His button-down was tucked into dark slacks and a pair of smart, wire-framed glasses sat on his nose. He shook Reyes' hand, and then turned to greet Edith and the rest of the family.

After closing the front door, Reyes stood in the archway to the kitchen, leaning against the frame while the kids all happily swarmed the man. They treated him like family. He must've really been a close friend of Reyes. Finally, the man stood up straight, and locked eyes with me. He held my gaze for a moment, at which point I raised one of my eyebrows.

He came closer, stopping once he was close enough to reach his hand out. "Caden Warner," he introduced himself. My surprise at hearing the name threatened to show on my face but I forced my face to stay neutral.

It's just a first name. It's only a coincidence. It's not Caden. This man looks to be my age, anyway. There's no way it's him. And I watched Caden die. This isn't him. Get a hold of yourself, Amaya.

I took his hand only to shake it. There was a warm, friendly smile on his face. "Amaya Ackerman," I replied. "Pleasure to meet you. I hear you're a doctor."

"I am," he said. "And I hear you might need some help."

"I've got something of a bum leg," I told him. "Among... plenty of other issues, at the moment.

"It'll be a long process for healing and rehabilitation," he said, "but I'm confident you can do it." Then he turned to smile at Emi. "And who is this?"

Emi looked up at me, and then to the man, then back to me. "Go ahead, love," I said. "Introduce yourself."

"Emiko Ack... Acker..."

"Ackerman," I reminded her quietly.

"Emiko Ackerman," she said confidently.

"It's nice to meet you, little lady."

"Let's be off," Reyes announced. "Kids, Auntie Amaya and Emi are going home, come say goodbye!"

The kids came around, offering goodbyes and hugs to myself and Emi, and then it was Edith's turn. She offered me plenty of well-wishes, promised to stop by to help, and told me to be careful. She did the same for Emi. Then Reyes grabbed the groceries, set his hat on his head, and helped me stand. I reached for Emi with my free hand, and she took it.

"I had to hitch my horse quite a ways down the road," Caden said. "I'll meet you both back here in a few minutes."

Then he left, and Reyes and I left the house only a few seconds after. The man was walking briskly to his horse, but the public hitching posts were quite the walk down. "You don't offer your friends the post outside your stable?"

"He didn't ask," Reyes said. I followed him to the small, two-stall stable he had. Space was rather limited on each property here in Trost normally, but here on the outskirts there was more offered in consolation for being closer to the wall... or at least, where the wall had been.

As such, there was just enough room for a glorified shed which he made into a stable meant only to house his horse, but his steed now had a guest: mine. As soon as I saw him, I grinned. "Strider, sweetheart, how are you? Has Reyes been taking care of you?"

"He's nice, isn't he?" Reyes asked as he started to lead Strider out. My horse seemed excited to see me, which warmed my heart. He tugged against his reins to try to get to me. But with a laugh, Reyes hitched him, then started to bring his tack out.

"Strider? He is. He's a wonderful horse."

"Not him," Reyes laughed. "The doctor."

"Oh," I mused, coming closer to them, reaching out to finally brush my hand along Strider's side. Strider bobbed his head up and down, looking at me intently. "He is, I suppose."

"Handsome, too."

"Remember you've got a wife, old man," I said, narrowing my eyes at him.

"Very funny. He's single, you know. Recently widowed."

That caught my attention. Was that really what this was about? "Reyes," I sighed. "I've no intention of falling in love again."

"I'm not asking you to see him as a romantic prospect," he responded, "just as a friend. We've too few left, Amaya."

I didn't reply to that. By then Strider was tacked and ready, and I set Emi down so Reyes could help me up into the saddle. I sat side-saddle, not wanting to put too much pressure on my injured leg. Honestly, riding a horse was probably one of the worst things I could do right now for it but upon hearing the idea, I found that really, all I wanted to do was just to go home.

Home was a lovely place to be, especially in a time like this. I was hurt and without my husband, but it would do Emi and me a whole hell of a lot of good to just go home. I was still slightly wary of the prospect of having a total stranger in the house with us, but I would make do. I'd lived with worse.

When Reyes' horse was ready, he secured the groceries into the saddlebags and mounted with Emi in his arms. He sat her down in front of him and held her steady with one arm around her with the other hand holding the reins. Now that we were both mounted up, we made our way out to the road, where Caden... the doctor, was waiting for us.

And with our odd fellowship prepared, we set off towards my home.

—

Stepping through the doorway into my own home after so long was an odd, but welcome, experience. It was as though it had been frozen in time, untouched and still despite the chaos that had ensued all around it. Even riding along the path to the stable we'd built round back, I could see the deep tracks left behind by the heavy feet of so many Colossal Titans that had come dangerously close to the home but by some miracle, had missed it.

As soon as I'd been helped down from Strider and the men had begun leading the horses into the stable, Emi and I had made a beeline for the backdoor. I unlocked it with the key hidden in one of the flowerbeds from the garden, and finally... we were home.

It was, by then, very late into the evening. Emi was growing tired, as was I. But even though I knew there was nothing to fear in here, I took my time making my way through the house, my hand in Emi's. Only the sounds of our footsteps echoed back to us, and that of my crutch tapping against the floor with each step I took.

I reached into a nearby drawer for a match, lit it, and then held it to the nearest candle. Slowly, carefully, I began to fill the house with the warm, golden light that it'd always been illuminated with. Though given some of that glowing stone from the cavern underneath the Reiss chapel for light, Levi and I had stuck to the candles and lanterns, finding that the warm glow that came with them reminded us of our nights underground with Farlan and Isabel.

It just felt homey to us, I supposed.

Right now though, it just felt strange. I knew I should feel safe at home, but I hadn't really felt safe in a long time. I'm sure I wouldn't feel entirely safe again for a long time. Being as injured as I am now was, it was tough to feel safe.

We continued to walk through the house, and I continued to light each candle and lantern as we came to it. Emi stuck to my side diligently; her little eyelids were beginning to droop, and her grip on the dress I was wearing was loose, but still she followed.

I looked around curiously, at the decorations we'd put up over the years; I'd been away for so long now, and a fine layer of dust had settled on all the countertops, the mantle, and every flat surface it could find. The windows were dirty, coated with a thin layer of dust that was assuredly kicked up by the Rumbling.

I glanced out the window. The fields around the house were ravaged. The footsteps were not far and few between; they formed deep tracks in the dirt that with recent rainfall had already begun to fill in.

Goodness. I have to clean before Levi comes home.

Oh.

...I don't know when that is.

"Amaya," the sudden call of my name as I lit a candle on the mantle scared me and I nearly leapt out of my skin. I gasped, dropping the match. I hurriedly stomped it out, forcing my breathing to steady before turning to look at Reyes. "I didn't mean to scare you," he said gently, walking closer. "Listen, we brought the groceries in. I'm going to help put everything away and then head home, alright?"

"Alright," I said quietly. He drew closer, taking me into his arms for a warm hug. I propped my chin up on his shoulder, waiting for him to speak.

"I'll be by in the morning," he assured me. "Try to relax, alright? You know Levi is strong. He'll come back home to you."

"It was me that broke the promise this time," I murmured. "I promised I'd go back to him safely after the battle."

Reyes pulled away from the hug, shaking his head and looking at me with a warm smile, the same one he always sent me, ever since I was a child. "You didn't break it. You just haven't returned to him yet."

"I didn't..."

He chucked affectionately. "You didn't think of it that way, did you?" He leaned in again to kiss my forehead, and then crouched down to do the same for Emi. "I'll be going home in a few minutes, girlie."

"Bye, Uncle Reyes!"

"Bye, darlin'," he replied, standing up. "Take care of your mother for me, will you?"

"I will!"

"Atta girl," he grinned. Then he looked at me. "Try to get some sleep, Amaya. You need it."

"I think my little one here will be heading to bed as soon as she gets a bath," I said, looking down at her, "and then I'll be heading to bed myself."

I left the two boys to sort out the groceries. I could fix them in the morning. "To your room, Emi," I told her. "Go pick out some pajamas, ok?"

She did. By the time she came back with a nightgown I was sure Hange had gifted her, the bath was ready. I bathed her quickly, knowing she was exhausted as I was. I dried her off, helped her dress, and sat with her as she dozed off. I sat perched on her bed after tucking her in, running my hands through her hair gently as she slowly fell asleep.

"Goodness, love," I murmured. "Maybe we should've just run away."

Only when I was sure she was comfortable, safe, and asleep did I stand. Leaving her door open just a crack, I stepped out into the hallway and started to make my way to the kitchen just to ensure that the back door was locked. I did, and then stepped into the living room to do the same for the front door, only to stall in the doorway.

Caden was sitting on the couch, looking terribly out of place in my living room. I did my best to not appear standoffish but instinctually narrowed my eyes at him. I just was not used to there being a stranger in my home. He noticed me right away, and the almost accusatory, distinctly dangerous look I sent his way, and he blanched slightly - no, not slightly. He looked terrified, if only for just a moment.

"I'm sorry," I said to him. "I... I forgot you were here."

"It's alright," he said, almost in a sheepish manner. "I know this must be strange for you."

"It is."

He smiled. "At any rate, you need rest. That's the first step in getting those injuries of yours healed."

"Right," I agreed.

"Where do I sleep?"

"We've a guest room in the basement," I told him. "You can stay there. There's a closet down there where we keep the extra bedding. I'd offer to help make the bed, but as you can see, I do not think I'd be that much help in my current state."

"Ah, that's quite alright," he replied, standing up. "Just... I'm here to help, Mrs. Ackerman. I don't know if you'll ever be able to get into the gear again, but I'll help in any way I can to help you regain the use of your leg. That's not an injury you should be dealing with alone."

"I do appreciate it," I said. "But... what did Reyes offer you? I know doctors don't usually make extended house calls like this, not unless it's a caregiver for the elderly, but even that is rare 'round these parts. And I am definitely not elderly."

"He didn't offer me anything," he said with a shake of his head. "I'm receiving no payment for this job."

I bit back my scoff, though an indignant and haughty look adorned my features as I looked over him. "So I'm a charity case for you, then? Feel free to leave, then."

"No, of course not," he said quickly. Then he shuffled slightly on his feet. "This is more of a way to thank you, on behalf of my family."

"Thank me? For what?"

"My cousin was a soldier in the scouts," he explained. "Years ago. Not anymore. We all thought he was crazy for joining that branch when he could have easily joined the Military Police with his talent, but... that didn't matter when he would visit and smile wider than we'd ever seen from him as he told us stories. And it's because of you that he came back to us alive. Do you... remember a Fortin? I don't believe he was in your squad."

"Jeremy," I said immediately, getting a hurried nod from him. The kid from... when we went to rescue Eren from Reiner and Bertholdt. Goodness, that was so long ago, now. "No, he wasn't in my squad. But he was in trouble. I couldn't leave him to die."

The doctor smiled then. "He's still alive, because of you. And happy, too. He's got no legs, but... Well, I've known Reyes for years. At his retirement party, he mentioned that you were there, and... I recognized your name because Jeremy had told me all about what you'd done. And now, I suppose I just wanted to return that favor."

"I see," I replied. "Well, I'd do it again. He was a very kind soldier. It was the least I could do to help him."

"My entire family is in your debt," he said. "Hopefully, this will pay part of that."

"No," I responded. "You don't owe me anything. However... I would still like you to sleep downstairs."

"Of course," he replied. "Just shout if you need anything."

"I will," I said. "Thank you."

Only a few minutes more, and I found myself finally in my own bedroom. The doctor had gone downstairs, Emi was asleep, the doors and windows were locked, the candles were all out, and all that was left for me to do was get to bed myself, right? Right. It was that easy.

Except it wasn't.

I found myself hovering in the doorway uncertainly. The bed was so close, yet still seemed so far away. There wasn't another trick, was there? No sudden ambush, no more surprises? I was... home? And safe? Was it really that simple?

I supposed getting back into my usual routine would be a nice way to start. Maybe that way I could fool my brain into thinking that everything really was ok.

And to do that... getting changed seemed like a good first step. I worked to take my shoes off first, though that took quite a bit of effort on my own and with nothing to sit on aside from the bed (which I would not do in these dirty clothes). Then I made my way to the dresser.

I was almost hyper-conscious of the way that the crutch beat against the hardwood floor with a solid thump each time I set it down. I tried being quieter, for the doctor's sake, because the guest room was only right below this floor. I got a set of my pajamas out, then set them back down, deciding against wearing my own clothes. I went to Levi's drawer.

The drawer slid open with a low creak and I reached inside, grabbing one of his shirts, then a pair of his pants. I closed the drawer with my hip, then eased myself to kneel on the floor. I set the crutch to lean against the dresser, and I set the clothes atop my thighs. My fingers ran mindless shapes into the cloth and I remained there, transfixed, for several minutes.

They were of soft, gentle material, after a comment I had made about his sleeping habits years ago. Way back when, when he had a much harder time falling and staying asleep, he'd sleep in his uniform. I'd made an offhand comment to him one day, about the material of the uniform not being comfortable to snuggle against.

I'd been afraid that my words would have a negative impact on him, and that he'd start sleeping in his chair again. But he'd done the opposite. He'd gotten new clothes, meant only for when he was relaxing or sleeping, and always impossibly soft. He was very particular about it.

That habit had stuck with him.

I lifted the shirt towards my nose and drew in a long, easy breath. It wasn't just the soap he used when washing the clothes that made them smell like him. No, they just smelled of him, because they were his. I could smell the lavender he used when washing, and the finer, more minute traces of tea, and parchment, and pine that accompanied him everywhere.

I set the clothes aside, untying the fabric around my waist meant to keep the dress in place. I drew it up and over my head, letting it fall to the floor. My bra followed soon after and I immediately replaced it with Levi's shirt. I hugged myself around my torso, curling in towards myself there on the floor.

I continued to take deep breaths, releasing only with the intent to breathe in his scent again. I'd only seen him a few short precious days ago. And here I was again, at home with Emi but without him. I clutched the shirt close to my chest as I doubled over, sobbing again. The tears came suddenly, and without warning, but I did not try to stop them.

I never had been quick to tears, before. Never before in my life had I cried more than in just these past couple of weeks. Then again... I didn't blame myself. I couldn't, not when everything happened so suddenly, and things got worse and worse with each passing moment.

There were few blessings I could be thankful for right now, and I was, but it was waiting for one final blessing, one that I wanted more than anything, to come, that was so hard. All I wanted now was for Levi to come home. Emi and I were safe. That was already asking for too much. Reyes' family coming out of this alright was another blessing. For our home to be standing was yet another one.

All that was missing was Levi. That was the one last thing I would ask for.

I'd trade the house for him to return safely. I'd offer up my chances of ever using my legs again, if only to know that he was ok. I'd give up my other ear just to hear from him one more time. Because as it was, living in this uncertain place was hell.

Not where I was physically, no. I knew that I was safe, but the real battle was convincing my mind of that fact. It was more so living with the fact that I quite simply did not know if Levi was even alive that was difficult to bear.

As I cried, my eyes were squeezed shut. My teeth were locked onto one of my hands, trying to stifle the noises trying to escape. I was hunched over, my forehead nearly to the floor as I remained knelt. I cried until I was all but dehydrated. I sniffled, dragging my fingers over my eyes to dry my tears.

When at last I lifted my head and opened my eyes, they locked immediately onto the only source of light in the room. A stray moonbeam was streaming through a gap in the curtains above our bed, the ghostly glow pooling into the room in a straight line leading exactly to where I sat. And when I sat up, turning my head to look at the window, the beam lined directly with my eye.

I stood.

Ignoring the crutch, I hobbled towards the bed, leaving the dirty clothes discarded on the floor. I reached the foot of the bed and crawled towards the headboard, disregarding the shooting pains going up and down my left leg now. I could handle the pain. Hell, I could hardly feel it right now. So long as it wasn't bleeding, I would be fine.

Adorned only in Levi's shirt and my underwear, I moved the pillows aside and sat against the headboard, my legs tucked to one side and my hands resting against the windowpane. Reaching up with one hand, I threw the curtain open, allowing the moonlight to stream freely into the room.

It was a beautiful night, truly. The sky was clear, the moon bright. I continued to look up at the moon, as though something there would tell me about how Levi was doing. I knew it wouldn't, but...

Stranger things had happened, surely. A sign was all I was asking for. Something, anything, just so I would know if he was alright.

Long ago, Petra used to share romance stories with me. She'd bring me book after book, and I'd read each one. I wasn't exactly a hopeless romantic, but certainly some of the stories Petra had shared with me had planted some ideas in my head.

And in many of those tales, when lovers would get separated, they'd gaze up at the night sky. I wasn't exactly sure why, not until now. I hadn't seen the point. Why just look up at the sky? It wouldn't tell you anything. But perhaps it was just looking up and seeing something truly unattainable that would make you realize that your love wasn't all that far away, comparatively. Maybe.

Honestly, I still didn't get it. But something was certainly drawing me towards it.

Only, in the stories, the lovers would pick a star, any star, and look at it, in hopes that their partner was looking at the same one. But what were the odds of that, just picking a random star and that being the one? Pretty damn slim if you asked me. Not exactly betting odds. Unless there was a certain star that perhaps the lovers often looked at together, the odds were astronomical.

But the moon... Levi had always liked the moon. Maybe he was looking at it right now.

We'd spent many a night sitting outside, watching the time go by. He'd always chastised me for it but when he had his nights when he just could not fall asleep, I'd stay up with him. He'd tell me to go back to sleep, that he didn't want to deal with my grumpy mood in the morning because I was staying up and losing precious sleep.

I responded the same way each and every time, with only two simple sentences. I have to deal with your grumpy mood every single day, even when you do sleep. But I'd rather stay out here; you're so pretty in the moonlight.

And I was right. He was always pretty, but there was something about seeing him at night, illuminated only by the moon's ghostly glow... I was biased when I said he was always pretty but there was no denying how perfectly he was made for the night.

"Levi, darling," I said quietly, "please come home soon. Emi and I miss you terribly. You've been away for far too long."

I wasn't expecting a response, so I wasn't surprised when I didn't get one.

But was it strange that I was still disappointed about it?

I couldn't help it, I sighed. Was I really just sitting here alone, talking to the moon of all things? I supposed that I was. What else was I to do right now? I'd hardly be able to sleep right now. If I did, it'd be riddled with nightmares, I was sure. I wasn't in danger but my mind was still racing with possibilities of dangers that could come. And with me like this... it wasn't like I could do much right now to protect myself, much less Emi.

So, here I sat. Quietly talking to the moon, hoping for even the smallest sign that Levi was alright. With tear-stained cheeks, a dry throat, a dull pain throbbing through my leg, and a heavy heart, I was speaking with the moon. At least she was a good listener.

We'd shared our very first kiss under the full moon. I could only hope she hadn't bore witness to some of our last, where I'd slept in his arms before that fateful battle. The moon... she'd been witness to many parts of our relationship.

When he proposed to me, the moonlight had streamed into the room of that small countryside cottage, mingling with the candlelight. I'd told him I was pregnant under the moon. I'd gone out to see him after what was our first big argument just following the 57th Expedition. He'd come out to see me during one of our more recent ones, before the Raid of Liberio.

"I know you're just the moon," I mused, "but certainly you can see Levi, right? Is he ok? If you can, tell him to come home as quickly as he can. I can't do this alone. Well, I can, but... I don't want to."

Whenever I'd looked into his eyes, I'd been inexplicably reminded of the moon. Both were that beautiful pale blue, a constant in my life. For there was always a moon in the night sky, even if I could not see it; much in the same way, since he entered my life, he'd always been there for me.

Goodness. Did I really only meet him when I was nearly thirty? I'd been somewhere around twenty-seven at the time, hadn't I? It felt more like I'd known him my entire life.

I never thought a single person would ever become so important to me, but he had. And now, I had Emi, too.

Before, I'd only had El and Caden. That was it. Now I had Levi, and Emi, and not only them; I had all the Scouts, like Hange, and including those damn kids that I'd once been so reluctant to take on because it was so soon after losing Petra, Olou, Gunther, and Eld. And there'd been Mike, and Erwin, and Moblit, and so many more. So many more.

I wasn't sure why of all of those we'd lost, I'd been the one to live, but it was a precious gift I was not about to squander. It would take time to heal from all of this. Patience, for me to learn how to feel safe again. Determination, to nurse these wounds and recover. Love, to continue to raise Emi. But I had all of that. In excess, even.

I could do this; I was sure of it. Because I'd been allowed to live for a reason. Because I wasn't about to give up on this chance that I'd been given. Because I owed it to myself and to my daughter.

It was truly a wicked stroke of luck, and by karma's grace, that I'd been able to live. It was a strange consequence of something that I'd done. But I would make the most of it, surely. I had no other choice but to give it my all. I'd never put anything less than all of myself into anything I'd ever done. Why would that change now?

I closed the curtain. I untucked the covers and slid under them, getting comfortable on my side of the bed.

I had lost the battle, and I had lost the war. But I had not been defeated. All that was left to do was recover and live with the consequences of what I'd done.