she couldn't help but smile

as she curled up on the couch

listening to the thunder and rain

and watching the lightning 

from the porch..

she loved the feeling

of thunder shaking the house

the sound of rain

pattering on the roof

and the birds 

as they flitted through the rain.

she felt like a cat

curled up

just watching out the window

freshly groomed

because she had just showered

thunderstorms always made her

heart pound a little harder

and feeling its power

always reminded her

that God was more powerful

than the wind

and the rain

and the lightning

and the clash of thunder

all that was missing

was a steaming cup of coffee

and a good book to read

but she was too lazy to leave the porch

and she didn't want to miss any lightning

she loved thunderstorms

especially in the summer

because it cooled everything down

and they always seemed more cozy

than cold

unforgiving rain

in the winter

thunderstorms in the summer

thrilled her

this summer

was going to be a good summer

she could tell

because she had 

finally graduated high school

so there was no summer homework..

she could enjoy

not having anything to do

besides go to work a few days a week

she was particularly excited

to go dorm room shopping

to pick out a new bedspread

and room decorations

she was also excited for the fresh start

she no longer felt obligated

to talk to people that she knew

never truly cared about her

she wasn't obligated

to see anyone she didn't have to

she wasn't obligated to keep doing

the same activities

she'd been doing for years

she could finally try new things

without fear of disappointing anyone

without actually quitting anything.

she could try sign language

or running

or softball

or spanish

or a book club

or join a worship team

or anything really

she could finally break free 

from the cage that was high school

she didn't really feel sad 

about leaving everything behind

like a lot of other people did

she couldn't understand 

why people cried

about leaving high school

maybe because

high school had never been 

anything special for her...

maybe because

she had only ever felt

isolated

in high school

until the latter part of junior year

and senior year

and that's only because

she found her best friend

Kiley..

whatever the case

she felt ready

to leave for college

she knew she would get homesick

but at the same time

she wouldn't be too far away

from her family

only an hour and a half

which wasn't too far

and Kiley would only be

a half hour away

she did miss her other best friend

Gracie

who moved away 

after her sophomore year

but they still talked all the time

whether texting

or talking on the phone 

for three hours

or sending each other letters

on occasion

Gracie would always be 

her forever friend

she knew

that no distance 

could truly separate them

she felt content

for the first time in a long time

she was happy to be 

where she was

ready for the future

and ready to let go of the past

there was no reason

to let it haunt her

to let the loneliness 

crawl back up her throat

to let her feelings 

rule her life

however

there was a sense of dread

pitted at the bottom of her stomach

because she couldn't stay with 

the guy she thought

she wouldn't mind drowning for

she knew

they could make it work

going into college

his college was only 

a half hour away as well

but something switched

and they weren't 

on the same page anymore

and she couldn't explain it

because she still loved him

but she wasn't in love

and she just knew

that she wasn't right for him

and he wasn't right for her

she wrote a letter

trying to explain how she felt

to him

and planned to give it to him

after telling him

that they shouldn't be together

but she didn't even know how

to begin

how could she face him,

knowing that she would 

hurt him?

how could she hurt him?

she knew she had to be honest

she knew she had to break it off

because it wasn't fair for her

to be with him

when all she could think of 

when he was holding her hand

that she didn't want to be with him

anymore?

she couldn't use the phrase

"it's not you, it's me"

even though it was the truth

it wasn't anything he had done

he truly was 

the sweetest guy 

she had ever known

and he treated her 

with such respect

and that it was simply

she knew she wasn't the right girl

for him

she knew 

that she wasn't going to make him

the happiest

she knew 

there was a girl out there for him

who could make him happier

but how could she explain that to him?

because she knew his feelings

had always been deeper for her

than she felt for him

and maybe it was because

she was more cautious 

with her heart

and who she was willing 

to give it to

because the last guy

she trusted with her heart

threw it on the ground

and stomped on it

all while giving her 

a charming smile..

whatever the case

she knew it had to end

but where to begin?

how could she hurt him?

she hated hurting people

because she knew

how it felt

when the person closest to you

decides to break your heart...

the rain started to let up

and she could see

slivers of blue sky

with distant rumblings of thunder

as the dark clouds slowly drifted away

she wasn't ready for the harsh sun

to beat down again

for the sweltering heat to rise

for the refreshing rain to dry

she sighed

slowly rolling off the couch

and shuffling back upstairs

to the comfort of her room

where she could curl under the covers

and take a nap

trying to ignore the pit in her stomach

and relish the feeling of freedom 

from high school

she was free....

almost