you know that feeling

when all you want to do

is curl into a ball

and do nothing

feel nothing

think nothing?

because that's how she felt

and the feeling came more often than it should

if it should even come at all. 

it felt like nobody around her 

understood what she was going through

like she couldn't talk to anyone

because nobody was there to understand. 

it seems like everyone in her life

is leaving 

or is already gone. 

nobody understood 

when she said that all her close friends 

lived far away...

all two of them

but two felt like the whole world

because it wasn't like she was close to anyone else.

maybe that's why she spent hundreds of dollars

on gifts for people she wasn't even close to 

because then it would seem like

she had lots of close friends.

in reality,

it just made her sad.

why waste all this money

on people she barely talked to?

it wasn't like she needed it though. 

she only ever spent it on food

and lord knows she ate enough food.

at least it was winter break

so there was no school to worry about

even though she did have homework

and a project hanging over her head

due the day back from break.

but she wasn't even worried about that, 

even though she should be

because at this point she was only numb.

she was tired of being judged

tired of feeling alone

tired of feeling isolated

tired of feeling different yet the same

tired of feeling trapped

tired of feeling controlled

tired of not feeling good enough.

all she wanted

was to curl into a ball

and do nothing

because that was better 

then feeling everything

and being so busy 

that she didn't have time to breathe...

not that she could really breathe all that well

because she was sick

and had a runny nose

but it didn't bother her anymore

because she would rather be sick and feel nothing

than to be healthy and feel everything

because if she felt everything

she mine as well be sick

because then she wouldn't be able to breathe

to keep going

to keep functioning

because all she ever felt

was tired 

and alone

desperately and utterly alone...

maybe feeling numb 

isn't such a good thing though

because today she found out her grandfather

had to go into surgery for a pacemaker 

because his heart couldn't keep up anymore

and all she felt 

was nothing.

he had already had a stroke 

and couldn't speak very well

which meant that adding a pacemaker 

meant he wasn't doing very well. 

yet, 

she couldn't bring herself to feel anything

which made her think 

that she should feel like a bad person

but it wasn't like she was close with her grandfather

he had the stroke before she got old enough to pay attention

and listen

and now he couldn't really speak

and she didn't know what to say to him

and it was hard to see him struggle to find words

that wouldn't come

and see him get upset

and frustrated

because he couldn't speak to his grandchildren.

she found a letter the other night

that he had written to her 

when she was only five.

he spoke of keeping in touch

of getting older

and it felt like reading something written by a stranger

and she wasn't sure 

if she was supposed to feel anything.

her mother told her to keep it

and she would

because maybe in the future it would mean more

than just words written on a page

by a person that she never really knew very well...

*  *  *

Christmas is only a few days away

which meant they were receiving Christmas cards

from people that they never talked to.

she liked looking at all the cards

to see how people have changed over the years

people that she never saw or spoke to anymore. 

personally,

she thought the idea of sending a Christmas card

was rather stupid.

it felt like a show

to make people think that everything was picture perfect

and happy

like nothing was wrong

after all,

Christmas is a time for joy and giving

not for showing what's really going on...

but then again

when is it ever a time for showing what's really going on.

her childhood best friend

who she used to live across from

had changed a lot 

at least

from the photos in the christmas card

and the photos she posted on instagram

it did seemed like it.

after all,

she was wearing low cut shirts

and shorts that didn't really cover anything

and wearing lots of make up

when she didn't need any

and she would hang out with all guys

all in their bathing suits..

it bothered her a little

because she remembers playing house with her

and playing with barbie dolls with her

and sledding with her

and drinking hot cocoa with her

and playing funny bone with her

and acting out tv shows with her

and having sleepovers with her

and singing at the top of their lungs with her

but that was elementary school...

maybe it was the fact

that she was also a lot richer than she remembers

because now she had a mercedes convertible 

or maybe 

she was just jealous

because it looked like her childhood best friend

now has everything she ever dreamed of

but then again 

looks can be deceiving.

their christmas card this year

was taken at her grandparents house

and she didn't like the picture

because nobody listened to her

when she said she wanted to take the picture

outside

the next morning..

instead,

they took it later 

at night

inside the house

after she had been sleeping

so her hair was disheveled

her clothes were wrinkled

she had deep bags under her eyes

and her smile was tired

and very faked.

maybe it was an accurate representation of her

but she liked to keep up appearances 

just like everyone else

because in a materialistic world

nobody wants to know how you're doing.

all they want to see 

is if they have more or less than you

if they are winning at life

all they really want

is a picture perfect family

with nothing more 

then a merry christmas

and happy new year.

*  *  *

so 

even though it was close to christmas

and the new year

even though it was winter break

all she felt was numb

but maybe 

it should stay that way

because then she wouldn't have to feel everything

then she could just do nothing

feel nothing

and think nothing..

then

she could just curl into a ball

and forget everything

every

single

damn

thing