flashback

eight months ago

Harry was on the court, boxing out one of the other members of his team during practice. I hated watching him practice because of how cocky he was on the court.

"This one's for you," he said to me, shooting from half court and missing.

I laughed hysterically as he groaned and walked up to me. "So you think it's funny?" He then poked my sides and proceeded to tickle me, which caused me to keep laughing.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" I managed to choke out between my gasps.

He then smiled and lowered his lips to mine, and I kissed him back until I heard a gagging sound from behind us.

"Get a fucking room," he spat, barreling down the bleachers with his water bottle.

"Get a life," I replied softly, rolling my eyes. Louis always had something against me ever since I started going out with Harry. He tried to ask me out a couple months ago, but I honestly didn't like him like that. He wasn't really my type.

"I will once you stop sucking the soul out my best friend with your vacuum lips." He then rolled his eyes. "Bitch."

"Hey!" Harry grabbed him by the collar of his jersey. "Don't speak to her like that."

Louis shrugged him off. "You can't tell me shit."

Harry chuckled, and placed his hands on his hips, which looked pretty hot from where I was standing. "Oh yeah? But didn't you vote me as captain? So now, as your captain, I'm telling you to do ten suicides."

His eyes widened. "Are you serious?"

"As a funeral. Hurry up before I make it twenty."

Louis glared at me before starting on the court. He looked so angry as he ran back and forth, and every now and then he would look up in my direction and cast me the nastiest glare.

"I think I should go," I murmured to Harry as I collected my stuff. I didn't want to be here and distract Harry from the team. God knows they need the practice to actually win a game.

"Okay, I'll meet up with you at the party tonight," he said, kissing my cheek. "We have to talk anyway."

We have to talk? I wondered as I exited the atrium. About what? Did I do something?

I walked all the way to my dorm, confused as hell. When I unlocked the door, I saw Isra on her bed, studying.

"When a guy says he wants to talk, what does that mean?" I asked her as I set my bag down on the floor.

She hummed before closing her book. "It could mean he just actually wants to talk. When we say that though, it could mean that we want to break up or take a break."

I sighed before collapsing on my bed. "I hope it's neither of those."

"Probably isn't. You read into things too much."

Sitting up, I remember what I had to tell her. "Sis, there's a party for the basketball team tonight. You coming?"

"I'll pop in, but I have to go off campus for a few. Honor student requirements," she rolled her eyes. "We're already amazing students, why would we need forced community service to prove it?"

"Have fun picking up trash!" I said with a laugh, which caused her to throw a pen at me. "By the way, what do you think of this dress?"

I pulled out a black dress from a plastic bag under my bed. It was a black bodycon dress that was low cut, but had a piece around the neck like a choker.

"That looks so pretty!" She squealed, hopping up to inspect the dress. "Remind me to borrow this one day."

---

"Do you want anything to drink?" Justice offered me a cup of beer. I didn't see him pour it from the keg behind me, and mama ain't raise no fool.

"Um, not right now," I said, looking back into the crowd for Harry. He was with his friends, doing the most awkward dance I've ever seen in my life even though they were playing a slow PND song. Poor boy.

I took a cup from the table and filled it up with vodka, my favorite drink of choice.

"I thought you didn't want anything?" Justice asked, his eyebrow raised.

"I didn't want anything from you," I specified, walking away into the crowd.

I took a hefty sip, before making my way in front of Harry. His eyes widened as I pressed myself into him.

"What are you doing?" He asked, out of breath. I could feel this sweat through his thin white tee shirt but it didn't bother me.

"Teaching you how to dance," I answered, gyrating into him. "Just hold on to me."

We danced and all of his friends beside him started making noise. I didn't even have to look at Harry to know his face was red.

"Cash," he said when the song was over and I turned to face him. "I need to talk to you."

"What happened?" I asked, taking a sip of my cup. I hope he wasn't trying to have a serious heart to heart in the middle of a party.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Serenity, one of my friends walk by and bite off half a pill before offering it to me. "Ecstasy."

We always did this at parties, one of us take half a pill and offer it to the other person. It was how we ensured that one of us wasn't going to get too drugged up. We split it in half.

"Cash." His hands grasped my shoulders. "Listen to me."

I nodded for his to continue, and he sighed. "I really didn't want to do this right now, but this isn't working for me anymore."

My eyebrows raised. "Are you for real right now?"

He rubbed his hands over his face. "I just feel like we'll be better off friends than in a relationship. Don't tell me you don't feel it too."

I wasn't going to tell him that he was partially right. I felt like we worked because we were such good friends, but was now really the right time, especially this publicly? His buddies surrounding us started rubbing the back of their necks, probably pained with awkwardness having to watch this go down. "You're breaking up with me...in the middle of a party?"

Finding my composure was the only thing on my mind. I wanted to slap this boy in the face. Why would he choose now of all times to tell me this?

He started to speak, but I held up a hand. "You know what? I'm gonna go get drunk off my ass and think about all this tomorrow. Maybe we can break up in the middle of the campus center so we can have an even bigger audience to embarrass me in front of!"

"Cashmere, stop—" I interrupted him. I wasn't gonna let him pretend to seem worried about me.

"Please." I turned around and headed to the kitchen, where Justice was still standing. He looked at me, probably wondering why I was back so soon after a display like that.

I searched around the kitchen, eager to find something—anything to take my mind off everything. This was too much to handle, and what better way than to get a little drunk to avoid my problems?

Grabbing a cup, I quickly poured myself a cup full of tequila and gulped it down straight, not even bothering to pour myself a chaser.

"Slow down, have some beer instead," Justice offered, filling a cup from the keg. I felt a tap on my shoulder, and Tamara, a girl from one of my clubs, gave me a short hug to say hi. Turning back to Justice, I hesitated.

Although Justice and Adonis were best friends in high school, I never really liked him all that much because of all the times he tried flirting with me, and all the times resulting in me shutting him down.

Fuck it, Adonis isn't here and I didn't have to live in his shadow anymore. "I guess I'll take you up on that drink you offered," I said, forcing a smile on my face.

He smirked at me before handing me the cup he filled. "All yours, baby girl."

--

I stumbled into a dark room, and I could feel my arms being held by two people.

"What's going on?" I asked, but I could barely get the words out because I was laughing so hard. The room felt like I was spinning, and I couldn't see straight.

Suddenly, a bright light blinded my vision and I could feel my retinas burst into flames. "I can't see anything."

"Relax, Cash." Someone set me on the bed and I felt it dip besides me. My entire body was on fire.

I heard a curse before my body was lifted up. "We're gonna have to edit it so she doesn't look half dead."

I tried to lay down, but two sets of arms pulled me upright.

"Whoa there," a voice said from beyond the light. "Can't have you falling asleep on us."

"She won't even remember this." My body was positioned so I was sitting on my heels. I couldn't move and I felt frozen. "I saw her friend give her something plus the shit I gave her. I think what her friend gave her was a xan or ecstasy."

"I-I'm so confused," I stammered out, my hands shaking. "I want to go back to the party."

"Don't worry Cash, you'll be back before you even know it." I could finally see who it was behind the light, and I could barely make out the faces of Louis and Justice before I blacked out.

—
three days after

"Are you sure you want to make these extreme allegations, Miss Rawlings?" The head of the disciplinary board looked at me over his glasses. "There's no one to corroborate your story."

"With all do respect, what other evidence do you need?" I tried to steady my voice so it wouldn't shake and show I was close to crying. "The video has all the proof."

My mother grabbed my hand to steady me, knowing I was shaken. I smiled slightly to reassure her before it felt like I couldn't hold my mouth up anymore.

The president of the university sighed and rubbed his hands over his face. "I can't believe this is actually happening right now. Are you sure it's Louis in the video? My son?"

"His face appears in it multiple times, Mark," another member of the board said. "And you're not technically allowed to be here, considering that this hearing involves your him."

I swallowed hard and twiddled my thumbs, not knowing what to say. I felt like this was some sort of intimidation technique, and it was working.

Funnily enough, I wasn't scared when I beat the shit out of Louis last night when Harry told me about the video. I also wasn't scared when campus security had to take me away in handcuffs.

But right now, looking at myself on a screen giving head to two people at once, was scary. I tried so hard to remember myself doing this but my mind kept drawing a blank. I couldn't recall what happened, but that video said otherwise.

"Wanna be famous, Rawlings?" Louis' voice carries its way through the room as the video played back. "You wanna get back at at your boyfriend for breaking your heart?"

I saw myself nodding on screen, and I could feel a tear slide down the side of my face. I could see in my eyes that I was gone. My pupils were dilated and my forehead was sweaty. It was so clear that I wasn't in my right mind and I was taken advantage of, so why was this even a discussion?

"She's always been such a slut, even since high school," Justice said, laughing to himself. "I'm just finally glad that she gets to open that pretty little mouth for me."

"Open that mouth for me, babe," Louis said, hooking his thumb in the corner of my mouth. My mouth curved into some sort of a smile before the unzipping of jeans was audible and they paused the video.

"Cashmere," my head snapped up at the sound of my voice, and I turned to President Tomlinson. "I can make you a deal."

"A deal?" I asked, my eyebrows furrowing. "What deal?"

He sighed before leaning onto the table. "We can sweep all this under the rug, in exchange for the footage being deleted and the two of them being suspended for the rest of the season."

I glanced around the room to see if anyone was shocked at his words. One of the seven board members poured herself a glass of water from a pitcher. Several droplets spilled over the side, wetting her papers. Another member fiddled with his cufflinks, agitation clear in his posture. He didn't want to be here on a Saturday morning when the weather was getting nice again. The wrinkles on his face and the purple stain on the collar of his white dress shirt indicated that he probably had kids, messy little kids.

These people were so unbothered and indifferent, and it made me mad.

"So I was assaulted, and in order to protect your idiot son and that stupid fucking losing team, you want me to pretend like nothing happened?" I seethed, now less scared and more enraged.

I stood up, ready to pack up until Mr. Tomlinson said: "we'll give you a full ride for your next three years."

My mother drew in a sharp intake of breath, and I paused my actions.

You can't be bought, I tried to remind myself. Don't let them do this.

"And we'll give you glowing recommendations when you plan to apply for jobs or to grad school. All you have to do is sign a non-disclosure agreement, and this incident will never leave this room."

"Can my daughter have a day to think about it?" My mother said, holding my hand and gently pulling me back down into the seat. "She's been through enough already."

He nodded before standing up and buttoning his suit jacket. "I'll email you a copy of the documents in case you want to sign. You have until tomorrow."

Everyone filed out of the room after him, leaving my mother, a picture of my drugged up face on the screen, my shame and guilt, along with me.

"Cashmere." My mother's voice was stern yet soft. "All of this was because of some boy? The boy you brought into my home?"

I shook my head, finally letting the tears flow freely. "I don't know! I can't even remember fully what went on, and none of this would've happened if I didn't drink and take what I did."

My mother rolled her lips into her mouth before pulling me into a hug. This was strange, because before this my mother was not an affectionate person.

"This is not your fault, and although I must chastise you for underage drinking and taking pills, do not blame yourself for someone taking advantage of you," she murmured, rubbing circles into my back.

"What should I do?" I asked, sniffling and wiping the tears from my eyes. "They can't get away with this."

"Take the deal," my mom said, which shocked me. "I know this sounds crazy, your education comes first. Don't let those two run you off campus for a case that could go on for a year and stop you from learning."

"Are you kidding right now? I'd have to see Louis and Justice all the time!" I argued, my jaw dropping. "How can I even consider something like this? How can you, you're my mom!"

She held my shoulders and looked into my eyes. "A full ride, liji. At the place you once called your dream school! Tuition is not cheap here, let's not forget."

Hugging me close, she sighed before cupping my cheeks in her hands. "You are a strong girl, Cashmere. Don't let those boys stomp all over you by leaving this campus."

I sighed and nodded, understanding where she was coming from. I would have to see the men who assaulted me more often than I would like to, but I wouldn't have to worry about paying for school. It was like releasing a financial burden yet taking on another emotional one in its place.

"Just so you know, I never liked that Justice boy," my mother said, which made me chuckle slightly. "He was too street for Adonis, and Adonis is already enough street for me."

--

I was on my way out of the building, and I noticed Harry leaning against a lamppost. He jumped up the minute he spotted me. He was wearing navy blue basketball shorts along with his typical see through white shirt. He had a gym bag with him, so he was probably headed to practice.

"Get away from my daughter," my mom spat, shoving him away from me.

"Mrs. Rawlings—"

"You've done enough already—"

"Mom," I interrupted her, shaking my head. "He's fine. He didn't have a part in anything."

She looked him up and down before saying: "you're not welcome in my house ever again."

When she was halfway to the parking lot, Harry ran a hand through his long hair. "Wow, she's a lot tougher than I remember."

"What is it, Harry?" I wanted to get back to my dorm and unwind. I wasn't touching alcohol or drugs for a long time.

"I heard whispers yesterday in the locker room that you're taking this to court. Is that true?" He asked, shifting his gym bag on his shoulder.

I shrugged. "They offered me a full ride to shut my mouth."

"You're not gonna take it, are you?" His eyes went wide when I hesitated. "Shit, Cash. You're just gonna let them act like they did nothing wrong?"

"It's free education, Harry." We started to walk across the courtyard, side by side. It felt like old times, when things were less complicated.

"They bought you," he argued, shaking his head. "They waved money in your face and you took it, which you told me you would never do something like that."

"I didn't have much of a choice." I didn't want to fight with him, but it felt like it was getting there. A dull pain was starting to throb in my head.

"You always have a choice!" He said loudly, holding me by my shoulders.

"Well, I didn't have a choice when your basketball players shoved their dicks down my throat without my consent!" I yelled, shoving him away from me. "I could care less about how your image of me will change because the nice, soft girl you dated is fucking gone. Fuck your feelings."

I shoved past him and made my way to my dorm, holding back tears. If I was going to be on the same campus with Louis and Justice, I was going to have to grow a thicker skin.

----

a/n: wow.

-Rachel.