I dread going downstairs the moment I wake up. With a heavy sigh, I drag myself out of bed, cursing the boring black blanket once more for good measure before I hop in the shower. 

I take my time getting ready, showering longer than usual, but even so, it's barely seven when I'm ready to go downstairs for breakfast. I stifle another sigh and grab my bag before wandering downstairs. 

Izzy, Jace, Max and my father are sat at the dining table, breakfast laid out before them, eggs, bacon, pancakes, the works. My family doesn't settle for anything less than superb. But my mother is nowhere to be found. 

"Morning!" Max greets, grinning up at me. I smile back, ruffling his hair up as I walk passed him to take my seat beside him. 

"Good morning, Alec," my father smiles at me and sets the morning paper down beside his half empty plate. 

"Morning, dad," I smile slightly at him and begin to fill my plate with small amounts of food. I find my appetite much smaller than usual today, but I try to ignore the nagging knot in my stomach. 

"Where's mom?" Izzy asks, earning a minor wince from me. 

"She's in the kitchen making herself a coffee. Alec, would you mind checking on her?" My father's eyes move to me and my hand tenses around my fork as I nod feebly and push my chair back.

The walk to the kitchen feels like miles as I force my legs forward, my heart dropping considerably the closer I get to the entrance. 

My mother is leaning against the counter, her cream coloured dress cut off just before her knees, her high heels looking like spikes against the black marble floor. Her back is to me, her hair intricately twirled back behind her ears and cascading down her back. She's staring out the window, the coffee mug in her hands untouched. 

"Good morning," I say quietly into the space between us. The distance feels so vast I can almost hear my own voice echo. She turns slightly, looking at me with an unreadable expression. 

"Oh, morning, Alexander," she replies dryly. I swallow thickly, feeling like I'm suffocating, as if the walls of the kitchen are closing in around me. 

"Do you hate me?" I whisper before I can stop myself. I sound weak- something my mother has never allowed me to be- and younger than my years. I watch her expression falter, her carefully composed features become confused for a moment before she sets the mug down and walks toward me. 

"Alexander, I could never hate you," she confesses, her hand patting down my unruly hair. I chance a glance up at her. 

"But I'm gay, mom," I remind her, the word sounding like a curse on my tongue but I swallow it dry. 

"I know that," she tells me, nodding once and dropping her hand as if I've burned her. I fight back the tears- it's not even 8 am, far too early to cry. "But you're still my son, despite that."

I want to scream, I want to tell her that it shouldn't be 'despite' anything. I want to tell her that it shouldn't change a thing, that I haven't changed all that much at all, and the changes that are happening are good. I want her to be able to accept me fully, every inch of me, even though she never has. 

But I realise in this moment that I'll never have that. All those years spent vying for attention and acceptance from her have always been in vain. My mother will never be the mother I want her to be. She will always be horribly blunt and disengaged. And I realise that whether I'm gay or not, she'd never love me as wholeheartedly as I want her to. 

I'm right in saying it doesn't change anything. 

But this isn't a battle I want to fight. Not now, at least. It can wait. 

"Alright," I reply instead, my emotions tucking themselves into the back corner of my heart, for now, to be pulled out later on, when I'm ready. I glance at the clock and see that I need to finish eating and head to work. "Have a good day, mom." I turn on my heel and head back into the dining room, listening to my family converse while I eat and waiting impatiently for the moment I can see Magnus again. 

I drive a bit faster than normal to Bloom, parking in the back parking lot and making my way to the front door. It's already unlocked and I catch a glimpse of sparkly dark spikes disappearing into the back room. I find myself smiling already as I walk inside, the small bell above the door announcing my arrival. 

Magnus pops his head out from the back room and grins, walking over to me. He's not shy at all as he greets me with a kiss that I return eagerly. His fingertips trace my cheekbone briefly before he pulls back and heads behind the counter. 

"Morning, Alexander, I brought coffee and muffins for us. And Lydia," he adds with an eye roll that could put all other annoyances to shame. 

"Right, I forgot that we get her on Friday mornings," I nod and smile gratefully as Magnus slides my coffee over to me. The rich, decadent smell of dark roast drifts up to me and I inhale deeply, letting my bones relax a little. 

"Well, I'm a little excited, if I'm honest," Magnus grins, opening up the small white box and taking a blueberry muffin out for me. 

"Why's that?" I pick a blueberry off the top and pop it into my mouth. 

"Because today we can tell Lydia we're dating!" He exclaims excitedly, making me chuckle and grin. 

"True, we can. Or, you can, I won't steal your thunder." He grins openly at me and takes a bite out of his own muffin. We make small talk until it's time to open and Lydia walks through the front door. I roll my eyes before turning to her and offering her a fake smile. 

"Morning, Lydia, how are you?" I ask politely. She has her blonde hair piled up in a bun on top of her head, her bright eyes gleaming at me and her pink lips turned up into a smile. I won't deny that Lydia is a beautiful girl, but it falls deaf on me anyway. 

"I'm great, thanks, how are you, Alec?" She slides her green spring jacket off and hangs it up behind the till, not bothering to acknowledge Magnus who rolls his eyes at me. 

"Pretty amazing, actually," I reply honestly, because, how could I not be? I'm dating Magnus Bane, which is more than I could've ever asked for. He's kind of perfect if I'm being honest. 

"Really?" She asks, her thin eyebrows raising slightly in question. I shrug and nod, taking a sip of my coffee. "Why's that?"

"No reason, in particular." I shrug it off as Magnus rounds the counter with Lydia's coffee in hand. 

"Here, Lydia. I brought you a coffee." He grins, too brightly at her, and she seems a bit suspicious as she grabs the cup. 

"Alright? Thank you..." She takes a cautious sip and assesses Magnus' overtly happy expression. "Did you poison it or something?" She asks slowly. Magnus laughs and shakes his head, glitter falling out onto the floor. 

"No, I'm just in a good mood, that's all." Lydia narrows her vibrant eyes as they dart between the two of us. I can practically see the gears working in her head. 

"Am I missing something?" She finally asks. I shake my head with a grin as Magnus flips the open sign and walks back to stand with me behind the counter. 

"Alright, well, I think the two of you can hold down the fort while I go work on that flower order for this afternoon. I'll see you in a couple of hours, okay babe?" Magnus turns to me, pressing his lips to mine gently. I can only imagine the look on Lydia's face as I let my eyes slide shut and kiss him back, bringing the back of my hand up to brush it down the side of his face. I do, however, hear her startled gasp and the dropping of her coffee to the polished wooden floor. Magnus pulls back with a mischevious grin saved only for me before he feigns concern and turns to Lydia. 

"Oh, my dear, you've made quite the mess. I'll go fetch some paper towels." Magnus winks at me as he spins on his heel and heads into the back room, leaving me with a completely floored Lydia and a cup of coffee dangerously close to drenching her white flats. 

"Lydia, careful of the coffee," I warn her, stepping around the spreading puddle and pulling her back. 

"You and Magnus aren't seriously dating," she looks at me, her voice breathless and blown. I shrug and smile sheepishly. 

"Uh, yeah, we are," I break to her, scratching the back of my neck nervously. She shakes her head and lets out a laugh. 

"Wow, how stupid was I to spend weeks flirting with a gay guy," she shakes her head, a few strands of perfect blonde hair fluttering loose. 

"I wouldn't say stupid, you didn't know," I soothe, watching Magnus as he re-enters with a handful of paper towels and a mop. I leave Lydia's side to help him clean up the mess.

The bell above the door chimes and we're suddenly back to real life, Lydia shaking her head and greeting the man who walks through the door. I glance at Magnus, the two of us bent down holding half-soaked paper towels and matching smiles. I realise right here and now just how utterly, completely head over heels I am for him. And I find, I really don't mind. Not at all.