start song: over the moon by the marìas
this fic is weird be warned.

The dirt is supple, malleable with even the softest hands and easily pierced with a dull edged shovel. Tyler uses this to his advantage to root himself into the ground.

He wants to grow, flourish, bloom. Tyler wants to be more and to grow and to flourish and to bloom is to be more, he will be more.

Tyler will be a parallel to the dandelions that grow in his backyard, on his front lawn. He will never stop, he will multiply but the difference is that his roots will be deep. They will delve into the scary dark of the dirt and twist and search and find and hide. He will hide everything.

In his backyard, there's a large oak tree with peeling bark and sick branches and this tree is so weak that he's reminded that when he finally grows his roots, he may also become sick. When he finally makes himself at home beneath soil he will be crying.

This is exactly what almost happens.

*

It's raining when he wakes up.

Tyler's nose bleeds.

The blood soaks through the wet cloth he's pressed against his nostrils. He'd woken up to the taste of iron in his mouth and he'd smacked his lips together until he realized that he couldn't just leave it. He'd choke on his own blood and die if he did.

His journey to the bathroom had been a fast one, despite his eyes being tired and his body's protest to move out of his bed. He needed to clean his face. He needed to stop the blood flow from his nose.

Now, the blood has completely soaked through the thin cloth and Tyler's head is ringing, it aches as if he's been punched. It's bearable to some extent and it's better if he tilts his head back just a little bit. His couch would be ideal for this position but he'd returned to his bed in hopes of his nose bleed calming down.

It hasn't and Tyler needs something. He needs to do something.

He's prone to nosebleeds, this is a common occurrence so he's not sure why it's worse than usual. It's too spontaneous, too much blood.

"Shit." He whispers, blood drips down to his lips again. He licks it up.

The desire to do something seems to strike him again in that moment, the taste of iron on his tongue and the musk of rain radiating from half open windows. He doesn't know what but he knows it needs to happen.

He shrugs it off, it feels important but it's not. This is something that's as common as his nose bleeds, belittling situations. He's guilty of this on many accounts.

Tyler ends up back in the bathroom, that's where he needs to be. It's what he wants so he goes there and leans over the sink, bloody cloth thrown into an overflowing laundry hamper.

Blood drips over the pristine white of his sink, dirties it.

*

He lives in a small town, but even-so. They still have a walmart.

It's bigger than the mall they have, if you can even call it that and Tyler's going on his 4th year working there.

There won't be a celebration but in his head Tyler knows that everyone is happy he hasn't quit yet. He gets stuck doing all the floor work that no one else wants to do. He does everything.

Today, he's in charge of restock. Tyler is stacking cans of beans on shelves. And then later he'll be restocking bread and then eggs and maybe he'll be sent to the toy section to reorganize the messy shelves children have left behind.

Either way, Tyler will do it, he's a jack of all trades and his job lacks any real description. His interview had been for a cashier position, that's what he applied for but when they told them they had a new position open and it wasn't a cashier, he still, immediately said yes.

Tyler—like everyone else, has bills to pay. He lives alone, no one to help him. He needs a job even if it's just Walmart.

Surprisingly Walmart is a very stable job. He plans on working there forever, it's safe, especially for someone who lacks a good education.

His morning is spent doing what he expects, restocking food. Tyler does this in silence, that's how he likes things. His manager had told him once. "You can bring earbuds if you want kid, this gets boring."

Tyler had only frowned. He would've brought some if he wanted to, he didn't want to and he still doesn't. Tyler likes the quiet chatter of costumers, he likes the loud blare of the air conditioner.

When he's sent to the beauty section, the silence is deafening. Away from all the produce, it's quiet.

He sighs once he's stood in front of shelves,  makeup overflows off of them. Tyler is stuck, overwhelmed by the sheer quantity of different products. It's completely unfamiliar. He's never had a girlfriend, or a boyfriend or really known anyone who's worn makeup other than his mother.

She doesn't count.

Tyler is stuck putting away elf concealers and expensive mascaras for an hour before he's sent to the hair care section, among hair dye.

There's a man crouched down by the coloured hair dye, hair a soft curly brown, but Tyler pays no mind to him. He needs to restock the black dye. He wonders if it would suit him. His gut is telling him yes and his fingers pause for a moment as he lifts box to shelf.

"Huh." He huffs, thumbing over the models face. If he didn't like his hair black he could just as easily shave it off.

"Go for it man." The man who was crouched is now standing, he holds bright pink dye in his hand, along with an even brighter orange.

Tyler turns, slowly, he blinks. "Oh- no, I uh-work here."

"Yeah...........I know, you're wearing your uniform." The man says it slowly, as if Tyler can't understand. "Still, it would suit you." He shrugs.

"I'm just doing my job." Tyler says.

The man ignores his statement. "You get an employee discount right?"

Tyler only uses it on groceries, it's only 10% off but at least that's 10% he's saving, he nods. "Yeah, it's not very good though."

"Cool." And the man leaves with a scratch to his scalp.

And Tyler frowns before shoving one of the black boxes of hair dye to the side. He needs to do this, the man is right, it'll suit him.

He needs it.

*

Dark dye sticks to the gloves he's slid on, the substance already thick through his hair, doing what needs to be done.

The smell is probably the worse part for most people but Tyler like's it for some reason. It smells right to him. Ammonium in the air. He doesn't even bother pushing open his window, Tyler inhales it all.

He's careful not to touch anything other then his hair once he starts the dye job. Tyler is rebelling, this is new and exciting for someone who's life lacks all excitement.

A change in appearance is what he needed and when he showers, black dye diluting in the water to a dull grey he feels a sense of pride.

This is it.

*

No one notices. Tyler's fine with this, his natural hair was already a dark brown, a few shades darker does not make him a new person even though he is a new person.

Tyler is new, he is growing.

It's not drastic, just a small change and Tyler's happy with it.

The black is dark but it doesn't wash him out, he's naturally very tan especially since it's summer. He glows. He will continue glowing.

Black hair suits him.

*

During his day off Tyler inspects his backyard from the safety of his porch. It's home to the remnants of his mother's garden. He hasn't touched it since she's been gone.

It used to be beautiful, flowers grew and tangled and made his backyard green and lush. They no longer do this, they just barely grow now.

It's not beautiful, the grass is dead, the dirt is dry, the flowers do not grow. And they will not grow until Tyler does.

There's one single flower, a yellow carnation. Even so, it's dying, falling to the side.

He's not sure what he's done wrong, this is another problem. It needs to be fixed. Maybe he should be tending the garden but the dirt is too soft. It's like he's sinking when he steps foot on long grass.

Tyler doesn't want to sink. It's a fear of his, the garden will fucking eat him if he goes back there, eat him like it did to his mother. So Tyler never goes back there, he just watches as his mother's yellow carnation starts to wilt.

He'll watch the rest of the flowers grow and flourish and bloom come spring time.

That's what Tyler wants. For himself more than anything.

*

Another nose bleed wakes him up, this one is inferior to the first one.

There's less blood and the only reason it wakes him up is because he sleeps on his side and once again blood had trailed into his mouth. He welcomes it this time, presses it against his gums before swallowing. The taste is inviting.

He presses a cloth to his nose and takes wobbly steps to his living room, the tv is still on. Stuck on the nature channel.

Tyler accepts this, the remote control is too far away and he's too dizzy to grab it.

The nose bleed makes him weaker, he's fine with this. He curls up on the couch, tucking his feet between the couch cushions before pulling a blanket over himself.

"Here we are seeing the growth of several tulips speeded up by the use of the time lapse camera."

Tyler drearily looks at the tv, his eyes water. The tulips get bigger. The process is long but right now it's fast, moving in front of Tyler's eyes.

These could be his tulips, he could plant some and watch them grow just like this.

This could be him.

"Flowers contain the reproductive organs of our more highly developed plants and are important."

"Flowers produce seeds and seeds in turn develop into new plants."

Tyler thinks of sex in that moment. Nails and scratching and rough lips. A bed that squeaks and a headboard that slams and slams and slams into the wall until it breaks the surface of paint. The paint would chip and Tyler would orgasm and then he would cry because it's wrong, it's so far from being right.

Like plants, humans can reproduce but unlike plants they have to be intimate to do it. Tyler doesn't want to have sex to grow and multiply and plant his own roots. For what he wants, no, needs to do he doesn't have to have sex and he won't.

He knows he doesn't need to.

It's obvious.

It's more obvious when he closes his eyes, the couch takes him hostage for the night. A comfort to his back. The TV is background noise.

"The tulip develops a bud which develops into the mature flower seen here."

*

He chooses a flower, chooses multiple. That's the first step, the most important one. How can one grow without a stem, without seeds, with nothing? He strives to be a flower, to grow.

Flowers answer his questions, he needs them.

The process, albeit lengthy is Tyler's favourite part. He lives in the library for the next week. When he was younger his mother would drop him off here and go off with one of the many men she would bring home, she said. "I'll pick you up later sweetie, mommy has a friend she needs to go see."

Naïve. Tyler would and scamper off with a smile but not before his mother planted a big wet kiss on his cheek. Naive, he would do what was asked of him because she wouldn't leave without reminding him about her garden. "You need to know about flowers, so you can help me plant them later."

A big book of plants, an encyclopedia of flowers would press against knobbly knees and big brown eyes would digest every word. Names to pictures and pictures coasting through his mind to make links with the flowers he already knew.

His mother's garden flourished at the time, carnations and lillie's and roses. It was pretty, absolutely budding. Tyler wasn't allowed to touch it but his mother promised one day he would. If he learnt the flowers.

He can't even look at it now, can't put feet to soft dirt. And hands to prickly stems.

The librarian, she smelt of liquorice and walked with a small limp. Still, she was nice, Margaret was nice.

She would take him by the hand and lead him around the maze of bookshelves to the gardening section. "This ones good." She'd said with a genuine smile after pulling him out a book about the basics of gardening. "Great for beginners."

She would find him books that an 11 year old could read with ease and Tyler would read them without a second thought. She gave him good recommendations.

She would also give him lollipops when he left and set aside books she thought he would like. After frequenting the same library for two years, three years and then four years. You get to know the staff, Tyler was no exception.

Margaret was the nicest old lady he'd ever met and somehow he'd learnt to appreciate her guiding him, teaching him. She was more of a mom than his actual mother was.

And then he wasn't allowed to go to the library anymore. He learned this the hard way, his mother told him to stop, he didn't listen, and then she made him listen, and slowly, he stopped showing up. It was too far a walk without his mother driving him anyways.

The library was his home, his tiny piece of heaven outside of the hell that was his house.

Today he is home again, his raincoat dangles off of him and droplets of water slide down, down, down his sleeves and onto the tops of his shoes. And once he's inside his jacket is pulled off and wrapped around his waist in a tight hug.

The librarian, he once knew is gone, Margaret's plump figure no longer resides where it once did, there is a man at the front desk, scanning a child's book instead. Tyler scrunches up his nose and heads to the gardening section with quick footsteps. It's fine.

He knows what he's looking for; names, he needs names. Tyler is aware that flowers hold a certain meaning, and colours mean something. Tyler doesn't agree though, symbolism and mythology hold no importance to him. The choice of flower will be a gut instinct, he'll know when the flower he needs has been chosen.

Fingers tips skim over soft and hard binds of books and he has to tilt his head to read titles. He pulls out the biggest book there is, the thickest one. It will hold the most information.

Tyler holds it tight to his chest, this book is a manuel to growth, this book is his guide and he will protect it.

He doesn't even bother opening it, he just knows that this is the book he needs. The flowers will guide him from here.

"Gardening?" The librarian asks politely when he approaches him, he's looking at him as he gently takes the book from his hands.

Tyler shakes his head, he hates the way the man is looking at him so he busies himself by patting down his pockets for his library card.

"Oh do you not speak? Are you mute?" The man asks, Tyler hears the familiar beep of a scanned book. He's reminded of his childhood.

A frown meets his lips, his eyes meet grey ones. "I'm not mute."

"Sorry." The man laughs nervously, he feels bad. "Library card?"

Tyler passes it to him. 

The man swipes it and hands it back. "You have three weeks." And then his book is being passed back to him and Tyler feels complete.

"Thank you." He says. He has three weeks, a time limit to grow himself like he needs to. This book will help.

*

His house is small, sharp corners, old furniture and his wall paper peels. His mother chose this, she liked it at the time.

Tyler likes it too and when he toes off his shoes and curls up on the couch, it squeaks under his weight.

The trailer park he lives in is a small one and he is one of the few that has an actual house, albeit it being just a fraction bigger than every one else's trailers.

He lives on the very edge, his backyard is small and generates into a forest with tall trees and wild life.

And at night he hears howling and hissing when he presses his ear to the windows.

At night Tyler tosses and turns and groans and dreams of a mother that gave up her body for him to live.

*

Dreams come tonight too, it's real, it's so fucking real.

Rain falls, pushes down with an intense pressure on his withering body. He drowns beneath it, soil eats him. His feet are one with the earth and the earth is pulling him down where he belongs.

It's moist and searching for him. The roots he is meant to grow pull him, wrap around him as though they are a comfort to soft skin when all they do is rub poor skin red and raw.

There's blood.

Tears on his cheeks, he is pulled under, and he grows.

*

Tears on his cheeks, Tyler is awake vomiting in his toilet. Hands grasping ceramic and when he's done his knees shake and his head is dizzy.

Sleep doesn't not reach him after that, he spends the rest of the night on the couch, knees safely to his chest.

*

The first flowers he learns about upon revisiting his past childhood obsession are aconites.

He's sat the book on his lap, using the few minutes he has before he goes to work so he can read. Start what needs to be started.

Tyler likes these ones before he reads about them and how to garden them. They're bright and colourful and Tyler would love to watch one grow. The pictures are enough.

And he likes them more when he learns that they're poisonous, all aconites are dangerous when they come into contact with mucus membrane. They are to be handled with care, with gloves especially. The symptoms he reads about are skin irritation and cardiac and respiratory failure.

Tyler questions if his mother's ever gardened them.

Aconite or more commonly known as wolf's bane are flowers that thrive in full or partial sunlight and are best planted in moist soil. They're tall flowers that require a pH level in soil that is neutral to slightly acidic. Tyler knows the soil of his backyard is on the verge of being too dry, the acidity of the dirt is unknown to him.

Tyler closes his eyes when he finishes reading. His head hurts and he needs sustenance, just reading about the flower is draining.

The flower book is set on his bookshelf, separated from the other reading material he's collected over the years. This book is special, it means something.

*

Tyler pushes himself into the gardening section at walmart.

It's embarrassing, his hands shake as he pushes his shopping cart around. He doesn't know what he needs, yet. He's waiting for that feeling.

He scans shelves, ones he's stacked, ones he's organized. Gardening looks dangerous from up close, shears, shovels, hedge trimmers, lawnmowers. He has none of these things, not that he needs them, he doesn't.

His neighbour trims his lawn for him, she smiles and asks if he'd like a trim and he always says yes. Doesn't admit that he thinks the earth will eat him if he steps foot on the soil his mother once roamed.

Not being on the clock is a weird feeling, Tyler makes the most of it and quickly scavenges the section. He needs his grass wet and his dirt moist and pleading for seeds and life.

A hose is first on his list, he finds one, thick and strong, there are several different settings for the water. The option of having a sprinkler is also considered but Tyler doesn't trust it, he needs to do this himself. The hose is enough, he chooses one and nearly falls over when he holds it in his arms.

It's what his backyard needs to thrive.

Tyler bites his lip as he finds a small shovel, it's sharp around the edges, sharp enough to cut, sharp enough to dig. He needs it, he grabs it and places it against the hose. He places it carefully.

Several other things are thrown into his cart, a trowel, a watering can, gardening forks, a rake, gloves and a hoe. His cart is heavy albeit still looking empty.

He looks for seeds, he needs them for his flowers but walmart lacks what he needs. Surprisingly he doesn't make an effort to look for any, there are better places to get flowers. He needs the best and while walmart supplies him with the gardening supplies he wants, walmart doesn't supply him anything else.

At the cash, the cashier smiles at him. She knows him, blonde hair in a tight braid as she scans the hose. "Gardening?" He thinks her name is Jenna.

Tyler smiles, it's genuine. Exactly, she understands. "Yes, like my mom used to do."

Jenna nods gently, scanning his gloves, they beep. "That's good, i'm glad you've found a hobby." Jenna places them in a plastic bag.

This is not a hobby, this is everything. "Me too. It's exciting isn't it?"

She grins and scans more. "I guess so, i'm happy for you Tyler."

Tyler isn't happy but he smiles anyways. She doesn't need to know, she won't understand how important this is. How important it will be.

When Tyler gets home, he rips off tags and places all his new tools on the floor beside his book. The sight in its self makes him shiver, makes his knees weaken.

When Tyler gets home, he sets up his hose and waters the lawn from the safety of his porch.

When Tyler gets home it starts.

*

The flower seeds are ordered online. Tyler needs it to be this way, keep this a secret. Nobody can know what flowers he's chosen for this, for his garden, for his life.

He doesn't even completely know, he ordered as many as he could with the mindset that he'd know which ones to plant once they arrived.

*

Tyler stands on his porch, his toes curl and uncurl, his nails scratch the grain of wood.

He eyes the soil, he cries. There's a single flower that's grown this summer, it falls to the side.

Tyler sobs, his knees give out.

*

He's eating his lunch in the break room when his boss approaches him with a hefty smile and another person dressed in a uniform identical to his own.

"Tyler?"

Tyler puts down his peanut butter sandwich. "Yes?" He wipes the crumbs away from his lips, courteous, clean.

"I need you to train Josh." His manager says, nodding to the man beside him. Josh, he presumes, looks familiar, narrow hips, an amass of brown curls atop his head, piercings.

Tyler's seen him before, he feels sick. Josh is wrong.

Josh smiles at him, it's a nervous smile but still a smile.

Tyler stares at him and then his boss, always his boss. "To do what?"

"Show him the ropes, let him follow you around for the next few days. He'll be doing the same things that you do."

"Sure." Tyler nods, careful, he pats the spot beside him. "Eat lunch with me, I have another 15 minutes before I have to get out there."

"Oh-uh, okay." Josh stutters, his hands holding the straps of his backpack a little too tightly as he approaches him.

His boss speaks up once more. "You're in good hands Josh, Tyler's trained a few employees. He's good at it." Tyler's trained one employee, not a few but he doesn't dare mention it. He's a jack of all trades, he's stuck doing everything.

Josh sits across from him, his boss leaves and Tyler takes another bite of his sandwich.

"I like your hair, black suits you." Josh murmurs, not looking at him, eye contact is a thing of the past. He pulls out a plastic container from his bag.

Tyler swallows his bite. "It's uh- natural?" Tyler's aware his eyebrows aren't black but dark brown.

"Dude" Josh smiles at him then, unclasping the lid of his container, pushing his backpack to the floor. "Don't you remember me?"

"Oh." He doesn't know who Josh is, he doesn't know him. He doesn't remember, Josh is just familiar. "I don't-"

"I was like right beside you in the hair dye aisle maybe two weeks ago?" Josh says, excited. Like Tyler likes him, Tyler doesn't, he doesn't know him. "Told you to dye your hair. Can't believe you actually did, jesus."

Tyler grimaces. Yeah that's definitely why he's familiars. He knows him. "Right." Being around Josh is bad, he can tell.

Josh silences dramatically when he realizes Tyler's really not in the mood to talk and starts slowly picking apart his lunch. Tyler hopes he also realizes that he doesn't want to talk to him at all, no more words exchanged than necessary. They're co-workers, not friends. Tyler just wants to do his job. Josh is a distraction, or he will be.

It's obvious in his eyes.

*

Josh follows him around like a lost puppy as Tyler gives him a tour of areas he'll need to access. He shows him to the staff room, lockers, storage and Josh listens and blinks and agrees with everything he says.

And then when Tyler is told to go to the change rooms and put away the clothing that customers have rejected, Josh comes with him and Tyler shows him how to find his way round the clothing section with ease.

"You'll learn the area by heart, you'll have to. You need to know where this stuff goes even if you're not working in this part of the store everyday." Tyler says, pushing a sweater back onto it's appropriate rack.

Josh nods, leans against clothes. "Wow that sucks." It doesn't get any better, Tyler wants to say, he holds his tongue.

Tyler shrugs. "You'll be doing the same thing, alone, by this time next week. It's really not that bad." His walkie talkie buzzes in his pocket, he retrieves, it waving it at Josh.

"And this is how they order you around." Tyler says, waiting for the message to come through.

He's needed in the toy section. "Well." He looks at Josh. "Let's go then."

Josh follows.

*

When Tyler's home he panics as he throws his uniform into his dirty laundry basket.

He panics as he heats up leftover mac n cheese.

He panics as he eats.

There's something about Josh that's not okay, he's going to interfere with Tyler's growth. Josh will be the one to ruin things, ruin Tyler and Tyler, he can feel it.

Josh will dig him from the ground just as he begins to bloom. Josh is going to fuck him and Tyler is going to hate it.

He's a nuisance to what Tyler has to do and Tyler doesn't know why.

So he asks why, he sits on his porch, eyes narrowed on the one flower he has and Tyler asks. "Will Josh ruin me?" Who better to ask then one of the plants that inspire him, it's the only way.

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes

The carnation makes no noise but is so loud, as though it's screaming the answer.

Tyler thinks he understands. Tyler rolls his knuckles and cracks them and Tyler stands and stretches and smiles at his neighbour who's staring at him from her own porch.

*

He gets another nosebleed. It's bad.

Blood stains his bed covers in a way he's never seen.

It lasts a long time, Tyler doesn't even consider a doctor.

A doctor will ruin him more than Josh ever could.

*

Working with Josh is not awful, Tyler had expected worse and he's still expecting something to happen. It's just a guy feeling, but Josh is nice.

Josh kind of becomes his partner in crime at work. He's always on time, always carrying the majority of the work and he never complains when they have to lift heavy boxes and bring them over to the hardware section.

Today Josh is helping him bring two new bikes over to the bike section. "These are nice." Josh says, pushing the bike, wheels turning. Tyler can tell the tires aren't pumped properly.

Tyler nods. "Do you have a bike?"

"Nah, honestly can't afford one." Josh shrugs, Tyler's surprised.

"Do you have a car?" The question is stupid, Josh seems to agree.

Josh snorts and turns the bike as he curves around the edge of an aisle. "No, I walk to work everyday." This comes as a surprise.

"How long is the walk?" Tyler asks, staring at the back of Josh's head.

"Um." Josh pauses, he hesitates but still says. "Like an hour at most, to be fair I take my time."

Tyler blinks, following Josh's lead as he stops walking. "Dude, what the fuck.Where do you live?"

"Trailer park." He says and he starts walking again.

Tyler feels bad, and maybe it's pity, or stupidity but he wants to offer Josh a ride to work in the mornings and after. They work the same shift, they follow the same schedule. It makes sense. It's a good idea, it's a horrible idea.

He says nothing until they've gotten the bikes secured in there display, locked and placed properly. Josh yawns.

Tyler talks. "I could give you a ride to work, if you wanted." He's never done something like this before, mostly because he's never had anyone to do anything for.

Immediately Josh is saying no, wether it's pride or the need to not be pitied, Tyler has no idea. "Oh no." He shakes his head. "It's fine, honestly I like walking so there's no need. I wouldn't want to bother you anyways."

Tyler wouldn't be bothered, he's insistent. This might be the most he and Josh have ever talked. "C'mon I have a car, it'll literally be an extra 5 minutes whereas you'll get some extra time to sleep."

"Tyler....." Josh sighs.

"Josh, say yes. For me if anything, I get lonely during the drive." He likes being alone.

"How longs the drive?"

"Like 15 minutes." He grins. "c'mon i'm a very social person. I could use the company."

Josh snorts. "That's such a lie."

"Maybe. Just say I can drive you to work in the mornings."

He seems to take a moment to consider Tyler's proposal before taking a deep breath. "Fine. I would really appreciate it thank you."

Tyler smiles.

*

After his shift he goes back to the library but not to return his book, never to return his book. It's his now and he'll pay whatever fee necessary to keep it within his grasp.

No, he's here to find out what happened. Questions need to be answered, he has to know about her. Where Margaret went and why she's no longer here. He spent his entire summer in this library, this librarian guiding him, showing him new books to read.

Tyler is curious.

This is information he needs to know. The need thrums beneath his skin, it's in his blood.

There's a large desk hidden away in the children's section, a pale woman sits there, she reads and taps the desk with her nails. Tyler figures she is his best bet. Approachable, vulnerable. Easy, she'll tell him what he needs to know.

"Hello." Tyler says slowly, scared to scare her. She reminds him of a doe, jumpy, frail. Her clothes fall off of her frame, Tyler imagines they had once fit her.

She's not scared, at the sight of him her posture even relaxes. "Hi, how can I help you today?" She's smiling, dark hair being tucked behind pale ears. She's calm, not scared but Tyler can tell she's skittish, ready to bolt at a moments notice.

He scratches awkwardly at his wrist before clearing his voice. "Um, do you know what happened to the old librarian who used to work here? I came here a lot as a kid, was just wondering if you knew anything about her."

The girl blinks, her face somehow goes paler, skin as white as paper. "W-which one?"

Tyler scans her desk, eyes narrowing on a photograph. "Margaret."He clarifies and then points at the framed photograph leaning against a stack of books.

"That was my grandmother." The girl says shakily, fingers grasping the edges of the picture frame. Tyler immediately searches her for resemblances, he sees none. Is she lying? "She passed last year, from a heart attack."

"Oh." Tyler should be upset, he blinks. Why isn't he upset? "My condolences." He says as sincerely as he can possibly manage for the time being.

"Thank you." The girls murmurs, gathering her voice, her confidence. "Do you have any questions about her? Since you were wondering I assume you must have questions."

Tyler doesn't, he just wanted to know if she was alive or dead. He smiles. "I do, um- U have a few actually. Would you mind talking over coffee, maybe?"

"Yeah, okay." She says sheepishly, her cheeks flush. Tyler can't understand why. "My name's Nicole. Come back in a few days. We can talk."

"Tyler." He says, he sticks his hand out. "Nice to meet you."

She shakes his hand, hers is delicate and small in his. "Yes, likewise. Is there anything else?"

"No, have a nice day." And Tyler is gone.

*

In the morning he picks Josh up, they live in the same area but Josh's trailer is way further back. Nearly hidden, Tyler nearly gets lost but luckily Josh is waiting outside for him and Tyler can't miss him.

At the sight of Tyler and his car, Josh is smiling. A backpack slung over his shoulder, he's not even in his uniform yet. Tyler doesn't understand why, it's much easier to just come to work dressed even though they do have a locker room for a reason.

"Hey." Josh smiles, the car window is open, his voice clear, Tyler leans over the console and pushes open the door.

"C'mon in man." He says, tries to smile back.

Josh climbs in, setting his backpack on his lap instead of on the floor. "Thanks for picking me up."

"No problem, you actually live really close to me." Tyler puts the car back into drive, looking in his mirrors.

"Really?" Josh pulls on his seatbelt, still looking at him. Tyler can feel his eyes on him and he's not sure he cares.

"Yeah, i'm that tiny house that you pass by right before entering the park." He wants to look at Josh, meet his gaze but the fear of getting into a car accident is real and even looking away for a few seconds could end both of them up in a really unfortunate position.

Out of the corner of his eye, Josh's leg starts shaking. "Big tree in the front?"

Tyler nods, doesn't look at him. "Yeah, we'll pass by it soon."

"That's a big upgrade from a trailer."

"Is it bad?" Tyler asks. "Living in a trailer, I mean?" He wouldn't know, he might live by the trailer park but he's never actually been inside one before.

Josh shrugs, playing with the zipper of his backpack. Tyler's noticed he's constantly using his hands. "Not bad, it's just really cramped. I um-used to live with my parents." He pauses, chewing on his lower lip, Tyler now curious. Josh continues. "Our house was big, is big, I doubt they've moved. But imagine your standard high class family home and double it."

"Siblings?"

"Probably." Josh sighs, looking out the car window.

Tyler shouldn't ask but he doesn't know any better, completely unaware that this is a sore subject. "What does that mean?"

"If I have siblings, they definitely have different moms. Let's just say my dad gets around and my moms not smart enough to leave him." Josh doesn't seem to care, he doesn't seem resentful. Tyler tries to mirror those same feelings as he makes a sharp turn.

"Oh." Tyler bites his lip.

Josh holds onto the arm of his seat. "Yeah, anyways, growing up in such a big house and ending up in such a small living space takes a while to get used to."

Tyler nods. "That's understandable."

There's silence after that, Tyler turns left three times and right five times before he speaks again. "Oh dude, do you want coffee? anything? I usually stop by McDonald's on the way."

Josh is looking at him, Tyler keeps his eyes on the road. "Do we have time?"

Tyler checks, they have 15 minutes. "For sure."

"Okay." Josh grins.

*

Tyler reads his book once more, he's brought it to work today to read during his lunch break and when he'd been in the car with Josh he'd nearly forgotten all about its existence. He brought it today though because It had felt right to stuff it in his backpack this morning so he knew that he needed to bring it with him.

And when he'd eyed the yellow carnation in his backyard with soft eyes, the flower had whispered a quiet yes. Who was Tyler to disobey.

So Tyler brought the book and cuddled up in the corner of the break room, away from Josh. Josh who will be here any minute with his chipotle.

Tyler sighs, pulling the book into his lap and flipping through it. The pages stick under his finger tips.

He flips by a few flowers, bluebells, daisies, they all hold a certain beauty. All kind to tired eyes. Tyler would like them all in his garden but he doesn't need them. He doesn't know what flowers he'll be planting yet, he ordered so many different seeds, because he didn't know. He's still not sure.

He stumbles through pages, Anemones, Balsams, Begonias, Forsythia's, Josh walks in then. Loud, he's hard to ignore. Tyler immediately shuts his book, cradling it to his chest and joins him at the table. Josh can't know his plans, this is vital.

"Hey." He says, sitting across from him.

Josh stares at him, curious before he shrugs and begins unpacking the bag of fast food that's sat on the table. "I got you a burrito, I sorta just guessed what you might like. Sorry if it's bad. Just wanted to thank you for the drive this morning." He pulls out something wrapped and pushes it towards Tyler.

Tyler blinks, slowly curling his fingers around the shape of the food. "wow-uh that's nice of you. Thank you Josh."

There's a smile, a crinkle of a brown bag. "No problem man, you've been so helpful. I figured it was the least I could do." Josh pulls out his own burrito.

"I'll pay next time." Tyler tries to smile as he unwraps his food. Hungrier then he's ever been.

"Whatever you want dude." Josh murmurs, taking a big bite of his burrito. Chicken falls out of the side along with some sour cream.

Josh nods at Tyler's book, mouth still full. "You read?"

Tyler freezes, chews, swallows. "No."

Josh furrows his eyebrows but says nothing.
They eat in relative silence for the rest of their lunch break.

*

Nicole is shaking when he meets up with her. Her hands are trembling, the cups of coffee suffering from how jittery she is. She's beyond pale, Tyler doesn't understand what's changed.

He smiles once he closes the distance between them. "Hey, how are you?"

"I'm fine." Nicole says, attempts to smile, albeit her tone, her entire demeanour implying otherwise. "We can talk in the backroom." She says, she wastes no time and Tyler appreciates it.

"Sure."

Tyler follows her, she expertly leads them through the library all the way to the back of the building weaving them through the maze of bookshelves. When she opens the door Tyler's reminded of walmart's break room. Except this one is nicer, there are more couches, which is really it's only good quality.

She ends up leading them over to said couches, pointing at the arm chair across from her. Tyler sits, Nicole sits, and she places their coffee on the table between them.

"I miss her a lot." Is how she starts, she sighs, already on the verge of tears, her eyes shine with wetness, she's already emotional. "She was great you know? Made the best cookies, had the best advice We were super close, she told me everything."

Tyler is awkward, he's always been awkward but now it's especially bad. He doesn't understand how to console someone, it's hard for him. He blames this on his mother, she never taught him how to be sincere among all the things she actually did bother to teach him.

She didn't prepare him for situations like this just like she didn't prepare him for her death.

Tyler nods. "She took good care of me when I used to come here."

"Y-yeah." Nicole scratches at her scalp, can't look at him, doesn't even try to make eye contact. "I asked my mom about you." Quiet, still not looking at him.

Tyler tenses, because he knows that she knows that this something he doesn't like to talk about. This is a small town, people knew his mother, everyone knew his mother, therefor everyone knew him. No one asks him about her.

Nicole notices his reactions, she leans over and touches his arm. "I'm not going to judge. I- well your name sounded familiar and I know it's none of my business-"

"It's not." Tyler whispers, looking at his hands.

"Right, it isn't my business but I was curious and I know I had no right to snoop around but I did anyways."

"What did your mom say?" Tyler picks at his nails.

"She said that your mom used to drop you off at the library everyday or almost everyday and leave you there for hours." She takes a cautious sip of her coffee. "My grandma used to talk about you a lot, she was always worried about you. Scared your mom would do something."

"My grandma thought that your mom was um, abusing you." She clarifies.

"That's bullshit." Tyler snorts. It's not true, it couldn't be.

Her body language shows how nervous she is and so do her eyes. "Tyler-,"

"No continue, what else?"

Nicole shakes her head. "I don't really think I should, i shouldn't have brought it up. I'm sorry."

"Tell me." He says. "It's the least you could do." He says this as if Nicole owes him something, which she doesn't but by the way she frowns he knows she'll cave.

"My mom thinks your mom was killed."

"I- what? No she didn't, she wasn't murdered. She committed suicide, jumped off a bridge. That's why there wasn't a criminal investigation."

Nicole stares at him for a moment, and then she shrugs helplessly, nervously, her eyes shut softly. "Yeah, I don't really know. There were a lot of bad rumours going around when your mom was still around."

"Fuck that, they have no right to talk about her. They didn't know her like I did."

"Do you miss her?" Nicole asks gently. He's supposed to be talking about Margaret, when did this become about him. He's nothing.

His mother doesn't exist in his mind, his mother is a figment of imagination despite how often he thinks of her. He hates Nicole's question, nosy, pushy, he hates it. He says. "No. I dont remember her."

And Nicole has to frown and tuck hair behind her ear. "But it was kind of recent wasn't it? three years ago."

"I don't remember her." Tyler repeats, annoyed. He wants to hurt Nicole and he doesn't know why. She isn't mean, she just needs to shut up.

"I need to go, i'm sorry your grandma died." He stands, ready to run home. "This conversation was enlightening. I'm glad we talked."

*

Picking up Josh in the mornings and dropping him off in the evenings becomes one of his favourite things to do. Somehow he's forgotten why he didn't like Josh, he's great but despite this Tyler still get nervous around him.

Scared, like Josh is going to do something damaging. Tyler knows he won't but before he leaves in the mornings he swears he hears the yellow carnation in his garden tell him not to. He swears he hears it. But it's easy to ignore nowadays, he wants to see Josh, he doesn't understand why.

*

Tyler's waiting for his flowers to arrive, has been for a week and when they finally do he's about to leave for work. About to go pick up Josh.

His work uniform swallows him, his walmart shirt is too long and too big. He hasn't been eating and he couldn't tell you why. Either way, his skin clings to every bone.

He pinches the fabric of his shirt, eyes on himself in the mirror. Focusing on the mess that is his hair. His roots are already growing in, brown now fading to the black, it looks choppy if anything but he doesn't have time to realize this because he sees something better, more intriguing, much more important than the state of his hair.

when he looks out the window he spots a medium sized box clutched between the hands of a mail man.

A mail man who is walking up to his door.

Tyler watches intensely, something close to excitement shivering across his body.

*

The seeds are hidden beneath his bed in a large tin box before he heads to go pick up Josh. This is good, this is fucking perfect. He has never felt so strongly about something.

He has never been so terrified, because now he has to plant them. He'll pray that the ground doesn't eat him, he'll fall to his knees and pray to a god he doesn't believe in.

Convert to a religion he has no faith in for this to work.

It has to work, although he doesn't even know what it is.

Tyler doesn't even realize Josh had texted him not to worry, not to pick him up until he's outside of Josh's trailer.

i'm walking today, i need the exercise haha. don't come get me. I'll see you at work!

Tyler somehow feels cheated, even with an excuse he finds it odd that Josh didn't want him to pick him up. He thinks about it during the entire drive and accidentally orders a second coffee when he goes through the Mcdonald's drive through to pick up his normal order.

Josh's hair is bright pink when he meets him in the break room. There's a sense of dread in seeing him, a sense of hatred, Tyler has never hated someone. But right now, Josh isn't his favourite person.

Tyler's mouth opens in shock when he sees him though, it's unexpected from Josh. Josh reminds him of a puppy, a soft, shy, vulnerable little puppy who follows and listens and wants to make everyone happy. But right now Josh doesn't look soft, shy or vulnerable. He looks like he could kick Tyler's ass.

And he might but Josh wouldn't, he's not even looking at him; too preoccupied with sliding on his work uniform.

"Josh." Tyler says, an attempted smile. Always nice to Josh even though he shouldn't be, even though his brain hates him for it, even though the yellow carnation in his backyard would be mad at him, even though his flowers would hate him for it. He knows they do, even the ones he hasn't planted. The feeling is back.

Josh turns, pulling his shirt down to cover soft skin, a tight stomach. "Hey!"

"Um, your hair." Tyler doesn't look at him, he slides his bag off his shoulders. "It's nice, it looks good."

"Really?" He can hear Josh's smile. "Thanks man."

"No problem." Tyler is awkward, he's never awkward but today he is. He turns to him, willing his cheeks to back to being pale. "How was your walk?" He asks

"Honestly?" Josh looks at him, Tyler nods, can't meet his eyes so he looks behind him. Josh looks intimidating even though they're supposed to be friends. "It sucked, I really like spending time with you in the mornings. It was so lonely, I swear."

Tyler is prideful, he smiles, he feels better. "Understandable, i'm pretty great."

No hesitation, Josh smiles and locks his bag in his locker. "You really are."

"Um, I bought you coffee." Tyler murmurs, picking up the tray from where he'd set it on the counter.

Josh's smile makes him feel weak, Josh makes him week. "Wow, thanks man. Honestly I need to start paying you back, I swear you've bought me coffee every morning this week."

"Well," Tyler pauses, a sheepish grin on his lips. "I've gotta find some way to keep you around."

Josh laughs. Tyler smiles.

*