Chapter 5

The great hall at dinner always seemed to be so busy. She had never noticed how busy it was until it felt like everyone was staring at her.

She was leaning against the wall near the door, not quite ready to eat or sit with James who was smiling, full on grinning because he was alright, and his worry was with her and she loved the sight of him happy.

And she loved the sight of her friends happy because they didn't need to be sad until they were around her. She made them sad, it broke her heart that their smiles left her faces when she arrived and it was silent and awkward and hard.

She felt like a burden - no, she was a burden and there was no denying it, she was a burden to them all and it was evident as she watched them laugh. Watched James' head tip back as a howl of laughter left his lips and he hadn't noticed her yet. She wondered what he was talking about with Sirius and Remus and Peter and even Violet who was smiling as she ate her food but wasn't laughing, just smiling.

She wanted to talk to Violet most of all...Remus too, actually all of her friends. She wanted the day to come when she could walk up to them and they wouldn't silence and the smile on Remus' face would stay for her instead of change to the pain she was used to seeing.

It was all her fault that they were sad around her because they could be like they were now as she watched them from a distance all the time, with the small smiles and the bright eyes and the laughter she couldn't quite hear but wished to.

"Friends?" she almost - almost, rolled her eyes at the sound of the familiar voice, "let me guess...it stops when you go over."

"Very correct," she mumbled, a heavy sigh and her shoulders heaving, "the one with the glasses...boyfriend."

"That must be tough," Beau tutted, patting her shoulder but quickly moved his hand when she flinched, and for the first time she saw the sorry in his eyes, and on his tongue, "I didn't mean that, fuck, I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it." She was too talkative and he had picked up on it instantly. She wasn't glaring, she wasn't tying him to the wall or trying to get away from him. She was frozen to her spot and her eyes hadn't left the group of people, and she was talking - quietly, of course, but it was a conversation, "he never laughs like that when I'm around...I haven't seen him laugh like that in months."

"It's worry."

"I know." The words almost caught in her throat, and her eyes were fixated on him, on his smile and his laughter had died down and he frowned for a moment but not because she moved over but because he thought of her and how he wished she was with him but not sad, happy, and Bea, and safe and alright, and the fact that he couldn't give her that made him frown.

Not her.

"Do you love him?" Beau was quiet and he wasn't being his usual self as he leaned against the wall beside her, hands stuffed in his pockets and a frown on his lips, course he found Bea attractive but most people did, he wasn't frowning that she was taken, but at the fact that she was evidently sadder than usual.

Her sadness before was because of what she went through and it was more than evident that she was still trying to get over it, but her sadness as she looked at her friends was a clear indication of how she felt about herself.

"Yes." He could barely hear it and regardless of how much she didn't like him, or how he barely knew her, it was heartbreaking to hear, "he's scared to even touch me now, but he's always there. It'lljust - it hurts to see him this happy and I can't contribute. I'm...I'm scared in case he realises he'd be happier without me."

"Fucking bullshit!" Beau exclaimed, and although a few heads turned, neither of the two cared and Beau smirked - the one Bea always wished to wipe off his face, "I bet if he saw me talking to you he'd be a bit pissed."

"I don't think so," Bea frowned, running a hand through her hair, "I haven't seen him ever getting jealous - besides, there is nothing for him to get jealous over."

"You'll fall in love with me at some point, they all do," he waved her off with a smirk, and when she turned she noticed the dimples on either side of his cheeks, "I have a quality."

"I didn't know being a dickhead was now a quality," she grumbled, rolling her eyes and hearing him snort, "got any friends yet, new boy?"

"Talking to her," he swayed on the balls of his feet, "but unfortunately for you, I have a very important business to attend to."

He gave her one last look as he strolled away, moving down to the far end of the hall where the head table that the Professor's sat at enjoyed their meal too. Her eyes drifted back to her friends for a moment and James hadn't recognised her but he was curiously eying the new boy, the unfamiliar face and seeing if his friends had recognised him too.

"Attention!" Bea droned out after McGonagall rose, and Dumbledore said a small speech about the new arrival to the school and a reason behind his late sorting but Bea was hardly paying attention. She was looking at James whose attention was on Beau and for a moment her eyes trailed to him.

He smirked wider when he saw he finally got her attention and dramatically winked in her direction which was noticed by more than a few students, including one particularly pissed Gryffindor who hadn't even noticed his girlfriend at the door until his curiosity got the better of him and he turned to see who the boy winked at.

But what surprised him the most was the look on Bea's face, because whilst she did roll her eyes at him, at the new boy that James didn't know, he watched with a glare as her lips twitched ever so slightly, amusedly, or happily, he didn't know, but he saw it, and after a minute of staring, her eyes trailed to his, and caught them.

He stood suddenly, ignorant to his friend's confusion and stormed in her direction until he moved past her and she didn't hesitate to follow. He was angry, of course, he was, because he tried everything he could to get her to be happy, he wished he could give her the happiness she needed to grow and become herself again, and yet a boy he didn't know, the new boy came along and all of a sudden she was smiling.

"Please don't run after me, you don't want to miss your friend's ceremony," James snapped and though he instantly regretted it at the look on her face, the hurt in her eyes, he didn't say anything else.

"Are you serious?" she whispered, taking a step forward but he stepped back.

"No, he's in there watching your boyfriend!"

She glared, a hard glare in her eyes at the boy whose voice was anything but soothing or quiet, and she hated the harshness to his tone but she didn't care about the volume, "James-"

"What?!"

"You're getting jealous over nothing," her voice was still quiet but she knew it wouldn't be for long and she never wanted to fight with James, regardless of the situation.

"Well when someone winks at my girlfriend, sorry but I'm pretty fucking pissed!" he exclaimed, "and - well, when she smiles...for the first time in months, y'know I wanted to be the one to do that, I wanted to be the one to make you happy, to see that smile and finally set you on the right track!"

"You make me happy by existing, James!" she screeched, finally screeched, her voice bouncing off the walls and it felt...it felt good, to have the loudness she thought she had lost, and her arms flailed around her and she wasn't quiet.

She was a force to be reckoned with.

"You do make me happy but I don't make you happy, not anymore!" it was hard to admit that, "I saw you today, I watched you for so long...as you sat with the boys and Violet too and you were laughing so much, you were laughing at something and I wasn't involved and if I walked over to you I know that laughter would've stopped because I'm a burden, I'm not me, I'm not Bea anymore! I'm a burden and you all can't handle it anymore!"

He stepped closer to her, "you are the reason I wake up in the morning, Bea."

"To live a life of sadness?!" she asked, voice loud and tears in her eyes, "I don't want to hold you back, James, I don't want to hurt you any more than I already have, I don't want you thinking you need to get jealous of the only fucking person who doesn't treat me like I'm some fragile piece of shattered glass!"

"Who is he?!"

"His name is Beau. He's new and you know what he's my friend!" her hands rested on her waist and she glared at him, "but that's it! he's just my friend and he laughs beside me even if I don't! he talks to me like I'm not sad like I'm fine even though I'm not! And he understands...and I don't know how but he does and I don't fucking know him well but he doesn't pretend that everything's alright!"

"Well then maybe this Beau should be the one helping you-"

She broke down, she couldn't help it anymore, the tears streamed down her face and her hands furiously wiped her tears as a sob wracked her body, and the quiet voice returned, "I-I don't want him to be the one helping me, James."

His lips parted and he hated the sight of her like this, so sad, so broken and he wished to hug her, to hold her so tightly that he could piece her back together, but he stayed put.

"Then what do you want?"

"All I fucking want is you," she shook her head, "I want to be happy but I'm not happy, I don't know if I will be for a while but I don't care, I don't care about that, I don't fucking care about Fenrir Greyback, I don't fucking care about how hurt I am because I would be lost, I wouldn't be right if I didn't have you.

b-because I need you."

He couldn't keep himself away from her that time and he walked for what felt like the longest time and he took her in his arms and he hugged her so tightly that part of her did feel like he was the glue that she needed to piece herself back together.

"Please don't ever fucking feel like you are not my number one priority in this world," she whispered in his ear and she pulled herself back with her arms around his neck and she looked at him for the longest time.

She looked at his hair and the eyes behind the glasses, she looked at his features, she looked at him all, and she was ready.

He held her so tightly that she could barely breath but she was doing the same, she was clinging to him, body against body, and it was okay, she was okay, she would be okay, so she did something she hadn't done in so long and she pushed herself forward and connected their lips.

It wasn't for long, but it was enough.

His lips were soft, so soft, the softness she missed with every bone in her body, with everything she had. She missed the taste of mint toothpaste and butterbeer and she missed touching his cheek, caressing his skin as she kissed him but she loved having it back, and she loved being in his arms as he hungrily kissed her back, and when she pulled away, he moved with her for just a second.

It wasn't for long, but it had to be enough.