Chapter 4

"You know you will love me someday," a cheery voice floated through Bea's ears as she walked down the hall alone. She was on her way to find James as class was finishing soon and then she would be on her way to Dumbledore's office with James for a meeting she absolutely didn't want to attend, and the bad mood she was in wasn't getting any better with the very annoying new boy.

"Leave me alone," she said, her voice was quiet as it usually was and her eyes had already narrowed into a glare but the boys laugh only got louder and she wished to wipe the smirk off his face. "I won't hesitate to tie you to that wall again."

"Kinky," Beau smirked, though he didn't expect a reaction and he didn't get one either, "tough fucking crowd."

"Don't fuck the crowd," she tutted, turning to glare at him, "you're not funny."

"I think you're funny though," he grinned, "and of course you need a bit of Beau in your life."

"I have the b, e and a, I just don't want nor do I need u," she flipped him off before hurrying down the hallway in hopes to get away from him. She spared a look over her shoulder to see the wide grin on his lips and his arms crossed over his chest, she wished most of all to wipe the smile off his lips and with a flick of her wand the boy was thrown against the wall tied with a vine of flowers, though there weren't any thorns this time.

And the smile only widened.

She was leaning against the wall outside the classroom containing her boyfriend, there were only five minutes of class left before everyone would be wandering the halls and she wished he was able to leave early so that she wouldn't have to face the intense staring of students. She hated the pity, she understood it but she hated it and she just wished everyone forgot about it, that everyone treated her normally, the way...Beau treated her.

She didn't need a new friend or a new anyone. She didn't understand how it was possible for Beau to know so much about her unless he had studied it, or he had some way to figure out so much. People talked, of course, they did, she was the biggest gossip of the school and all of it was sympathy unless they felt the need to hate her.

Her old bullies glanced at her with sympathy in their eyes and apologies in their smiles and she wished she didn't have to witness that, she hated that. She hated them and how they treated her and because of what happened to her, she didn't want that to change. She just wanted everything to go back to normal but it didn't seem like that was going to happen anytime soon.

Part of it was her, she knew it was because she couldn't stand herself. She hated who she was, she hated her hair and herself and the skin she was in. She hated the scars on her body, the bags under her eyes, her voice - her damn voice that she couldn't stand. It was a reminder of her pleading, of the 'no's' and the 'please' that left her mouth that night, the crying and the choking back blood, she remembered it all so vividly and every nightmare every night was a reminder in the morning.

It was draining to stand in the hallway, to get out of bed every morning and think of the day ahead, it was hard for her to even think of going to class or even coping with people. She just wished-for James to be beside her and for him to talk to her in that voice that calmed her down, to watch him talk to her and to listen to him.

Students eyed her when they left class, some forced a smile and Lily Evans wished to talk her, to hug her but she knew she couldn't. It was obvious the difference in Bea even though she hadn't spoken a word, the hair, the shortness, the exhaustion clear on her face.

James wasn't far behind and caught her standing there with the frown on her lips, she looked as though she was falling asleep leaning against the wall, "hey baby," he mumbled quietly as he approached her and the familiar nickname he hadn't used in a while was a nice difference, it was refreshing.

"Hi," she said softly, looking up at him with the sad eyes near permanently on her face, he forced a smile for her and she just wished that he would touch her. It scared her so much at first, to feel someone else's hands on hers, to feel him close and feel another body so close, it made her uncomfortable, it made her sick almost but now she wanted it.

She wanted the feeling of him close to her, she wanted to hug him or go back to casually touching him. Her hand in his or his arm around her or just brushing shoulders, she wanted him to kiss her but she wasn't sure she was ready for that yet.

She watched his hands for just a moment, stayed firmly at his side and sighed when he didn't make any attempt to move them. She took a deep breath, and slowly her hands left her own sides and clasped over his, pulling them forward until they were on her waist.

His lips had parted, he wasn't sure what to do and for a moment he just froze but it was like something clicked inside him and not a moment later did his hands move from her waist and clasped around her back. She wrapped her arms around his neck, head on his chest and her body flush against his own and that was all it was.

There wasn't anything about the heat of him or his body pressed against her own that scared her, there wasn't any fear in her mind with him so close, it was just her and it was James holding her and she knew it and she missed it, she missed him.

"I'm sorry for being so distant," she whispered into his ear, gripping tighter and closer and clinging to him.

"Don't you apologise, don't you dare," his voice was stern but she wasn't unhappy, she was okay, "I don't want you ever thinking you have to do this, to touch me or be intimate, it's okay."

"I want to be," she moved her head to look at him, and her eyes shifted to his lips for just a moment, but she couldn't bring herself to do it, "I love you."

It drove him crazy, even just touching her, holding her, feeling her body under his fingers, he didn't want to push her, to make her think that she needed to do this for him but he saw the look and his head was messed up from her eyes drifting to his lips for just a moment.

They hadn't kissed, not since before, not since king's cross station and he remembered it, he thought of their kisses shared that full day and longed for it again, but he was happy with just having her. He couldn't bear to think of not having her because there was a moment that he lost her and even thinking of that...it broke him.

He cupped her cheek hesitantly, softly, stroking his fingertips over her cheek, watching her eyes close at the touch of the softness because that wasn't what she had felt that night and that's how she knew it was James' touch. He was soft, cautious and soft and pleasurable, and the man who hurt her was anything but, he was rough and hard and evil and she hated it and hated him and she knew that the boy with his hand on her cheek was the one she loved.

She hummed at the feeling of his fingertips on her skin, a sigh, a purr almost, "I love you too," he was smiling and hesitantly pulled his hand away after a few long moments, "ready to go?"

"Not really," she frowned, reaching down and intertwining their hands, "but it'll be good...to get it over and done with."

He nodded, a sigh leaving her lips and he knew she wanted to go back to normal but he also knew how hard it would be, there were boundaries and there were things she was still unable to do, her happiness wasn't back and she couldn't bear her voice, but she just wished for herself.

Dumbledore's office was quiet when they arrived and she was happy that James was there, he knew how she felt and for the most part, he talked until she really needed to, and when she did it was hushed and short and the three Professors showed their evident sympathy.

Dumbledore was the best to hide it but it was evident in his eyes and Bea was good at observing, she was doing it a lot with the lack of talking. McGonagall was always a stern woman but she was sad, and it was evident and upon hearing the news the first time she wished out of everyone to find and kill Fenrir Greyback as much as the next person.

Sprout, well, Sprout was a wreck. Right now, she was containing it, though she was silent, but hearing the news was like mourning a death, it was not a secret that Bea was one of - if not - her favourite students, and hearing of the way she was in pain, hurt, broken - it broke her too, seeing her with the frown on her lips and the bags under her eyes and the dark hair.

The three teachers had taken it upon themselves to set up her own dorm out of the way of other students, she was happier that way, not happy, but better, it would be easier for her. She couldn't bear the company of her friends never mind the strangers of her roommates, she had known them for years but not truly, she was, of course, friendly with them but...not anymore.

It was a smaller room, smaller than a dorm but not tiny, it fit the four-poster bed, a dresser, a mirror and some copper decorations scattered around the room. A window allowed light in at the far end, and scattered around it planted bright flowers and a small shelf containing a copper watering can.

It was a room fit for her - or maybe the her that everyone seemed to know. But she knew herself that the plants would be dead in a week or so, and the room wouldn't be this clean for a while when she was living here, but she liked it.

It was quiet except small sounds of chirping and the fire from the common room that she could hear from the door, and the faint sound of the students on the Quidditch pitch near, she was sure James would've been there practising had it not been for her, and that broke her heart.

He loved Quidditch more than anything.

"Is it - is it enough, Miss Lupin?" asked McGonagall. Her stern voice was shaky in most places and she knew it was hard for them to talk to her, "the plants are the ones Professor Sprout says you have taken the most interest in."

Bea lifted her gaze and nodded silently, the ghost of a smile on her lips for the kindness, the gesture to make her feel welcome at school although she hadn't even turned up to any of her classes except Sprouts.

"If there is anything else we can get for you, Bea," Sprout said, looking at James too who in turn nodded.

"We will give you time - to settle, but yes! If there is anything you may need or want," Dumbledore offered a smile, clasping his hands together and Bea watched them go before-

"Wait!" her voice was louder than before yet still hushed, quiet, "there is one thing."

"Anything."

"May I get some paint supplies...please?"