Chapter 2

"If you want to come home," Lyall whispered quietly, voice trailed off into the busy platform and his hands on either of her shoulders and Bea nodded silently. It had been a long, very lengthy progress and they weren't quite there yet but it was slowly forming, a relationship sprouting from love instead of hate for the oldest and youngest Lupins and it was better than what they had

"Write every week, Bea," Hope whispered teary eyed and had to force herself not to pull her into a hug. She was more reserved and even interacting like now was a lot for her, too much for her in some cases and James never left her side.

She turned to leave her family after a small nod and a forced, very tiny smile that made up for what she couldn't do and James patted Lyall's shoulder, though he was still bitter towards him - no, he hated him, and Lyall knew so, but he was grateful for the gesture.

Usually, the father hated the boyfriend, but their situation wasn't common.

James was close next to her, and she stopped until he was right by her side. She needed him, and that was alright though sometimes she didn't see it like that. She hated the thought of needing someone but she needed James.

Everyone was there for her and she knew that but he didn't act differently, he pushed his own feelings aside, he bit back his anger and tolerated her father because no matter how immature he could be, and no matter how much he wished to scream and cry and fight for the girl, no matter how much he wanted her smile back.

He knew it wasn't that easy.

It was as though a switch had flipped and he loved her far too much to risk her pushing him away, so he did what he had to do and he kept his distance whilst being there every second. His voice was hushed and quiet because the sound of voices, of loud noises and banging startled her and the hushed whisper his voice stayed at was enough for her.

He didn't touch her unless he was absolutely sure that it was okay, most days she would initiate any touching and it would a simple lean into him or a brush of their shoulder because being intimate was far too terrifying for her that she couldn't bring herself to be intimate with him anymore, and he knew that and he didn't mind because he would rather her be comfortable.

Sometimes she would take his hand, or his hand would be in her view and she would reach out for it or he would brush her finger with his hand and watch the gears turn, to take his hand or move hers away and mostly she took it, sometimes, though, she didn't.

"James," her voice was quiet, breathy, slow, and caught in her throat as fears ran through her body and nausea waved over her, "e-everyone's staring at me."

It was true, the train had stopped, the scattered few students in the halls had turned at the sight of her and thrown sympathetic smiles her way as if the attention would possibly make her feel better. Students of all ages eyed from compartments and some familiar faces even mustered a "hi, Bea!" but they got nothing in return, and they wouldn't lie and say they didn't expect that.

She was shaking and James could feel it behind her, so he made a split-second decision to wrap his arm around her and she sunk into him, her shivering vibrating his body and her nerves not calming but she knew she wasn't alone, and there and then it was enough.

"Look at me, Bea," he mumbled quietly, voice as soothing as it always was and his eyes bore into hers when they lifted from his chest, "just look at me, keep looking, come on that's it." he encouraged her to keep looking whilst he moved his eyes in seconds just to look for a compartment she could shield herself in.

Her eyes didn't leave his even when his moved and she stumbled over her legs until he had her stable, and he finally found a compartment for the two of them and he closed the door and pulled the small curtains over the windows to shield out any unwanted eyes.

"It's like I'm not even human." Her voice was quiet and croaky and broken and the pain alone made James stop for just a moment, he didn't speak to her much only when she needed to be soothed but he didn't talk a lot, not tons, just enough.

"Well you are," he turned and saw the tears forming and the hair falling over her face and he moved towards her and crouched down in front of where she sat crossed legged on the compartment chair. He was hesitant, terribly hesitant but she hadn't flinched when he sat in front of her so he tucked the hair behind her ear and his hand rested on her cheek and she leaned into the warmth.

"You are a human who has been through wars, who has seen hell and returned and not one person out there ignorant enough to look at you like that can't ever say they are as brave as you are. You are a survivor Phoebe Lupin, nothing less and everything more because you are so much fucking more than what happened to you," soothing, the soothing voice never left but the words spoke a truth she wished to hear earlier.

"I hate," she stopped herself, wondering if telling him the truth would hurt him after all he did for her but he wanted to know everything she felt, "I hate how much I need you."

"If this happened to me would you help me?" he asked, hand still on her face and eyes right on hers and she nodded silently, "exactly. You should never feel bad for needing help because the best of us do."

"I should be stronger than this," he felt the tears in his hand but he didn't acknowledge them, he just moved and he sat right beside her and his hand cupped her cheek again but she surprised him by moving his leg and sitting between them and slowly, very slowly, leaning her head on his chest.

He was tense and she felt it and she was too because being this close to someone was terrifying, the feeling of someone else's body over hers, against hers...it, was a familiar feeling and the thought of it crept into her mind but it was James, and when his eyes flashed in her mind and his smile and he had relaxed, she had too.

"You are the strongest fucking person I know," he mumbled in her ear and she didn't know if the shiver down her spine was from fear or pleasure, "you don't need to talk to people, you don't need to look at anyone and you don't need to go back to school and yet you're talking to me, and you looked at me and you are going back to school and if that's not strong then nothing is. You don't need to get dressed every morning, you didn't need to pack, you didn't even need to get up, but you did."

"I'm not talking to anyone else though..." she trailed off and her voice was muffled slightly from the comfort she was slowly easing into and both of them knew that in a few minutes it would be too much for her and she'd lift herself up and curl into the corner herself but for now she was okay, "I'm only talking to you."

"You could've picked anyone to need, Bea. You could've picked Remus, or Sirius, or Peter, or Violet or Bertie, or even Lily and all of them would tell you the same thing, we all love you and we all know that you need space and time and everything else and whatever you do, we will be there and we will love you just as much as we always have.

None of us knows the full extent of what you're going through but we know that it's a bloody lot," he didn't dare kiss her skin as much as he very much liked too because that was too much, that was crossing the line and he couldn't do that.

"You're the only one who doesn't walk on eggshells around me," she whispered as quietly as he did, "as if I'm some child - as if it was...the first time. I'm not me, I'm different, I'm not Bea - I don't feel like Bea.

I miss her."

He didn't know what to say and he ached when she pushed herself up and sat in the corner though her eyes stayed on him and the glasses on his face and his kind eyes and plump lips and she wished she could go back to the station before summer and kiss him the way she did then, and she wished she could take his hand and whisper in his ear how much she loved him because she did love him.

"I miss her, too," he mumbled as quietly as ever and the ache in her heart expanded, "but she's not gone. She's in front of me, she's got dark hair now and it's shorter but she's still incredible and she's still great at herbology and she's still kind and she still loves and cares for everyone around her and she is still Bea.

You don't miss Bea, you miss your happiness because you are Bea and you can't be happy all the time and I fucking wish that you didn't get stripped of your happiness because of that disgusting creature, I wish you were happy and I wish you were smiling, I wish for your happiness to return.

But it's not going to happen so soon, and that's unfair, I know it is, and I wish I could do something - anything, to be able to put a smile on your face. I wish I could bring back your happiness and I wish you didn't feel so guilty about depending on people who loved you.

Because you don't need people, you don't need others to fight your battles but we are all going to be here to bandage your wounds."

She didn't know what to say, it was as though the compassionate side of her had left and she was a hollow host to a girl who had drifted because she wasn't the same but he was right. She was still Bea, she just wasn't happy Bea, she wasn't the bright sunshine girl who roamed the halls and danced and sang as she tended to her plants, she was quiet and sensitive and jumpy and frightened and broken but she was still Bea.

She did it again, she looked at him, just looking at the outline of his face and the glasses over his eyes and the messy black hair on his head. She remembered running her fingers through it and they twitched from her lap, she remembered brushing the stray hairs out of his eyes and hearing his soft hums of pleasure and his head lying on her chest and the smile on his lips when she surprised his face with tiny kisses.

She remembered taking his hand under the table as they studied and sitting between his legs with his head on her shoulder and their study notes in her lap as they both read and he would ask questions not answered by the sheets and the answer would be on the tip of her tongue awaiting his asking.

Her eyes studied his lips and how he would kiss her and the taste of Honeydukes sweet and butterbeer flashed through her head or those times when the Gryffindor's one a match and they would celebrate wrapped up in each other's arms and she would turn and kiss him so softly and slowly and filled with passion and her hands would run over him and it drove him crazy and it drove her crazy too.

And she wished to have that back and she longed for it back, and her leg brushed his foot as it sat near her and at the contact, he lifted his eyes to see hers on his and she watched him bite back the small smile.

"I love you."

It was quiet and barely audible but the compartment was empty and silent and it floated through his ears and shocked him so much that all he could do was stare at her for a few minutes until he straightened himself and he didn't hide the smile that time.

"I love you too."