Chapter 10

Streaks of pink, orange too, a dash of purple, and some blue.

The paint spread across the canvas mimicking the sky behind it, and Bea couldn't keep her eyes away. She could hardly sleep on her own, but she never wanted to be a bother to James, of course, she knew he wouldn't mind - but her nightmares were a constant wakeup call and she could deal with it, she had to deal with it.

But James didn't deserve to, he deserved to have his sleep for all he did for her. Well, that's what she thought anyway, and James hardly slept a wink knowing she was by herself, he wished she would just tell him the truth because he knew it himself. He knew she was scared and could hardly sleep and didn't sleep, but she never thought to elaborate, and he wished she did.

She thought she was alone. The sun had hardly risen but it was the perfect time to paint, when the dark reds had turned to a deep shade of pink and oranges streaked like clouds, and purples floated over the horizon. The sunrise was so beautiful, it was a masterpiece in itself that she could hardly recreate, and the canvas was a mess of colours with a half orange circle in the middle as the sun, and she thought it looked okay.

"It looks wonderful."

She squeaked out a gasp, eyes wide and clutching her heart. Her heart dropped into her stomach at the sight of the boy, ever so lanky and already dressed in one of his many sweaters for the day ahead. She could see the bags hanging under his eyes, his sandy brown hair that used to be one of their many resemblances messed up more than usual.

And she closed her eyes in sadness and guilt, it had been the full moon.

"You should be at the hospital wing," she whispered. They hardly spoke, and it was so painful to see him and for her not to smile because he was her best friend and she loved him so much and he could hardly look at her, this was the first time he had properly looked at her in so long.

"The nights have always seemed so off," he said, pointing to the sky out of the window and then taking a seat atop of one of the tables pushed to the side for her art supplies to fit, and she turned to give him her full attention regardless of the fact that he ignored her, "having the boys with me is great because it keeps my mind off of things but even as I change I still knew there was something off - there was something off for so long and I couldn't quite place it, I didn't know what it was and why it bothered me so much.

I thought of it for a long time coming back and even during summer when I still had the boys, and something was off and every time I thought of it I just got even more confused because I didn't know what it was that was making me think of this.

Then I realised just today when I woke up and I had fewer scars than I usually do and I wasn't in as much pain and Madam Pomfrey didn't have to heal me as much as usual because it was as though I was satisfied even as the monster I am-"

"Remus-"

"Let me finish," he said, "I was satisfied because I figured out what it was. It was this noise, this terrible fucking buzzing that was so constant and I heard it every single full moon and over the course of the months I hadn't heard it, it was gone.

And I wasn't relieved, I hated it - I wanted it back because I could see the boys, but I could hear the buzzing and it calmed me and I wondered where it went, I wondered for so long. Then I remembered which happy sister of mine used to buzz with excitement whenever she saw someone, whenever she was happy. Her eyes bright and she'd just let out a waterfall of words because she was buzzing with excitement and happiness.

Thing is, said sister isn't happy right now.

I hated that, I wanted to be able to make you better, I wanted to bring back the girl who had left us, but you haven't left us, Bea, you don't need to get better. Not hearing the buzzing is off, and seeing you so sad is off but it's life and we won't fall because it's not there, but we have continued on, me and the boys, we go out every night still even though the buzzing isn't there because even though it's odd, it doesn't stop us from doing what we need to.

And you being sad won't either because I can't make you happy, but I can be there for you until you are. You are my sister and I love you for all of eternity and I have been the most selfish fucking asshole this world has ever seen because I mourned for a girl who hadn't left us, and I didn't realise how much I was hurting you until a fucking stranger made you feel better than I did."

"You're starting to sound like that stranger," she whispered. She took a deep breath, reaching out her hand and Remus slowly stood up and made her way over to her and he sat down beside her, and she wrapped her arm around his waist and she felt a part of her homecoming back to her in the form of Remus in his classic jumpers.

"Y'know I really hate talking," she said, "because it reminds me of my voice that night and I hated the sound of that pleading but that night I talked to you and I said goodbye and I thought I was going to die and I didn't.

I'm not going to lie, Remus, because I couldn't do that to you but the months following that night there were so many times I thought that maybe dying would have been the best thing for me, that I wouldn't ever be who I used to be and it's only until recently that I realised that I don't need to be who I used to be.

She died, and I took her place but that doesn't mean I'm entirely different. I want to be her again, I want to be happy and bright and kind and I want this fucking hair gone because I look like a cheaper version of Sirius but I have heard countless times that I will be sad for a while and it's just annoying to think of that, but I have okay days and I have bad days.

But I have no one," she shook her head, "I have James, I have Beau and I have Bertie and I hope now I have you but I don't want to force the others to talk to me if they don't want to but I feel so alone without everyone. I'm so different but part of me is different because the others can't seem to realise that they don't need to be sad because I am.

I will be sad for a long time, I know I will, regardless of if I want to be but if I'm making everyone else sad it makes me even more miserable. Do you think I want that? to make everyone sad?

I want people to treat me like I'm normal again because I am normal. I'm not sick, I'm not dying - been there done that!" she exclaimed, tightening her grip on Remus who was holding her just as tightly.

"I could hardly look at you," he whispered, "because every time I did I saw you that night. I saw the wounds and blood and the pain in your eyes and I knew you didn't want to die and I couldn't stop that, and I have...so many nightmares about it, of those plants not saving you, of you dying in my arms and maybe I shouldn't be telling you this because I don't want to upset you more, but it just terrified me.

But then I saw you, and I see you with...Beau? I see you with him and you're reacting to him - he's grinning madly and laughing loudly and you're rolling your eyes and pushing him, and you can see that you're not happy but you're relaxed and I see you with James and he doesn't shy away from holding you anymore and he smiles when he talks about you now, he smiles so widely because it's you.

Bertie, I haven't seen happier, he's back to his old self now - I talked to him and he was him, it was him and I didn't know how that happened so quickly and I realised it was because he talked to you because I saw him with you and it was the same. He was talking to you and you were listening and I realised I didn't need you to be happy, Bea, for me to talk to you because that was selfish of me to want.

But I do need you, I need my sister."

"I've been waiting for you to talk to me," she said truthfully, "I can't go to classes and I can barely go to the great hall and I'm not going to lie because this is one of my...okay days were I'm talking but I'm not like this all the time."

"Bea, you could throw me out of that window right now and I'd come back in with a blanket and some chocolate and sit with you whilst you do what you need to," he mumbled into her forehead, and she gripped closer to him, "I think I deserve to be thrown out that window."

"I don't think you do," she mumbled, "I was a bit mad at you for a while, but you held me, Remus. You were the one that was there when I was dying and it's terrifying to think of it but it's true."

He took a deep breath, "what are the bad days like?"

"Sometimes getting out of bed is the hardest struggle and a lot of the time I don't. I come here and paint my thoughts and they're sad but at least they aren't in my mind anymore. Beau said that people who go through something like this are drawn to something they are naturally gifted at and they learn it, he says I'm gifted at painting like he was with piano, but I don't know if that's just a coincidence or not." She sighed, running a hand through her hair and basking in the warmth that Remus always seemed to emit.

"Does James like Beau? I heard he got jealous of him."

"He did but he shouldn't have, and he knows that. As much as I love James, he's not the boss of me and he knows that too. We trust each other, I trust him more than anything and he's the same with me and if there was anything to get jealous of then it's certainly not Beau. Who is that muggle celebrity I liked?"

"The one from that new scary film that's coming out?"

"Yes."

"...John something?"

"Yes! See if somehow he fell in love with me then James should be scared," she liked to joke even if it seemed like she wasn't because regardless of any celebrity or anyone who fell in love with her, she had fallen in love with James and that was the only boy she would ever want. But she could hardly laugh without using her energy and sometimes it added to the comedic effect of what she was saying.

"I missed you so much Bea," Remus laughed, shaking his head, "if somehow you end up sad for the rest of your life just know that I'll still be here and that you're still my best friend."

She raised her eyebrow when she looked at him, and with a scoff, she said, "you know, Remus, you really know how to lighten the mood."