Zephaniah

One month later

Clouds traveled slowly, forming into the most creative creatures before they slowly dissolved along the way. My eyes followed them as they came and went, the soft breeze flinging the fringe to my eyes sometimes, making me blink a little faster.

The watery sun shone weakly, but it still gave us the warmth she always had within her. The leaves rustled softly, a few lost birds chirping euphonious as they sat on the branches, plucking off berries in between their songs. Pulling my beanie further over my ears, I licked my lips slowly, for once feeling at peace.

My fingers brushed over the leaves I could reach, the drops of the morning dew feeling cold, but soothing in a way. Sitting up, my body bounced lightly on the trampoline, my eyes focused on a ladybird. Pressing my hand against the leaf, I watched how the tiny creature moved from the leaf to my hand, rapidly walking around.

Biting my upper lip as I smiled, I watched how it flew off, traveling along with the breeze and clouds- she was too small to fight against the wind.

Lying back down with a soft sigh, I let my thoughts run freely, getting caught up in one of my stare moments.

The break from University had done me well- I needed to sort things out. In my life, but mostly in my mind after all what had happened the past few weeks, maybe even months. Slowly but surely, I was getting used to the massive changes in my life.

Jedidjah still woke me every night with her sweet but rather loud crying. At some points, I was so exhausted that it made me feel frustrated, but I knew she couldn't help it, and besides, I had done the same when I was a baby.

The sleep deprivation, however, had given me a seizure, but dad had been there to keep me safe. Something I had felt worried about after Cooper went- who could sense it now? I woke up in my father's arms.

Sometimes, when mum went out for the day, Dad and I took care of Jedidjah. I got to bathe her, to feed her with a bottle, we would rate her burps and I got to change her nappy. Dad would always tell me stories about when I was a baby- I loved to hear them. Everything told me that he loved the two of us equally, it made me feel content. Jedidjah was a beautiful, sweet baby.

And after days of being trapped in my own mind and body, not wanting to talk or to be touched- I was now more affectionate than ever. Until my fourteenth, every Saturday morning, I would crawl into my parents bed the moment I had woken up in my own. It was our cuddle moment- as compensation that I couldn't sleep in Dad's bed anymore when he married mum. Except for when I was afraid, of course.

Lately, I had found myself in their bed again on Saturday mornings. Sometimes I dozed off in their presence, Mum would lay Jedidjah beside me and I would play with her little toes and fingers after she had woken me by accidentally pulling my hair or nose. I would laugh and kiss her cheeks, stare at her little nose, the details on her baby skin.

I still filled Cooper's bowls with water and food every morning, kicked around the toy I had bought for him in Amsterdam but hadn't been given the chance to give him it. I still walked our walk, even when it took way longer now that I was caught up in my stare moments at times, being distracted by the distractions- no one was there to get me out of them but it was okay.

Doing those things gave me comfort, it was something familiar that had belonged to my routine for over eleven years. I still missed him awfully much- the pain in my heart wasn't lessened, but my parents helped me how to cope with it, Jedidjah helped me how to cope with it.

He would never leave my mind, just like how Haven hadn't left it the past few weeks. I hadn't heard from her ever since the trip, I was afraid she was mad at me for what I had done- but Dad was sure she wasn't.

Licking my lips, my eyes moved from the clouds towards the chirping birds, a soft sigh leaving my slightly parted lips.

Those days at home, I had realised a lot of things. Realised what kind of impact Cooper and Haven actually had had on me, now that they weren't around me anymore. I thought of the people I had spoken to, the things I had ordered, the things I had decided out of my comfortable bubble I called home.

I wondered how on earth I had done that, was it really me? But then I realised it had been Haven's presence only that gave me the courage to do those things. She was the one who had accepted and respected me the way I was. She was the one who made me feel safe enough to do such things that I couldn't have thought of because of the autism that hampered me at times.

Thinking back about one thing that life had taught me, it was surely that parts of you were formed by the people, or animals in my case too, surrounding you. You took small pieces from each person who was close to you, only for it to form to something new, someone new, you.

Once the base was there, it didn't mean you would stop growing- you would only continue, but in different ways. It would be comparable to the different seasons. You never stopped, you had peaks and lows- but you would always get out of it stronger and more beautiful. Sometimes, you needed to let things fall and leave things behind in order to look up to something new, something even better.

At that moment, it wouldn't always be visible, it would be unknown and maybe even terrifying, but at the end of it all, things would fall into place. You would bloom.

No, I didn't have the answers to the things that happened in life, and maybe it was better like that. Constantly, it would feel like I was thrown into the deep and everything around me expected me to just swim, but how could you, if you had never learned in the first place?

Trust me, you would do anything just to get to the surface to try and breathe again. But once you had hit the surface, wouldn't it have made you stronger? More prepared? Perhaps, that depended onto the situation, but I believed that you took the strength you gained with you along the way.

Cooper didn't die on purpose, but I did believe that it needed to happen at some point. How could I do the things he taught me alone, if he was always around me? The first few days I had felt so lost, so anxious, but it also made me think. What did he teach me? How could I, finally, use that as my strength in life?

Sometimes, no matter how much I disliked it, I needed to be thrown into the deep, and he had only done that to help me, to get the best out of me. And I was forever thankful for that.

And Haven?

Every time that my mind had set adrift, she had taken my hand in hers and brought me back to myself.

How hard had I tried to suppress my stimming, my special interest especially when it came to blurting out dog facts, hiding the autism just because I didn't accept it, but Haven brought it all to light in a natural, respecting and loving way?

It went natural around her, didn't that say enough.

My heart ached still, realising how we had thrown each other into the deep as well, but maybe with different purposes. She was the only person outside my comfortable bubble that was home, who had made me feel safe. Secure. Accepted. Loved. She told me, but most importantly showed, that my autism was okay, that it wasn't forbidden to be shown in the world- that she loved me for it- for the person I truly was.

She encouraged me to stim in moments I needed it so badly, but hid it for the sake of those around me. She gave me space to talk when I felt the need to, helped me on moments I didn't feel so secure of myself. She never forced- she received all of me with open arms.

I didn't know what to do without her. How could I fly off? She had taught me more than I could've ever imagined, but I missed her safe and loving presence, the one that felt different from my parents because Haven was the girl I liked so much.

Perhaps, I was a fool, for letting her go like that. But at the same time, I respected my own decision. How many times had I thought about myself? Barely, too afraid to hurt other people with it but wasn't that what Haven had taught me as well? What my parents had taught me, during those years I grew up? You would never be able to please everyone around you- pleasing often leads to losing yourself. If they had taught me so much, why wouldn't I bring it out?

And why wouldn't I show the world the petals that had bloomed out of me slowly but surely?

I wasn't just Zephaniah, but I didn't want to be just Zephaniah anymore.

"Zeph?" Baba brought me back to reality, making me sit up in an instant.

"Dad?"

"Do you want me to put the hot chocolate in the flask?" He questioned, I carefully slid off the trampoline, my bare feet hitting the rather cold tiles.

"Is okay." I answered quietly, following him inside. I wiped off my feet and tiptoed my way over towards the couch, sitting down beside mum and Jedidjah. Jedidjah squealed, her arms flying near me.

Mum smiled and stretched out her arms. "She wants to sit with her big brother, it seems."

My cheeks colored lightly, I gently took Jedidjah from mum's arms, laying her in my own. I kissed her cheeks tenderly, then pressed my nose against hers. I loved Jedidjah. I loved her so much, I wondered if it was normal. My brotherly loved had swelled naturally, I couldn't stop myself anymore, and I didn't even want to stop myself.

For a moment, I tried to imagine how it must have been for Dad. He had been around my age when he had a baby, even if I would've been older than Jedidjah currently was. I felt emotional, suddenly so aware of the fact of how lucky I actually was to have such supporting and loving parents, who had never given up on me despite how hard the autism and epilepsy had made it for us sometimes.

Emotions got ahead of me.

The tears gently dropped down, onto Jedidjah's face, mum brushed them off my cheeks. She knew the reason, so did dad. I had written it down in my notebook a few days before, as I truly didn't know how to word these thoughts out loud. We had been an emotional mess, it was quite funny, actually.

I stared at the floor, imagining how Cooper would've sat at my feet at this very moment. I smiled through my tears, my eyes falling onto his collar that was now my bracelet.

Baba wrapped his arms around my neck and softly pressed his lips to my hair, kissing me several times. Mum embraced us. "To the sun and back, dad, mum, Cooper, Jedidjah and Haven." I whispered, closing my eyes as I pressed my cheek against Jedidjah's soft one.

It was quiet for a while, the four of us just enjoying the moment how it was.

"I hear them, Zeph." Baba spoke up after a while, tapping my nose. "Are you sure you want to do this on your own?"

Smiling lightly, I nodded, memories from when I was little warming me. "I have to do this, Baba."

His eyes were teary, but he nodded nonetheless. "You know where everything is, yeah? The blanket, the crisps- you switched the Pepsi for hot chocolate, how could you, Zeph!" He laughed, it made me realise it was a joke.

My eyes squinted, my cheeks colored lightly. "I broke the- the tradition now in a way, anyway." I hummed softly as I laughed, hearing the thousands of geese flying over. My eyes sparkled, my heart jumped in excitement. "I have to go."

"Have fun, sweet. We'll see you in a bit." Mum kissed my cheek for one last time. I stroked Jedidjah's cheek.

Standing up, I quickly retrieved the blanket, the crisps and the flask that was filled with hot chocolate. I ran outside, completely forgetting that I was barefoot and hadn't put on any shoes. I left the backyard, ran and ran and ran, until I had arrived in the middle of the grassland, laying down the blanket.

I was already in awe, but I tried not to get in a stare moment and lied myself down onto the blanket, staring up at the thousand of geese that flew in neat v- lines, the flapping of their wings bringing sounds along with the wind that blew past me.

"Don't poop on me." I whispered, biting my upper lip as I tried not to laugh. I tried to count them, but there were so many of them- it was an impossible task. There were around six silhouettes that formed into the v's, the honking sound of them making me feel at ease.

Nature had never failed to calm me down, and wouldn't ever fail from now on.

"Do you see them, Coop?" I smiled through my tears, trying to look above them. "Do you see them from where you are? Do you remember? Do you remember the times we- we had from down here with the geese? With mum and dad? I miss you so."

Whispering more things to him, my eyes were trained onto the geese, who kept coming and going. It was insane, the amount of geese that were flying over, but I couldn't get enough of them, so I was more than okay with it.

Just to see how they flew as a team, leaving no one behind. I smiled, remembering how anxious I would get, thinking they wouldn't ever return. Dad always assured me that they would come back- and they always had. Such a long journey they took ever year, but wasn't that what gained them more strength, too?

Life wasn't easy, it would never be.

I opened the bag of crisps, and stuffed a few inside my mouth, my eyes never leaving the occupied sky. They watered due to the breeze that hit them lightly, but I was in too much of an awe to even blink.

Raising my legs into the air, I tried to trace the silhouettes with my toes, but ended up stimming lightly as I enjoyed myself. My feet began to move in circles, my left foot rubbing my right one softly. My hands brushed over the grass that was beside the blanket, they tickled my palms, but the feeling was soothing in a way.

It only could last so long, before I knew it, the last geese flew over me- traveling to their next destination. I kept staring at the sky, kept staring at them for as long as it took them to get out of sight. "Until next time." I whispered, feeling my eyes close slowly.

I parted my lips and licked them, feeling how the slight breeze made my lips feel cold due to the slight wetness that lay on them. Reaching for the flask, I brought my feet back down, my knees pulled up still. My hands were cupped around it, warming them, while I closed my eyes and listened how the honking of the geese faded into the greatest unknown.

The breeze was the only sound I heard at the moment, in my imagination I brushed my hand over Cooper's snout. I could feel his warmth still, his soft hairs, his presence. I could imagine everything so perfectly, that I was startled when I heard my name.

"Zeph.."

Her soft and soothing voice made me look up instantly, my heart hadn't thumped louder before. There she was, with her short, wavy hair let down, golden lobsters hanging in her miss- shot lobes, her extraordinary clothes which I loved so much, those blue eyes that represented the sky I had just stared at for so long.

And at that moment, I knew she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen in my life and that I loved her, with everything I had inside of me.

"Have?" I answered after a while, our eyes meeting for a brief moment before I looked away- not being able to hold it because of the feelings she gave me. "Have.." I repeated, my feet getting ahead of me as I stood up and made my way over to her, the happiness flooding through my body.

"Have." I smiled shyly, wrapping my arms around her neck, hugging her tight to myself.

"Zeph." Haven reacted instantly, wrapping her arms around my waist, resting her cheek against my shoulder. "I missed you so much."

I hummed, agreeing. I played with strands of her hair, resting my chin onto her shoulder. Her hair smelled like fruit, her skin was so soft and smooth, I didn't want to stop touching her.

Pulling away, I allowed myself to stare at her, my cheeks coloring the lightest shade of pink. "I'm so sorry, Zeph. I promised to give you all the time and space you needed but I missed you so much. I was worried sick about you, I couldn't stop thinking about you, ever. Your parents told me that you wanted to have contact, but didn't know how. I never stopped caring, I never did. I just wanted you to have your time and space and I-"

"You're still so chatty." I groaned a little, looking at her carefully, not wanting to have hurt her.

"Sorry." Haven laughed softly, but her eyes watered. "Gosh, I missed you so much."

"Too." I whispered, tenderly touching her cheek, my eyes trained onto her tiny freckle.

Haven touched my face too, I enjoyed the feeling of her fingers on my skin. "Your parents told me you were here, somewhere. I didn't think I'd ever find you. This grassland is huge. Must be so nice to have it behind your backyard. I saw your feet in the air. Amazing, the geese, aren't they?"

"Yeah." I smiled shyly when we made eye contact, my eyes averting to the grass. "Want to lie beside me?"

She nodded, a soft smile appearing on her face. Lying down onto the blanket, I watched as Haven did the same, her bright eyes colliding with the sky. I admired her, but looked away when her gaze fell on my face. I was aware of her staring, but I was okay with it.

"It's strange, not seeing Cooper here at your feet." She said quietly, I nodded. "I'm sorry for what happened, Zeph. I truly am. It must've been a tough time for you. I wish I would have been there to comfort you."

"You're here now." I said quietly, glancing at her.

"Is it enough?" She asked, I felt how her hand slowly searched for mine. I let her hold it, it felt safe, it felt like home.

"It's enough." I whispered, looking up at the sky, our hands entangled.

Haven smiled, my free hand flapped in happiness. "I've got so much to tell you! Cookie finally has babies. I thought they would be born like naked and pink, but apparently guinea pigs get born with their hairs already, isn't that weird? Jude was there with me, there were like five babies! They're super hyper and annoying, but cute. I think my cousin.."

I bit my upper lip to try and hide my smile. Her voice was so sweet and soothing, it was one of the things I had missed so much. She talked a lot, I couldn't quite follow everything but it was okay. It was Haven, I knew her, she knew me.

"I saw that the house of the woman you always waved at was empty.." Haven's eyes fell onto my face, making me feel shy all over again.

Sitting up, I raised my eyebrows as I wanted to speak up, but the emotions I had felt that day hit me again. Licking my lips, I stared at our hands, watching how Haven sat up as well. "I- Last time I had courage, Have. Because of you. I, uhm, I went to the woman's house, I wanted to say hi. Her daughter opened the- the door. She said she was no more."

"Oh, Zeph." Haven furrowed her eyebrows, sighing softly. "I'm so sorry.. don't let it bring you down, though. At least you had the courage to even go! That's such a big step, Zeph, seriously. I'm proud of you."

It had come as a smack in my face. Finally having the courage to do something, only to hear something like that in return. But of course, Haven knew how to lift my mood with her words.

Lying back down, Haven did the same, the two of us staying silent. "Zeph, you're such a beautiful guy, do you know that?"

"Have?" Turning my head towards her, I swallowed a little, staring into the distance. "I'm autistic, and I'm okay with it."

Haven's eyes watered, she pressed herself closer to my body, which felt warm due her warmth and because of her. "I'm glad you are, Zeph. Because you deserve to be accepted by yourself."

"Also, Have." I swallowed again, biting my upper lip. "I think you're- you're the most beautiful girl I have ever seen." I whispered, my cheeks warming by my own words towards her. It was so expressive- I didn't know how it had come out of my mouth.

Haven chuckled, she pressed her finger upon the tip of my nose. "And you must be joking."

"I am not. Otherwise I would have specified that to you." My eyes squinted as I laughed, my teeth holding my upper lip as I looked away from her.

"Fair point, fair point!" Haven exclaimed, resting her elbows onto the blanket as she hovered over me, her face close to mine. At that point, we heard geese honking coming nearer and nearer, the sound becoming louder- more geese were starting to fly over.

We both smiled, our eyes meeting the sky as we got stuck in awe, once again. Our hands were still connected, our faces close.

My eyes fell onto a daisy, the tiny flower, who was, oh so strong, in the breeze that kept hitting her. They intensely stared at it, going from the bottom to the top. The green, thin stem, all the way up to the yellow cluster that consisted out of its own disc petals, all the way up to the white petals.

Perhaps, a flower could be compared to the situation I had been in. The stem had consisted out of my parents and Cooper, the base was there, but in some cases, flowers needed to be pollinated in order to grow, to develop. Haven was the one who made me bloom.

Staring up at the sky- I knew one thing for sure. It didn't matter the way Haven and I would end up, whether it be in a parter relationship, or the strong best friendship we had grown, if we would be together at the end- I would be okay.

The geese caught my eyes again, the longing freedom was finally there.

And I flew.

The end.