Haven

"Alright, guys. I'll see you tomorrow. Don't forget to revise the pages we have discussed today, because there will be questions about it next philosophy hour. You're dismissed." William spoke, stretching his arms as he walked back over to his desk.

Packing my own backpack, I waited until all of my peers had left the class, my stomach feeling nauseous for several reasons. Zephaniah hadn't been here today either, and it had almost been two weeks since we had been to Amsterdam.

The worst scenarios came up into my mind last night, suddenly remembering that his father had told me about sudden death in Epilepsy. It wouldn't have happened, would it? People must have said anything about it if it did.. Was he tired still? Did something else happen at home?

I was worried sick and I was losing my mind. I wanted to text him so bad, but I couldn't do it because of the space and time I had, still, promised him. It had truly killed me, I missed him so awfully much, but I felt like I had no choice.

William brought me out of my thoughts, his voice loud. "Aren't you leaving, Haven?"

"Uhm," I hesitated, walking over to his desk. "Have you, by any chance, heard anything about Zephaniah? He's not been here for almost two weeks.. I'm worried about him."

William's eyes flickered towards his screen, the list of student names and their presence and absences noted. "It's not my place to tell, Haven. He just needed a time out, there have been things going on at his home. All I can say."

"Okay." I frowned a little, my eyes lingering on his face.

William sighed a little and shoved a white envelope towards me, his eyes giving me reassurance to take it. Opening the envelope, I took out a simple but beautiful birth card, the name Jedidjah written onto it. The words into the card were simple as well, a Bible quote on the right side, his parents name and his own name on the left side.

"He became a brother." I smiled by myself, remembering how he had opened up about his feelings back at the lake. He hadn't been sure if he liked it- was afraid that his parents would love this child more because it was both their flesh and blood.

My smile faltered, remembering the letter he wrote me in Amsterdam. He had sounded so desperate, wanting everything to stop because he would burst soon. Would this have been too much for him? Especially since the trip hadn't been too long ago?

I felt sick, I hoped Cooper would give him enough comfort because I wanted to give him so much- but couldn't.

William went back to typing onto his computer, I placed the card back into the envelope, swinging my backpack over my shoulder. "See you tomorrow, Professor."

"See you, Haven."

Leaving the classroom, I let out a shaky breath, the uneasiness suddenly growing stronger. I missed Zephaniah, I wanted to be there for him, especially now. I loved him, I was sure of that.

Playing with the strap of my bag, my eyes flickered through the hallways, landing onto Luke and Tara. I needed to ask her, needed to calm my heart in order to get the uneasy feeling away because I couldn't comfort him, I couldn't. He needed the space.

"Tara!" I yelled, apologising to the guy next to me, who stuffed his finger into his ear and glared at me. "Ittarah!" I repeated, watching how she rolled her eyes at me and turned around, clearly not wanting to talk to me.

Jogging over to them, I simply ignored Luke, grabbing Tara's wrist. "Tara, please. Can we talk?"

"What is it, Haven." She answered, her eyes finding mine after a minute or so.

"I'm worried sick about Zeph.." I blurted out right away, wanting to go straight to the point for once. "Do you know what he's been up to lately? I.. he's not been at Uni for days and-"

Tara snorted, her eyebrows were raised. "Oh, great. You didn't want to talk to me anymore but when you do, it's about Zeph? Awesome, Have. Such a considerate person, you are."

"Tara, please." Adjusting my beret, I looked at her in desperation, my only hope fading lightly. I needed to know that he was okay, and I knew maybe this wasn't exactly thoughtful towards Tara, but I was as confused, my mind feeling restless the past few days. "I just need to know if he's okay."

"And what if he's not?" Tara challenged, crossing her arms over her chest. Luke was quiet, he was avoiding eye contact. I wondered what had happened to him- he would've scolded me if it would've been weeks ago. Wasn't that what he had always done when Zephaniah was the topic of a conversation?

"What if he's truly not okay, and that's because of you?" She continued, trying to hover over me, but since our heights were similar- it didn't really work out. "Look, Have. Zephaniah is vulnerable, he's extremely sensitive. It takes him a while to get used to things, to people but once he is used to it- he will start to rely on it. And that's what happened with you. He trusted you, he relied on you- and then you left, just like that. It messes him up."

"What?" I furrowed my eyebrows, my mind searching for words- which was rare, if you knew me.

"You wanted to help him get over his autism, didn't you, but guess what? It's a neurological condition, not a sickness!" Tara spat out, tears glistening in her eyes but she recovered quickly, her jaws clenching.

"What the heck are you talking about?" I wondered, genuinely. "I never wanted him to get over his autism, that's insane! I wanted to help him feel more comfortable, especially in Amsterdam just because I knew how much his autism hampered him with that. I never wanted him to hide it, never wanted him to get over that because no, I'll never know what it's like to be autistic, but at least I try to understand him!"

Tara nudged my arm, her brows furrowed. "You left him hanging, Have. He's not okay. And because of you- his parents are having a hard time and so is our family! Because once again, Zephaniah is the topic of-"

"Stop!" Luke exclaimed, his cheeks red from the emotions he was holding inside. It confused me, deeply, but I didn't want to let it show. "Stop, Tara, stop. You, out of all people, know that Haven was the person who put all the effort in such a complicated friendship. She was the one who saw his autism and didn't even try to mask it by him. She was the one who gave him the space and time to let him be himself. You need to stop-" He choked out, looking away.

Tara paled, she became awfully quiet. If I said I'd been confused before- I was even more confused now. I didn't understand what was happening, at all. What did Luke just say?

"Haven, I know you don't like me, but can I get something off my chest? I really need to-" Luke stopped again, his blue eyes flickering towards Tara for a brief moment.

Tara shook her head, the tears slipping out of her eyes. "I'm sorry, Luke. You're right. Tell her, if you feel comfortable."

"What's going on?" I whispered, my eyes flickering between Tara and Luke.

Tara wrapped her arm around Luke's waist, her eyes hopeful and encouraging as she looked up at him. Luke swallowed, his eyes glistened. He hesitated for moments long, but then the words finally came. "Tyler.. he was four years older than me- my elder brother. We looked alike, in some ways. Blonde hair, blue eyes. Tyler was severely autistic, he was non- verbal. He couldn't talk, he communicated non- verbally."

Luke took a deep breath, he slouched back against the wall, his eyes looking anywhere but me. "He got a lot of attention- he needed a lot of attention. He couldn't really take care of himself. My parents needed to shower him, help him on the toilet, feed him, everything, even when he was nineteen years old already."

"I'd never despised him for taking up so much attention, know what I mean? I knew he needed it more than me, but it made me feel left out so many times before. I couldn't invite friends over for my birthday party because he wouldn't be able to handle it, couldn't blare out music, couldn't play video games in his presence and such things. We couldn't even bathe together like little brothers do because he had these insane spasms that would truly hurt me, and my parents would blame me for it- saying it was because it was too busy for him so I needed to get out." Luke furrowed his eyebrows, he tried to not show any emotions- but we all knew he had them, and that was okay.

"It became worse, later. I started to get into puberty, I was very aware of everything going on around me. I saw how friends were starting to throw parties, inviting people over and such things and I couldn't do the same because of him. Sometimes I became angry at him, I would scream and hit his arms, I still remember how he would only stare at me in proper calmness, as if he was sorry for me too- but couldn't do anything about it."

"He had Epilepsy, it wasn't going well with him. I don't quite remember what happened around that time, but I knew he screamed more, he was violent and his spasms had never been as bad. He died in his sleep that night because of his epilepsy." Luke swallowed away his tears, looking anywhere but Tara and I. Tara was already crying, I was extremely quiet.

"My parents had never been so low before. I saw it all happening right in front of me. I was grieving for my brother, but they didn't see me. They started to fight, blaming one another for Tyler's death, when in fact, it couldn't have been prevented. It became so bad that they decided to divorce, completely forgetting about my existence. I was pulled between them, back and forth, with no end. Still grieving, but they didn't want to talk about it. I bottled it up, for a long time, it's still inside me."

Luke started crying, his sobs taking over the silence for a while. I rested my arm over his back, softly rubbing it while Tara tenderly kissed his cheek, telling him that it was okay. "I just want to say sorry, Haven. When I met Tara, she told me a lot about Zephaniah. I could feel her pain and frustration, especially about her birthday party story. The one where Zephaniah had started screaming and smacked the cake and presents onto the floor- where many girls started crying and were afraid of him and Tara because of that."

"I love Tara, Haven. I love her so much. I didn't want her to feel the same way as I had felt ages ago, and still do at times.." Luke hesitated, shame written onto his face. "Zephaniah reminded me of Tyler. Those eyes that were usually so dreamy, as in, that they were in another world, know what I mean? His staring, his stimming, everything. I have never missed Tyler as much as when I saw Zephaniah. I despised him for it- the pain and anger and all the shit I had been through and were bottled up suddenly coming out."

"I feel so bad, so awfully bad, Haven. I know that they don't react like that because they simply don't like it, but because they cannot handle it. Because their minds are just so complexed, that they are not given a chance to process things the way we do. I knew that. I knew it, Haven. He was an easy target, and that's so wrong." Luke choked out, his eyes suddenly landing onto my face.

"When I beat him up at that bar, in Amsterdam, I was just.. after that? I was a complete mess. I felt horrible, I found myself an awful person, but I tried to mask it the next day and continue where I had left off, wanting to release my own pain. And no, it definitely is not an excuse for my behaviour, but I just needed to let it out."

Tara kissed Luke again, her eyes full of admiration but sadness as she looked up at him. "When you cried out for help when he was seizing- I just couldn't do it. Tyler flashed through my mind- it was so intense that I felt like fainting. I was so afraid, Haven. I couldn't help Zephaniah, even if I would've wanted to. I'm sorry about that, I really am."

"I just.. I'm seeing a therapist right now and it's been doing me really well. I realised so many things, and this was one of them. Lashing out my pain and grief on Zephaniah. I'm sorry, Haven."

"I'm really not the person you need to say sorry to, but I admire that you told me all of this. I'm so sorry you've been through all of that." I said, sincerely, briefly touching his shoulder. "And I hadn't been the nicest to the both of you either."

Tara shook her head, she wrapped her arms around me. "You were there for Zephaniah when I wasn't. And I feel so bad for what I have said to you and to him, even minutes before Luke started telling his story. I'm sorry. You're not the reason that he's not okay- but I can tell that he truly misses his friend. Cooper died that night when we just came back from Amsterdam."

"Cooper died?" My heart dropped, I pulled away from her.

Tara nodded her head, silent tears rolling down her cheeks. "I've never seen him this upset before. Hannah gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, but we can't see her yet because Zephaniah is just.."

"We're a mess. Group hug?" Luke said.

I insisted, but the worry in my heart became stronger.

~~~

Haven.. do you think she will reach out to him, or stick to the promise to leave him be?

Tara?

Luke's story? Do you understand him, or do you still hate him.. thoughts on him now?

Zephaniah...? What do you think he is up to now?

Let me know your thoughts.. only 3 chapters left ❤️ votes comments and feedback much appreciated xx