Zayn

Terrified would be an understatement. Nausea had crept up my body from nerves. I didn't know what to expect, I didn't know what to do. Hannah sensed my discomfort, I could tell. It made me disappointed in myself- she was in so much pain and this wouldn't exactly soften it.

I was seated beside her on the bed. The water had broke not too long ago and ever since then- I had been in pure distress. I didn't exactly know why, but maybe it had to do with Zephaniah's birth, that hadn't exactly went smooth and happy.

I felt bad, extremely bad for my boy that his birth gave me negative feelings, but it wasn't him. It was her, that had made it so bad for me. The screaming, the cursing, the crying- I could still hear everything clearly.

Her voice was loud, it had screeched into my ears. It had sounded so helpless, so angry. Then the soft crying of my little boy, making everything better in a way for me. The nurses pushing the baby into my arms, motioning for me to take steps back.

His rosy cheeks were so soft, eventually wet from tears, his nose so little and his toothless mouth so sweet. I had never felt more scared, yet happy when I got to see him for the first time. But then the next worries came, the fear creeping up around that time too, because how would I ever be able to be a good father to him?

How would I-

"Zayn." Hannah dragged me out of my thoughts, her sweet brown eyes calming me, like they had always done. "It's not like that now, I promise." She whispered, her dimples making me sigh out deeply.

"I'm sorry." I breathed out, my lips parting. "I'm so sorry for comparing-"

"You're not comparing." Hannah reassured me. "We're over that, yeah? We have talked about this a lot. It will be a beautiful experience, I promise you." Our lips connected, soft, short but sweet kisses were exchanged.

We had went over this conversation many times in the phase where we wanted to get engaged. I felt guilty, extremely guilty for the things I had done in the past. I had known that Hannah had saved everything for marriage, and I had given it away to someone else when I was young and immature.

I had told her everything about Zephaniah's birth, how it hadn't went how I had dreamed it would go, how once it would happen to us- I'd be reminded of that melancholic time even when I never wanted it to happen.

Hannah accepted everything, the good person she was. We promised to leave it all behind us, to engage freshly, saving everything for after we were married as well. It would be okay, she had said. She was right, but now that everything was getting so close, my mind was triggered.

Hannah whimpered at a contraction, her face twisting in pain for a brief moment. I played with her hair, kissing her face softly. She let it all happen- it was so different, everything was so nice and beautiful.

I allowed myself to smile, I allowed myself to enjoy the moment as it was. My heart fluttered, I couldn't wait to meet our baby.

"Mama called a nurse, okay?" I told Hannah, who nodded briefly in response. "Does it hurt?"

"Properly." Hannah chuckled lightly, her smile fading right after. She breathed in and out loudly, trying hard to hide her pain. "It's worth it."

Stroking her cheeks, I kissed her lips again, my eyes roaming over her face. "You can scream it out if you want, I don't mind." My lips were pressed against her cheeks for a brief moment. "I wish I could lighten the pain for you."

"So do I. Men have it way too easy, it's unfair." She scoffed, playfully. I grinned, poking her dimples.

"You won't hear me complaining."

"Of course not, old man." She grinned. My mouth fell agape at her comment, but it turned into worry when she whimpered again, her eyes squeezing closed at another contraction. "I'm nauseous.."

"Do you want me to get a bucket or something?" I wondered, already standing up. My eyebrows furrowed in concern when she didn't answer, her face twisting in pain again. "Babe?"

She licked her lips and opened her eyes, searching for mine. "Just in case, yeah."

My hand rested onto her hair for a brief moment before I walked over to the bathroom to get out a bucket, the one Zephaniah had used when he was little and sick. Crossing Mum on the small hallway, I peeked into Zephaniah's dark room. "Where's he? Is he downstairs?"

"He is." She sighed a little, rubbing her eyes. "He seemed upset. Was stimming quite a lot.. I hope it won't turn into one of these severe meltdowns."

"I don't hope so either.." I answered quietly, sighing sadly. He had meltdowns quite a few times a month, but those severe ones.. I could count them on one hand and it broke me to be reminded of them. They were so intense, so sad that I felt destroyed each time it had happened.

"I'm proud of you, Zayn. You didn't choose to be a father to a child with special needs, you didn't choose to be a caregiver, but you're doing everything with all the love you have inside of that big heart of yours." Mum whispered as she wrapped her arms around my neck, softly kissing my forehead. "I love you and your son. I love Hannah and your newborn."

"I love you too." I smiled sadly, playing with the handle of the bucket. "Will everything be okay? Will the baby be okay? It's pretty early.."

"Will be just fine, sonshine. Zeph was three weeks earlier, wasn't he? So were you- Hannah seems okay." She nodded, her warm eyes stood sweet. "Are you going to be nauseous when she's giving birth? I hope not. Support your wife through that, Zayn."

I chuckled. "Will try, Mama."

"It's a moment you'll never forget."

"I know." I mumbled quietly, referring to Zephaniah.

"Chin up, sweetheart." She kissed my nose, I smiled at her.

We returned to our bedroom, I joined Hannah on the bed. Her eyes were closed, she seemed tired. No wonder, it was nearing four thirty- our sleep was stolen for the night. Not that it mattered to me, I just hoped her strength was enough to give birth.

Hannah's face was still twisted in pain, another contraction taking over. "They're becoming heavier.. can I get my underwear off?"

"Do you want me to help?" I offered right away, my eyes wide as I looked at her. She nodded, I carefully helped her as she tried to lift herself up. The membrane water had thoroughly leaked it- Mum threw it into the laundry basket right away.

"Oh, okay." Hannah whimpered, breathing out loudly. "Wow, alright. Uhm, ouch."

"The nurse will be here soon, sweetheart." Mum said, clearly noticing my nerves. Hannah didn't want to give birth at the hospital- she had chosen to give birth at home. I liked it better that way, we could be here for Zephaniah too and the environment was known and safe and we wouldn't have to drive home after everything.

"Do you think- do you think I have delation that is enough to push already, Mum?" Hannah frowned a little, her eyes closing at yet another contraction. I felt bad, extremely bad that she was in here in heavy pains and I could only sit and watch.

My mum nodded, she stroked my wife's cheek. "I think so, darling. Do you want me to check? I'm no nurse, but I've brought four children to earth." She chuckled while she looked at me, I widened my eyes and looked away.

Hannah hummed shortly, Mum letting out a soft squeak. "Oh, Hannah, it's going to happen soon. Are you feeling comfortable, sweetheart? Do you want me to get you something or do you have questions?"

Sorrowful feelings appeared in my guts. I missed Hannah's mother, even when I had never met her as she had passed away way before I got to know Hannah herself. She had only been five. Would Hannah feel sad? I was sure she would, who wouldn't miss their Mum on moments like these?

Holding her hand, I simply stared at her beautiful face, wanting to read her thoughts.

"I'm fine, thank you." Hannah smiled tiredly, looking up at me for a brief moment. I leaned in, kissing her lips. She pulled away because of a contraction, her lips parting. "It's becoming heavier and more painful, more frequent." She blurted out, squeezing my hand at the pain.

"The nurse needs to hurry up." I swallowed nervously, praying the baby would wait for only a few minutes more, but that would give Hannah more pain. I would almost do it in my pants.

Mum gave the both of us a soft smile. "Don't worry about it. If she isn't there yet- I got this."

Hannah's eyes glistened, her breathing became louder as the contractions kept coming and coming. She squeezed my hand tightly, I squeezed back softly in order to let her know that I was here for her, even if I couldn't do anything.

"Where's Zeph, is he okay?" Hannah wondered out loud, glancing at me for a short moment before a contraction took away her attention.

"Don't worry about it, babe. He's fine." I answered, not entirely sure if it was true what I had just told her.

"I want him to be the first one who sees the baby, besides us, of course." She said tiredly, her eyes finding mine. "Okay?"

"Okay." I smiled, pressing my nose against hers. "I agree."

"I need to push, I need to push, I feel it." Hannah whimpered, resting her head back against the pillow.

I swallowed nervously, my eyes flickering towards the bedroom door, Mum and Hannah. "Can she? Where's the nurse, oh goodness I'm so nauseous."

"Are you giving birth?" Hannah frowned, glancing at me, her face twisting in pain. "Teasing." She gave me a weak smile, her eyes falling closed.

I blushed, trying to push away my feelings and be there for her instead. Mum removed the covers, I rested my hand onto Hannah's exposed, still big belly for a short moment. "You can push, Hannah. It's okay, just do what feels natural to you at this moment."

"Get the baby out as soon as possible, please." She smiled a little, it fading due to another contraction. I admired her. She was so optimistic, so happy, so quiet. The birth was so different from what I had experienced before.

It was calm, it was beautiful, it was silent.

Hannah didn't scream, she was extremely quiet, soft whimpers leaving so now and then. It made me feel so much better- I was in pure awe.

"Okay, keep doing what you're doing, sweetheart." Mum encouraged her, softly stroking her knee. My lips parted as I peeked, not seeing anything yet. I focused back on Hannah's face.

"Keep going, it's coming." She smiled at Hannah, then at me. My heart fluttered wildly, the nerves raging through my body. I peeked again, I saw its small head.

"Hannah." I smiled widely, kissing her sweaty cheek. "You're doing really well. I love you."

Hannah smiled exhaustedly, but she couldn't answer. The atmosphere was so peaceful, so calm- I never wanted to forget this moment. For a little while, I imagined Zephaniah's birth to be like this. It felt better- Hannah told me that once we would have experienced a birth with us both- I'd have to try and picture Zephaniah's birth like that.

It was what we would've wanted, after all. I did. I smiled. Zephaniah, our child.

"Almost there." Mum said, her voice soothing. "Just the shoulders.. the rest will come right after."

Leaving her side, I never let go of her hand, but watched the birth. The head was out, I couldn't see if it was a boy or a girl- but it didn't matter to me, anyway. There was a lot of blood, but the baby was so beautiful that it didn't bother me.

Hannah contracted, she gave all of her strength and a moment later, its tiny shoulders made its way out. It all went way too fast after that moment, because after a second, Mum caught the baby, cut the umbilical cord and wrapped the baby up in blankets that we had bought a while ago.

"It's a girl! It's a girl, oh, congratulations Zayn and Hannah, she's beautiful." Mum started crying, so did I. She pressed our daughter into Hannah's hands, our tears flowing out of our eyes.

Our cheeks collided, we exchanged so many kisses. After that, we could only stare at our beautiful daughter, our beautiful Jedidjah.

I touched her soft cheek with my finger, baby Zephaniah flashing through my mind. I was so happy, I was so grateful that I couldn't stop crying. Jedidjah cried too, she looked so sweet. Hannah and I smiled at each other, kissing again.

"She's so beautiful." I whispered, wrapping my free arm around Hannah's neck while my other hand couldn't stop touching my daughter's beautiful face.

"She is." Hannah's voice was hoarse- she had worked hard. "She has your dark hair."

I stared at the mop of black hair on top of her head. It was a lot- Zephaniah had had it too. I smiled, feeling slightly proud. "I hope she has dimples, I hope she has dimples!"

"Here, hold her." Hannah smiled, handing her over to me. "Placenta is coming out." She chuckled tiredly, getting comfortable on the bed to finish the full birth, it already flowing out halfway.

I was in complete awe, staring at our daughter. I became emotional, I was so thankful, I couldn't stop thinking it. "Hi, little one. Welcome to the world." I whispered, kissing her little nose. The crying stopped after a while, the baby yawned.

The sight was so precious, I felt myself melting all over again.

"Where's Zeph?" Hannah mumbled out, the tiredness audible in her hoarse voice.

"I'll get him, sweethearts." Mum dried her tears and pressed a kiss to Jedidjah's forehead.

It was quiet after she left the room, we couldn't stop looking at our daughter. "I love you so much, Hannah."

"I love you so much, too."

"We love you so much, sweet Jedidjah. We love you so much, sweet Zephaniah." I whispered, tapping her tiny nose. "You're an amazing woman, babe."

"You're an amazing man." Hannah gave me a tired smile, resting her head onto my shoulder as she stared down at Jedidjah.

"Hey."

"Hey, what?"

"It's a girl!"

"Seriously." Hannah groaned, bumping my shoulder in playful annoyance. "You were right. It was just a lucky guess, though. You're no genius."

"You're just jealous." I grinned, wanting to kiss her lips but she turned her face away, pouting.

"No way, you're getting a kiss now."

"Right, inappropriate right in front of the baby's eyes." I hummed, softly shaking my head.

Hannah rolled her eyes, laughing softly after that. "You're weird." Her smile faltered, I watched her for a while. She seemed hesitant, I wondered what was up her mind. "Zayn? Do you think Zeph wants to come?"

I hesitated too, now, honestly not knowing what to answer. "I don't know.. it might be too overwhelming for him. So much has happened to him the past few days. Do you want me to check on it?"

"Whatever you want, sweet. I just want him to be okay." Hannah accepted Jedidjah as I carefully handed her over, my eyes skeptically falling over Hannah's appearance.

"Can you be alone, now?" I frowned, feeling uneasy. "Wait, I'll call Mum and then I'll check on Zeph." Walking over towards the stairs, an elderly woman with a white nursing suit crossed me onto the stairs, her smile wide.

"I'm too late, so sorry! Congratulations on being a father. Where's the mother?" She chatted right away, making me chuckle lightly.

"Thank you, Ma'am. She's right there. Thank you for coming by." I smiled sincerely, walking her over to our bedroom. Hannah, the nurse and I chatted for a while about how the birth went, the nurse told us Mum had caught her up on that.

When I was sure she took good care of Hannah and the baby, I jogged my way downstairs, only to find a distressed Zephaniah and mother. Zephaniah was playing on his phone, his eyes squeezing and his nose scrunching up so now and then. The fabric of his sweater was in his mouth, I felt sad.

Clearly, he was overstimulated. He was stimming a lot- trying to gain back control over his emotions and feelings. There was so much he needed to process, I was so aware of that.

"Come on, sweet Zeph. Your parents wanted you to be the first one to see the baby." Mum tried, reaching for his wrist.

I saw how Zephaniah started repeating the no's, his legs kicking in pure helplessness, his arms pushing Grandma away while he kept playing with his phone. It was clear that he couldn't see the baby right now- he wouldn't be able to handle it the right way. Now you could force him or push him off the couch, it simply wouldn't work out. He wasn't ready for it, if we wanted it or not.

It broke my heart in two, even if I could've expected it.

~~~
Lets pretend its little zeph at the top photo

Hoorayyy, its a girl! How do you feel about it?

Congrats hannah and zayn! Finally ❤️

Do you like the baby's name?

How do you think Zephaniah will react? Do you think he'll come by soon enough, or will it take him a lot of time?

Wheres Haven..?

Let me know your thoughts! X votes feedback comments much appreciated..