Zephaniah

Staring at the rather gloomy sky, my eyelids almost fell closed, the exhaustion that had taken over me the past few days still not gone. The gloominess of the sky calmed me in a way. It wasn't too bright, the clouds were slowly traveling to other places, dissolving along the way.

I had stared at it for hours. Still being in my sleepwear, I glanced at the clock, reading that it was seven pm already. It wasn't like I cared- I had no routine anymore ever since Cooper had died. Dad didn't want me to walk on my own, he was afraid I would get another panic attack.

Mum thought that if I needed to walk the route Cooper and I always walked, she would let me, it could be a way to process the grief.

I just felt numb. Whereas my mind had been extremely full with everything lately, it was now blank. I had no thoughts, no feelings. Just numbness. I knew deep down I was hurting a lot and sooner or later, it would get out nonetheless.

The question wasn't if, but when.

Tiredly blinking my eyes, they fell onto the moving box with loads of dog stuff I used to use as a kid. Sadness crept up, I slowly made my way over to it- my interest calming me. Sitting down on the floor, my teeth chattered when my bare legs hit the coldness.

I adjusted the neck of my sweater over my lips, blowing to keep myself warm. Hesitantly peeking inside the box, I took some dog school supplies out, laying them out onto the floor. I noticed my bubbly handwriting from when I was little, many mistakes in almost every word.

The dog pen still worked, the eraser was as new- I didn't want to use it when I was little. I would've been bummed if the eraser would break or be ruined- as if that wasn't the whole point of it.

More things followed. A fuzzy, dog themed blanket, dog slippers my parents had bought me in order to try and get me something warm to wear on my cold feet in winter. I had only played with them, they had never touched my toes. I took out Labby- the Labrador uncle Samuel had bought me for my eight birthday. The batteries had ran out, he couldn't make the salto and the barking noises anymore.

The dog breed book came after, my eyes glistened with tears at the many memories. I blew some dust off and opened it, my eyes falling onto my Dad's handwriting on the first page.

For my intelligent, creative, caring and soft-heartened little boy. Happy eighth birthday, sweet Zephaniah. Many hugs, kisses and love from daddy.

I swallowed away some tears and flipped through some of the pages, the book falling open from where a dog bookmark was placed- the Golden Retriever page. Cooper flashed through my mind, tears started rolling down my cheeks in my mind, but in reality my eyes had dried up.

Quickly closing the book, I shoved it away with my feet, my eyes then landing on a stuffed Dachshund. It took me back to the days where I had had a seizure and had hit my head so roughly that I had needed stitches. Mummy Hannah, who had been my caregiver at that time had bought this dog for me when my stitches came out. Her idea to place the long, stuffed animal against the headboard of my bed so I couldn't damage my head anymore.

I pressed it against my nose, smelling the memories.

Rummaging through the box, I finally found what I had been looking for. It was my German Shepherd stuffie; Shephy.

Carefully taking it out, I intensely stared at it, remembering every small damaging of its hairs, the one leg where the stuffing came out at this tiny, open spot. The eyes that stood warm and soft, even when they weren't real. The stuffie that had given me so much comfort when I didn't know Cooper yet.

Why couldn't I be nine, where Dad and Mum had just gotten married and I hadn't been happier, with Cooper and Shephy by my side.

It was just a stuffed dog now, it couldn't comfort me. I threw it back into the box, squeezing my eyes closed and flapping my hands at the sudden emotions I couldn't express well. When I felt slightly better, I threw everything back into the box, not wanting to be reminded by Cooper, but everything did.

Now that he was gone, I realised so many things. I had no social life. I was always at home. The only reason I got outside the house was either University or Cooper for his daily walks. I played with Cooper at home, I rested with Cooper, I bathed with Cooper on a day off- he would be in his own tub. I studied with Cooper, I talked with Cooper.

I was so hampered. Haven had taught me so many things, but she was gone, just like Cooper.

Crossing my legs, I stared outside the window again, my eyes resting onto the clouds. Tears rolled down, I missed them so much.

"Zeph?" Baba's voice got me out of my stare moment. I didn't look at him, kept staring up at the sky. "I ordered pizza. I thought maybe we could eat on our bed. Mama isn't feeling so well, she can't go downstairs. That okay with you?"

"Okay." I whispered, blinking my eyes slowly.

It was quiet after that, until Dad sat down beside me on the floor. He pulled up his knees and rested his arms on there, his gaze falling onto my face. "You alright, Zeph?"

I didn't know. I didn't answer.

Baba wanted to wrap his arms around me, but I felt too sensitive for that- so I turned away from him. "I'm sorry. You got a lot on your mind, yeah?"

I blinked a little faster, my eyes not leaving the threatening sky.

"I wish I could take away all of your worries and pain. I'd die for you, Zephaniah. I truly hope you know that. I got your back, always, remember? I love you so much." He said quietly, causing more tears to well up in my eyes. He stood up, he left me alone. "I'll call you whenever the pizza is here."

The doorbell rang only ten minutes later. I heard his footsteps on the stairs, my name after that. Reluctantly, I stood up, slowly walking over to their room. Mama didn't look well, as if she was in pain. It made me feel worried, another thing that added up to the pizza head.

Dad got cosy underneath the covers, tenderly kissing Mama's temple.

I sat down on the edge of the bed, not facing them. I heard him pray. He prayed for me and Mama, not for himself. I prayed for Dad in my head.

"Zeph, you can come in between us if you want." Baba suggested, softly. I didn't react, kept sitting where I was. I felt like crying, but my tears had dried up, I supposed. Nothing came, it was empty.

In the corner of my eye, I saw that his outstretched hand held a slice of pizza. I took it from him, resting my hand that was holding the slice back onto my thigh. I was nauseous, the smell of it made me feel even sicker.

"Sorry, it's not the most healthy dinner but I was too lazy to cook today. Hope you don't mind." Baba said. Mumma murmured something I couldn't quite hear, I stayed silent.

Taking a few bites, I couldn't help but admit it tasted really good, no matter how hard my stomach was screaming that it was upset and couldn't use food at this moment.

"You miss Cooper so much, Zeph." Dad hummed. His comment startled me so much, that I dropped the slice of pizza onto the floor. Something deep inside me got triggered- the tears suddenly fell down like streams onto my cheeks.

Baba stretched his arms out to me, I knew he asked for consent to touch me this way. If I would take his arms- he would know I was okay with it. If I didn't- he would know I wasn't okay with it. I didn't care anymore at this point.

I fell into his arms like I would when I was little, completely melting into his soft and loving embrace. Baba pulled the covers over my bare legs, both of my parents lying close against me. They let me cry for as long as it took me to calm down a little- which was a long time.

"Can you express in words what you're feeling, Zeph? We want to help you so much." Mum questioned, I shook my head. I truly couldn't at this moment, my mind just didn't know how to. It was all caught up in my head, slowly trying to find a way out, but not yet having found the right one.

"Hey, Zeph.. we miss him too. We're really aware that we weren't as close with him as you were, but we miss him too. He belonged to our family." Dad hummed, tenderly kissing my cheeks. I played with my fingers, feeling extremely tired due to my emotions. "And it's not weird that you're grieving over a dog, okay? He was part of our life, for so many years. He was such a special friend. Grieving is totally okay, and know that grieving takes time, and is allowed to take time. For as long as it takes you to process it, yeah?"

I tried to process his words, but they were just so many. I was tired.

"Do you want to cuddle?" He questioned, I shook my head.

I needed to be alone, even when I knew thoughts would take over, eventually. Crawling out of their bed, I left their room and closed my bedroom door. Draping the covers over my body, I tried to get comfortable on my stomach and closed my eyes, falling into a restless sleep, where many dreams of Cooper and I played like a film in my mind.

"Zeph, wake up." Somebody touched me, fingers boring into my skin as a rough movement woke me. "Zeph, Zeph, wake up." She kept shaking me, I quickly rolled onto my back, squinting my eyes at the bright lights that lit up my bedroom.

"Your Mum is delivering. Let's go downstairs, sweetheart." It was Nana, her eyes were wide, she seemed to be in a haste, but I didn't really get what she was saying.

Blinking my eyes tiredly, I stared at her in confusion. "Delivering what, Nana?" I whispered, the exhaustion hampering my mind to think clearly, especially since I had just woken up and it was in the middle of the night.

"Pizza." She rolled her eyes, it hurt me a little. The smile on her face made me feel uncertain, what did she mean by that? She gave away two expressions, I couldn't blend it into one, like I was probably supposed to.

"I'm not- not hungry?" I hesitated, glancing at the clock.

"The baby, Zeph. She's giving birth." She stretched her hand out to me, but I didn't want to take it.

The baby was coming now? Wasn't it supposed to come after three more weeks? I swallowed nervously, my mind starting to twirl with unclear information.

"Zephaniah, you need to get out of bed. You can sleep on the couch, okay? It's going to be loud and busy up here, you need to leave." Her voice sounded impatient, it made me feel lost. I didn't want to leave my bed. I was tired, I wanted to sleep. It was four am, what else was I supposed to do?

"Zeph!" Nana frowned a little, reaching for my hand again but I instinctively pulled back, whimpering a little. The baby was coming. Their child, their child, their child. Cooper wasn't here to comfort me, where was he? The baby was coming, the baby was coming.

One, two, three, four, five.

"Zeph, you need to get out of bed, seriously." Nana's voice became softer, she crouched down near my face. "Dad asked it, you can sleep on the couch."

"No, no." I started shaking my head, pushing her away. I felt confused, extremely lost. I didn't understand what was happening at this moment, at all. It couldn't be that the baby was coming now, it couldn't be happening.

Nana stood up straight, looking down at me for a silent moment. I started flapping my hands, intensely staring at them as I tried to clear my mind, tried to express my emotions and gain back control over them. "Come, Zeph."

"No! No, no." I started shaking my head, rapidly. Kicking my legs in sudden frustration, I squeezed my eyes closed and tried to fight her off, but she was stronger at the moment, my sleepy state not exactly helping me.

"Zephaniah, you're okay." She said quietly, but I couldn't give meaning to her words. "Your Mum is giving birth. It will be calmer for you if you sleep downstairs on the couch. They'll call you when it's born so you can see him or her, alright?"

I squeezed my eyes harder, bending my fingers to my palms only to spread them right after, my hands flapping. My mind was too full- no more unclear information could come in. I was still in the process of processing Amsterdam, losing Haven, Cooper's death.

I needed rest, I couldn't use more big changes happening.

Parting my lips, rather quiet and short screams would leave my mouth, my legs continuing to kick as I tried for Grandma to lose her grip on my wrist. The words that came after that flew like loose jigsaw pieces through my head, trying to connect with each other piece they met along the way- but ended up not fitting. I couldn't understand a thing, I felt so overwhelmed.

What did she say again? Why was she even here, at four am in my bedroom when I was supposed to sleep?

My mind became a mess, the busy, loud and colorful tunnel engulfing and sucking me up completely. I felt anxious, I felt extremely lost. I wanted to scream, but my lips were locked, making the fear creep up my body.

I whimpered, I started smacking my head against the headboard so I would get out of it- but before I could, I felt tight arms holding me closely. I calmed down a little, the tight grip giving me safety. I realised it was Nana, she held up Cooper's blanket.

His smell was safe, it was comforting, but at the same time it reminded me that he wasn't here anymore. I opened my eyes, I pushed the blanket away, whimpering loudly. I brought the fabric of my sweater up to my face, chewing onto it in distress.

Scrunching up my nose, I squeezed my eyes tighter, the new stim giving me comfort.

"Come, Zeph. I'll give you something warm to drink." Before I knew it, I was pulled out of bed, the loss of warmth making my body shiver and my teeth chatter.

I let her take me downstairs, I didn't understand what was going on.

I was lost, so lost.

~~~

Do you remember the dog stuff Zeph picked out of the box? Lil Shephy? The dachshund Hannah had bought? Labby?

The good old times :')

Uhm.. the end part? How do you think Zeph will react when the baby is there?

Andddd. Is it going to be a boy or a girl? Please let me know, I'm so curious what you all think!!

Let me know your thoughts on the chapter, the book.. only 5 chapters left after this one.. :( much love X